“We are running out of options.” Wrinkles creased the lawyer’s forehead as he sifted through a thick stack of papers, scrawled with messy black lines.

Yongguk’s eyes shifted from the giant bay windows and landed on the lawyer’s worried face. His vision was dark and swimming as he tried to contrast the somber interior of the room with the majestic light blue sky he had been observing. He blinked several times before processing what the lawyer had just told him.

“Why?”

“It seems like Mr. Kim has found some very sturdy laws. They haven’t yet been reviewed by the recent government.”

Himchan’s surname rattled through Yongguk’s brain. It had nearly been two weeks since he had last seen his lover, and he was heartbroken. Yongguk felt like a hollow shell, empty and cold. His heart beat slowly against his chest, and he found nothing that interested him. He slowly grew irritated by the people around him and disinterested by the case. The bourgeois couldn’t understand why people around him acted like everything was going normally when it wasn’t.

Images of  Himchan’s feline features flashed behind his eyelids as he closed his eyes to keep from lashing out in frustration. He tugged gently at his shirt, his sweaty fingers the gold buttons nervously.  He had promised that he wouldn’t let this case come between them. But he had been so doubtful. He hated that his mind had made his heart waver.

“Mr. Bang there are a lot of other issues surrounding this case.” The lawyer’s voice brought Yongguk back to reality.

“Such as?” Yongguk picked at the maple table that glistened like gold under the chandelier and contrasted against the black obsidian marble of the floor.  Wisps of time silently passed as he focused on his fingers working the cool surface, ignoring the lawyer’s hard glare.

“I’m afraid vicious rumors have been circulating about you. Rumors about you and Mr. Kim.”

Yongguk’s fingers fell flat on the hard surface. He brought his gaze to the lawyer’s observing his wrinkled, watery eyes as they tried to read Yongguk.

“What do these rumors have to do with my affairs?”  Yongguk snarled.

“God hates a sinner, Mr. Bang.”

“God…” He scoffed. “God has nothing to with my vineyards, Mr. Lee.”

“Yes He does. Who do you think will be judging this case? Lord Choi is a very religious man.”

“Mr. Lee. Who have you heard these rumors from? What do these rumors even say?” Yongguk cocked a confused head to the side. The mention of God made Yongguk’s stomach clench in fear. He had never been much a religious man, but he knew the implications of Mr. Lee’s statement.

“You’re an adulterer. And supposedly you’re with a man, the man who is taking us apart bit by bit in this case.” Mr. Lee leaned in close, as if his words would spiral out of control and land upon all of France’s ears. “Jung Daehyun has been hinting at it.”

Yongguk fell back on his chair. His back hit the backing with a thud, nearly knocking the wind out of him. “You’re believing our competitor?” His voice rose dangerously as he picked his body from the chair and his heel.

The amount of distrust and hypocrisy in Yongguk’s own society made him sick. His own lawyers were turning against him, out of fear that maybe they would actually lose this case. But he couldn’t deny their accusations; he was in love with Himchan.

“Mr. Bang…he said some very believable things.” The lawyer clasped hands and held them out in prayer.

“His accusations are false.” Yongguk heard himself growl, his eyes focused on the somber doors before him.

Yongguk shook his head as he pushed past the doors to his foyer. He hoped that the servants would see his lawyer out of his office soon.

He made his way with heavy steps towards the main room, eyes glancing over the empty seat he was about to take. He reached out for the table besides the giant armchair and held a packet of letters that had been carefully laid out. They were all the same size, endowed with curly black writing and a vulgar red seal at the back. The paper absorbed the slight moisture from his sweaty fingers. His hands trembled as he read and re-read the name at the top left corner of each.

Kim Himchan.

Yongguk had received a letter every day of the week, but he hadn’t had the courage to open any of them. He was terrified of the words that were entrapped within them, the written apologies and truths that he wouldn’t be able to bear to hear. He didn’t want to think that Himchan had never loved him. He didn’t want to think that this may have been all been part of a plan.

He didn’t want to think that their love had not been real.

Yongguk quickly locked the letters away in the white commode by the extinguished fireplace save for the most recent one.  He drew in a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand as the air filled them to the seams. He let it out, controlling it so that it seeped out softly through his nose.

The satisfying rip of the seal tensed Yongguk’s muscles with anticipation and curiosity. He glanced up briefly at the spiraling staircase, looking out for any wandering eyes that might be observing him.

