She’s moving forward, but now, looking into his eyes, she’s not so sure she really is.

{KaiHye}

ANGST ALERT

-0-

Ji Hye isn’t an optimist. She’s not a pessimist either, as contradictory as it sounds. She’s well aware that if there’s a beginning, there’s an end. When she debuted with EXO, the beginning was right there, but she’s always been unnecessarily aware that the end would come.

It’s come and gone, she thinks. A sigh escapes as she looks around the dorm. Years of use are evident – she can see it in the faded cream paint of the walls and the worn appearance of the couch. There a spots where picture frames used to be; probably in some other member’s new home by now. She stares at a white spot on the wall of where a picture of Baekhyun and Kyungsoo goofing around used to hang, knowing that it’s sitting on a table in their new shared apartment right now.

Her fingers tap the envelope under her hands. She hasn’t opened it, but she knows what it is – what it’ll say. She almost wishes it didn’t say what it did.

The front door opens and her eyes lift to watch as the newcomer makes his entrance. The slightest of smiles makes its way onto her face as Jongin gives her a tired grin (it’s not so different from the ones he used to shoot her when she handed him a bottle of water during practice, except for the tinge of sadness lingering at the edges).

“Hey,” she greets softly. “Tough day?”

“I’ve had worse,” he replies on a sigh, settling down in the seat next to her. Wordlessly, she slips the envelope onto her lap and pushes her chair in a little more. “How was yours?”

“Kyungsoo called,” she offers half-heartedly. “He just wanted to make sure I hadn’t burned the do – apartment down.” She curses her slip inwardly. It wasn’t a dorm anymore; that had stopped when the two vocalists had moved out. His face crumples into a somewhat pained frown and Ji Hye wishes she had never brought to light their situation. “He says hi, by the way.”

“Oh.”

She hates how quiet Jongin is now. When they had just started out, she had hated the way he’d and push all the right buttons to get her to open up. Now, she’d give anything to hear him say something about her natural hair colour reappearing, mixing with her blonde hair or comment on her choice of shorts and Chanyeol's old Wolf sweater.

She hesitates; even if they aren’t awkward as they used to be when EXO was still the shiny new toy in the industry, they’re hardly best friends. Screw it, she decides as she says, “You don’t really talk to Kyungsoo much anymore.”

“No reason to,” he answers tersely and Ji Hye has to bite back a wince. She remembers when his face would light up at the mention of Kyungsoo. His gaze is sharp as she nibbles on the inside of her lip. “Just drop it, Ji Hye.”

“You can’t avoid him forever,” she says softly. She knows he’s angry at the elder for abandoning him, but that’s not a healthy way to live. She had felt that way the first week Yixing had returned to China and it didn’t take her long to realise it was incredibly stupid of her to be angry at her best friend for a reason that didn’t make sense. “Look, we all knew this was going to happen someday, so you’ve got to stop – “

He stands abruptly, cutting her off. She doesn’t have to look at his face to know he’s livid – years of closeness make the tautness in his posture an achingly obvious sign that he’s pissed. “I’m going to bed,” he bites out. “Good night.”

He walks off without another word, slamming the door to what used to be his and Kyungsoo's bedroom loudly. A heavy sigh rings throughout the kitchen as Ji Hye looks down at the envelope she had so painstakingly hidden from Jongin. She folds the corners, her eyes tracing the address printed onto the front.

She’s always known Jongin didn’t handle abandonment very well.

•●•●•●•

Let’s meet. I’ll meet you at the bubble tea shop near the apartment at two?

It takes her a while to recognise the number. It’s not a completely unfamiliar number, but even before EXO disbanded, the number had never really graced her phone screen often. She wonders if she should accept his offer. She doesn’t really have much to lose by accepting, nor does she have anything to lose by declining.

Glancing at the clock and the pile of laundry she still has to do (even after all these years, she still finds herself with laundry duty), she concedes she doesn’t have much to do today (or anything to do, really) and quickly types in her reply of sure, that sounds good, see you.

She drops the folded laundry in the room she still shares with Sehun, grabbing clothes that are more presentable than her tattered jersey from their Growl promotions and her old sweatpants. When she returns in jeans and a sweater, Sehun raises an eyebrow, finally tearing his eyes away from his laptop.

“Why are you getting all dressed up?” he asks.

The smile she shoots him feels a little too strained as she answers, “I’m meeting someone. I won’t be out long. I think.”

