The familiarity of Lord Choi’s mansion surprised Yongguk. There was rarely a time when a diplomat or high-ranking socialite had ever impressed Yongguk enough that he’d keep coming back to their events. But the young duke held a rather promising front, with excellent hosting skills. Yongguk also admired the vast number of different faces he encountered night after night, clinking glasses with them and sharing business information.

Although Yongguk was now used to the elegant tapestries that lined the walls and the grand banquet tables lined with golden silverware, he felt lost. Jieun had refused to come to this event and he had been rather shocked at how much she had rejected his invitation.

The young bourgeois felt exposed, as he had when he had taken Youngjae for a stroll. His slightly heeled shoes marked the floor with noisy clicks as he made his way towards the main room. He adjusted his suit, loosening it subtly as heat was beginning to creep to his cheeks. He had worn all black for the occasion; Yongguk knew it was the safest. Yongguk did not like to play things safe, after all, he always had, and he was now getting bored with it, but tonight he was feeling awfully alone and new. The stares of the other guests were unmistakable as he straightened his back and strode slowly towards the center of the ballroom. He was sure that his lonely presence was perking curiosity into the onlooker’s minds but he wasn’t about to turn back now.

Instead, Yongguk focused on finding his now good friend, Lord Choi.  The ballroom was magnificent as ever. It was brightly lit by a giant chandelier, the highlight of room, really, that sparkled colorfully as the flames danced through the lovely crystal pieces that dangled elegantly from the ceiling. A soft breeze from the open French doors swayed the loose ends of the chandelier, making them clink almost inaudibly over the muffled murmur of the party. Yongguk inhaled sharply and let his eyes wander through the room, scanning it for a tall, thin figure.

The black and white checkered floor sparkled lustrously and Yongguk almost felt bad about stepping on it. He let the clack of his shoes lull him and distract him from the stares as he approached the duke. The duke was standing by the fireplace, an elegant hearth of mahogany wood carved with intricate scenery, speaking with some guests. Yongguk’s heart raced as he noticed one of the guests had black hair. His eyes narrowed and a small smile formed on his lips; he had been secretly hoping Himchan would be attending this party too. But as he neared the duke and his entourage, he noticed that it wasn’t Himchan. The man had an ugly scar that ran down the side of his unshaven face, and his skin was dark and pockmark ridden. Yongguk had never seen him before, but it didn’t matter, he just knew it wasn’t Himchan.

“Lord Choi.” He smiled warmly and dipped his head in respect.

Junhong’s eyes flickered to Yongguk and for a moment they flashed with an emotion that Yongguk couldn’t quite place. The duke’s mouth fell open, unspoken words lodged at the back of his throat as his eyes traveled up and down Yongguk’s body, as if frantically searching for something.

“Mr. Bang.” Junhong finally speaks. “Where is Mrs. Bang tonight?”  It was clear in his wide eyes, though, that his words were not the same as his thoughts.

“She was feeling under the weather today.” Yongguk is not lying to Junhong, but he’s not telling the full truth either.  Jieun had seemed a little unwell,; Yongguk remembered her tiny body wrapped in blankets as she sat by the fire and admired the yellow glow with empty eyes.  Her voice, however, was taught with emotion and anger towards Yongguk.

“That is quite a pity.  I wish her a fast recovery.” Junhong sighed and bore his eyes into Yongguk’s. They appeared caramel in the firelight and Yongguk wondered if Junhong was aware of that. Perhaps not, but then again, perhaps Junhong didn’t care.

“Thank you.” Yongguk turned to face the heat of the hearth, unable to bear looking at the duke for much longer.

“Yongguk.” A pale hand rested on Yongguk’s arm, and snapped his attention back to the duke. “There’s a matter that I’d like to-“

“Lord Choi!” Yongguk felt his ears burn pink at the tips. His skin crawled as he heard the familiar honey-coated voice.

Jung Daehyun approached the duo, a glass shimmering in his hands. He wore a bright smile on his face which greatly contrast the sinister look in his coffee brown orbs. His gait was energetic and his fingers drummed the glass, leaving sweat prints on the transparent crystal.

“Mr. Bang, fancy seeing you here as usual.” His lips curled into a smile that Yongguk knew wasn’t friendly.

Yongguk grunted and tipped his head slightly in Daehyun’s direction. His throat rumbled with curses that he held back at the tip of his tongue.

“Ah yes, Mr. Kim will be arriving shortly, I presume you have a lot of…frustrations to express towards him?” Daehyun chuckled.

“He’s only doing his job, Mr. Jung.” Yongguk challenged the Niceois. Sudden panic gripped his stomach as a smirk graced Daehyun’s features. Was it possible that Daehyun had caught on? A sudden, dark, thought rushed to Yongguk’s head.

What if Daehyun was using Himchan to throw him off guard?

This wasn’t impossible; Daehyun was well known for playing games and toying with people’s minds. He was a master coordinator who was afraid of nothing to get what he wanted.  Yongguk had always despised Daehyun for his cheating ways, but he never thought that he would fall victim to them.

“Please excuse me.” Yongguk mumbled, raising a hand to his forehead. He stumbled slightly, bumping into a few guests, murmuring apologies.

“Yongguk, are you alright?” Yongguk felt strong arms wrap around him, stopping him from continuing on his course. He looked up curiously and recognized Himchan’s eyes, narrowed with worry.

“Let go of me.” Yongguk growled.  He felt Himchan’s breath catch in his throat. His feline eyes darted back and forth, unsure if he had heard his lover clearly.  “I need a drink.” Yongguk struggled out of Himchan’s grasp and left him, dumbfounded, and grabbed a glass of champagne. The cool glass helped him calm a down, the blood pumping through his body slowing as he took a refreshing sip of the bitter liquid.

