As he was lying next to me, I found myself holding my breath while his words were still ringing in my head. The temptation was too big. I didn’t know how to hold it inside anymore, how to control this. I wanted to let it all out; every thought, every smile, every skipped heartbeat, every feeling I had had ever since we first met. I wanted to let him know of how I had stared at him even before we knew each other, how I had wanted to just be his friend – even if I wanted more, my wish had been to become his friend. Instead of hours it took me weeks to read books, because I always found myself staring at him, skipping words and sentences and pages in the book, so I always had to go back and read them again. I felt like touching him. Again. I always feel like touching him, but this time the feeling was so overpowering… An uneasy, nervous feeling rose inside me as I began to panic, realising that maybe I wouldn’t be able to hold it in anymore. That maybe this time would be the time I finally said the things I feared would chase him away. Usually I would just hug him, but as we were lying on the bed, that would be more awkward than just revealing my true feelings. So instead, I settled for reaching for his hand and placing mine in it. Dear God he felt good just to hold hands with. Every ounce of me was tense in anticipation, and I just knew I would regret this, but as his soft hand accepted mine I felt the last bit of resistance melt away.
“You really wished for me to say yes,” I asked, and held my breath.
“Mhm,” he said and nodded next to me.
“You understand why I can’t though, right?” Ah, there it was. My built in self-defence mechanism which prevents me from screwing up and pulling others down with me. If they knew what he meant to me… I don’t know if I could live with that.
“I don’t understand why you can’t. But I understand that you can’t and that it has something to do with me and you and your trouble with your family. So I guess it’s okay.” His hand squeezed mine softly.
“Wouldn’t you just want me for the food anyway?” That’s it. Stick with the defence mechanism. There is no need to reveal anything.
“Of course not,” he whispered, and I couldn’t breathe. No matter how I twisted it in my mind, it still sounded like pain to me. “Don’t do it,” I chanted to myself. “Don’t put yourself through this!” But no matter how painful the rejection would be, I was bursting. I had patched myself up as well as I could, but the seams were coming undone. I’d never been good with needles anyway.
“Give me one good reason to move in with you,” I whispered back. “And make it a good one,” I added mentally, hoping so badly that he would come up with an excuse for me, and I felt my thumb moving on its own, lovingly over the back of his delicate hand. “Because I need you?” I felt my heart sink in slow disappointment, and I wished I could cry.
“That’s not a reason, that’s an excuse,” I replied, and the room fell silent.
“Because you were right,” he said, his voice shaking, breaking the long silence.
“About what,” I asked, racking my brain for possible things he could be talking about.
“Mr. Right appeared,” he said.
“Oh.” Wait, what was he saying now? Who did he mean? My brain was spinning in circles and I felt nauseous thinking about him and the man he had fallen for, when he, out of nowhere, moved around, leaned down and kissed me. At first it was him softly placing his lips on mine, but within seconds he suddenly applied more pressure and I felt my head pressing slightly down into the mattress, when his lips moved against mine. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t think straight, I was so shocked and happy and surprised and scared and all other feelings at the same time. I don’t know how long I took, but as his lips were moving on mine, my hand cupped his cheek before it moved forward and my fingers got braided in his hair. I felt his surprise at my actions, but he grew more confident with it, and pressed himself against me – a habit of his I loved so much already, I couldn’t help myself; I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. Oh my God, this felt incredible, I had wanted this so much, for so long, thinking I could never have it, and here he was, making the first move. And as his tongue entered my mouth I sighed into his, in a weird relief of having it there. I guess I had imagined it so often that finally tasting it felt more comfortable and familiar to me than the loneliness of my own tongue. I kept my fingers in his hair, letting one hand trace down over his body, exploring him while his mouth was busy exploring mine. His hands found their way across my body, and pretty soon his leg followed. He broke the kiss, and all I could focus on was his heavy panting as he let his leg slide over my body and he adjusted himself on top of me, before reattaching himself  to me, and I welcomed every moment of contact I could have. I felt a desperate need inside me, a desire to have him in my mouth, to drink in his heavenly tongue, to drown in his sweet taste, and as my greed for his mouth grew he began rocking back and forth on top of me, resulting in me letting out a low moan – but to my pleasant yet frustrating surprise, that didn’t stop him. Jesus, how did he expect me not to get hard from this? I had to tense every muscle in my body in order to remain as much in control as I could, refusing my urge to rock my hips up against him. His hands were all over me now, everywhere but the tense area below him, and I wasn’t sure if I was happy about it or not. But his hands wouldn’t stay still, and I found it both adorable and confusing, as it made me unsure of what he really wanted. I rested my hands on his thighs, refusing the temptation to them and make him as tense as me, when his hands wrapped around my neck and he came down closer, pressing himself against me. My hands, only barely avoiding the temptation to slide over his , wrapped around his body and pressed him tightly against me, and I let myself focus on the kissing – how his tongue so roughly and desperate was rubbing deliciously against mine, and enjoying the feeling of his mouth, exploring every part of it to discover where my tongue would fit and where he tasted the sweetest. He let out small moans as my tongue hit against his or his lips, and as we both gasped for air I was thoroughly convinced.
