Yongguk stood in front of the door, admiring the chipping blue paint as his hand lingered hesitantly over the brass handle. Junhong’s words echoed in his every action. He had been relieved when Himchan told him that he had to leave for Créon for a week; he had been unable to tell him the ultimatum Junhong had given him, not yet at least.  

The more Yongguk dwelled on his last meeting with Junhong, the more he realized how wrong he and Himchan had been. He couldn’t help but compare how Junhong had been able to control himself around Yongguk, pushing aside his feelings for the bourgeois, and how strongly he had clung to his morals. It was something that consumed Yongguk with guilt; he was weak against his own desires.

Yongguk didn’t know much about life, but one thing was for sure, he knew he loved Himchan.  He needed Himchan. He needed to listen to Himchan’s soft pulse as he held him, he needed to hear the sweet words that Himchan would only say to him. There was something about Himchan that made his knees weak and his heartbeat speed up just at the sight of him. But these sensations only reinforced Junhong’s confession about control. If Junhong could control himself, why couldn’t Yongguk? Surely Yongguk’s attachment to Himchan had begun when he had laid eyes on him; why hadn’t he been able to stop himself?

The battle in his mind between being in control of himself and throwing himself aside for love tangled his thoughts and drained his energy. Yongguk had spent the week away from Himchan, hiding from the world. He didn’t want to face the deception and web of lies he had thread throughout his life.

He was suffocating with the words that were lodged deep in his throat; the words he’d have to say to Himchan. The shadow of separation seemed to grow taller behind him the closer he got to his lover.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he knocked on the door, praying that Himchan wouldn’t answer. The seconds ticked by slowly as he waited, cold sweat decorating his forehead.

Himchan greeted Yongguk with surprise. His features slightly greyed by fatigue. “Yongguk. What are you doing here? I said I’d be back Monday.” Suddenly, Himchan smiled. “Did you miss me that much?”

Yongguk bit back a sob, returning Himchan’s flirty gaze with a steely one. “Can I come in?” He asked, clearing his throat. He was afraid to warm up to Himchan out of fear he wouldn’t be able to let go.

“Of course.” Himchan gestured inside the small living space. “Jongup is asleep.”

Yongguk nodded, feeling himself brush against his lover as he entered the room. He tried to ignore the ache in his body that screamed for him to hold Himchan tightly until the sun came up. He gave Himchan a small smile, brushing aside the tingling in his fingers and making his way into the room.

“How has studying been going?” Yongguk cleared his throat; his words were dry and cracked.

“It’s a bit draining, as you can see.” Himchan sat down on a chair, inviting Yongguk to do the same. The older gladly obliged, taking a seat directly in front of Himchan. His eyes bounced around the apartment, refusing to look at Himchan. “But I do get a feeling that this isn’t about my studies.” Himchan smiled again.

Yongguk took each curl of the lip as a stab to the heart. Himchan reached out to hold his hands, but Yongguk retracted them. The hurt and confusion that marred Himchan’s face was unmistakable. His thin lips drawn together in a slight pout and his squinted eyes drew Yongguk a pretty clear map of the thoughts that were laced in Himchan’s mind.

“I saw Lord Choi last week.” Yongguk tested Himchan’s reaction.

His lover raised an eyebrow at the mention of the duke’s name. “I remember.”

“He knows about us.”

Himchan stayed silent. He inhaled softly and blinked repeatedly. “A lot of people knew about us.”

“Yes, but he isn’t happy about it. He doesn’t want this relationship in his court.” Yongguk fidgeted in his seat. Yongguk didn’t want to tell Himchan the real reason. He didn’t want to seem stupid in front of his lover, admitting to being a person weak against his own desires. He especially didn’t want to tell Himchan what Junhong had confessed to him, and how he had confessed to him.

“He threatened us, Himchan.” Yongguk said through clenched teeth. “I shouldn’t even be here right now. If he finds out we’re together then…”

“Then what?” Himchan asked calmly.

Yongguk didn’t know. Junhong’s words might just have well been empty threats. He shook his head slowly, trying desperately to think back to what Junhong had said, but all he could think of was Junhong’s hot breath fanning his lips and the way he had picked at Yongguk’s weakness, making him question and doubt himself.

“Then what, Yongguk?” Himchan repeated, with more vigor.  