“Mr. Jung.” Himchan turned to face Daehyun, who had silently followed Yongguk through his delirious march towards the refreshments.

“Glad to see you could make it.”

“Of course.”

“Mr. Bang? Did I say something to upset you?” Daehyun’s eyebrows came together in an expression that mocked compassion.

“No.” Yongguk replied flatly, his insides seething. His raised his glass to show Daehyun why he had walked away earlier. “I need to go. My wife is home by herself and she’s not feeling well.”

“Oh we wouldn’t want anything to happen, now would we?” Daehyun smirked. “It’s such a pity. Mr. Kim just got here.”

“Pity.” Yongguk spat.  Himchan’s eyes flashed in confusion, but his body remained rigid. A strand of black hair fell in his eyes, and Yongguk resisted the urge to gently brush it away.  He inhaled deeply, feeling his lungs fill with air.  He looked steadily at Himchan.  “Please tell Lord Choi I had to leave early.”

“You can count on me.” Daehyun laughed lightly, enjoying the awful twist of irony that soaked his words.

He broke eye contact with Himchan, refusing to watch as his lover’s eyes shattered in millions of pieces. Himchan was sinking deeper into the dark pit of confusion that seemed to swallow everything he had ever known. Yongguk’s sudden shift in attitude made his heart tilt with guilt and pain.  But he couldn’t show it. Not here.

*

Yongguk ran his hand over the grey bricks that layered each building, feeling the cool and rough texture against his palms. He wanted to rid the feeling of smooth warmth he felt with Himchan, but it seemed as if the texture of his lover’s skin was permanently engrained his memory. Yongguk sighed as he approached the familiar hotel. His own feet had betrayed him. The warm glow and familiar banter made Yongguk want to run inside, and inhale the scents that were so comforting to him. But Yongguk ‘s mind poisoned him. He constantly doubted his heart, ignoring the screams that came as heavy thumps against his ribcage whenever the mere thought of Himchan crossed his mind.

This was, after all, where Yongguk had left his heart. Yongguk couldn’t be sure anymore, to leave his heart with Himchan was a dangerous move. He trusted his lover so openly. He had shared his biggest fears with his lover, he had shared his the most intimate corners of his mind, his body, and Yongguk couldn’t be sure anymore if Himchan was guarding them safely. He couldn’t be sure if he was exposing himself for Himchan to steal and present to Daehyun. He couldn’t be sure that Himchan was not betraying his trust, doing a job.

Yongguk laughed at the last thought. What would hurt the most was if Himchan had never really cared. That behind the soft caresses and sweet words lay a bigger motive, one more powerful than love.

Yongguk had no doubt Himchan was a good liar.  Yongguk was a good liar too. After all, they had been keeping this affair behind closed doors for two months. But Yongguk had never checked to make sure that the windows weren’t open either. He silently cursed at himself for falling so madly in love with a man he had only known for so long.

Room fifty-one was empty and dark. Yongguk didn’t turn on the lights; he knew it was practically useless. He approached the bed cautiously.  The small brown cot had been made perfectly, a sight Yongguk wasn’t used to seeing. His eyes roamed around the dark room, adjusting to make out the outlines of the bit of furniture in Himchan’s room. A small, rectangular shape caught Yongguk’s eyes. He silently walked up and knocked on its side. The pocked texture and leather strap down its middle indicated to Yongguk that this was Himchan’s suitcase. The same one he was used to seeing open; its contents spilled out like a crime scene all over Himchan’s floor.

Yongguk bit the inside of his cheek. His eyes stung as he realized that Himchan would be leaving most likely tomorrow for Créon again.

The sudden flicker of the bulb to life, made Yongguk gasp in surprise.

“Yongguk…” Himchan spoke. “What is going on?” He stood in the doorway, his features creased with emotion.

“I shouldn’t be here.” Yongguk huffed.

“Please Yongguk.” Himchan blocked Yongguk’s path, inhaling loudly as he felt Yongguk’s body thud gently into his.

“Let me go.”

“Tell me what’s going on.” Himchan insisted.

“I’m losing this case Himchan and-“ Yongguk frowned and restrained himself from speaking any further. He didn’t want to admit how much it would hurt if Himchan actually was betraying him.

Himchan sighed. Yongguk knew that the fact that he was losing the case wasn’t Himchan’s fault; but the fact that his heart felt like its strings were being pulled all wrong, was. He didn’t want to express his doubts to his lover, though, for fear that they might be reality. And so from the gallows of heartache, he hung himself. Yongguk let the pain seep in deeply until his heart couldn’t feel anymore, but he didn’t need it. He would need his mind; he had long since ignored it, letting his heart speak in his actions, but it was only making him hurt more.

“I’m sorry, Yongguk.” Himchan’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry Yongguk. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t know what to and-“

Yongguk cut Himchan off with a kiss. It wasn’t deep or sweet, it was just surprising. Its lingering taste left Himchan’s eyes wide open.

“Don’t be sorry. This is my fault. I have to leave.” Yongguk struggled more against his lover, who wasn’t letting him pass.

“I’ll write to you. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Yongguk.” Himchan’s voice trembled, as a leaf in the wind would. “Yongguk please. I don’t know what’s wrong, but we can work this out. Please.”

Yongguk raised his eyes to Himchan’s. He couldn’t see what sorts of emotions lay in them, as they were blurred by tears. The older just nodded, his lips drawn together in a tight line.

“I’ll wait for you letters.” He whispered. Although he wasn’t entirely sure he would.

Yongguk pushed past Himchan, who didn’t put up a fight, his body limply staggered backwards as he let Yongguk walk past him.

“I love you.” His sandpaper voice filled the tiny, dimly lit hallway of the cheap hotel as he watched his lover walk away, head hung low, hands clutching his heart.