“Fine, I’ll stay,” I gulped through gasps of air, and as soon as the words left me his mouth was back on mine and I felt my head spinning as I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. I let my hands explore him a little too, but not too much, and not over sensitive areas, as I wanted to let him be in full control. Knowing Minseokie, he probably wouldn’t want to go as fast as I felt the need to right now. And by the sound of it, he had never done this with a man before – so with the first kiss would probably be a really bad time. I wanted him, but not at the expense of a possible relationship – however, images of me ing him kept flashing in my mind and it was difficult to control myself. I never knew I could be this . I always thought I was pretty calm, but right now I couldn’t stop thinking about it. ing him. Jesus Christ, how I wanted to him. I wanted to hear him moan and sight and scream and breathe as I ed him; from the top, from the bottom, sideways, on a table, against a wall, in a forest, at work, in a tent, at from behind – I wanted to pound him. Hard. I struggled not to laugh – I had wished to be his boyfriend, to hold his hand and to kiss him and hug him and wake up next to him for months on end, and now that I finally had a shot at that, all I could imagine was stuffing my inside him. Luckily, before I got carried away with my imagination, he broke us apart slowly, and adjusted himself on top of me again, staring down at me. And we stayed like that, in silence, for a very long time, and I allowed myself to stare at him – to drink in the sight of him, his hair ruffled, his lips red and sore and his eyes confused and his body uncertain. His mouth opened and closed several times, but he never said anything, and I used the time to calm down, rid myself of all my thoughts and fall back to where I had been before he kissed me. As my mind eased and was only slightly spinning from the heated session, it finally set in again; the feeling of having the world’s truly most gorgeous, handsome man close to me – on top of me even – the man I had dreamt of for better and for worse for a painfully long time now, and my heart skipped a few beats. Rather than , I felt myself fall back to the intense need to touch him, to be close to him. I let all my worries go for a while, and just enjoyed the moment I was having with him, the time I was with him, how I felt when I was with him. He suddenly shifted on top of me, leaning over as far as he could, stretching his arm and the lamp on his nightstand, causing me to blink a few times in adjustment to the light and I looked back up. He was staring back at me, our eyes linked as if there was some invisible force connecting us, his hair still pointing in all directions after my rustling through it, and his mouth slightly ajar. My hand sought its way to his face, and after cupping his cheek in it, my thumb traced over his features – the features of the face that frequented my dreams, which was present the second I closed my eyes, the face I stared at in admiration day in and day out and had wanted so desperately to put my own face upon. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to get to have him like this. Even in most of my dreams he rejected me, so the fact the he wasn’t running out of the apartment, fearing for his life after having kissed a man… I felt my heart swell with pride, knowing that he – this amazing man – wanted me enough to no be scared of his own or my feelings.
“I didn’t think you wanted to do that,” I finally said, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, well… I did.” His sharp, honest responses always surprised me a little. They were exactly his style, I knew that, but I was still taken a little aback whenever he did it. His style didn’t always match his looks, and I suppose that is what confuses me.
