I’m not sure what we’d reacted to the most; how she suddenly announced I would be living there, or how she had decided on us to be a couple, but the shock soon settled as we were shoved up the stairs and down the hallway, commanded to bring down and extra bed from the attic and to put on clean sheets on a duvet and pillow, and before long I was holding one of Yifan’s shirts in my hand as “something to sleep in”, standing in the middle of his bedroom, next to a spare bed which she had dubbed mine. I wanted to resist, I wanted to thank her but reject her kind offer and get the hell out of the warm, welcoming house, but before I could even take a step closer to the door I spotted my face in a mirror and found my feet glued to the ground. Slowly bruises were appearing, my hair was messy and I had never in my life seen anyone look as tired as I did right then. And it wasn’t until I saw myself that the exhaustion of the day set in, and I didn’t even have the will power to stand up straight – I just slowly sank down onto the bed, where I got out of my clothes while sitting and put on his shirt before I climbed in and let my head fall down to the cold pillow. I couldn’t even keep myself awake for long enough to hear Yifan entering the room again, I was long gone by then, happily recharging myself after being drained of all energy.
            I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had decided that I would leave the next day, but somehow that old lady managed to keep me busy helping out and doing things for several weeks until it was too late to reject and when I finally realised what had happened I was already living there as part of the family. But I found that living with the Wu family was really a pleasure and no matter what I always felt welcome and loved in that house. And I felt immensely grateful to grandma Wu who took me in like that, no questions asked, and gave me a home, food, clothes and always a warm embrace. Over the course of a few months, I realised that I hadn’t been wrong about me and Yifan – though I can honestly say we never really fell in love, we both liked each other a lot, and while living together, sharing a room in a home where we were accepted (and encouraged), we quickly became romantically involved. And then ually. Very ually. It was with him I discovered about myself and my own body, how I reacted, what I liked… He was new to it too, only having been in two previous relationships in Canada, so we found ourselves exploring together. I think that was what constituted our whole relationship really, because we never said things like “I love you” and I never felt butterflies, but I felt safe and comfortable and ready. And I needed someone to share those bonds with me despite the lack of love. We just sort of casually moved into a rhythm of a couple, and we continued to dance to that same tune until we were ready to move on. There was never any heart ache, never any tears or hurtful words, just a lot of gratefulness and smiles and precious memories. I think, honestly, the relationship we shared back then, was really what saved me from falling apart. Granny could have given me a million dollars and a mansion in Sicily, but without him there I would have broken into a million pieces. So I feel like I owe them both a lot.

---

“Luhan?” Minseok’s voice interrupted my story and I looked down at him.
“Yes?” He stared right in front of him while he nervously played with my fingers.
“I want to know the rest of your story, but there is something I’m so very curious about.”
“There is?”
“Yes,” he nodded eagerly, biting his lip. “But I don’t know when you’re going to mention it. If you’re going to at all. And, well… I don’t think I’m supposed to know about it.”
“…What do you mean?” We were both hesitating, and I felt a little confused.
“There’s just… A long time ago, I saw something. I didn’t mean to see it, it was on accident, I swear! But I saw it and… Well, I knew I probably wasn’t supposed to see it, so I pretended I didn’t.”
“Minseok, what are you talking about??” I straightened myself up a little and he sat up following me.
“I keep forgetting, but… You were scratching your hip unconsciously while talking and it reminded me…” He slowly moved his gaze to meet mine, checking to see if I understood what he meant. My eyes fell to my hand and I noticed I had stopped mid-motion, my fingers digging into my shirt and pressing against my skin where I had been scratching my scar.
“…When..?” I couldn’t even manage to get out more than that as I slowly began suspecting I knew what he was talking about.
“That night I spent at yours when you had your own apartment… You fell asleep on top of me, remember? And the next morning you showered and then I used the bathroom after you… I opened the door before you had put on a shirt, but I closed it quickly and pretended I hadn’t seen anything, hoping you hadn’t noticed me either,” he huffed and seemed relieved to finally tell me, but also really stressed about my reaction to him revealing that he knew. I inhaled deeply and sighed heavily before I fell back against the head board.
“Lie down again, will you,” I muttered and motioned for him to fall back into my arms. A little uncertain he followed my request and as my fingers found comfort inbetween his and my palm sought refuge in his soft hair I felt a little more content again.
“I didn’t want you to know, but now I’m glad you do. I didn’t know where to begin to explain that part, but since you’ve seen it I might as well tell you.” I closed my eyes and prayed to every deity I’d ever heard of, begging them to let me keep this one without scarring him or hurting him or making him run away.