She can see he wants to question her, but he chooses not to. She thinks a little wistfully of the times when Sehun would pester her until she breaks and tells him. They’re adults now and they’ve grown out of childish habits such as those (but Ji Hye will always think of Sehun as the bratty maknae and she knows Sehun will always think of her as the baby). “We’re out of milk and ramyun,” he says instead. He doesn’t hear her mumbled assent as his attention is recaptured by his laptop.

A wave of nostalgia assaults her as she hears the familiar tinkle of the bell when she shoulders the door to the bubble tea shop open. The owner gives her a smile which she returns before scanning the shop. It doesn’t take long for her to spot the familiarly unfamiliar tall figure hunched in the booth not far from where they’d used to sit whenever they came to celebrate.

She readjusts her glasses on her nose – she’d taken to wearing them since there isn’t really a need for contact lenses anymore – and runs her fingers through her fringe one more time, ruffling it. Then, she in a quick breath and strides forward. He looks up as she nears and smiles softly.

“I didn’t know you were back,” she says, the corners of her lips lifting ever so slightly in reply.

Yifan chuckles, pushing her drink towards her. “Canada wasn’t really for me, after all, even if I did grow up there,” he replies wryly. “I guess I’d just gotten used to being in Korea.” He glances at the drink she’s clutching between her hands. “Peppermint, right?”

“Yeah.” A part of her is surprised he knows what flavour she likes – they’ve never been close – but she supposes you can’t be band members for six years (close to seven) without picking up on things like that. She glances at Yifan's cup and doesn’t even have to think hard to know that it’s watermelon. “What did you want to talk about?”

He smiles at her and she wonders how she had ever thought he was intimidating. Looking at him now, with his brown hair growing out and all the makeup stripped away, he looks approachable. Yifan makes it look so easy to throw Kris away. Ji Hye wishes she could do the same, but she’s never had a stage name. If she did, maybe all of this would hurt a little less.

“I was just wondering how you guys were doing,” he says. I wondered how Joonmyun was taking all of this goes unsaid, but it’s acknowledged by her nonetheless.

“Joonmyun hyung is taking it better than expected.” That’s not saying much. Ji Hye had expected him to break down or stay in bed for weeks. He’s throwing himself into work and being strong, which she thinks is worse than her needing to remind him that eating is important for living. She’s reminded of times he’d done that when the group was on the verge of collapsing and she finds that at the age of twenty five, she hates reminiscing.

“Is he?” She hates how Yifan can see through her lies, even though they’ve never been close (she can see through his lies too, but Yifan's not the one lying right now).

She stabs a tapioca ball with her straw. “He misses you,” she says quietly, glancing up at the elder. “He never really… took your leaving very well.”

There’s an expression that she’s gotten uncomfortably familiar with bleeding into his eyes – guilt. She’s seen the same look when she looks in the mirror and she finds that it feels a lot worse seeing it on someone that she cares about (because even if they weren’t close, she still cares).

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you have to apologise to.”

They’re silent. It’s not as awkward as it would have been eight months ago and it’s a bit sad that it took the group disbanding for her to finally feel comfortable around Yifan. Ji Hye lets her words sink in as she takes a sip of her drink, letting her gaze roam the store. She’s been in here so many times; she’s been coming here even before she debuted. She remembers being dragged here by her roommates back when she was a trainee, then by Sehun when the groups were set. She remembers the number celebrations they’ve had here before she and Sehun became legal and the number of times she and her fellow maknaes had gone to the bubble tea shop as a refuge from their demanding hyungs and geges. She remembers and she wonders if it’ll always hurt.

“You’re wearing your glasses again,” he comments.

She pushes them up her nose, smiling a little sarcastically as she gives a small shrug. “I don’t really need to wear contacts anymore.” It’s not like I have fans to dress up for. She scrutinises his appearance. “You let your hair grow out.”

“Yeah…” She can hear the same reason she had silently supplied in her head ringing through her ears in Yifan's voice. Perhaps this is what they meant by how the mighty have fallen.

Silence descends over them like a blanket and this time, it suffocates her. She glances at her watch. The gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by Yifan.

“Do you have somewhere to go?” He sounds a little disappointed and just the slightest bit lost. She wonders if he even has a place to stay. He doesn’t have his bags with him. Maybe he’s staying at the old EXO-M dorms. She knows Jongdae has been a little lonely living there alone. Luhan drops by sometimes, but he’s usually out and about, flitting between China and Korea.

