The music was streaming pleasantly from the speakers and softly blending in with the customers’ conversation, making the Christmas atmosphere even cheerier and the feeling dig deeper into one’s sentimentality. The scent of cinnamon and oranges dominated the air in the café, our traditional black aprons were changed with green uniforms and red aprons, Chanyeol was wearing antlers and Luhan was currently sporting a very adorable, round, red foam ball on his nose. Christmas was close, Luhan and I had been a couple for months, Chanyeol and Sehun were as obnoxiously sweet and awkward as ever(and a little rowdy; more than once had I caught them making out in the changing room between customer rushes), and I was feeling optimistic as we still hadn’t had any sign of my boyfriend’s cousins. I was still expecting them to show up at some point, but right now I was just hoping for a peaceful Christmas and New Year’s, allowing me to spend some quality time with Luhan. As a couple, our relationship had slowly built steadier over the last few months, and for some reason I felt like I was falling harder in love by each day passing, my heart racing like crazy around him. And as lovers, although we’d become better at slowing down, we’d been continuing our exploration of what I liked to think of as the basic stages; kissing, touching, feeling, – and Luhan going down on me a few times… Trying not to think about what his mouth could do whenever we were talking, or whenever his mouth was moving or hanging open in general, was possibly one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Trying not to think about returning the favour was also becoming increasingly difficult, but every time I got close to doing it – every time I had the chance – I somehow always chickened out. Never in my life had I imagined I would spend my time procrastinating the work I love so I could imagine having a man’s in my mouth, but reality hit’s you like a from time to time to remind you that you’re never in control and you never know how things will turn out. All I could really do was to accept my fate, hope this relationship lasts, and find a way to finally get to at the very least get a taste of him before chickening out the next time. If he tastes anything like his mouth I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to let him go. But first I’d have to worry about finding the courage to even start; no matter how curious about it I was, no matter how ready, how interested, how curious about the taste of him, or curiosity about Luhan’s incredible fascination with doing it and wanting to find out what he enjoyed so much about giving, as well as giving him the pleasure of receiving, I still had no ing idea how to do it. Focusing on what Luhan was doing to copy him was out of the question, I stood no chance at even spelling my own name when he was at it; looking it up online felt shameful and weird and I didn’t know where to look or what to search for really, and I struggled to imagine exactly what to do with my teeth and tongue and how to control my breathing and how much I could handle taking in, and I really just didn’t know what to do or where to start. I was wondering if the best thing to do would be asking him to help me, all the while a little voice at the back of my head was telling me that I’d never learn anything unless I just tried.
“What are you thinking about so intensely?” Jongdae appeared by my side completely out of the blue, and keeping myself from honestly responding “ Luhan’s ” took effort.
“What to get Luhan for Christmas,” fell out of me instead, and I was happy my brain somehow had remembered this problem instead of spilling my own dirty minded procrastination.
“Ah, the ever mind-boggling couple puzzle; what to get the one you love the most,” he nodded understandingly.
“Have you found anything for Minnam-ssi?”
“Why would I get her anything,” he tried to question while blushing coyly, making me smile in amusement. He was so head over heels for this girl it made me happy to watch. Somehow the Black Pearl had turned into a lovers den, filled with overly happy, overly sappy, overly sweet and romantic and cute – and slightly erted – people in love. I nudged him jokingly and he showed me his tongue in return.
“How dare you,” I gasped in mock offence, and he just laughed in return.
“Yeah, alright, sure – I got her something. It’s something sentimental, something more like a memory than just a gift. What’re you going to do about Luhan? Any ideas for gifts?” I sighed heavily in defeat. Not only had the kid beat me in being a good boyfriend, I also had no idea how to fix this.
“Any tips?” I looked over at him hopefully, but to no avail.
“Well, not in terms of what to give him. But I’ve found through my years of experience in becoming an expert gift-giver,” he boasted – though he honestly had all reason to, his gifts were always brilliantly spot on.
