Waking up I felt disoriented and dizzy, but I sat up and rubbed my eyes sleepily. It was Sunday, and my day off, so there was no reason why I should be awake this early. I looked around to find the reason for my rude awakening and realised the source of my discomfort was the little, white phone lying next to my bed. Yawning and stretching I decided to get out of bed – I wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep anyway, as I never do. I grabbed the phone and brought it with me to the bathroom, and while receiving the sweet relief of the fresh morning pee I checked my phone. One new text message from Luhan.
“Chanyeol and Sehun decided to start making coffee from Thursday on, so what do you want to do? Should we have a meal together? I’ll cook~~”
My heart sank deeper and deeper with every word. Now what? Now what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just leave him, he needed to find something to do so that Chanyeol and the boy could practise without finding out that Luhan lived there. I put the phone in my pocket and washed my hands, thinking of a possible solution to my problem. The morning air was chilly, and it was reflected in my apartment. I pulled off my clothes from yesterday and took a quick shower before I ran back into my apartment while still drying myself off and found a pair of comfortable sweatpants, a t-shirt and a large hoodie and hurriedly put them on. Finally wearing some warm, comfortable clothes I waddled over to the kitchen while drying my hair with the towel and opened the fridge. I found eggs, cheese and ham, mixed them together and put the mix in the pan to make an omelette while I cooked some rice. After cleaning up all the dishes I got some kimchi from the fridge and sat down to put some socks on and eat my breakfast. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always liked waiting to put my socks on until I’ve worn my other clothes ‘til they feel comfortable, and if it’s the morning then I almost always like to make breakfast before I put them on. It’s a weird habit, and I can’t think of where I picked it up, but nowadays if I don’t follow this routine I feel a little uncomfortable. I finish up eating quickly, and immediately clean the dishes I’ve used, before I turn around and lean against the counter and look around. Nothing looks dirty anywhere, but it’s a bit messy I realise – clothes everywhere, bags thrown in corners and I need to change the bed spread. Cleaning up has always felt tedious to me, as long as it is clean then I don’t see a problem with a little mess here and there, but from time to time I can appreciate the sight of a tidy, orderly room. I quickly fold all my clean clothes in piles and put them on top of my bookshelves, as they double as my wardrobe for now, put on clean sheets on the bed, then shove all the laundry down in a bag and head down to the basement with the laundromats. It’s not until I get back up and pick up my phone to check the time that I remember the text and frustration wells over me. I plop down on the bed and comb my fingers through my hair, leaving my arm to rest on the pillow, above my head. What was it that Chanyeol had said again? “It’s the way he is always on my mind, not in the sense that I’m always thinking of him but in the sense that whenever something happens – good or bad – he is the first person I want to tell.” I sigh. Yup, pretty much. What else? “It’s the way that I want my sweaters to smell like him, and the way I can feel his fingers in between mine even when I’ve never held his hand. It’s how I can close my eyes and see his face in perfect detail, and how I want to know every single little detail about him.” Let’s see… Closing my eyes, I don’t even have to concentrate, everything is there already. What else was there? Hands? Yeah, maybe. I rub my hand and realise how lonely the spaces between my fingers seem. Smell? Not sure about that one. Know all the details? I guess I can’t deny that either. Actually, now that I’m being honest about it, everything about him intrigues me intensely and I can’t seem to let anything go. Whatever I learn about him I seem to automatically plot down in a mental registry and whenever something relevant comes up little, red lamps start blinking in my head to make me aware of the connection. And I want to know all the things Chanyeol said he wanted to know. What was up with those scars? I roll over on my side, tucking my hand under my cheek. “It’s the taste of his name on my lips.” I close my eyes and breathe it out for a small taste.
“Luhan…”
I wonder if he tastes anything like his name. Oh, I was not prepared for this.

---

I wake up a few hours later, feeling light and weird. I sit up in my bed and clench my fist against my chest. Do I feel so different, just by realising? Is this what Chanyeol had talked about? He didn’t know but then he realised? I can feel my heard beating inside me; there was no change in pace or rhythm, but somehow it felt as if the beat is stronger. Was this me coming to life? Would I finally bloom like everyone else? I had always been dead, withered and gone, and recently I had realised that there were some changes to me. I thought it was because I was finally getting friends, I was doing normal things, and I knew that was because of Luhan – but I thought it was because he was my best friend. My stomach still tickled at the thought of him being my best friend, but this time I realised that maybe the tickling was from me being in love, and not just because I was happy to have someone to call my best friend. Maybe, if it was Jongdae who had called me his best friend, then I would have just felt happy and proud, but because it was Luhan I felt tingly instead. Did I really like him like that? Chanyeol had said it would feel different for everyone, so why was it that I found myself using his scale to measure my own feelings by? I flopped back down on my bed. I didn’t feel right with dismissing the idea entirely either. I sighed again, and rolled myself over and got out of bed. I had a feeling I would be sighing a lot from now on. Getting out of bed I put on shoes and went down to the basement to retrieve my laundry again, contemplating this new fate I seem to have encountered. While I’m hanging up my clothes on the lines I’ve hung up under the ceiling in my bathroom I’m startled by another text.