“No,” she answers, “but I have groceries to get.” She doesn’t hesitate at all as she offers, “Come with me?”

Yifan is just as quick to answer and they leave the shop, Yifan leaving his unfinished drink on the table.

•●•●•●•

She manages to weasel Yifan into helping her carry the groceries back home. They’re not that heavy, but Yifan hadn’t looked keen to leave and she hadn’t wanted him to leave either. She’d forgotten what an odd sense of humour Yifan has and it’s been nice to smile without it feeling forced or rehearsed. She’d also forgotten how nice Yifan's smile can be and doesn’t wonder why Joonmyun fell for him anymore.

“And that’s why we don’t let Jongdae oppa near the microwave anymore,” she finishes, letting the door swing open. She’s met with the sight of Joonmyun standing in the hallway, frozen in place and eyes wide. Belatedly, she thinks it might have been a good idea to warn the elder that Yifan was coming as she takes in his attire. He’s wearing a pair of pyjama pants with chicks printed on them that she and Sehun had gotten for him four years ago as a gag gift and a baggy sweatshirt that might have, at one point in time, belonged to Yifan. “I’m back,” she announces weakly.

“Yifan,” Joonmyun chokes out.

“Hello, Joonmyun,” Yifan replies, his voice sounding strained. That’s all it takes for Joonmyun to flee, turning on his heel and marching to his bedroom in less than three seconds.

“Ah, crap,” she mutters, kicking off her shoes. “I should have told him.” She snatches the bags from Yifan and pushes the taller into the apartment. “Go talk to him.”

“But I don’t – “

“Yes, you do,” she reassures him. “Just go to him and you’ll know what to say.” She tries not to focus on how pale Yifan is as he crosses to Joonmyun's room in five big strides.

She lugs the bags of groceries into the kitchen, placing them onto the table. She’s just about to put them away when her phone rings. She doesn’t bother checking the caller ID since she doesn’t that receive many calls anymore.

“Hello?” she answers distractedly. There’s heavy breathing over the line, but she doesn’t think much of it as she puts the milk and vegetables away. She’s putting away the packets of ramyun (they still have ramyun, just not the kind Sehun likes, that brat) when a pained groan breaks her out of autopilot.

“Ji Hye,” she hears Jongin's unmistakeable voice groan. She swears her heart stops and curses herself for not realising something was wrong when nobody spoke. She doesn’t know anybody who is quiet; not even Jongin is that quiet over the phone unless there’s something wrong. There is something wrong. “I – damn it, I can’t move. I hurt my… my waist.”

Her heart squeezes painfully at the pain saturated in his voice. His injury hasn’t acted up for over a year, so she had thought he was better now. She doesn’t know what’s happened and it makes it difficult to breathe. “Where are you?” she asks, hating how panicked her voice sounds.

“Dance,” he pants. “Dance studio.”

“I’ll be there,” she tells him, hanging up. She doesn’t take notice of the fallen ramyun packet or the muffled shouting from inside the apartment as she rushes out of the door.

•●•●•●•

She doesn’t need to ask the receptionist which dance studio Jongin is in. Her feet make the familiar trek to the dance studio that holds a special place in Jongin's heart.

When she had asked, four years ago, why Jongin preferred using dance studio twenty one for his private practice, he’d told her that twenty one was simply the reverse of twelve and at least there aren’t stupid clouds painted in the background. She knows that isn’t true.

Dance studio twenty one used to be the dance studio Jongin and Taemin used to practice in before Taemin had debuted in SHINee. Ji Hye supposes that particular dance studio reminds him of good times, or something like that. She doesn’t pretend to know what Jongin thinks. She does know he’s sentimental and dance studio twenty one is as sentimental as it can get.

The sight that greets her when she opens the door is utterly heart breaking.

Jongin is lying on his back in the middle of the room, eyes closed as his face contorts into an expression of agony. Sweat causes his hair to stick to his forehead and she can see wet patches on his shirt. A hand clutches at his injury while another hand is clenched into a fist; his grip is so tight that his knuckles have turned white and she can see thin rivulets of blood from where his nails had broken skin. What hurts the most is hearing the last song they had ever practiced – the comeback that never was – blasting through the speakers. She feels unbidden tears prick, but doesn’t let them accumulate and fall. She’s been doing so well keeping her tears in for the past eight months and she’s not about to let herself crumble now. Not when it’s so very obvious Jongin needs to be fixed more than she does.

