Chapter 1
Sent By God
Candles
Hyemi Pov
"High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life.
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time.
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends."
The alarm on my iPhone went off telling me it was time to get up and get ready for another day of school.
" 'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?"
I layed their in bed for a little longer just to listen to the sweet voice of Andrew Garcia who made this lovely cover of Zedd's song Clarity. I prefer this acoustic cover over the original song. It makes me feel calm and at ease.
By the end of the song I realized it was really time to get up and get ready for school.
I slowly pulled my blanket away but pulled it back on quickly because of the cold breeze that invaded my room. I turned my head to see my damn window open.
Who the hell keeps their window open when it's the end of Fall? I'm so stupid!
I slumped back into my bed. The faint noise of footsteps from behind my door and I knew it was my brother coming to telling me to wake the hell up.
"Come on lazy it's time to get up." My brother came in with a smile. I brought my blanket up till it reached my nose and shook my head.
"No…it's too cold Chanyeol." He looked over at the window and giggled.
"Well no one said to fall asleep with the window open. You know how cold it is out side." He smiled at me and jumped on my bed making me bounce slightly.
"Come on little one it's time to get up. You have a Phycology test today so you can't stay home with me." He pinched my nose lightly and I giggled.
"Ok but after my test can I come home early? Most of my last hour teachers are gonna be out today for some work shop." He smiled and nodded his head.
"Yes you can come home early today but that means you have to stay the full day on Friday. Ok?" I laughed and held out my pinky.
"Deal." He smiled and locked our pinkies together. I always laughed at how small my hands are compared to his. My hands are small compared to everyone's actually…
"Deal. Now come on! You have 15 minutes to get ready. I'm making breakfast." He got up from the bed and left the room.
I sighed deeply before mentally counting to 3 before getting up.
"Damn it! It's still cold."
I took my phone from the bed and placed on my dresser and my Pandora app. Immediately, One Republic's song Secrets came on and I smiled.
"I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess."
I sang along happily as I put my uniform on. I really like to sing. It's one of the few things that makes me really happy.
"Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away."
I pulled my long wavy hair back into a ponytail and fixed my shirt and cute little bow tie.
"My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve."
I grabbed my bag and blazer from the edge of the bed and grabbed my phone.
The urge bubbling inside me to text him…
No I don't want to bother him. He's probably getting ready for school…I'll just say good morning.
To: Minwoo<3
Good morning :)
I sent the text quickly. I tried to
keep the smile from my face but it was hard.
Minwoo is my boyfriend…kinda…well I don't really know actually. We never really talked about that.
My phone vibrated
To: Hyemi :)
Hey good morning…I need to talk to you about something. Can you meet me outside the front gates today after school?
To: Minwoo<3
I'm actually going home early today so can I meet you before class?
To: Hyemi :)
Yeah that's fine. Our classes aren't to far apart so I'll meet you out outside your first hour
To: Minwoo<3
Ok see you at school :)
To: Hyemi :)
See you
Hmmm…I wonder what he wants to talk about. Is he gonna ask me to be his girlfriend finally?!
No way. I have known him for too long he probably just want to talk about something stupid like if I have any food for him. That fat is always hungry.
I shook the thought from my head and made my way down stairs to the kitchen. I watched my brother prepare breakfast. I smiled.
How can he be so amazing? He takes care of me, goes to school, has a job and still manages to look rested and well.
After our dad died our mother got remarried to some rich and kinda forgot about us. She moved to France with her husband and left us here in Korea in this house. Yeah she helps Chanyeol out with the bills and sends us money but how could you leave your kids alone in a different country. Chanyeol was 17 at the time and I was 14 when she left. He was my age and had to make sure I didn't starve and got an education while he took care of himself. That must have been so hard. I really respect him for that and I'm very grateful.
I smiled and hugged him tightly from behind. He jumped but looked back at me with a smile.
"What's with the hug?" He asked with a laugh and turned back to the stove. I nuzzled my face into his back.
"I need a reason to love my brother?" He laughed and moved away from the stove to put the bacon on the table but I didn't pull away from the hug. I only tightened my hold around his waist as he walked around the kitchen together.
"The last time you hugged me like this was when you wanted the iPhone 5. So what do you want and how much is it?" I giggled and punched his arm lightly.
"Nothing. I just want to hug you stupid." I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.
"Whatever. Now sit, the food is ready." We sat down at the table together and enjoyed our breakfast.
"You studied for your test?" He asked with a full mouth. I nodded
"Yeah so I hope I do good! If I fail then I might get a bad grade on my report card." I pouted and he pinched my cheek gently.