“That being selfish is the best way to go about it. Not in terms of “I’ll give them something I want for myself,” but as in giving them something you want to see their reaction to receiving, something you will feel prideful in knowing that you were the one to give them that gift. Think about yourself; what would make you feel good when Luhan receives it? …On a side note, I’ve found it’s always helpful to get them something they actually want, too.” Well there goes the option – we still hadn’t figured out how to sort that one out after we first spoke of it. I laughed in response to his last comment and fell back into deep thoughts after thanking him for his input. He was right of course – I needed to get Luhan something I would want him to receive. My mind was buzzing with puzzles of how to find him something in time before Christmas, as well as figuring out how to solve all the related problems.
“There you are babe,” Luhan said as he handed me my jacket and re-adjusted his bag over his shoulders. I looked down at the clothing in my hands and realised I’d changed out of my work clothes and it was the end of our working day.
“It’s this late already?” I glanced over at the clock, suddenly realising I must have been completing my work without thinking. Worry washed over me as I thought of all the mistakes I must have made, and the fact that I had no memory of the last five hours made me really nervous.
“Yeah. You’ve been really distracted lately, are you okay?”
“Ah, yeah,” I mumbled and smiled, trying to wave it all away with my hand.
“Are you ready to go home?”
“Yeah,” I nodded and smiled, feeling my stomach catch on fire at how he just simply said ‘home’. I live with him, this glorious being that just so happens to be a man, and though it freaks me out to no extent, the amount of happiness he brings me, the excitement he fills my life with, and the love he makes me feel – a feeling I for certain was thinking I would never be able to feel – outweighed the stupid “but he’s a man and I don’t know how to do that” aspect of it all. We lived together and it brought me more happiness than I’d ever experienced before in my life. And now we were going home, and I got to hold his hand and feel his warmth as we walked side by side and I felt ridiculous and amazing and giddy. Every time our shoulders met my body jolted as though thousands of lightning storms hit my whole body and I felt tingly and electric and, as always, slightly .

---

Watching them walk side by side, smiling and holding hands made my stomach twist and turn. I sat perfectly still as I watched them walk down the street all the way down in the valley, my eyes fixed on them as they disappeared and re-appeared from behind the trees in front of me. It would soon be time to seek them out, but not yet. Until then, I would have to stay hidden – hiding from their eyes, and the eyes of strangers. Wouldn’t want anyone to spoil the surprise of the happy, little re-union I was planning, now would we?

---

I’d been watching him all day, but he’d not as much as glanced over at me – not even once. He just walked around, distractedly staring into the air and huffing and sighing, once in a while sporting a look of what I could only classify as depression. No matter what I said or did, he never engaged me in conversation, nor did he allow me to know what was bothering him. He’d been acting like this for a very long time now, and slowly I’d come to the realisation that maybe he didn’t let me know because it was all about me. It would make sense; he was so distracted and distant most of the time I was around, and I’d seen him engage more in conversations with Jongdae than with me – which is something you only do when you need help solving a problem. Whenever we held hands he would make sure to walk far away from me so we wouldn’t bump into each other, he hardly touched our dinners… and he never touched me. We were still just kissing and feeling and basically just messing around, and I had slowly realised that I was most definitely the problem. I’m not exactly sure what had changed, but thinking back it probably had something to do with allowing me to hear about his family, and now he couldn’t stand me – no touching, hardly talking, lots of sighing and huffing and distractedness, excusing himself for long walks often, not even trying to advance to another stage ually… Well, the latter could be attributed to our first, and only, conversation regarding the topic, where it had become clear that we both thought we would be the top – which obviously does not work. Well, not unless we started seeing someone else. I felt my heart fracture slightly as I walked by his side, holding his hand and feeling him jump away from me every time our shoulders touched, knowing he was probably thinking about seeing someone else who would let him top. The truth was that I loved him. I really, really loved him. Whenever I saw him if felt as though the universe scooped out everything that was inside of me and filled me up like a balloon with space and