“I didn’t think you wanted to either,” he told me silently, and let his hand slide to the back of my neck, over my nape and playing with my hair.
“You didn’t,” I asked revealing my surprise. Even though I hadn’t actually said anything I had still been certain that he had caught on by now. The way I acted around him; how I always followed him, how I made him drinks and food, how I always cared for what he said, the way I found myself always touching him when I could, my constant hugging and annoying use of aegyo and nicknames with him… Surely, I thought, he must see through some of these signs. But apparently he hadn’t. His innocence was so adorable, I couldn’t help but want him closer – I wanted to hug him tightly too me, as if to reassure myself that he really was there and that he really was mine this time.
“I thought it was obvious,” I admitted and sat up, causing him to slide down from my stomach to my lap, and I wrapped my arms around him, making sure he wouldn’t fall off, and pulled him close to me.
“So… You like me,” he asked and placed his arms around my neck, waiting for my response. The question caught me a little off guard, but I realised I had yet to actually admit my feelings to him. Braising myself, as if I still felt like he would reject me, I breathed in, tilted my head a little downwards so I didn’t have to look directly at him, and as calmly as I could admitted the truth.
“I uh… I like you, yes.” Even I could tell how pathetic that sounded, and not at all romantic as I had wanted it to be when I first confessed my feelings to him. I’m not good with romance, even though I like it a lot, and with him I had begun feeling the desire to be romantic and a gentleman, but I was reduced to a sappy housewife or a funny friend whenever he was around, just dreaming up scenarios where I could do it all better and sweeter for him, the way he deserves.
“Then you’ll really stay,” he asked and cuddled closer to me. Again I felt surprised by his straight-forward attitude about things, and I lifted my gaze to meet his.
“Yes, I’ll stay.” It was still difficult to let that sink in; the fact that he had asked me to move in with him again, the fact that he really wanted me to, and the fact that I had finally let myself say yes.
“…If you really want me to,” I added, still a little unsure. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when he instead of responding sat mere centimetres from my face and smiled that annoyingly adorable, beautiful smile which always made it hard to breath, at me and then quickly kissed me and nuzzled close, his face against my neck, before he suddenly got up. I was still too taken aback by the smile to react, and I just barely heard him talk to me.
“You have promised me now, so no going back on your word,” he said over his shoulder as he disappeared out of the apartment and down the hallway. Somewhere inside me something was melting, and I felt something fill me up inside, though I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly it was, as I heard him skip further away and I vaguely recognised the faint sounds coming from his as being singing, too low and far away for me to really hear.

---

Waking up, I felt a little disoriented, but quickly remembered my encounter with my crush the night before. Fearing my crotch would tense up again, and feeling shameful at the memory of where my thoughts were, images still flashing vividly through my mind as I remember them, I crawl out of bed without a word and decide to just wash myself and get changed, keeping myself somewhat busy so I wouldn’t have the time to reminisce in the memories of last night. A part of me wanted to spend the morning kissing and hugging and holding, and probably ing, Minseok already, but I was still scared he would feel unsure about himself and us and his feelings, as he was new to this – not having been in love before, and definitely not with a man – and I didn’t want to ruin any chance I had at being with him. He, too, let me morning pass by in silence as we got changed, ate some breakfast and got ready to leave. Automatically I was about to reach for my bag, when I stopped myself mid-action; not only had he asked me to move in with him, and I had said yes, but even if he changed his mind about that, if I left the bag here I would have an excuse to come by and see him later. With him keeping a few steps ahead of me, but still not appearing nervous, or trying to run away from me, we walked in silence on our way to work, and I could feel my insides tickling with butterflies to the extent that it was making me sick. I kept wondering if anyone at work would notice or if we would be awkward, or if we’d ever talk again, and for a second I was tempted to grab his wrist, turn him around and pull him in to a hug. But I didn’t, and all too soon we were there. Instead of awkwardness or anything, we both put aside our personal affairs as best as we could, and went about the day as we normally do – change into uniform, start the machines, prepare food, put the chairs down, opening the doors and service our customers. When Chanyeol appeared he looked exhausted and he was acting grumpy and unfriendly, so I decided to leave him alone – he would be Jongdae’s business as he always was. Usually, however, Minseok would always talk to me, check in on my progress, quiz me on different tasks, or just smile and joke with me, but today he was keeping his distance. However, as usual I never managed to keep my eyes of the boy, and today I caught him staring at me about a billion times. And every time I did, I felt my heart skip a beat and my ears were filled with buzzing – I’m pretty sure I at some point began blushing when he looked at me. And with every time I caught him staring, I felt more and more confident that he did not regret last night’s encounter one bit. I was feeling happier and happier with every look, and by the time the clock showed two, there was so much happiness inside me that needed to get out, and I burst out laughing – an action which Minseok involuntarily mimicked. We laughed and laughed, and I felt tears well up in my eyes, and Minseok was clutching his stomach.