"You'll do fine you just have to focus. Which is something you seem to have trouble with." He giggled and continued eating.
"Hyemi…"
"Hmm?"
"Your bus comes in 6 minutes. You know that right?" My eyes widened and I looked at the clock on the wall.
"Oh !" I shot up and ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth quickly. I could hear his deep laughter from the kitchen.
I ran around quickly gathering all my things so I could leave. Chanyeol passed me my iPod and gave me a gentle hug before I ran to the bus stop. Thank god I got there in time. The bus came and I put my head phones in and sat down in one of the empty seats. I love listening to music when I'm walking or on the bus. It helps block everyone else out. Plus I just love music.
When I finally got to school I walked in through the gates and saw my friend Maei Le. She's Chinese actually and came to Korea 2 years ago for school. She's going back to China in a few years and I'm really gonna miss her.
Maei Le ran to me and hugged me tight.
"Good morning Hyemi!" She squeaked happily in her soft voice. I laughed quietly at her cute accent.
"Good morning Maei Le. You can let go now." I smiled and she pulled away from her tight grip around my waist.
We talked for a little until we heard the bell ring and went our separate ways to class. When I got to my class Minwoo was already waiting at the door. I smile and walked over to him.
"Hey Minwoo." I spoke softly and he turned towards me. He gave a small smile that was rather unusual for his up beat bubbly self.
"Hyemi…umm…" he looked like he was struggling to say something.
"What's wrong?" He sighed heavily.
"This is hard to say…since everything that happened between us."
Oh…I already know where this is going.
"Just say it. I already know what it is." My expression darkened slightly but I held myself back from bursting into tears.
"I'm sorry Hyemi…but I think we shouldn't be together." I nodded my head to let him continue.
"I'm sorry to say this when I know how you feel." That's when I stopped him.
"Obviously you don't but don't worry. I told you when we first started talking that I was use to this happening to me. I'm use to guys loosing feelings for me quickly. This is the 4th time in a row so it's fine." He looked almost sorrowful but I bet he could give a about how I feel.
"I'm so sorry Hyemi…can we still be friends?" I scoffed.
"I have enough friends and lets face it. You guys always say lets be friends but we're not gonna talk after this and if we do its gonna be awkward. So no." I pushed past him to go into my class but he grabbed my arm.
"I'm not like other guys…"
"Yeah you said that before…and look at where we are now." I shook my arm from his hold.
"Go to class before your late." I turned to go inside the class again and willed my tears away. I could hear him calling my name still from the door but I blocked him out and made my way to my seat. Eventually he left and went to his class. I finally told myself it was safe and I turned my head towards the window and let my small tears fall from my eyes.
That son of a is number 4. That's the 4th time I was shot down like that. Oh let's just be friends…They all said the same thing. They say oh Hyemi your so beautiful and special then a week later they walk away with someone prettier and way more confident.
I wiped my tears away once I saw more students walk into the classroom. I tried to push these stupid thoughts from my head and focus.
About 10 minutes into class I just couldn't sit still. I would shake my leg or tap my pen or my finger against the desk. I couldn't help but think of who this girl is he found that's so damn amazing.
"I'm not like other guys…"
That was ringing in my ears and I couldn't get his voice away from my mind. Maybe he just might be different.…maybe.
By 2rd hour my anger had turned to sadness and I thought about how all those guys hurt me.
By lunch I was on the verge of a complete break down. Everything I saw made me want to cry. Maei Le had to take a make up test for one of her other classes so she wasn't here today. I say silently at my table and ate my food.
Once lunch ended I gathered my things and made my way to my Phycology class. I was walking down the hall when something rather sickening caught my attention.
"Jieun we can't do this in the hallway."
"I just missed you so much today oppa."
I know those voices…
I poked my head around the corner sneakily and saw a couple kissing in the hall way. I would of ignored it but when I looked down I saw a certain multicolored book bag I would any where.
Minwoo that piece of…
"You're really different Oppa!" I shouted and the two turned back to me. Minwoo's eyes widened.
"H-Hyemi…" he stuttered but before he could say another word I had turned around and ran in the other direction towards my class.
"Hyemi wait!" I could hat him shouting but I continued running. When I got to my class I took a few deep breaths before entering.
"Oh…Hyemi your late." My teacher said with a stack of papers in her hand. I bowed respectfully.
"I'm sorry Ms. Kwon. I left something in the lunch room so I ran back to get it." She nodded her head and gestured me towards my seat.
"It's fine. Come sit down, we're about to start the test."
I sat down quietly and Ms. Kwon passed me my test paper.
