Letting go I
Life talesUnder the dim lighting of the only bulb that was in the room, a man sat on the floor, crouched near the wall as he stared blankly at the only picture in his hands. It was the only touchable memory he had of her, the others were kept stored in his heart, in which he was unwilling to recall. Every memory of her was killing him inside out but there was nothing he could do to bring her back. All he had were regrets and regrets and regrets. Tears had already dried, leaving stains on his cheeks, his heart was already hurting so much that he felt as though he could just die at the very moment. He had already gone for days without food, only to crouched by the side of the wall where he and Her used to love to cuddle.
Flashback
“Taeng, do you think our baby will come out healthy?”
“Definitely.”
Taeng replied as he kissed her on her forehead, his hands caressing the rounded belly lovingly. It was their first kid. For years, the couple had been trying hard to conceive, but nothing seemed to be working out for them. It was only when she had started vomiting in the morning and felt tired that they decided to go to the doctor and found out they would have a baby. That was the happiest day of his life.
“I hope our baby will have your smile and eyes. She will be beautiful.”
“She? How do you know it’s a she?”
“Because I want her to look like you. You can dress her up in the mother-daughter clothes that you liked so much so that people will all envy me for having such a beautiful wife and daughter.”
She giggled as she snuggled closer into her husband’s chest, wrapping her arms around his body. She knew Taeng doted on her but she never knew that he has observed down to that every small detail of her staring at clothes. There and then, she felt loved.
“Then I hope she will have your character. Always smiling and being optimistic. She will be happy and kind to others, just like you.”
“Really? But I don’t.”
Taeng had been surprised about his wife wanting their daughter to have his character and personality.
“Why?”
“Because then she will attract all the boys and we will be having headaches all day about boys chasing her from all the different countries.”
“But that would mean she is popular.”
“Yup, but it would also mean it would be difficult for her if she likes someone. You know, maybe like a jealous boyfriend?”
Taeng gave soft chuckle while she slapped him gently on his arms. The couple was reminded of the times when she would be jealous of all the girls who would bug Taeng for no special reasons and Taeng being kind and helpful as always would spend his time helping whilst she would be sitting afar, burning down all the other girls with her glare. Taeng of course noticed and time and again, he would have to pacify her. It had taken them a lot of jealousy and pacifying before the couple finally got married. Till then she would never leave him out of her sight in case any unknowing spirit decided to go close to her future husband.
“Fine.” She pouted, causing Taeng to peck her gently on her lips. “I hope she won’t have your byun genes.”
“Why not? It’s the best genes ever.”
Taeng pretended to be shocked as he widened his eyes.
“Yah! Don’t think I don’t know you have been checking other girls out too.”
Taeng pretended to be innocent as he raised his hands in surrender mode.
“No babe. I check the others out so that I can compare them to you only to find that you are better. You know I’m only byun for you.”
Taeng tightened his arms around her waist, her hands slowly rubbing her belly, feeling the other life inside her. There, the couple lay as they slowly drifted off to sleep, a blissful smile on their faces.
Flashback ends
Remembering the times they had spent together, tears rolled down his face. Those that were once happening in his life had became memories and the only living memory that she had left was his daughter, their daughter, whom she had asked him to take care and protect her.
Flashback
“Please… Don’t leave me, please… Wake up, we need you. We really need you.”
Wails rang out through the corridors, as the young man no older than 30 cried in front of an unmoving body. Beside him, a young child of age 4 sobbed uncontrollably in the arms of her aunt.
“Doctor, doctor please, save her. Please. I beg you. Please…”
The man kneeled on the floor, begging the doctor to save his beloved. Unfortunately, there was nothing the doctor could do but to curse himself for being useless despite being a doctor. It was not the first time that he had been pleaded to save the patient, but it was one of the firsts that he felt his heart tearing apart upon hearing the agonished cries coming from the man. He could tell that the young man must have loved his wife a lot, but despite having the heart to save, there was still limited things he could do.
The deceased had been in a horrific car accident in which a lorry had been speeding was unable to break in time and hence crashing into the vehicle that the deceased was in, which in turn rammed into the stationery bus. The impact was so big that the vehicle in the middle was totally crushed like pancakes. It had taken the Civil Defence hours just to extract the victim from the badly flattened vehicle. By then, the victim was already gone.