star matter and black holes and tingly, sparkly things with sharp edges that scraped me up and tickled at the same time, and my hear started beating really strongly, and it felt as though my skin was melting from the inside, pouring into the space galaxy thing that existed inside me, making me feel warm and happy and a little bit sad. I couldn’t let him go. Understanding that he probably had figured out he wasn’t gay after all, that everything with me had just been a fling, and that he didn’t feel the same anymore, I could do nothing but selfishly hold on to what I wanted. I belonged with him no matter what he thought, and I had given this too much to give up now. So I did my very best to be a good boyfriend; I cooked and cleaned, I asked and doted, I kissed and pleased, I held his hand during the day and hugged him close during the night – because my heart could not stand the thought of having to let go of him just yet. He was mine and I was his and that was how I wanted it to be. I even contemplated from time to time to let him me, just so maybe he would stay with me for a little while longer, but then I always remembered how it was with Yifan and I found I didn’t have the courage anymore. So instead I just kept blowing him, and though I felt pathetic for resorting to such measures I still enjoyed myself. In fact, these days, this was about the only truly enjoyable thing between us – he loved having his , despite how manly I am, and I loved his . He was perfection itself, and just one look at his body had me ready to get going and I couldn’t help myself from grabbing on to him and gaping for him time after time. Firstly, he tasted like heaven, but secondly he made noises I’d never thought I’d ever be able to hear, and thirdly his face was so incredibly astounding even when he was trashing about. His eyes rolled and his mouth formed silent, and not so silent, O’s and his hips came chasing up and he let go of any constrictions he usually had, and I couldn’t help but imagine how he would look if I was ramming my up inside him instead. When I’d been with Yifan there had been none of these feelings, just a lot of feelings that needed to get out, and a deep desire to explore and understand more and so we had tried just about anything and everything we could think of doing – some things staining my memory with embarrassment and shame, others making me rock-hard and ready as the images filled my head. In experimenting we had always made sure to mix it up a bit in regards to who would be bottom and who would be top and though it hadn’t felt horrible I never felt quite secure or willing when being the bottom – in a sense I lacked some of the control and comfort I needed to feel in order to enjoy the experience fully. Being outside of control had at other times felt very good, so it wasn’t an issue of dominance, I could be quite submissive, but just… It hadn’t felt right when he hammered up inside me. At best it sometimes worked to release some pent up emotions, but there was no pleasure in it. And I lived for the pleasure of . There was really no point for me if there was no pleasure. And yet I didn’t think I would feel comfortable enough to let Minseok get his will, no matter how hot or loving he was. Or had been. But I still couldn’t get myself to let him go, and so despite being sad he was thinking of a way to let me go I was still happy he hadn’t done so yet. Especially because Christmas was coming up soon

---

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Luhan looked over at me from across the table and I zoned in as I looked down at my full plate.
“Nah, I’m sorry Lu~ It seems I’m not that hungry tonight,” I smiled and excused myself for the toilet as he sent me a strange look. I locked the door, the water and sat down on the toilet. Christmas was one week away and I still had no idea what to get my boyfriend, the one I love more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, more than I ever thought I would be able to – and there was nothing I could get him which would ever convey that. And in addition to that I found myself struggling to be around him. I was constantly thinking of sleeping with him, one way or the other, imagining the things he could do to me, and imagining the things I could do to him – were I ever so lucky to gain the courage to try. But every time I wanted to try, it was as if my whole body just shut down and I panicked and instead of doing what I was thinking I excused myself for a long walk, one which was spent mentally kicking myself for pushing my boyfriend away rather than mounting him – which was what I really wanted to do. And I felt to embarrassed around him that I couldn’t help continue avoiding him, which resulted in more long walks and mental beatings and it really was a vicious, evil circle that I had no way of getting out of. I picked up my phone as I for the umpteenth time this week found myself walking around in the tiny city late at night, avoiding what I wanted to do because I was too ing scared, and called Jongdae.