"Ok good luck." She said and we opened our test booklets.
I tapped my foot and tried to stay focused. I willed away more tears and answered my test.
He's real different alright. He's the first one that made out with his oh so special girl in front of my face so yeah he is pretty different.
I finished my test pretty quickly. I studied a lot so it was easy. I closed my booklet and waited for class to end. I quietly put one of my head phones in my ear. I folded my arms over the desk and put my head down.
"Baby do you really wanna hurt me? Why are you doing this to me? why?
The stories regarding your other men. The stories regarding your behavior. I tried to ignore and pretended that I didn’t hear but."
Of course a 2AM song wants to come on now of all the times I put my damn playlist on shuffle. Though I really love 2AM their music is really beautiful.
The minute this class ended I shot up from my seat, handed my test in and left the class room.
I wanted to go home. I couldn't be here anymore.
I left school and went towards the bus stop and waited.
And waited…for hours it seemed even if it was only minutes…
I got to my door and I opened it slowly making sure the door didn't squeak to loudly. I took my shoes off at the door and tip toed down the small hall way and poked my head out to see if Chanyeol was in the living room.
Call it brotherly instinct but he always knows when something is even the slightest bit wrong with me. Whether it's boy trouble or I'm a little under the weather.
Now that my brother is out of sight I quickly made my way up stares and I closed the door to my room quietly…
Once the door was closed I finally let myself let go.
My breathing started to pick up and I couldn't stop the uncontrollable sobs from ripping out of my throat. My knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor and just cried.
What is so wrong with me? Do I have a giant sign on my head that says cheat on me or something? Am I really that unattractive?
I tried to control my tears when I heard my brother knock on the door softly.
"Hyemi? You in there?" I shot up from the floor and whipped my eyes quickly. I took a deep breath to calm my sobbing before opening the door.
"Hey Chanyeol. What's wrong?" I opened the door and smiled up at my brother. He tilted his head to the side.
"Nothing. I just saw your shoes by the front door and wondered why you didn't tell me you were home. Is everything alright?" I nodded quickly.
"Yeah. I'm just not feeling good I think I'll take a nap before dinner." He looked at me for a moment before nodding slowly and turning away from the door. I closed the door softly.
I shuffled over to my mirror and began to strip my uniform off.
My bow tie…blazer…shirt…stockings…then my skirt…
As each piece of clothing fell to the floor I felt more self conscious.
I stood in front of the full body mirror on my closet door in only my bra and underwear. I looked myself up and down a few times. I turned to the side.
Maybe I'm getting fat…
I placed my hands on my stomach…then my hips. Pinching the skin lightly.
I moved closer and looked at my face.
My cheeks got bigger…my nose is weird…my lips are kinda thin too…
I turned my face from side to side examining every inch. I really am ugly aren't I?
I put on some pajama pants and one of Chanyeol's over sized T-shirts.
I sat down by the end of my bed after dimming the lights. I pulled out the small basket from under my bed. Inside were 4 small candles. For me, each color has a different meaning.
I took them from the basket and lit them carefully and placed them on the floor in front of me in order.
White, Purple, Blue then Pink…
I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before lifting the white candle from the floor.
"You're smart…" I whispered and blew the candle out.
That was always the easy one…I lifted the purple one and willed away the tears that started to form in my eyes.
"Y-you're…beautiful…" I stuttered and blew the candle out quickly.
I picked up the blue candle.
"You deserve happiness…" at this point I was unable to hold my tears back so I let them fall.
Finally the pink candle. The last and the hardest.
"You…you…" I took a deep breath.
"You deserve love." I blew out the candle and layed my head back again my bed. I closed my eyes gently.
I can't believe this happened to me again. Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I'm just unlucky. Whatever it is…maybe I don't deserve love…
I turned and folded my hands in prayer…
"God…please help me. Why do you keep ignoring me? D-did I do something wrong? Am I not beautiful enough? Please just help me. I can't do this by myself anymore. I…I don't want to feel this way anymore. I know you never give someone more than they can handle but why can't I handle this? Please help me…"
Author's Note: This chapter really hits home for me because this is something that actually happened to me. Unlike Hyemi though, I never saw any of their faces in person when it happened. It was definitely hard to write this. It was almost like re-living what happened. I'm talking to a guy now and I'm not sure at all what we are. I call him my boyfriend but I'm honestly not sure. I'm not the type of person to let my past infulence my relationships but its so hard. I hate the feeling of waiting for something to happen and I feel I'm waiting for him to say its over…I hope you guys liked the chapter don't forget to comment!
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