I remember my childhood friend. He was always there for me. We were just teenagers that grew up together since birth and I never felt close to a person before. He was younger, but he made me feel like I wasn't the oldest friend. This guy, he's always loved me as a friend and he never left me behind. I remember going to the beach with him during the summer time while we'd look for shells, bathe a bit in the sun, swim in the cold sea and ice cream until the sun set and it was time to go home. Sleepovers in forts with him, he was always afraid of the dark. He was afraid of dying and leaving all the people in the world. Dongsaeng always had a thick mind, filled with dreams he had. He wanted to be this, be that. He wanted to be everything.

One day, on the next morning of a sleepover, I woke up next to his face. His full lips slightly opened, his white teeth shining in the slight shade of sun. His white skin reflecting. His eyes closed, showing his long eyelashes. He was beautiful, peaceful in his dream world and I felt like I wanted to wake up to him every morning, say good night to him everynight. I was suddenly rushed with euphoric feelings. And my sensibility also kicked in. His closed eyes opened and I was caught, "Ya~ Jonghyun hyung. You're awake now? Why didn't you wake me up? What time was it?"

When we grew older, I confessed. "Kibum-ah." He turned his face towards me. "Ne?" I was shaken. I didn't know if I should have told him at the time. I didn't think of anything else but being happy with him. "I-I.... I like you." He was frozen. He seemed really confused and he looked disgusted.

I tried to hold his arm but I held back and looked down. "Mianhe." He lifted my chin and he said he liked me too. And when he said that, I leaned in and kissed him.

But that's not how it actually went. I wish it was, but it's not the reality that came to be.

He left my house because he was afraid and disgusted by me.

He left, never came back, he left me. It was like he died. I don't know what ever happened to my old friend. 

All I knew was that I was alone.