Yongguk,

I’m not getting any responses from you-it’s killing me. But I will keep writing in hopes that you do read these messages. I love you, and I wish you would realize that I know I must have annoyed you in my past letters, but I will keep annoying you until you come back to me. Please.

I will be in Bordeaux on the 14^th. I will be by our spot on the Garonne at 10 p.m.

I will wait until the sun peaks through the sky on the 15^th, and if I do not see you I will no longer bother you.

-Himchan

P.S I miss you

“Whose letter are you reading?” Jieun’s soft voice filled the room, scattering Yongguk’s concentration on the letter.

“What day is today, darling?” He quickly folded the letter in his palm, feeling the paper cut into his skin. The sharp noise of crinkling paper filled the room before either of them spoke again. They both looked at each other, feeling the coldness of the empty space between them and the vastness of the giant room like a distance insurmountable.

“The fourteenth, why?” Jieun blinked and removed her straw sunhat, delicately placing it on the coat holder. She bent down to pick up the shopping bags and Youngjae’s carrier, groaning as she lifted the baby’s weight.

“Nothing.” Yongguk looked at the old clock on the brown wall behind the armchair. Four in the afternoon. “Here let me help you, dear.”

Yongguk picked up the basket containing Youngjae, peering down at the baby’s joyful face. His eyes lit up as they fell upon his father, squealing in happiness. Yongguk returned Youngjae’s gleeful expression with a smile, while behind his eyes his mind raced wildly with the words of Himchan’s letter.

*

The darkness surrounded Yongguk as he took cautious steps towards the willow forest. Branches sang softly as a breeze played through them. The night sky was still, like the calm before a storm, with the lingering heat of the afternoon still thick in the air.  Yongguk swallowed nervously as he advanced through the thicket. His muscles were screaming for him to stop, turn around, and forget Himchan, but his heart simply couldn’t. Yongguk wanted to at least see Himchan one last time, to alleviate the pain he had endured for two weeks. He needed to touch Himchan’s silky skin, feel his breaths against his skin, and hear his unique voice once again.

Fear and uncertainty quickly turned to giddiness as Yongguk approached the riverside. The waters were still and black, capturing the white light of the moon on each wave crest.  The blank noise of the water and the brushing of the leaves were a comforting sound to Yongguk, whose breaths had begun to speed up. He felt less alone with the slight bustle of the scenery around him.

July fourteenth was a symbolic day for many French people. It signified the day that the people took action and stormed the Bastille, rising in protest against the monarchy and its oppression. They refused to be slaves to the small fraction of elite who did not earn their titles, but rather, inherited them passively from their forefathers.

For Yongguk, however, the fourteenth represented a little bit more than that.  In a way, the fourteenth symbolized his own rebellion against Jieun, against society.  He was freeing himself of the societal ties that deemed his relationship with the love of his life a sin. But unlike the passionate outburst of 1789, Yongguk’s rebellion was silent, hesitant even.

A sudden rip of color through the black sky caught Yongguk’s attention. The firework sparkled like diamonds on a woman’s necklace under candlelight. The gunshot sounds echoed through the valley, drumming Yongguk’s eardrums relentlessly. The ripples in the water shone blue, white, and red, no longer reflecting just moonlight, they had caught the colors that soared through the night sky.  Golden sparks like fairy dust fell to ground, scattered by the wind.

Himchan was mere meters from Yongguk. His eyes were full of color as he watched the fireworks intently.  Yongguk’s breath caught in his throat as he admired Himchan, who seemed to glow under the moonlight. His stark white skin came alive with bursts of color as green, purple, and even pink fireworks scattered through the sky. If he had heard Yongguk, he didn’t show any sign of it. It was the perfect moment for Yongguk to turn back, for him to close the wound before it got deeper.

Yongguk stood silently, watching Himchan as his heart raced in his chest. Each pump of blood filled his ears, louder than the sound of the fireworks above. His motions slowed and he felt the world becoming smaller until he felt that they were the only two people left in this tiny sanctuary.  

“Yongguk?” Himchan turned to face Yongguk.

Yongguk sighed heavily, hanging his head low. He did not want to see the tears that had gathered at the corners of Himchan’s eyes, knowing full well that he was the reason behind them. He let Himchan take slow steps towards him. Himchan’s cat eyes were wide, mimicking the moon’s shape, taking in Yongguk’s dark silhouette, wondering if he was real. If this was really the man he had been waiting for, or if this was just an awful dream that would leave him screaming and heartbroken in the morning.