The first thing she does is turn off the music, cutting off Baekhyun's high note (she pointedly ignores the itch in that begs her to sing when she hears her own voice harmonising with Baekhyun's). Jongin's eyes flutter open, but he can’t even seem to move his head to look at her as a groan slips out. She doesn’t bother shedding her coat and scarf, kneeling down next to Jongin and lifting his head into her lap.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she demands. She hates the way her voice is thick from unshed tears. She can only hope Jongin doesn’t notice.

An agonised moan spills from his lips and she hates the way his eyes are glazed over with pain when he looks up at her. “I was just… ugh, practicing.”

“Why?”

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to know. She knows why. She just doesn’t understand why he keeps doing this. Jongin is sentimental. That’s why he always uses dance studio twenty one even though there are better dance studios he could use. That’s why he still keeps all the presents fans had given him – all the letters, stuffed toys and clothes. That’s why he brings her and Sehun out to the bubble tea shop at three in the morning when all three of them can’t sleep. That’s why he still practices for a song that they’re never going to perform.

“Jongin,” she sighs. “It’s over. EXO… EXO is over. You can’t – you can’t keep doing this. This isn’t healthy.” He still doesn’t answer, so she brushes away his hair from his forehead tenderly and runs her fingers through his hair. “You have to stop living in denial. You’re too old for this.” This being the dance and this being his obvious denial of reality.

He closes his eyes and a tear escapes, trailing into his hair. “I wish it wasn’t,” he croaks, his voice hoarse. “I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did. I wish Kyungsoo hyung hadn’t left. I wish Jongdae hyung didn’t have to live in that apartment all alone. I wish we could have danced and sang that song for our fans. I wish – “ his voice cracks. Ji Hye thinks her heart just cracked too.

“It’s better to bend than break,” she remembers their old dance instructor barking out as they were all bent over backwards. “You’re dancers. You’re meant to bend, no matter how difficult it might be. If you break, that’s the end. You’re finished. There won’t be any way to pick up the broken pieces after that.” She’s always taken that for granted.

She’s always wondered what it would feel like to break.

She sees that Jongin has broken and it feels worse than if she was the one who had broken instead. The worst part is that she doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces. No, she knows she can’t pick up the pieces.

A hand hovers over his cheek as the other continues running through his hair. She wants to caress his cheek – tell him they’ll be fine, everything is going to be okay – but Ji Hye isn’t an optimist. They might not be fine and everything might not be okay. She doesn’t want to give him empty promises because she knows they won’t glue him back together. If anything, they’ll only create more cracks that she can’t hope to fix. Her fingers ghost over his cheek the same way her lips ghost over his forehead when he’s asleep. When his eyes flutter open once more, the hand is gone, resting by her side.

“We should get you to the hospital,” she whispers. “If we don’t, your waist will just get worse.”

“No. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

“Jongin – “

“Just take me home and give me some aspirin.”

“This isn’t the time to be stubborn – “

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” she snaps. “You’re not fine if you had to call me here tonight. , do you know how worried – “ she cuts herself off. She knows she’ll regret it if she finishes her sentence. Instead, she looks away and brushes away the tears that threaten to fall. “We’re going to the hospital.”

He doesn’t protest when she hoists him onto his feet, although the whimper that he had failed to muffle doesn’t do anything but serve to make her feel like a knife is being shoved through her heart. His breathing is laboured as they make the slow trek downstairs and Ji Hye wishes she could just take away all of his pain.

The rest of the cab ride to the hospital is quiet and so is the wait for Jongin to be seen by a doctor, but as they stumble into the apartment at three in the morning, she thinks that she might have heard him breathe thanks into her temple as she laid him down in his bed.

•●•●•●•

“When are you going to tell him?”

Ji Hye doesn’t answer. She’s been asking herself the same question, but she still can’t think of an answer. She has to tell him; the deadline is tightening around her neck like a noose and she’s only a couple months away from choking.

Youngjae sighs when she doesn’t meet his eyes, choosing to stare into her half-empty (half-full, Jongin loved to argue since half-empty sounds way too pessimistic) cup. “You have to tell him eventually,” he points out unnecessarily. She wants to be irritated with him, but he means well and he’s right, as usual.