“Umma… Umma… Wake up. Umma… I promise I won’t be naughty, I promise I’ll study hard. I promise I’ll listen to you. Umma wake up…”
The young child sobbed as she tugged at the piece of cloth covering her mother’s body. Despite her young age, she knew that her mother had already left for the other world and she would not see her for a long time.
“Taeyeon… Taeyeon… Don’t cry. Umma won’t like to see you cry.”
The said girl wiped her tears with her already tear-stained arm, but with every wipe, more tears rolled down her cheeks. Her aunt was no better even though she tried to be strong for her niece and brother. Her grief for the death of her sister-in-law was no lesser than that of her brother and niece as she embraced the young child into her arms.
“Excuse me. Are you Kim Taeng?”
A soft voice was barely heard among the cries. Taeng looked up as he wiped his tears and nodded his head weakly.
“My name is Jae and I was at the scene when the accident happened.”
Taeng gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. For a moment, his eyes hardened as he thought of how his wife had died because of a reckless driver.
“I’m sorry for your loss, but there are a few last words which your wife would like you to know.”
Taeng nodded weakly, waiting for the girl to continue. By then, Taeyeon had already stopped crying but her face was still buried in her aunt’s chest, her eyes all swollen and puffy as she tried to regain her breath.
“Her exact words were, “please tell Taeng to take care of our daughter, to love and protect her. If there’s a need to give Taeyeon a proper and balanced family, please tell Taeng to get a kind woman who would treat Taeyeon like her own. Just keep me inside their hearts, that would be enough.”
Despite it just being a few sentences, Taeng broke down once more as he shook his head, denying the words of the young lady before him. He could not believe that his wife had just asked him to remarry. No he would not. Definitely would not. He would raise Taeyeon by himself, he would be her father and mother, he would not forget about her, never ever.
“Appa… Appa…”
Taeng looked at the small being beside him, hugging his arm. In his grief, he had forgotten that Taeyeon was beside him; her face was stained with tear streaks. Pulling his only family member into his embrace, Taeng hugged the small child as both of them tried to find warmth in each other. It was then that they knew, in the whole world, both of them were left to fend for themselves, Taeng without his wife and Taeyeon without her mother.
Flashback ends
Taeng remembered of the day when his wife had been pronounced dead by the doctor, he had vowed to take care of their only daughter, their only flesh and blood, but he had failed. He had not only failed as a husband but also as a father. For the past few days, he had been down in misery that he had totally forgotten to check up on his daughter.
Willing himself to stand up, Taeng leant against the wall breathing heavily. Days of not sleeping and eating as well as continuous crying had taken a troll on his body, but he knew it was time to let go. He has a daughter to provide and take care of.
Slowly and weakly, Taeng forced himself to grab a few bites of food and freshen up. With every step he took, Taeng could feel his heart being tugged as memories of her rose up in his mind, each situation playing vividly as though they were recorded in real time.
He remembered the times in the bathroom when he would peep inside the bathroom when she was showering, giving her a shock. He remembered the times when they would cuddle on the sofa, watching movies while whispering sweet-nothings to each other. He remembered the times when they would just stand at the balcony, savoring the blissful feelings of having each other, but all that had just turned into ashes and disappeared along with the wind. These times were taken harshly due to the overlook of a reckless driver, but there was nothing Taeng could do. Killing that guy would not bring her back; in fact nothing would bring her back.
Finally freshening up, Taeng opened his wardrobe. Staring at the neatly folded or hung clothes on the racks, Taeng was reminded of how she would always complain to him about his messy ways. Despite her complains, she would fold his clothes neatly, ensuring that there were no ceases in them.
Flashback
“Kim Taeng! How many times have I told you to fold your clothes instead of just chucking them into the cupboard?”
“Why should I? I have you to fold them for me.”
Taeng gave a cheeky smile while she simply pouted and pulled out all the unfolded clothes from the racks, throwing them onto the bed and hitting Taeng in the process.
“Taeng, you better fold them, or your daughter would follow you. You wouldn’t want that, right?”
“I’m sure Taeyeon won’t mind. She has a wonderful mother to help her and teach her how to fold correctly when she grows up, right Taeyeon?”