---

Apart from getting involved in other’s business, for better or for worse, there was one thing my cousins had learned from their parents – and that was how to spend money they didn’t have. As soon as they both turned 18 they began spending money on cars and clothes and jewellery they couldn’t afford and became greatly indebted by the time they turned 20. While living with me and my family however, they had learned a lot of good things, but alas they had picked up only the worst trait my parents could have taught them; hatred. And with that hatred they learned that I was nothing but unworthy scum, I was a disease, something dirty – lower than a beggar, worth less than other humans, and they learned that they could treat me just as they wanted. Granny had helped me get a job at a local super market and helped me spend the money wisely so I could save up and go to University or get myself an apartment or something like that. I was on a good way by the time I was 17, but that’s when my oldest cousin turned 20 and began feeling the pain of owing someone money. I’m not really sure how he found out, but somehow he learned that I had gotten a job and managed to put some money in the bank and he and his brother came up with a clever plan. At first they came to me and threatened to tell my employers about my uality unless I gave them some money, and terrified of losing my job, I complied. But when granny told me they already knew and knew about me and her grandson, I began refusing to help them. So instead they threatened to let everyone know, showing me pictures of Yifan and me being close – but feeling a little brave I told them to off and that the pictures could easily be mistaken as two friends hanging out. But that pissed them off, and I shouldn’t have done that. As part of my job I was required to wear a white shirt, or – on hot summer days, no shirt at all – we all wore the same uniforms. So to ensure I would give them money, and to make sure they would always have the upper hand, one night they ambushed me and beat me up until I fell unconscious. When I woke up I was bound to a tree somewhere in the middle of a forest and they were sitting close by, keeping warm by a camp fire. When they realised I was awake they didn’t even say anything, they just got up, removed some glowing iron sticks from the fire and over the course of several hours they slowly burned the words into me. They singed and burned my flesh so deep they knew it would never disappear. 同性恋  (Tong xing lian). Gay. And so I promised to give them my money if only they would let me go. They kept burning me until I passed out, and I later woke up outside my home with a note in my pocket telling me when and how I had to pay up. Yifan and granny were both furious and horrified at what they had done, and to add insult to injury they had to bring me to five different doctors before they found one who was willing to treat my wounds, but they agreed that for now it would be best just to pay them up. I lost my job at the super market after that – I had to take a lot of sick time to let my injuries heal, and when I got back to work we realised the shirts in our uniforms were too thin so the customers could see through and read the words – and despite my employers being accepting, customers began leaving us to avoid “the gay man”. When suddenly my cousins again appeared, threatening me and demanding I gave them my money, only to be infuriated when I told them I’d already given them everything I had, and because I lost my job I couldn’t save up any more, granny became so scared the took out a loan and gave me the money and told me to move. I had barely turned 18 at the time, but my relationship with Yifan was over, I had no job, my family didn’t want me, and my cousins were tracking me down to get money from me after having tortured me for hours – I saw no other choice but to accept her offer. I packed a bag, thanked them both for three wonderful years, and left within three days. However I didn’t rely on their persistency to be so… stubborn. They found me in no time. So I moved again, found an apartment, got a job, began settling down and then they found me. And they kept on finding me and finding me and finding me, no matter where I ran, they always found me sooner or later. And they always took my money. If I refused they outed me to the community where I was living, turning everyone I had become close with against me. If their nagging for money wasn’t enough, the feeling of being excluded and hated and looked down upon by everyone I knew was always enough to make me pack my things and leave again. After they began threatening to hurt Yifan I started looking for a way to get back at them and to make them stop. But when they realised what I was doing they threatened to expose my relation to Yixing – and despite what had happened between us I couldn’t make myself do it; I couldn’t let them ruin his career and his life like that. And so I just continued to run. I tried using false names and take on non-registered jobs, but even then they found me. I’m 23 now, and this is the first time they haven’t found me within three months. I am currently running on my fourth month in Korea and I think the only reason they haven’t found me yet is because they didn’t expect me to move out of the country – and if they are here looking, they’re looking in the wrong town as I’ve registered with a bank far away from here this time. But they’re coming. And they will find me. And I am so scared. Not because I don’t know what is coming, but because I know that when they do… They’ll also find you.