“I know. I just… I know, okay?” She purses her lips. “I don’t know how,” she confesses.

“Have you even told anyone?”

She tears the napkin sitting on the table into little strips. “Yeah,” she answers. “I told Sehun. And Yifan. Yixing too.” Which probably means Luhan, Joonmyun and Zitao know too.

He sips his drink. “So why is it so difficult to tell Jongin?”

“It just is,” she mutters.

Jongin isn’t Sehun or Yixing. He’s a little more sensitive than that. She doesn’t want to hurt him, but if she tells him, he’ll be hurt. If she doesn’t tell him, he’ll be hurt. There’s no reality where Jongin won’t hate her and she can’t bear to have him hate her.

Youngjae looks over his shoulder one more time before slouching down in his seat. She smiles a little; it’s times like these that the fact that Youngjae is still an idol smacks her in the face. It’s easy to forget when he’s teasing her about her fashion sense (the way Jongin used to) and they’re stealing cake from each other, but at the end of the day, Ji Hye is going to go back to a broken group that technically doesn’t exist anymore while Youngjae still has to go back to the lights and music that had brought them together in the first place (and had already forsaken her).

“You have to tell him,” the elder insists. “Soon. This isn’t something you can keep a secret forever, Ji.”

She crushes the napkin she had ripped together, failing to meld it into one as a couple pieces flutter away from the wad. It makes her think of EXO – of what they used to be and what they are now.

“I know, Jae. I know.” She forces a smile, knowing that it’ll look genuine thanks to years of acting. “You should go. You have practice, don’t you?”

He glances at his watch. “, I’m going to be late,” he mutters, throwing a couple of bills on the table. He presses a kiss to her temple. “Think about what I said. I’ll see you next week, okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighs. Youngjae is already gone, pulling his scarf up to hide his face and tugging on a cap to hide his orange hair (it reminds her of the time Minseok had orange hair and Zitao and Sehun had been insufferable, calling the elder their sweet little orange. Minseok had sworn that was worse than being called Baozi).

She thinks of Youngjae's words as she walks back to the apartment. He’s right; she can’t keep it a secret forever. She has to tell him soon.

The apartment is quiet when she enters. Under normal circumstances, it would be suspicious, but normal left when EXO became just another group to join the ranks of H.O.T and Sechs Kies. These days, the apartment is near silent more often than not with Chanyeol and Sehun spending as much time as they can out of the apartment and Yifan trying to make it up to Joonmyun for leaving. That just leaves her and Jongin in the apartment and they’re hardly the noisy teens they used to be.

As she toes off her sneakers (she can’t but still dress like a teenager, since that’s the image she and Sehun have been portraying for the past six years), she hears cursing from the kitchen and frowns. She admits she is upset at the sight of Jongin clutching his injured waist.

“You’re supposed to be in bed,” she points out. The suddenness of her statement causes him to jump, a flurry of curses filling the small kitchen as his waist twinges.

“I was just bored and thirsty,” he grumbles, attempting to bend down to pick up a fallen cup and wincing.

She sighs, placing her bag onto a chair and picking it up for him. She fills it with water and presses it into his hand, trying to ignore how close they are. She feels much too aware of Jongin's musky scent and the apple body wash, unmasked by cologne for the first time in years.

“Thanks,” he murmurs, gulping down the water. He places it on the counter when he’s drank his fill and she wraps an arm around his waist gently, slinging his arm around her neck.

“Let’s get you to bed,” she grunts and they slowly shuffle to his bedroom. Once he’s comfortable, she makes to leave, but a hand around her wrist stops her.

“Stay with me,” he pleads softly, staring at her from beneath his bangs.

“I can’t,” she protests weakly. “I have chores to do.”

“Please.” His voice drops to a whisper and his lips form a slight pout. It’s unfair how easily she bends to his will. He’s always had her wrapped around his finger. She sighs as she sits down next to him, gasping when he tugs her abruptly, causing her to topple over onto him.

“Jongin,” she scolds, her arms spread out to keep her weight off him. He doesn’t say anything, staring up at her. His eyes roam her face, like he’s trying to commit her face to memory. She’s about to make a teasing remark, but the words catch in as he reaches out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. His fingers twist near the tips, where they’re still blonde since she hadn’t bothered to dye her hair a single colour. The same fingers trace her jaw in a touch so light she almost thinks she imagined it. Then, his thumb is swiping across her bottom lip, leaving a trail of heat.

