It’s hard.

Acting like nothing’s wrong.  Like you don’t care.

It’s been weeks since Jiyong and I ended our relationship.  Since then, I felt like a zombie.  Everything became automatic.  I became a working machine.

I would wake up in the morning doing my daily routines.  I always kept myself busy to avoid feeling the pain that was building up in my chest since the day I decided to give up Jiyong.

I asked Hwangsabu-nim to give me more training sessions.  I told him I wanted firm abs and toned leg and arm muscles.  I also asked our manager to accept more TV appearances and interviews besides 2NE1’s scheduled engagements.

Bom kept telling me not to abuse myself.  She knew exactly why I was tiring myself.  I can’t afford to sit down and give myself a chance to feel.  Because I would end up crying in one corner if I stopped moving around.  At the end of theday, I just wanted to crash in my bed and fell asleep.

But even I tire myself to death, memories would haunt me in my dreams.  I would wake up crying not remembering what the dream was all about. 

It was like a premonition everytime it happened.  Because I would hear news about Jiyong a day or two after I dreamt about him. 

He was constantly out of the country.  Only coming back home for a day or two.  He and Big Bang were touring and promoting their latest album.

News about Jiyong would reach me through different mediums.  I couldn’t avoid hearing about him through our mutual friends.  Social networking sites keep tabs on everything he does.

Netizens were reacting with his latest activities.  He was always seen partying in night clubs until the wee hours of the morning.  Snap photos of him cuddling different girls were circling around different blog sites and fan sites.  He would always go home wasted and drunk.

I woke up late this morning.  CL, Minzy and Bom went ahead to YGE building for our dance practice. 

I came running to the practice room passing obliviously through sympathetic look from people on the corridor. 

“Good morning!”  I happily greeted everybody in the practice room.  Their surprised expression made me anxious.  They were huddled together at the center of the room.

“What are you looking at?”

I walked towards the group.  One by one, they dispersed in different directions.  Only Bom, CL and Minzy stayed on their posts.  Minzy was holding something behind her.

“Unnie!  You came quickly.  Did you eat breakfast before coming here?”  CL tried to block my way, but I still saw Minzy quickly hid something in her back pocket.

“We’re just warming up when you came, Santokki.  You did not miss anything.”

Bom tried pulling me to the side.  She took my bag and placed it neatly beside hers.

“What’s going on?”

They were acting weird since I entered the room.   Everybody was being careful and avoiding my gaze.

I escaped Bom’s grip and crossed the practice room towards Minzy.  I could see Minzy’s blood draining from her face.  She couldn’t hide anything for me.

“What is it, Minzy?”  I asked her nicely.  I didn’t want to scare her. 

“Unni, it’s nothing.  It’s just a misunderstanding.” 

Minzy tried to hide behind Bom and CL who quickly joined us.

“It’s not what you think it is, Dara.”  Bom’s voice was full of anxiety.  My heart started hammering inside my chest.  They were scaring me.

“What are you talking about?” 

CL motioned Minzy to show me what they were hiding.  Minzy took out her phone.  I don’t know why, but my hands were shaking when I held her mobile on my palm.  When the screen unlocked, a photo of a man and woman appeared.  The girl was sleeping.  Her body barely covered with white sheet.  The man was facing down.  His tattooed body clearly visible.  His black hair disheveled.

I didn’t know how long I was staring at the photo in front of me.  I couldn’t take away my eyes from the tattoo on the side of the man’s body.  Only one person has that tattoo.  Only one person has that built.  Only one person has that hair style.  Only one person wears the other pair of her earrings.

Jiyong.

I didn’t see who removed the phone from my hand.  It just disappeared, but I kept looking at my now empty palm.  I was staring at my empty palm, but I could only see the photo that forever will be etched inside my memory.

“Dara-“ 

I felt someone tugged on my shoulder.  I didn’t bother looking up.  I just kept staring at my hand.  It was pale.  I don’t have to look at the mirror to know how lifeless I look like.

“I’m sure it’s just one of those girls.  There’s no way Jiyong-“

Bom elbowed CL to stop talking.  There’s no need for explanation.  It was very clear.

I didn’t know where I got the courage, but I found myself smiling at the girls.  It wasn’t a sincere smile, but at least I was smiling.

“Aren’t we starting to practice?  We’re wasting our time standing like this.”

The girls exchanged meaningful glances, but I didn’t want to pry into it further.  We need to practice our dance routine.

“Should we start?”  I asked our choreographer.  He happily indulged at my request.

The photo spread like wildfire via the internet.  Local and foreign news  were feasting at the most scandalous picture Kpop ever had.  YG tried to cover up the issue telling everybody he was just a poser.  Nobody could contact the girl in the photo.  YG was very quick to hide her from the media.  Even Jiyong was missing.

Everybody in YGE was very careful when they talked about the photo, especially when I’m just nearby.  They would quickly change the topic when they think I can hear them. 

I was playing blind and deaf since the scandal appeared.  I chose not to listen.  I chose not to see what’s happening.  I chose not to care. 