“I don’t know, but I don’t want you to get hurt.” Yongguk glared at Himchan. That much was true. He didn’t want Himchan to be harmed, especially on his account. “And I think it’s best if…" Yongguk inhaled sharply, trailing his sentence. 

Himchan grabbed Yongguk’s arm, his features contorting in pain. “You’re leaving me?” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly, already knowing the dreaded answer to his question.

“No!” And like water through his fingers, the opportunity for Yongguk to leave Himchan slipped away. Yongguk had rehearsed it thousands of time, the way he would break off his relationship with Himchan, convincing himself that Junhong wouldn’t hurt him if Yongguk left. “No. I couldn’t.”

*

Yongguk had given in again. It was all too easy to cave in. He had done exactly what Junhong had expected him to do. 

He sat up in bed, unfamiliar with his surroundings. Himchan’s soft sighs reminded him of where he was, and his gaze turned to his sleepy lover. Himchan’s cheeks were squished on the pillow, his lips open in a pout.  Black hair fell into his eyes, slipping across his forehead. Yongguk chuckled silently, ghosting his fingers across Himchan’s forehead, sweeping hair away from his eyes.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to have left Himchan yesterday. But leaving Himchan meant giving in to Junhong and surrendering himself to a life of misery. Yongguk realized that no matter what decision he took, Junhong would always win. Junhong had played his cards right with his ultimatum. Yongguk knew that Junhong would take great pleasure in watching Yongguk resist his desires and obey his demand for him to stay away from Himchan. But Junhong would bear a smug told you so look if he found out that Yongguk had caved in and run to Himchan. Yongguk couldn’t help that he was in love with Himchan. He had always, in the back of his mind, thought about breaking off the relationship before it got too far; however, Yongguk realized that he was already in too deep so all he had to do now was start swimming.  

But Yongguk was terrified of drowning. He couldn’t predict how Junhong would react if he found out that he was staying with Himchan. He could bear punishment, but he wouldn’t stand for harm coming Himchan’s way.

“Are you awake?” Himchan croaked. He blinked sleep from his eyes, lifting his head from the pillow, revealing deep red lines cutting across his cheek.

Yongguk kissed Himchan. “Yes.” He broke away, smiling, before pecking the sleep lines that marked Himchan’s cheek.

“I have to go to class.” Himchan groaned, letting his head slump in Yongguk’s lap. “But I don’t want to.”

Yongguk ran his fingers through Himchan’s fine hair, massaging his head and extracting relaxed groans from him.

“Jongup.” Himchan whispered. He perked his head up from Yongguk’s lap and ran out of the room. Yongguk heard Himchan shuffling in the room next door, hushed voices filling the silence as Yongguk sat absent-mindedly in the bed.

“Sorry about that. Jongup has a caretaker in the morning, and I need to get him ready.” Himchan reappeared in the doorway, his black hair had fallen back over his eyes.

“I understand.” Yongguk followed Himchan’s movements as his lover picked out clothes for the day, soft fabrics rustling under his touch as he searched for a specific shirt.

“Would you mind walking me to class?” A smile graced Himchan’s face. Yongguk felt his own lips curl in content as he nodded slowly. He’d do anything to spend more time with Himchan.

“Absolutely not.” Yongguk hoisted himself off the bed, retrieving clothes he had strewn on the floor last night.

“This might not be the right time to say this, but you know, Lord Choi has granted Jongup treatment in Paris.” Himchan adjusted the collar of his white shirt. 

“What do you mean?”

“He has agreed to pay for all accommodations at a clinic in Paris that Jongup will be going to for treatment.”

Yongguk stayed silent, waiting for Himchan to reveal more.

“Mr. Jung has left some pretty positive reviews about me. This pleased Lord Choi because it brought fame to his university. Or rather, his father’s.” Himchan sighed. “So he wanted to compensate me.”

The older narrowed his eyes. He didn’t doubt that Himchan had done an excellent job, but taking on all medical expenses was no small feat. Yongguk felt uneasy as Himchan explained his situation with a bright face. Maybe this was just another one of Junhong’s games.

“But don’t you think it’s odd?”

“Well. Yes.” Himchan ruffled his hair and made faces in the mirror. “But you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Yongguk nodded. He wanted to go further, to tell Himchan that maybe it wasn’t the gift that was odd, but where the intentions of the giver lay.

*

Yongguk and Himchan barely spoke on their way to class. The bourgeois was too busy taking in the lustrous sights of a town glistening under the morning sun.