Suddenly, he’s pulling her down slowly until she’s nestled against his side, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. “Don’t leave me,” he whispers, his lips brushing the shell of her ear. It sends a shiver down her spine that she suppresses, because this time she can’t give in. “Just… stay by my side.”

She doesn’t answer, only holds him closer. She doesn’t say a word because she doesn’t make empty promises.

•●•●•●•

She only has a week left and that pushes her to start packing. She can’t hold it off any longer, as much as she would like to.

She looks around at the mess that is her and Sehun’s room, a weight resting on her chest at the thought of the room, the apartment being just that little bit emptier. She’s brought out of her melancholic thoughts by the ringing of her phone. She glances at the screen and smiles tiredly, swiping the screen to answer the call.

“Hey,” she answers bleakly, lying down on the bed. The mattress is scratchy against her skin.

“All packed?” Ilhoon questions.

She looks around the room one more time, sighing at how empty it already looks even though there are still boxes of her things everywhere. “Yeah.” She pauses. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”

“You can’t stay there forever,” he says gently. He’s not talking about the apartment and she knows it.

“I know,” she agrees reluctantly. “It’s just…”

“I get it. You don’t have to explain it to me.” He’s silent and she can hear the hustle and bustle that’s so familiar even though she hasn’t heard it in ten months – the sound of a room full of coordi unnies working. “If you really want my opinion, I think you’re doing the right thing. You have to move on. Dwelling on the past is only going to stress you out, and we both know how you break out when you’re stressed.”

She laughs softly at her friend’s attempt at a joke. “Thanks, Hoonie,” she says softly, “for being there for me. For everything, really.”

“What are friends for, right? You’d do the same for me.” She’s glad he can’t see her right now, because the smile on her face is anything but happy. She truly hopes he doesn’t have to go through what she’s going through right now. Then again, maybe Ilhoon would deal with it better since he isn’t losing as many people as she is, but does number really matter in the end?

“Of course,” she replies anyway. “Hey, good luck on your comeback. Go kill all those fangirls.” Bitterness threatens to crawl up , but she forces it down. It still leaves a bitter aftertaste that leaves her disgusted at herself. Ilhoon is her friend; she shouldn’t be upset that he gets to have a comeback just because hers was taken away.

“Thanks, Ji,” he replies and she can practically hear the grin. “Listen, I have to go, but I’ll drop by your new apartment after, okay?”

“Ah, you don’t have to,” she murmurs, catching sight of Jongin entering her room. She sits up, biting her lip at his stony expression that’s an impressive imitation of Sehun’s. “Just come over when you’re not tired. I’ll see you around.” She hangs up and addresses her former bandmate. “What’s up?”

He doesn’t say anything, but he holds out the letter that’s grasped in his hand. She glances down, but she already knows what it is. She had left it on the dining table for a reason.

“What is this?” he asks, his voice deceptively calm. His hard gaze looks at all the boxes stacked around the room. “What is all this?”

“I think you can figure it out for yourself,” she sighs.

“I want to hear you say it,” he snaps, his voice cutting her like razor blades against her skin. She looks down at her arms and is almost surprised at the lack of red cuts marring the pale skin.

She doesn’t meet his eyes. “Jongin, it’s not going to – “

“Say it.”

She remains silent before saying in a quiet voice, “I’m leaving.”

He throws the letter down in his fury and she simply watches as it flutters to the ground. The words you’ve been accepted glare at her, mocking her. He pushes a box over and she flinches, even though the box is taped and only full of clothes.

“You said you wouldn’t leave,” he yells, not caring that his voice rings through the apartment. “You promised, Ji Hye!”

“I never promised anything, Jongin,” she says, struggling to keep her voice at a normal volume because she’s never reacted well to people yelling at her.

“You could have at least ing told me,” he seethes. “How long have you known?”

Her hands ball into fists. “It’s not important – “

“How. Long.”

Her silence seems to answer for her. It only serves to infuriate him further as he pushes another box over. She wants to get angry – Jongin is acting like a spoiled brat even though he’s older than her – but she knew he’d react this way.

“You couldn’t have even told me. I must have looked like such a ing idiot,” he mutters, his voice husky from overuse. “Wow, you must have had such a good laugh at my expense – “

“Stop it, Jongin,” she warns, her temper fraying.