As if on cue, Taeyeon gave a small giggle, causing Taeng to beam widely at their daughter.
“See! Taeyeon agrees, right Taeyeon?”
Taeng planted a kiss on Taeyeon’s forehead, gently patting the small child lovingly.
“Fine!” She huffed while crossing her arms and sitting on the bed. “Both of you can bully me for all I care. I ain’t doing this anymore.”
Seeing his wife being angry, Taeng immediately slid an arm over her waist and brought her closer to him.
“Taeyeon, umma is angry. What should we do? Taeyeon?”
Taeng gently lifted Taeyeon and shifted the girl nearer to her mother. As if knowing what to do, Taeyeon gave a small laugh and planted a sloppy kiss on her mother’s cheek.
“Umma, don’t be angry. Taeyeon will learn how to fold clothes.”
Taeng tried to imitate a child’s voice and pretended that it was Taeyeon. Placing Taeyeon in sitting position, Taeng gently grabbed the young child’s hands with his and a piece of clothing.
“First, fold the left sleeve, then fold the right sleeve then fold into halves.”
Using Taeyeon’s ‘hands’, Taeng started to tug at the clothing, folding them into neat squares before placing them by the side of the bed. After folding a few pieces, he looked up and found her to be smiling.
“Umma umma! Look I know how to fold clothes now. Thanks to Appa!”
Taeng micmicked a child voice while failing Taeyeon’s hand in the air. Hearing the last sentence, she snorted and grabbed the shirt away from ‘Taeyeon’s’ hand.
“How did you learn from Appa? So ugly!”
“It’s not ugly, because Taeyeon folded it and her appa taught her!”
Taeng said proudly, bringing smiles to her face.
“Oh~ Taeyeon is a good child. Here’s a kiss for you.”
She leant in and gave Taeyeon a kiss on her cheek.
“Taeyeon’s appa also want! Also want!”
Laughing, she leant nearer and kissed Taeng fully on the lips, leaving a wide beam on his face.
Flashback ends
Despite it being a small and everyday event, it was one of the times when Taeng would feel his wife love for him. Each and every clothes was folded meticulously and carefully, as though she was treating it like their relationship, putting her love and thought in. Taeng smiled at the neatly folded clothes. Every thought of her has never fail to bring smiles to his face and him believing that he was luckiest person on Earth to have such a wonderful and loving wife. This time was no different, only that it brought a bitter smile. Nevertheless, he has to continue with life. Life has to go on.
After changing his clothes, Taeng got out of the house and walked towards his sister’s house where he knew Taeyeon would be at.
Taking long walks was her hobby especially when it is slow-paced because it allows her to see and capture beautiful images with her eyes. She was no photographer, but she knew all the good shots which would portray feelings the best – children playing happily with wide smiles on their faces, couples sitting in the park lovingly, families picnicking out together holding each other’s hands. Those would be the shots she would take if she was a photographer, but she did not, because she wanted them to be in her mind and heart and not simply just on paper. Even though a picture may speaks a thousand words, but to her, a picture is always less real than seeing the real image and capturing real feelings.
As Taeng walked through the park, he watched as a pair of mandarin ducks made their way through the pond, one following the other. Ever since, the first time they had walked through the park, the pair of mandarin ducks had always been there, being together and as loving as always.
Flashback
“Taeng! Look!”
She would always exclaimed excitedly whenever they walked past the pond.
“They are still there!”
Taeng smiled at his wife. It never failed to amuse him that his wife would get all so excited seeing the mandarin ducks. To him, they were just ducks, nothing more nothing less, but to her, it seemed as though it was her whole world.
“The grandfather and grandmother too!”
In front of the pond, there would always be an elderly couple who sits on the bench simply holding hands, quietly staring at the pond. Sometimes Taeng would wonder what was there to see, but she had told him that there was simply nothing to see or watch, it was just that they were savoring the time and feelings they have each other. She had told him that when two people are deeply in love with each other, they do not need words but simply silence. That was how simple life was.
“Next time I want to be like them too.”
“And waste the whole day watching ducks and staring at nothing?”
Immediately, a glare shot his way as she wrenched her arm away and walked off. The moment the warmth in his palm disappeared, Taeng realized his mistakes. He had to do damage control before it was too late.