They walked through narrow, cobblestone streets. Tall white and grey buildings lined the roads, their windowsills decorated with blooming bushels of flowers, the vines twisting along the smooth walls in a patterned fashion.

The atmosphere was quite different from Bordeaux. Yongguk felt, although the streets were narrow, a certain freedom. He breathed in fresh air and walked at a steady pace besides Himchan, forgetting the quickened gait he was forced to adopt in the city.

“It’s really nice here.” Yongguk commented.

“Isn’t it?” Himchan laughed. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.” Yongguk could hear Himchan grinning, but didn’t turn to face him.

“I’d love to.” Yongguk smiled. “Oh! At the end of this week, I have to go back to Bordeaux, sign the papers with Mr. Jung.” Yongguk admitted. “Shouldn’t take long. I’ll be back quickly.”

Yongguk laced his fingers in between Himchan’s, testing the newfound liberty he felt in the town. When he felt Himchan tighten his grip around his hand, he knew that he had not been imagining it. It was almost as if he had crossed into a new world, a world in which he made up the rules and he and Himchan could live together freely. But the discomforting fact that Bordeaux was only two hours from the town still loomed darkly in the back of his mind.

The university was nothing spectacular.  A simple cathedral-like building with grey stones and a black roof, garnished with green shrubbery at the entrance. The wooden doors were simple and lacking any design. There was a lightly shaded indent where students’ hands had been to push the doors open over time. Had Yongguk been alone, he would have mistaken it for an abandoned church.

“Do you know the way back home?” Himchan turned to Yongguk for the first time since they left Himchan’s tiny abode.

Yongguk shook his head in affirmation, trying to keep his smile from spreading too broadly across his face.

"Then I’ll see you tonight." Himchan looked down at their interlaced hands. “We still have to be careful here. This town has eyes.”

*

Yongguk sat on the edge of the bed again, resting his face on his hands as he watched Himchan change into his night clothes. A tiny candle flickered on the night stand, casting moving shadows along the bare walls. He watched Himchan hesitate over the buttons of shirt, before finally ing them, exposing his lean torso. Himchan picked up his night shirt and slipped it on a bit too quickly for Yongguk’s taste.

Yongguk began wondering why he had even thought of leaving Himchan as an option. Just by looking at his lover, he felt at peace with the world. No one else could ever give him that sensation.

“What are you thinking about?” Himchan approached Yongguk, running his hands through the older’s hair.

“You.” Yongguk pulled Himchan in closer by the waist, until he could rest his head on Himchan’s abs. He sighed contentedly, turning his head so he could plant soft kisses on Himchan’s clothed body.

“You really scared me last night.” Himchan spoke softly. “I thought you were going to leave me.”

Yongguk had repeated the scene over and over in his mind of him leaving Himchan. And for every time he repeated the thought, his mind would go blank after he ended their relationship. In the past, Yongguk had fantasized multiple times in the past of ending his and Jieun’s relationship, having no problem to imagine life without her, but a world of white welcomed him whenever he had thoughts of leaving Himchan.

The older leaned back on the bed, slightly tugging at Himchan, who fell on top of him. He studded Himchan’s neck with light kisses, trailing them to his shoulders. He enjoyed the saltiness of his lover’s skin, wondering how someone could be so addicting.

And despite the guilt gnawing at his stomach for giving in, he allowed himself to slip deeper and deeper in love with Himchan. He was letting go of his weakness by embracing it. He was tired of having Junhong use Yongguk’s debt towards him as a way to wrap him around his finger.  After all, it was thanks to the duke that the couple hadn’t been completely shunned from society.

But Yongguk had already lost too much in his life to stand to lose Himchan.

Pushing those thoughts aside, he purred as he curled his fingers around the soft collar of Himchan’s shirt. He pulled Himchan down for a chaste kiss. It made him feel connected to Himchan, as if the worry of separation was far gone. Yongguk giggled as Himchan kissed his forehead, trailing them down to the tip of his nose, tickling his lips with his hot breath. He felt Himchan smile into the kiss as he pressed his delightful pink lips against Yongguk’s.

Yongguk wrapped his arms around Himchan, pulling him even closer. He closed his eyes and focused on Himchan’s rhythmic breathing and soft heartbeat against his.

“I’d rather die.” Yongguk answered before falling asleep in Himchan’s arms.