He glares at her defiantly. “Traitor,” he spits and that is the last straw.

“What do you want from me?” she yells, tears thickening her voice. “We have to move on! This is reality: EXO is over. There’s no second chance, no happily ever after. People like you and me are probably going to fade into the background of the music industry and it’s time you realised that. It’s done, Jongin. I’m just trying to move on with my life. I don’t want to be stuck here forever.”

He opens his mouth to retort, but nothing comes out. After a few tries, he lets out a frustrated yell and kicks a fallen box. She’s too angry to yell, her body shaking from the force of her emotions. She cares about Jongin. She actually really likes him. No, she loves him. She’s in love with him and she’s just tired of everything. She doesn’t want to see him broken and she doesn’t want to be the idiot using water to glue the shattered pieces of him together. She wants the old Jongin – the Jongin that was the perfect balance of optimism to her optimistic pessimism. She doesn’t want the Jongin that breaks without trying to bend.

Finally, he whispers, “Good riddance.” Then, he’s storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. She’s left with the haunting image of tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

The next day, Chanyeol and Sehun help her load her things into the moving truck. They don’t mention the fight or Jongin. They also don’t mention that Jongin never came home last night and he isn’t bothering to see her off.

•●•●•●•

Ji Hye has lived sixteen years  without Kim Jongin in her life, so four months shouldn’t be as difficult as it is.

Unfortunately, it’s hard living without Kim Jongin when you know he exists. She finds herself wishing she had never met Jongin; wishing she had never auditioned at SM in the first place. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t be suffering the way she is now. She wouldn’t have known the taste of being in the spotlight and performing in front of an audience that loves you. She wouldn’t have met the people she had and she wouldn’t be burying all this emptiness – an emptiness that used to be filled with twelve people she treated like family – under coursework.

We are one almost sounds like a joke now.

She sighs, running a hand through her hair as she exits her last lecture of the day. She tugs at the tips of her hair, finally back to her natural hair colour after she got a haircut last month. She sends a tired smile to a classmate who’s at least five years younger than she is before trudging her way out of the university and back to her small, empty apartment a few blocks away. After living seven years in a dorm, it’s a little difficult getting used to being completely alone. When she was younger, she would have given anything she had for some alone time. Now, she craves the sound of Chanyeol dropping something or Joonmyun humming under his breath.

Her phone rings and she answers the call with an airy “what’s up, Sehun”.

“Jongin's missing,” he shouts, sounding panicked. She freezes, something akin to ice sliding down her back.

“What?” she shrieks, coughing when she receives stares. “What do you mean he’s missing?” she hisses into the receiver.

“Missing as in not here,” her best friend squeaks. “I don’t know how. Chanyeol hyung and I just went to the store for a couple hours and when we came back, he was gone!”

“Did you check the dance studio?” she asks urgently. “The pond in the park? Jongdae oppa’s apartment? Taemin’s place?”

“We did and he’s not there,” he wails. “I’m so sorry, Ji Hye. I know you asked me to keep an eye – “

She doesn’t hear the rest of Sehun’s rant as her phone drops out of her hands and clatters to the floor. Her heart is pounding uncomfortably fast and she can’t move her feet even as Jongin walks closer to her until he’s right in front of her.

She hasn’t seen him in four months and she has always found Jongin attractive, but she can’t think of a time she’s ever found Jongin this pleasing to the eye. He doesn’t look good, by any means. He’s wearing an old shirt that has a mustard stain on the hem (most likely from the Great Hotdog Incident of 2015) and his jeans are wrinkled. He looks like he’s lost the little bit of weight he couldn’t really afford to lose and the bags under his eyes rival Zitao's. Even though he looks sick with his tanned complexion looking a little yellow, she can’t think of any other way he could look better.

“I’m sorry,” he says without preamble. “I’m sorry for acting like such a jerk, for yelling at you when you were doing the right thing and for not talking to you the past four months. I’m sorry I hurt you the way I did and I’m sorry you had to be the strong one when it should have been me. I don’t have an excuse for the way I acted. You didn’t deserve any of that.” He takes a deep breath and steps into her personal space, cupping her cheek. His voice drops to a whisper as he continues, “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel – how I’ve felt for the past few years. I’m sorry for being such a coward and never making the first move, or any move. I’m sorry you have an idiot like me loving you, but I’m not sorry for loving you.” He pauses, gulping audibly as she stays frozen. She still can’t quite believe he’s right there, talking to her, touching her. “I love you.”