Himchan’s lips parted as he frowned in confusion. He was centimeters away from Yongguk now, almost tasting his cologne.  The spicy scent stung the tip of his tongue, tickling it with a teasing demeanor. “Please say something.” The words trickled out  of the corners of his pink pout, dissolving in the air between them, barely audible to Yongguk.

A flash of white lit up the two hesitant figures, revealing pained expressions marked with regret and fear.

“Oh God, Himchan.” Yongguk breathed, letting his tense body relax with each word.

“I was so scared. I thought I’d wait forever.” Himchan dropped his eyes so that they focused on Yongguk’s strong chest. He bit his lips nervously, eyes flirting with the subtle glow of Yongguk’s buttons in the moonlight. 

Yongguk brought his hands on either side of Himchan’s face, slowly tilting it up. Tears pooled at the edges of his red-rimmed eyes, sparkling colorfully as the fireworks continued their display in the distance.

“Why would you wait for a guy like me?” Yongguk placed a chaste kiss on Himchan’s forehead. Himchan shivered, his head secured in Yongguk’s firm grasp. “I broke your heart.” Himchan closed his eyes, the salty tears from the corners of his lips.

“You did break my heart. But you’re here now though, aren’t you?” Himchan asked. “I waited for this,so we could fix this. I know you were worried, I know why you left. But I also knew you’d come back, that’s why I’m waiting.”

“I’m sorry, Himchan.” Yongguk kissed Himchan’s closed eyes gently, his lips barely touching Himchan out of fear of tainting him with his impurity, his lack of empathy. He was afraid he’d flaw the perfection that was Himchan with his dirty lips that guarded vile, unspoken thoughts. “I’m sosorry.” Yongguk continued his butterfly kisses, not sparing an inch of Himchan’s cheeks, sweeping across his forehead, enjoying strawberry taste of his lips, and pecking the tip of his nose watching it turn pink in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you.”

Himchan kept his eyes closed but a small smile formed shyly, trembling as he regained his breath. “Keep saying sorry.” Himchan laughed.

Yongguk returned his laugh and complied with Himchan’s request. “I’m sorry.” Yongguk smiled as he kissed Himchan’s jaw delicately, lacing in phrases of apology with each kiss. Himchan whimpered slightly, no longer to listening to Yongguk’s apologies; simply enjoying the feel of Yongguk’s pillow lips on his skin. “Would you really wait forever?” Yongguk suddenly asked, his lips leaving Himchan.

“Immortality is quite demanding, Yongguk.” Himchan countered, his eyes fluttering open. Yongguk remembered telling Himchan that their love was immortal; that even though their relationship hit rock bottom, their love would never be erased. They were beginning to mark society’s ballrooms red with their affair, and no matter what happened between the two, everyone would remember their love for each other. Even after the grave, their names would bring back the love that bonded them. And that was immortality, Yongguk was sure of it.

“I don’t know why I let this come between us.” Yongguk sighed.

“We just have to be more careful, Yongguk. I don’t think anyone really knows yet.”

“Daehyun does. Junhong is suspicious.”

Himchan looked Yongguk dead in the eye. “He hasn’t said anything to me about it.”

Yongguk’s fingers brushed soft black hair from Himchan’s face before continuing. “He’s using you for the case, but I’m afraid of what he’ll do to you after it.” 

The fireworks had stopped, their gunshot dins long faded into the stillness of the night. Now only the moon shone down on the couple, as a witness to their secret relationship unfolding messily but passionately like a fledging taking its first flight. They bathed silently in the silver light, afraid of the answer that was stifling their minds.

“I don’t know, Yongguk.”

“Whatever happens, I’ll make sure we’re together.” Yongguk’s voice lowered, as he whispered the words in Himchan’s ears, meaning every last syllable. 

Himchan nodded and his lips, bringing his forehead closer to Yongguk’s until they touched. “I don’t think I can go through this again. I missed you so much."

Yongguk’s throat tightened dryly. He wanted to spill his tears, let his body collapse from exhaustion and the pain he had felt during the two weeks he was away from Himchan. He whimpered and quickly planted his lips on Himchan’s to keep from ripping open. His lips felt Himchan’s warm breath as he gasped in enjoyment. Yongguk s his arms around Himchan’s back, pulling him tightly until their bodies couldn’t be distinguished, afraid that if he let go, Himchan would disappear again.