I kept a smile always plastered on my face.  I avoided looking straight at people’s eyes.  I don’t want to see their sympathy.  I don’t want o see how pitiful I’ve become to their opinion.

I was called to YG office during one of our practice session.  I was thinking it was about my solo activities.  When I entered YG’s office, all the senior artists and YGE officials were there.  I suddenly felt nervous.  I bowed to everybody with respect.

“Do you know where we can find Jiyong?”  YG asked without hesitation.  He was looking at me with intense emotion.

Everyone was waiting for my response.  I felt like a criminal facing a room full of jury.

“Why are you asking me?”  I asked in return.

“He hasn’t contacted us.  We’re trying to locate him, but he’s unreachable.  We were thinking he could have talked to you this past few days.”  YG explained.  He was trying very hard not to yell. 

“He didn’t call me or any of the girls.”

Everybody in the room started mumbling incomprehensively.  They were talking at the same time.

“You can leave now, Dara.  If Jiyong contacted you, tell him to meet me immediately.”

“Yes, Sajangnim.  I will tell him that.”

I courteously left the room.  Once I was outside, my mind started working.  I returned to the practice room to grab my belongings.  I told the girls I have an urgent appointment with one of the advertisers of Etude.  

Driving my Range Rover, I knew exactly where I was headed.  I have an hour to prepare myself before I face the last peron I would like to see.  I have plenty of time to numb myself.  To build an invisible shield to protect me from the storm I will be facing.

Using my own key, I entered the apartment which was once mine and Jiyong’s sanctuary.  Nobody knows about the apartment except me and Jiyong.

It was completely dark when I stepped  inside the apartment.  No sign of Jiyong at all.  Light flooded the hallway when I switched on the main light.  Just like how memories of me and Jiyong spending time together whenever we were able to get off from our busy schedules.

Walking around the elaborately decorated apartment is like walking inside my memory.  Every corner reminds me of Jiyong.  Every single details inside the apartment.

When I reached the door of the bedroom we used to share for almost two years, I felt my heart constricted.  More memories came rushing.  It was overwhelming.  I turned the door knob with shaky hand.

Just like the main hall, the bedroom was unlit.  Only the rays of sunlight passing through the curtains lighted the dark room.

I stepped inside.  My hand still holding the door knob.  The familiar scent of Jiyong welcomed me.  The masculine yet refreshing scent that will be forever be  etched in my memory. 

“Jiyong-“  I couldn’t help calling out his name.  My voice quivered with too much despair.

Something stirred in the bed.  My grip tightened on the silver knob.  It couldn’t be.

“Dara?” 

 Jiyong! My heart screamed his name.

I quickly searched for the light switch.

“Don’t!”  Jiyong said.  “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

I stayed rooted on the floor.  I couldn’t make another step towards the bed.

“What are you doing here?”  I managed to ask.

“Why are you here?”  Jiyong asked in return.  He was already seated at the edge of the bed.

“I don’t know.  I just found myself driving to this direction.  Everyone is looking for you.”

“You knew already.” 

Silence filled the room.  I don’t know what to say to him.

“Are you just going to stand there?”  Jiyong broke the eerie silence between us.

“You can’t stand close to me anymore.  Do you hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you.”

I was sincere when I said that.  I don’t hate him.  I don’t even know what I should feel at the moment.

“Come here.”

Jiyong’s voice was pleading yet demanding.  I removed my numb hand from the door knob and crossed the small distance between me and Jiyong.  When I was just arms-reach away from him, he pulled me and hug my waist.

We were like that for like an eternity.  No one wanted to speak.  I started caressing his disheveled hair.  He hug me tighter.  I felt his shoulders slightly shaking.  My heart felt like being torn to pieces.  But, Jiyong was the broken one.

“I don’t know what to do.”  Jiyong said helplessly.

“It’s okay, Ji.  We’re here for you.”

“I’m a fool, Dara.  I was careless.  I wasn’t thinking.  I was too drunk.”

Jiyong started sobbing.  It breaks my heart to see him like that. 

“I’m sorry, Dara.  I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, Jiyong.  It happens all the time.  You just have to face the consequences.”

“What will happen to us?”

Jiyong pulled away from me.  He searched for my face through the darkness.  Trying to see my reaction.

“You have to see sajangnim, Jiyong.  You can’t hide any longer.  It will make matters worse if you avoid everybody.”

“I don’t care about them, Dara.  As long as you are here.  As long as you can forgive me for my mistakes.”

Jiyong stood up.  He cupped my face and kissed me.

“Forgive me, Dara.  As long as you can forgive me.”

“You’re not making any sense, Ji.  Be sensible.  You have to talk to sajangnim.”

“Dara-“

“I will forgive you, Jiyong.  But you have to face the mess you created.  Don’t ruin everything you worked so hard for.”

“Dara-“

“I’m stronger than you think I am, Jiyong.”

“Dara.”

Writer's Note

I just realized I have a treasure chest of Daragon fanfiction hidden away.

All of them unfinished. Some parts were missing. HUHUHU....

I hope you would continue encouraging me to finish them all.

HENGSHO!