“There’s a match on Saturday too! Want to watch it together~~?” I’m about to put my phone away again as I’m struck by guilt. Why am I taking it out on him? He called me his best friend, he trusts me and relies on me, and here I go avoiding him just because I think I may like him a little more than he likes me – but that’s not his fault, and he shouldn’t be punished for something he cannot control. It’s not his fault that he is so good looking, and it’s not his fault that he apparently seems to be my type and it’s not his fault that I fell in love with him. He doesn’t even know! To him I’m still Kim Minseok, his best friend, colleague, and trainer, and it’s not fair to him to treat him this way. I kick myself in the shin and decide to act like the man I am. Or at least always has been.
“Ah, sorry for not replying sooner Lulu~! There’s a match? Who is playing? Of course we should watch it! I’ll be looking forward to your delicious cooking (I haven’t forgotten that soup)!” I really just have to face him, I can’t hide forever.
“,” I mumble to myself as I finish hanging up the laundry. “I was really not prepared for this.

---

On Monday Joonmyun boss finally returned to us, but we had little time to chit chat or catch up, as suddenly we had a crazy amount of customers and the whole day went by very quickly, and by the end of it we were all so tired that we barely managed to stand – let alone keep a conversation. Sehun, who didn’t join until late in the day, because of school, updated the boss on his position, the arrangements we were going to make, his progress and how he felt about the job before he left. As usual, Chanyeol always hid away in the backroom until Sehun had left, so they didn’t have to walk together as they lived in the same direction. Tuesday however was more evenly paced and we had time to relax in between customers and chores.
“Minseok and Luhan, do you have time for me?” Joonmyun appeared in the door to his office, struggling with a messy pile of papers. Both of us quickly left our positions and joined him in his office, sitting on each our chair in front of the desk.
“I’ll be travelling a little more from now on,” he announced.
“Which means I will need help with the papers and money here at the café while I’m gone. I’d have to promote someone to officially do it, which will also increase this persons pay a little, and I thought that you Minseok is the one who actually need the job the most, and as I’m already trusting you with a lot here, I should ask you first. Would you be interested in positions as assistant manager?” We both turned to look at each other, but I quickly turned back to the boss as I realised my mistake.
“Really? Are you sure?” I couldn’t help but question my luck.
“Do you really mean it?” Luhan sounded more eager than I had expected.
“Yes, I’m sure, and I really mean it. Does this mean you will take the offer?” He couldn’t help but smile a little, knowing fully well that we both would happily accept just about any task he would lay upon us – we both owed him a lot, and I also benefited from this deal.
“Good, good,” he hummed as we both nodded enthusiastically and watched as he printed out my new contract and handed it over to me for me to sign.
“You’ll mainly be handling the bills and counting the money, as well as keeping track of and organising the archives. If there are any inquiries made in terms of extra costs, or other administrative tasks, you are to e-mail or call me and I’ll make the official decision – but you may have to execute whatever plan is made. Do you think you can handle this?”
“Sure, absolutely, no problem Sir!” I couldn’t do much else but stare at the paper in front of me.
“But why did you call me here,” Luhan questioned puzzled.
“Just because of the time management. Minseok will have to work late after the café is closed, and I mainly just wanted to inform you without alerting the others of why. If they ask why you had to come too, we’ll just say it was to inform you that you have to be more independent now, as Minseok – even though he is still training you – will have other tasks and more responsibility to handle. I figured since you seem to be close that it won’t be much of a problem if he is here after hours, right?”
“Ah, that won’t be a problem at all boss,” Luhan replied with a smile. “Speak for yourself,” I thought, but smiled too in agreement with his words.