As fast as his short legs could bring him, Taeng quickly ran up to his wife and clutched her hand tightly.
“I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“I… I…”
“You don’t love me anymore?”
“No! No! I love you a lot. It’s just that I don’t want to just hold your hands. I also want to cuddle with you and hold you in my arms. I don’t want to stay silence and just let you feel my feelings, I want to tell you a thousand and millions times that I love you. I don’t want there to be simply just the two of us, I want our children to be there too, and our grandchildren too and most importantly you.”
Taeng slipped his arm into his wife’s and held it tightly while wringing it like a child.
“I want to tell the whole world that I LOVE YOU!”
As Taeng shouted the last sentence, He could see a small blush creeping onto her face and it amused him to see it since they had been together for 5 and married for 2 years.
Usually, Taeng would about her reddening cheeks, causing it to turn into a fully riped tomato, but this time, Taeng was determined to act like a man, hence he pulled her hand and brought her to the elderly couple in front of the pond. Taking a seat beside them, Taeng proceeded to start a conversation in which the elders responded, and from there, they started conversing about their families and their love life while the two younger ones envy of them.
Flashback ends
As Taeng glanced at the elderly couple, it seemed like they were still the same, simply sitting there and enjoying the presence of each other. The mandarin ducks were also swimming happily and together in the pond, not minding the world out there. Everyone seemed to be with their other half except Taeng. Giving a bitter smile, he quickened his pace and left the park behind, his heart silently jealous and envious of the couples.
It was another 5 minutes walk before he reached the shopping mall. One of the reason Taeng chose their house to be in that particular district despite it’s expensive cost was because of the shopping centre.
As alike with many other women out there, She loved shopping, maybe not exactly shopping but window-shopping. She loved to see what the latest fashion trends are, or seeing the latest gadgets, the latest video games, movies and songs, but despite seeing, she seldom felt the urge to buy, always citing that trends would change soon, within months or weeks or sometimes even days. For that, Taeng was thankful that she was different despite him wanting to pamper her. As she would quote, “Trends will always change, but my love for you will never change. So I want your love more.” There and then, Taeng would always felt the urge to kiss her all over her face.
Leaving the busy district and finally turning into a driveway, Taeng knocked on the door of his sister’s house. Almost immediately, he heard footsteps scurrying towards the door and with a click, the door opened and facing him was a young lady who looked a lot like Taeng himself.
“Oppa!!”
Hayeon exclaimed, her eyes twinkling and her smile stretched wide across her face. It was clear that she was excited and pleased to see him. Opening the door wider, she allowed him to enter.
“Taeyeon!! Look who’s here!”
The young lady screamed towards the hall. Almost instantly, pattering of footsteps was heard as a young girl emerged out from a room down the hall.
“Appa!”
The child launched herself towards him, clutching his neck tightly as Taeng lost balance and fell to the floor with a thud. Soon sniffles were heard as Taeyeon buried herself in her father’s neck.
“Appa, I miss you.”
Lifting the young child up and putting her on his lap, Taeng took a closer look at Taeyeon. It was then that he realized how much the girl had became thinner. Her eyes were clearly swollen and puffy and her cheeks were slowly beginning to sink in despite the visible cheek fats. It was also clear that the child had not been sleeping well, given her listless eyes. It was then that Taeng felt that he had sunk too deep into his misery that he had forgotten all about his daughter. He mentally scolded himself for not being a good father and vowed to uphold his promise to keep his only family save from harm.
“Taeyeon-ah, sorry… Appa did not take good care of you.”
“Appa…”
Taeyeon buried herself deeper into her father’s embrace, savoring the warmth and inhaling the familiar smell from her father. Taeng could only smile at the action.
~~~
Sitting down on the couch, Taeng had never felt more contented with looking at his daughter drawing and colouring on a piece of paper. Watching her, he felt as though all the grief and misery that was once in him disappeared.
“Taeyeon has been looking for you ever since.”
A voice interrupted the comfortable silence.
“How is she?”
“She has been crying herself to sleep, always clutching this drawing.”