“Okay, so we need to get over ourselves,” I confirmed, watching as the boy my heart would not stand still for once again smiled at me and nodded, while he wiped away his tears.
“What’s so funny,” Jongdae questioned, peeking his head out through the kitchen door.
“Nothing,” we assured him, got up and went back to our duties. The mood brightened a bit, and I felt our chemistry going back to normal. The usual tickly sensation I had in my stomach whenever he was around appeared again, and things felt normal and I wanted to touch him again. “Tonight,” I thought to myself. “Tonight you’ll get to touch him again.” And so I didn’t, and just happily waited for the day to end so I could caress his face again and put my lips on his. Romantically this time, I decided. Like he deserves.

---

It felt like every little fibre inside me was being torn apart by their nerves. As if some mad scientist had found a way to pick up all my nerve endings, pull at them and tear me apart, string by string, until I was reduced to nothing but bones and internal organs. I felt like screaming, as if the whole of was on fire, but I shut my mouth and endured the pain, tears welling up in my eyes, as I saw them beating him… Kicking him… Hitting him… Punching and jabbing him, right outside the café. I couldn’t do anything but watch him through the windows; partly because of the pain, and partly because Jongdae was holding me back – apparently I had been heading out the door when they started and he had grabbed me and told me to wait. I don’t think it took very long, but it felt like an eternity as they kept going, beating him up and down, and I caught every moment as if it was all in slow motion. The rest of the world stopped around me and I ached to run outside and wrap myself around his crouching body, to protect him and take all the hits. The very second they were out of the way though, Jongdae couldn’t hold me back anymore, not could the pain inside. Every stride felt like tearing off my skin, but I kept running until I was there, until I was by him again.
“Are you okay? Oh my God. Minseok. You’re bleeding! How can I… How did they… Why?” Every time I started saying something, a painful lump in my throat caught my words and blocked their road, preventing them from coming out. I had been so happy just a few minutes ago, when he had pulled me in for a kiss, right in front of several people. He had argued with the couple, and he was really amazing and I felt my heart beat proudly at every word he said and he was standing next to me and I thought to myself that I only had to reach out my hand to touch him and support him and then he got annoyed with them.
“I’ve had enough of this,” he said angrily, grabbed my collar and pulled me down for a kiss. I had been so surprised, but not knowing what else to do, and really enjoying the kiss anyway, I complied and kissed him back, and they screamed and he screamed and then those boys showed up and now they’d turned him into a bloody punching bag because of that kiss. I felt shame and guilt wash over me as I thought about how I had enjoyed that moment, knowing now that it had led to something horrible happening. Suddenly I noticed an arm flailing about, and I realised Jongdae had helped him up, but he was losing his balance – I quickly jumped up and grabbed on to his arm, supporting him and helping him inside, slowly so he wouldn’t be in more pain than necessary. My brain was a mess, reduced to nothing more than porridge of brain matter and goo, and I didn’t catch anything that happened after we got him inside. I think I tried calling an ambulance, but Minseok reminded me that he has no insurance. At some point left the room and we were left alone for a short while. I tried my best to focus again.