“Great,” he exclaimed. “Then how about we take a short tutorial tomorrow after work? I’ll walk you through the tasks and the system and all the things you need to know.” I agreed and shook his hand before Luhan and I re-entered the café. I went straight to the back room to put my copy of my new contract in my jacket so I wouldn’t forget it, and when I returned to the others they cheered and congratulated so loudly over my promotion, which Luhan had ratted me out on, that suddenly the whole café erupted in applause and congratulations from our customers as well. I bowed and smiled and thanked them diligently and sincerely before I returned to my post, still smiling like an idiot. Assistant manager… Wow. And just like that, my Tuesday went by at the speed of light, and I left work feeling new and fresh. Wednesday went by quietly, but I felt like it took forever – I was itching to learn my new tasks in my new job. As soon as the clock struck 8PM I shifted out of my apron and knocked on the office door.
“Ah, is it this late already? Please come in, hyung.” The last word must have been a slip of the tongue, I could hear him forgetting himself even through the door, but his face was well composed by the time I opened the door and entered. He quickly got up and directed me to sit down in the chair in front of the computer, and started showing me all the things I needed to know; there were several different systems I needed to go through on the computer, as well as paper bills I needed to go through on the desk. Everything was very organised and easy to understand, and the boss was really good at explaining things to me. I needed to pick up the post around the corner from the café and that should be the first thing I did after work every day, and the key to the mail box was placed under a book on the shelves behind the desk in the office, after that I had to go through whatever bills I found and pay or process them accordingly, before I e-mailed him the statistics from one of the programs each day. Finally I needed to go through whatever was left of the mail I’d picked up and see if anything was urgent or important. If it was I had to send him a new e-mail, if not then I would be done. After going through this, trying it out with the mail he’d already picked up today, he showed me the filing system and how the archives worked. When I had finished sorting all the papers I could sort anywhere, there was a small black box on the left side of the desk where I’d put remaining papers for the boss to look at when he came back, aand then I was done. Everything seemed simple enough, and he informed me that the next time he came back, providing there were no mistakes made, he’d add telephone duties to my worklist – but that would be a different procedure we’d have to go through then. I’d never thought I’d be so happy to do office work, but for some reason this promotion was increasing my mood so drastically that I didn’t even care I would have to spend so much time alone with Luhan – I even saw it as a bonus. After all, I still wasn’t sure of my feelings, and this could provide a great opportunity to figure them out. Joonmyun boss walked me to the door and the little way down the road while we were heading in the same direction, and as we were about to part ways he grabbed my arm.
“Hyung…” He couldn’t even look me straight in the eyes, he just stared at my chest with his head lowered.
“How are you doing now? Are you really doing this well? You seem so happy nowadays…” I smiled as warmly as I could and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m doing wonderful. Not fine, nor great, but amazing. I think I’m finally alive,” I said. He looked up in surprise.
“Really? You’re not making this up?”
“Not at all,” I confessed.
“I’m a little confused, but things are amazing. I have some great friends and dongsaengs and with a little help from a Chinese guy I think I’ve finally realised this.” The relief in his eyes was to obvious, and it pained me to know that he must have been so worried about me that he couldn’t even hide how relieved he was right now.
“How about you? Why are you travelling again?” He refused to look at me again, and he was struggling with finding the words to explain.
“Joonmyun-ah, look at me. Are you searching again? Are you still looking for her?”
“Hyung, I-…”
“No, listen. I understand. I don’t want you to keep looking, but I understand. It’s okay. You don’t have to. I’m good now, and there is no reason to… Please. Forget it, okay? We need you here. I need you here. Don’t strain yourself like this. Please. Take care of yourself. Let your worries go. You know I’m doing fine, right?” His lip started trembling and his eyes watered, but somehow his voice was still in control.
“…It’s not just for you, you know.” His words were soft and painful.
“I know. I understand. Be careful, okay? And call me. You will call me, right?”
“I will, hyung. I will. Okay?”
“Okay.” I couldn’t really say anything else. So I just let him go. I didn’t watch him, I turned my back and started walking towards my own apartment instead, and decided to forget all about what just happened. I needed to pretend I didn’t know. I was for my own best. And his too.

---

“Uhm, Chanyeol-ah?” He turned around with a smile.
“When will you… Ehrm… Have your private lesson today?” His smile faltered a little, but his mood remained. If I hadn’t know any better, I’d say he was actually looking forward to spending some time alone with the kid today.
“Ah, we’re meeting up here at 9, because Sehun needs to be home for dinner – it’s one of his ‘I’m not a troublemaker anymore’ conditions – but he’ll be back here afterwards. Why?”
“Ah, no – nothing then. I just had some things to fix after work, but I’ll be gone long before you get back then.”
“Aaaaaaah,” he nodded in understanding and beamed his full teeth smile at me.
“So, how are you doing? Are you ready for this?” His expression turned a little contemplative.
“About as ready as I think I can get,” he said while chewing his bottom lip.