“Kay-kay-kay-KIM! JONG! DAE! ‘Dis rappin lil bish not be answerin’ yo naggin’ so yous just leave yo naggin aftah da beep, motha-…OUCH! Mom, kidding, I’m kidding. Mom, what are you-..? *smack* MOM! I’M RECORDING MY MESSAGE FOR MY ANSWERING MACHINE! MOOOM! I SWEAR! MOOOOM!! *beep*” I hung up confused and amused. Now who could I call to ask for help? I stared helplessly at my phone, as if some fairy-godmother number would magically appear, staring until I realised that the only fairy here is me, and I’m definitely not making the magic happen. I sighed as I stepped into a side street I’d never been to before and began browsing the shops to distract my mind. Most of it was rubbish stores with ridiculous stuff you’ll never need but one shop even had surprisingly nice traditional Korean things which I took my time browsing before finally deciding to buy some modern aprons fashioned after traditional hanboks – one for Luhan and one for me. I decided to continue walking down the same street despite only finding closed stores, just to give myself some more time to think. I was completely emerged in my own thoughts as I’d been walking for about fifteen minutes down the street I thought would never end, when music caught my attention. Somewhere in the distance someone was playing Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake” and for some reason this really intrigued me this night. I followed sound as I continued down the darkening path and to my surprise I ended up at a small silk shop.
“Hello?” I pushed apart the plastic covers and entered, only to be greeted by an old man dressed in a Chinese tang suite, bowing at me and welcoming me in a broken Korean accent. The shop was tidy, yet over-filled with different types of silk products – all with different Chinese themes to motives or makings.
“I make, I make,” the old man proudly explains as he gestures around the shop with a kind smile.
“Wait, you make these??” I look around again, really taking in all the stuff with all their intricate woven prints and all the different products before I return my gaze to him, only to find him nodding at me. I walk over to a section with different Qi Paos and let my hand glide over them. The fabric feels strong and soft, and looking at them up close I’m even more impressed by the old man’s skills. I can’t believe such a beautiful store would be hidden away like this!
“Beautiful, yes,” the old man states in a slightly questioning manner, and I can only nod in return.
“Maybe buy for girlfriend, yes?” I stop dead in my tracks.
“Ah, I don’t have a girlfriend,” I try to excuse myself with, honestly and apologetic. The old man looks at me strangely.
“If no girlfriend, then what this,” he asks and points to his neck, implying I have something on mine. Confused I lean a little over to my left so I can spot myself in the mirror next to the beautiful dresses, and realise gramps is referring to the hickeys that are covering every inch of free skin. Oh. I’m not really sure how to handle this, so I just decide to be honest – worst case scenario he’ll kick me out of his shop.
“Ah, that. That’s not from a girlfriend. It’s from a boyfriend, actually.” I try my best to smile, despite feeling nervous about admitting to my sinful relation.
“I see,” another man says as he emerges from a room hidden behind a rack of silk robes.
“Then how about some of these,” he asks and gestures in the direction of a grand table filled to the brim with hundreds of different silk ties decoratively displayed over the beautiful five storey table top. This man is about as old as the other, and is also fashioning a slight accent, and he walks over to the first old man and grabs his hand with his, before they turn to me and smile. Relief flushes though my body, and it must be evident because they both start laughing at my reaction, and I nod before I walk over to the table with the ties. And as I’m staring I quickly spot five ties which would suite Luhan incredibly well, and an idea starts forming in my head. I quickly pick out the ones I want and pay at the counter, grinning widely at the old couple behind it, and feel a sort of lightness spread through my stomach and throughout my whole body. I wasn't really sure it was the best gift in the world, but I was certain it was the best I could give. For Christmas he would receive my unconditional love, and for once I was going to show him how sincerely I really wanted him. All of him.