“Shhhh,” he said, smiling up at me.
“What are you smiling at, you idiot? You’re hurt!” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, his smile growing wider and he began laughing a little.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I know, and it hurts like hell – really ing painful and all – but for some reason I can’t stop being amused by your reaction. For some reason I find it really adorable, and that must be so annoying to you too, but no matter how much I’m hurting – with you around I still can’t seem to stop smiling.” I didn’t know if I wanted to punch him or kiss him or hug him, or all at once. So instead I just stared at him for a second, before I gave up and slumped down on the floor beside him and sighed, thinking he was an idiot for reacting this way when I couldn’t stop worrying about him. He could be really hurt and we had no way of finding out, and yet all he did was smile and my hand.
“You think my worrying is cute,” I huffed, and I could feel a pout appear on my face, but I could do nothing to stop it.
“Actually I think your everything is cute. But this too, yeah. …, I really can’t stop smiling! What am I, brain damaged??” HOW CAN HE JOKE LIKE THAT??! I felt frustration fill me up, but as I eyes him from the corner of my eye, that beaming, loving smile of his melted away every feeling inside me and I had to resign. I leaned down and let my forehead rest on his knee in defeat.
“I’m still mad at you,” I whispered.
“Okay,” he replied and sounded happy and amused. Suddenly he let go of my hand and I lifted my head to see what was going on, only to realise Jongdae was back in the room. He said something more, but I couldn’t hear him, I was too busy being worried about Minseok and feeling a little disappointed that he apparently didn’t want people to know about us, to hear anything else. All that was going through my mind was all the possible injuries he could have; internal bleeding, fractured bones, broken milt… I barely registered Chanyeol and Sehun appearing, and only picked up a few words and sentences of Minseok’s speech to calm down Sehun – making sure the boy would not feel guilty about what had happened. I didn’t register much until there was a knock on the door and I turned to see a smiling, curly haired girl whom it took me a minute to recognise. But as soon as I did I felt some weight being lifted off my shoulders and I ran to the door to let her in.
“Minnam-ah,” Chanyeol exclaimed excitedly at the sight of her, and I mentally noted her name. Minnam-ssi, Chanyeol’s cousin and the girl Jongdae apparenty was dating, who just so happened to study medicine and was an intern at the surgery – whom would be able to help us check Minseok without having to involve health care and insurance and police and such. The second she stated that she couldn’t find anything wrong, it finally felt as if I could breathe again – even though she said she wanted to come back in a few days to confirm it, it still felt better now that she had assured me a little by not believing anything was wrong. My mind was still busy, and for the most part I kept quiet and let my mind work out its own problems without regards of the other. At some point I found myself eating a mocha but I couldn’t really figure out when I’ve gotten it or who had given it to me. Minseok was slowly getting more and more sleepy, his eye lids falling heavier and heavier – and of course he would be tired after all that had happened so far. Realising he was in no shape to take control anymore, I pulled Sehun aside and informed him of the arrangement Minseokie had made with the boss, gave him the key and allowed him to let Chanyeol stay just for tonight, but told him he would have to talk to one of the bosses about doing that again, before I picked up Minseok and carried him home under the excuse that I was the only one who knows where he lives. The young couple staying behind had no trouble accepting my excuse, but that might have been because they were too busy having to figure things out on their own, among themselves. After all, they had nearly broken up today, and Sehun would probably also feel guilty about the ginger boy in my arms. It wasn’t until we got back to the apartment and I had placed him in the bed that he began waking up a little. I kissed his lips lightly, making sure not to press to hard in case it would hurt, and slowly pulled his clothes off him, causing as little pain as possible, before I found a pair of pyjamas for him to wear and put them on him. All the while I couldn’t stop placing little, soft kisses on his sleepy, tired and bruised face. I left him for a second, which made him wake up more, and I got him painkillers and a glass of water and made him swallow them all.
“Are you comfortable,” I asked after tucking him in tightly, standing slightly bent over him feeling concerned and worrying if he’ll be in any pain during the night.
