likeyousaybefore | Rewriting Your Memory | Review by SoheesHusband

Title: (3/5)
Okay, well, you changed your title from "Undeserving Shadow" to "Rewriting Your Memory". In my opinion, "Underving Shadow" was the better name of the two. It's a lot more interesting and a lot more unique than the second name. I've seen titles like "Rewriting Your Memory", and my interest kind of dropped when I saw that you changed the name. I was wondering what the story was about until I saw the name change. Also the first name seems to relate to your plot a lot better. Maybe you aren't to the point where the second title starts to relate, but as of now, "Undeserving Shadow" was the better choice. So, I've deducted two points.
 

Foreword/Description: (6/10)
Well, your description and foreword aren't exactly messy, but they aren't really pleasing to the eye. I like that you have a background instead of just the white background. You should definitely keep that there. I would make the quote in your description a lot smaller because it's not really necessary to make it so large. Also it's a little unappealing. I like that you have the characters lined up with their short descriptions and pictures, so the readers know what they're about to get into before they read. However, I've deducted 4 points because neither your description or character descriptions really did anything to hold my attention. I wasn't looking forward to the story any more than I was before, but that's the whole point of the description and foreword.
 

Characters: (10/20)
Okay, your characters are all Mary Sues, every single one of them. In other words, your characters are all perfect, and this makes for a very boring story. You even say in the description that the OC girl is perfect, which really made me want to not read the story. To be honest, it's a lot more fun to read about a crazy person with a million problems than read about perfect people who have no real problems. I'm not saying to give your characters a -load of problems or issues. I just suggest that you start developing them at some point. You're in the 17th chapter of your story, and your plot has developed some. Why is it that your characters are still exactly the same as they were in the beginning? I see no changes in your characters taking place at all, and it's making the story a little harder to read. It's okay to have one or two static characters in a story, but there has to be some dynamic characters, or the story is boring. Please click on these words for the definition if you don't know what they mean. I can only give you half points for your characters.
 

Plot Line: (15/20)
This plot line wasn't very original because it's been used so many times. 2 guys fall in love with 1 girl, and they both try to win her heart. However, you did mention in the description that it was a "modern love story", so I only deducted 2 points for this. The other 3 points were deducted because your plot isn't really developing. I can see that you're setting it up to be developed, but nothing has really changed yet in the story. There's been no plot twists, no points where I wanted to laugh or cry, no points where I could relate to the characters. Maybe once you start developing your plot more, you can also develop your characters more as well. You say in the description that it was "complicated", but it hasn't been so far. I suggest that you make it complicated though, so it will be more interesting to read. The story has a lot of potential; you just have to use that potential to develop your story.
 

Mechanics: (10/15)
Okay, I was originally going to deduct only 2 points because your mistakes are minor, but there are actually quite a few of them. You've dropped some punctuation, so there's a lot of run-on sentences. Also there were a few misspellings and quite a few grammar issues. Maybe if you had someone look over your chapters for grammar and spelling mistakes, there will be a lot less in your story. I suggest going back and correcting what you can find in the chapters you have up so far. Or hire someone to do it for you. There are even beta-readers that would love to correct your mistakes for you.
 

Writing Style: (8/10)
I have to deduct these two points because you haven't really stuck with one writing style. In the beginning of the story, you were using present tense. Then all of a sudden, you were using the past tense. You can't switching tenses like this because it throws the reader off and becomes distracting. I think you should think about when you want your story to take place. The present or the past? Then I suggust going back and fixing the tenses.
 

Flow: (8/10)
Your story has a nice flow, and you don't really make any sudden changes that confuse the readers. However, I deducted two points because the story is moving along really slowly. You're on the 17th chapter, and I haven't seen the plot develop all that much at all. I'd speed it up a little, not a lot. That way the story won't get boring.
 

Overall Enjoyment: (5/10)
I couldn't really get into the story because it hasn't really developed yet, and I can't read stories that only have perfect and static characters. I see a lot of potential in your story though, and I really hope that you continue it because practice makes perfect. No one writes a perfect story, trust me. So just try to focus on what you can do better, and keep writing!
 

Total: 77/100 | C+

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