She doesn’t respond to his confession and she can see the disappointment flood his eyes. Then, she moves.

Her hand snaps up and makes contact with his cheek, producing a sharp crack. Shock flits across his features as he presses a hand to his stinging cheek.

“That is for coming here without telling anyone,” she snaps, her vision blurry from tears. She blinks them away as Jongin turns his face towards her, his body language screaming rejection. Then, she laughs slightly. “And this is for coming here without telling anyone.” Without another word, she crashes his lips to hers.

He doesn’t react for a while – she’s pretty sure she just gave him mood whiplash – but then his lips are moving against hers and everything seems right.

They pull apart long enough for her to breathe, “I love you too, babo,” before he’s kissing her again. She wraps her arms around his neck as his arms wrap around her waist and it’s just so easy to ignore the catcalls and the panicked shouts of Sehun coming from her phone when they’re wrapped up together like this.

So maybe EXO isn’t a band anymore.

She’s okay with that, because she realises that we are one isn’t a joke after all. They’re still one, they just don’t sing and dance anymore. At least, not in public (what happens between EXO (because they’re still EXO deep down, but without the fans) stays between EXO).

So maybe she doesn’t live with the K members anymore.

Jongin is moving into her apartment while she’s getting her degree in TV writing. He's managed to get a job as a choreographer at SM, so the commute is just that little bit easier from her apartment, or so he says (but she's definitely not complaining). That leaves Sehun, Chanyeol and Joonmyun in the K dorm, but they’re not alone because Jongdae and Yifan are moving in after selling the M apartment.

So maybe this isn’t the happily ever after she had imagined when she had signed on with SM at the age of sixteen.

She supposes this is better. It doesn’t matter that their fame as an idol group is slowly being forgotten in the heart of their fans. It doesn’t matter that they’re not in the limelight anymore. All that matters is that even if the lights have burned out and the makeup has been washed away, they’re still EXO. They have each other and Ji Hye has Jongin and Jongin has Ji Hye.

And frankly, that’s all she could have ever asked for.

-0-

I feel like I got my soul out of me (no, no dementors I promise), writing this one shot. So many feels and cries blech

It's all because I read an EXO disbanding fic and I got so dismayed at the fact that it could be a real thing that my brain imploded and this monster was created.

Guys, this is the first time I've ever written anything in one sitting without stopping and I'm like dead tired so yeah. It's like six a.m here guys I pulled an all-nighter for this. Man, this was difficult to write.

Ahem, so yeah... my original Ji Hye/EXO pairing. KaiHye is my actual otp like I ship them first before I ship any other even ChanHye doesn't win KaiHye in my heart so yeah I love KaiHye (but that's just me you don't have to like it too if you don't want to).

Isn't the ending like stupidly fluffy? My jaw literally ached while I was writing that last part. I feel like it's a KDrama compressed into one chapter (I hope i didn't fry your brains because i fried my brain whoops eotteoke).

... You guys won't forget EXO even when they're not EXO, right?

Lol I added friendship!KrisHye do you likey and KrisHo could almost be a legit thing did you see the way they held hands at SS5

Have I mentioned it's six a.m and I'm dead tired and I fried my brain writing this one shot in one sitting so if this A/N is stupidly long doesn't make sense just keep those variables in mind

(This is the part where you yell GO HOME ALEX YOU DRUNK/SLEEP DEPRIVED/FANGIRLING TOO HARD)

(You can also give me a cookie if you want because yaaaaaaay I graduated and I just came back from prom a couple days ago and I didn't kill anyone and I'm a secondary school graduate yaaaaaaaay) (I'm sorry I was tired and hungry lol sleep deprivation ain't a small thing)

P.S If you're curious, my horrified EXO disbands feels were activated by this fic

NEW SUBBIES HI ERHMAHGAHD LIKE HI I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR LOVING JI HYE HI YOUR COMMENTS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME BECAUSE YOU'RE FUNNY AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE YEAH SO LIKE KEEP COMMENTING BECAUSE IT'S ADORABLE AND YOU'RE ADORABLE AND I LOVE YOU AND EXO LOVES YOU (ji hye loves you too she loves you so very much i promise)