Hayeon placed a paper in Taeng’s hand. It was a family picture of Taeng, Her and Taeyeon that the young child had drawn. The 3 people were smiling as they held hands, the two taller ones by the side and a shorter one in the middle. Beside each person, a name was written – Appa, Umma, Taeyeon.
Flashback
“Happy birthday to Taeyeon, Happy birthday to Taeyeon. Happy birthday to Taeyeon, happy birthday to you!!”
Clasping her hand and closing her eyes, Taeyeon wished a wish before blowing out the candles in one go, with the help of her parents. After blowing out the candles, the birthday girl gave a kiss to each of her parents and receiving one on each cheek.
“Umma, Appa, where’s my presents?”
Despite only celebrating her birthday twice, Taeyeon knew that she would receive presents on her birthday. With smiling faces, both her parents slowly took out their wrapped presents and passed it to Taeyeon who gingerly tore them apart. Her smiling face soon turned into a wide grin as she saw that her favourite items were enclosed in the presents. Taeng had given her a plush toy, which the younger girl loved so much – Dookong, while She had bought her a beautiful princess like dress.
“Thank you Appa, Umma.”
Taeyeon planted a kiss on each person’s cheeks once again, hugging the two presents close to her heart.
“I have a present for you too.”
Running towards the bedroom, Taeyeon quickly dug out a drawing and shoved it into her parents’ hands. It was a drawing of 3 people, holding hands.
“Is that appa, umma and Taeyeon?”
She asked, pointing her fingers at each person. The young child nodded her head furiously as she repeated the sentence, pointing to each picture and each person.
“It’s a nice picture. Appa and Umma love it very much.”
Taeyeon beamed with the compliment, her eyes twinkling.
“Then I will draw one for Appa and Umma every year!”
Flashback ends
Taeng stared at the picture, his heart aching once more. Every time he sees something, it would remind him of Her. How he hated that feeling, for once he wished to just forget everything about Her, but he knew he could not, because he loved her too much.
“Appa… appa…”
A soft tug at the sleeve of his shirt woke him up from his thoughts. He turned and smiled to the child beside him, who had shoved a paper into his hand. Looking at the paper, he could recognize the drawings; the only difference was that this time, there were only two people holding hands. Their smiles on their faces did not seemed as wide as before, but nevertheless, they were still smiling.
“Taeyeon, where’s umma?”
Taeyeon gave a small smile before pointing to the yellow sun at the top of the paper. It was then that he noticed that the sun had a bright smiley expression, which was not there in her past drawings.
“Umma is in the sky, looking down at Taeyeon and appa.”
Hearing the sentence brought both warmth and relief to Taeng’s heart. Gently, he pulled the young child into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He knew his daughter was a sensible child, but he did not know that she was this sensible, as if she knew what was happening around her despite being young.
“Aunt Hayeon told Taeyeon that Umma did not leave Taeyeon. She just went to another place far away, so Taeyeon have to be a good girl and take care of Appa.”
Taeng felt his eyes watering at the sound of the sentence. He felt regretful for not being there for the child when she needed him most. He should have stayed with her and take care of her instead of wallowing himself in his misery.
“Taeyeon-ah… Sorry. Appa will take care of you from now on. Appa won’t leave you alone.”
“Appa…”
Taeyeon buried herself deeper into her father’s warmth, which brought tears to Taeng’s eyes. He could not control his tears anymore but to let it slide down his cheeks. It was then that he realized how much he had missed his daughter. He vowed once more that he would take good care of her no matter what the cost is.
A distance from them, Hayeon stood watching the father and daughter embracing each other as she sniffed. The scene before her was heartwarming, knowing that both of them had lost someone who was dearest to them. Hayeon was no different. She had lost the best sister-in-law in the world and she knew she possibly would not find anyone like Her. However, she knew she had to be strong for her brother and niece because they are going to depend on her to bring them through their toughest times.
~~~
Taeng laid on his side, watching the small being snuggled in closer to him. Her actions reminded him a lot of Her, but he was determined not to let Her invade his mind. It was time that he stopped grieving about her, stopped thinking about her. No, he was not going to forget her, but just let her live in his memories. What was his priority now was his daughter, their daughter. He would care for her, provide her, protect her and shower her with all the love he could give. It was perhaps, time to let Her go.
-END-
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