“I’m still a little anxious, but I think I can do it.”
“Well that’s good. If there is anything, or you need any help, you can talk to me you know – right?”
“Yes I know, I know. But no offence hyung, how can someone who has never even been in love help me with this problem?” I froze for a moment, partly because he was right and partly because he might not be right about the ‘never been in love’ part after all.
“You’re right of course. But you can talk to me and I’ll listen. Even if I can’t help or come with advice, having someone to talk to might help too. Though on that note, I think maybe Jongdae would like to be the one you came to with these things.”
“You do?” He looked at me quizzically.
“He has… expressed some interest in your situation. I think he’d like it if you trusted him with your feelings. He’s your best friend, right?” A small smile appeared on his face.
“Yeah, he is. Has he really talked about it, hyung? He doesn’t mind?”
“Pretty much the opposite, from what I can gather,” I replied before I turned to face a new customer, and while taking her order I heard Chanyeol sing to himself while making the coffee he was so good at.
            The hours passed by at a comfortable speed today, and we finished up cleaning and closing even before 8 o’clock. I followed the others down to the mail box, said good night and went back to the café and locked the door. The café was silent and the office was comfortable, there were only a few letters, and so it didn’t take me long to finish for the day and even double check that I’d done everything correct. As I was about to leave I almost crashed with Luhan in the doorway, as he appeared with a small, homemade cake on a tray, with “Congrats” written over it in a neat handwriting.
“What’s this?” My eyes met his, and I noticed his cheeks were tinted pink.
“Uhm, I just… Congratulations,” he said and handed me the cake.
“I just wanted to congratulate you on your promotion.”
“What, really? You made this??” I couldn’t believe he’d done that for me.
“Yeah. I’m not sure what it tastes like though, so if it’s no good then you can just throw it out or something.”
“Are you kidding me?? Bring forks, my friend, let’s eat cake. I really don’t care what it tastes like, no one has ever made me a cake before so I’ll be sure to eat this no matter what!” Luhan froze a little in his tracks and turned to look at me sceptically – his mouth half open as if he wanted to say something, but it seemed he changed his mind and went to get forks diligently. I couldn’t be bothered to care what he had wanted to say, I was too busy being insanely happy. Not only did I have cake, but someone actually made me this cake themselves, and to top it all of – this someone was him of all people! When my snowtopped friend returned I quickly grabbed a fork and grabbed a piece of cake to taste. I don’t know what he was worried about, unless it was a possibility that I was too happy to notice any bad taste, because it tasted terrific.
“Oh my God, WOW, Lulu this is amazing,” I praised through a huge mouthful of cake. He followed my lead and grabbed a bite too, but tasted it more carefully before slowly nodding to himself.
“It’s not that bad,” he agreed, and sat down next to me so we could share the cake.
“Hey, so who’s playing on Saturday again? Was it ManU and Barca?” Trying to keep the mood light and hide my nervousness I started talking about the upcoming match.
“Yeah,” he nodded enthusiastically.
“Awesome! You’re a ManU fan, right?”
“Yeah,” he agreed again.
“But you’re not, right? Who will you be cheering for?” I stopped eating while I pondered, then replied after swallowing.
“How about this; since you’re cheering for ManU, then I’ll cheer for Barca and whoever cheers for the losing team has to grant the other a wish?”
“A bet?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’m in.” A huge, malicious grin spread over his face.
“Oh, you’re that confident you’ll win?” I mocked at his expression.
“Of course! ManU is the best team!” he replied matter-of-factly.
“Fool! Barcelona is way better! I’m sure I’ll win!” I’m really glad we were already best friends, so that we could have this sort of conversation despite how awkward I felt around him. I really appreciated a friend like this, and the fact that he made me a cake really touched my heart. We finished eating while joking about the game on Saturday, before Luhan went to the kitchen and did the dishes while I tidied and turned off the computer and lights in the office. As I finished we almost crashed on the doorway again, but to my surprise Luhan slowly fell into where he would have crashed, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“I’m not sure anyone has said this to you,” he said and lowered his head a little.
“But I’m proud of you.” I’m not sure how he knew, but somehow this fellow knew that those were the exact words that I needed to hear the most. I didn’t even have time to think, my arms just wrapped themselves tightly around him on their own and I buried my face in his neck and all I could think was that I’d never felt this warm, but even so it felt very familiar. I’m not sure how long we stood there like that, but it must have been a while, because suddenly we were startled by the sound of keys being put in the lock to the main entrance door and we pulled apart.
“,” Luhan said. “Chanyeol and Sehun are here!”