“Yes, I’m fine,” he smiled sluggishly, and I felt thankful he could still smile. With a concerned heart I sat down next to him on the bed, and let my thoughts flow out more freely.
“Can I say something bad,” I asked, and he turned his head sideways to look at me.
“Sure,” he said, yet he didn’t sound so sure.
“I just… You were really cool today.” Revealing my feelings to him felt nice and scary.
“What?”
“…The way you got angry with Chanyeol for letting go of Sehun, and with Sehun for giving up on Chanyeol… The things you said about being a family… About love being important… Even down to taking all those hits… I mean, I don’t EVER want you to do that again, don’t you dare do anything that stupid and let me know it because I won’t forgive you, but just… Just for today. You were really cool.” He freed his arm from the duvet trap I had tucked him into and he let his hand touch my face. All air escaped my lunges at the contact, and I could feel every movement lingering on my skin as he over it. His delicate hand, the palm resting against my cheek and his porcelain fingers over my face, felt soft and welcomed – as if it belonged there. I felt the need to hug him tightly again, but restrained myself knowing it would pain him.
“Thank you… And trust me, I’m never doing this again,” he said, and put on a show of sounds and expressions jokingly revealing how much pain he was in. He was unbelievably cute, and when it became unbearable I just let out a laugh and bent down and kissed his forehead. He stopped his joking as I turned around and grabbed his glass before I got up and left, leaving him with instructions to sleep. He tossed and turned for a little while, but slowly I hear his breathing become steadier and calmer and pretty soon he fell asleep while I was unpacking my things, finally moving in with him.

As what little things I had were neatly placed around the apartment, I sat down in a chair and looked over to the bed. He was almost completely wrapped in the covers, so I couldn’t see him at all, just his bulky figure under the duvet, and the slow rise and fall as he was breathing. I stretched my arms and legs and felt how tired I really was, but my heart wouldn’t rest just yet. I sat there, and let myself think again. How long did I really think this would last? It wouldn’t be long before they realised exactly what was going on, and when they did they would come and find me. And when they found me they would find him. I felt my stomach turn to ice at the thought of it. What I had seen today had only been a taste of what would come if they found out. This is why I had pretended like nothing, pretended like my heart didn’t beat faster around him, pretended I didn’t fantasise about holding him and kissing him and touching him and loving him… I had decided to hold all that in, to keep it inside, to hide it away, for it to remain a secret so that no one would ever find out. But then he just melted all that away, and I had given in – betrayed by my own heart, only to jeopardise his. But what was it that he had said when he was yelling at Chanyeol? “With everything you’ve got, grab on to every little piece of happiness you have within reach, and hold on like there is no tomorrow. Because there really might not be.” If he really meant those words, then maybe he would forgive me for what I was doing. Because I was doing exactly just that; grabbing on for dear life to any hope I have of happiness. I had never felt this way, and I had never thought I would feel this way, but after spending several years living in complete darkness I had found him, and his smile was my sun, and I didn’t want to let go of that just yet. I didn’t want to fall back into darkness. How much more pitiful life would be, losing your sight once you finally can see. My life had been nothing but running and hiding up until now, and I had felt cold and lost and alone. But then he appeared and suddenly my life had meaning again; as if my encounter with him shifted my whole existence and instead of hiding and pretending not to exist I was now living, and living only for him. I couldn’t give this up just yet. I would hold on and fight and do my best to protect him, because he was all that I had ever needed. I had never believed in fairy tales, but suddenly I found my knight in shining armour. But just like the fairy tales, the knight will have to battle evils to get to the princess. Or prince, in this case. Me, to be exact. How on earth was I going to explain all of this to him? I sighed, and felt frustration wash over me. I don’t know how I ended up here after all, when all I wanted was to avoid this. My heart was filled with every desire to be with him, but I had left out all intentions of going there, both because I sincerely didn’t think he wanted to and because I didn’t want to risk his life and well-being over some stupid feelings I had. But the second he showed me that he returned them, I lost all control, all will to leave him alone. Will my knight still stay when he meets the dragon he must slay?