"It is the oldest story in the book; he desires the one thing he cannot have."

YongGuk stumbled into his apartment and made his way unsteadily to the stairs that led to his room. It was nights like these that made him regret having an upstairs bedroom. The stairs seemed too treacherous to brave in his condition so he slumped at the foot of the stairs and decided he was content to sleep there. He didn’t even want to try getting up to sleep on the couch in the living room. At this point he was perfectly content to rest curled up at the foot of the stairs like a family pet. He rested his head on the hard floor and closed his tired eyes.

“YongGuk?” a voice called.

YongGuk groaned in answer to his roommate at the top of the stairs. He heard the footsteps descending and soon his roommate was stooped down next to him.

“Again?” JunHong asked.

YongGuk opened one eye to glare at the boy but he simply received a sigh in return.

“Come upstairs,” JunHong suggested.

YongGuk snorted then regretted the action as soon as he felt a wave of nausea. He threw up violently and immediately apologized – JunHong had just cleaned yesterday.

“It’s ok,” JunHong said patiently, “just get it all out.”

YongGuk emptied his stomach on the floor then slowly sat up. JunHong disappeared for a minute then returned with a mop and bucket. He began to clean YongGuk’s mess but YongGuk grabbed the mop.

“I’ll do it,” he said, getting to his feet carefully.

“Just go lie down,” JunHong said dismissively.

YongGuk grabbed the mop and continued JunHong’s work.

“Aren’t you tired of cleaning up my vomit?” YongGuk asked.

JunHong shrugged.

“I’m kind of used to it, to be honest,” he admitted.

“I’m sorry,” YongGuk said.

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” JunHong said suddenly. “I’m so worried about you, YongGuk.”

“I told you I’m fine,” YongGuk answered shortly.

“You’re not,” JunHong insisted. “You never used to do this.”

“Well I do now, ok? Go back to sleep.”

JunHong sighed and made his way back up the stairs, but YongGuk knew he hadn’t given up the argument. JunHong was out of luck though, YongGuk thought, because he would never admit to JunHong what was going on.

JunHong hadn’t made the connection between his girlfriend and YongGuk. It was a month ago when they had started dating and that was when YongGuk realized he couldn’t deal with it. He had always known how he felt about JunHong but it was a latent kind of love that had settled comfortably in his chest. It saddened him sometimes when he lay in his bed late at night imagining what it would be like to be in a relationship with JunHong while knowing it was unattainable, but it was still worth it to get up in the morning to see his face. It hurt, but at the same time he retained that good cheer that came from being in love. His love was a melancholy yet blissful one. He couldn’t have JunHong but in a way he still had him; and there were no threats.

The moment after JunHong announced he was going to begin dating Ari, YongGuk realized he was content to not be with JunHong only as long as no one else had him either. It was so much more difficult to be happy when he knew JunHong was off somewhere with her having the time of his life. It was even worse when they were right in front his eyes, gazing at each other as though there were no one else on the planet. So YongGuk decided he’d rather be drunk into oblivion than pining away wondering what they were doing on their stupid dates.

He crawled up the stairs when he was finished cleaning but froze when he reached the top. He could hear voices coming from JunHong’s room, specifically her voice. YongGuk was immediately pissed and stood so quickly he almost fell back to the ground. He slammed his door shut when he got into his room and threw himself on his bed like an angry child. He knew it was selfish and immature but he didn’t want them to last. He constantly envisioned JunHong running to him with tears in his eyes, bumbling about how he never wanted to date another girl again. YongGuk would comfort him and things would go back to normal.

YongGuk was horrified when he saw a tear hit his pillow and he quickly wiped it away. He was not crying over JunHong, he was not. But the more he denied it the more his pillow dampened and he found himself quietly crying over his best friend down the hallway. This was what YongGuk had been trying to avoid. His conscious was becoming clearer and his heart hurt in a way he didn’t think was possible. He could literally feel his chest aching and now he had a headache from trying to suppress his sniveling. Then he was angry all over again.

He was never mad at JunHong – it was that stupid girl. YongGuk swore if he got up for breakfast and she was still there he would make an about face and bury himself in the bottles of liquor he had hidden in his room. He thought he deserved to be drunk at breakfast if it meant not feeling what he was feeling right now. He turned his pillow over, sniffed back the last of his sorrow for the night and closed his eyes.

***

The next morning YongGuk felt like crap. Furthermore, he could hear them laughing downstairs. The sound cut right through his heart and he reached for a bottle under his bed. Before he could drink it there was a gentle knock and he flung the bottle back under the bed.

“YongGuk?” JunHong’s voice asked.

“Yeah?” YongGuk asked hoarsely.

“I’m gonna take Ari home, do you want anything in particular for your hangover?”

“I’m fine,” YongGuk lied.

“Alright, get some rest,” JunHong said and closed the door quietly.

YongGuk heaved a deep sigh when he heard JunHong’s car pull out of the driveway. He closed his eyes and it seemed like only a few minutes had passed before he heard his door open and he felt the bed weigh down next to him.

“Are you gonna talk to me now?” JunHong asked.

YongGuk shook his head.

“But we tell each other everything,” JunHong said quietly.

YongGuk could hear the hurt in JunHong’s voice and it killed him but he couldn’t confess to JunHong. That was a ridiculous notion.

“I can’t tell you,” YongGuk said firmly.

“But why?” JunHong wondered out loud. “It’s something to do with me isn’t it? What did I do? Just tell me.”

 “Can you leave?” YongGuk asked. “I have a headache.”

“No, I’m not leaving. You’re my best friend, YongGuk. Something’s hurting you and you’re not telling me. Is it that bad?”

“JunHong –”

“Wait. Are...are you sick?” JunHong asked, his voice trembling as he thought the worst.

YongGuk was about to deny it but he was sick...in a way.

“Yes.”

“Oh my God, what’s wrong?” JunHong demanded.

“My heart...I’m having heart problems...” YongGuk was glad he wasn’t facing JunHong because he knew he would call his bluff in an instant.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” JunHong asked.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” YongGuk answered.

“You idiot,” JunHong muttered, “I’ve been worried since you started being this way. What exactly is it?

“It...it just hurts a lot,” YongGuk answered carefully. “It feels like I’ll die but I won’t. I don’t know when it’ll get better.”

“Do you know what’s causing it?” JunHong asked.

“No. It just started happening.”

“The doctors have no idea?” JunHong asked disbelievingly.

“They’re still trying to figure stuff out...”

 “YongGuk...”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me,” JunHong asked.

YongGuk turned around reluctantly and looked at his best friend.

“Why are you lying to me?” JunHong asked.

“What –”

“I’ve known you forever,” JunHong told him. “I feel like you’re telling the truth but at the same time you’re lying.”

“JunHong...I really can’t tell you. I will someday but I can’t right now.  Just trust me, please,” YongGuk asked, feeling the tears building in his eyes.

“Do you promise you’ll tell me?”

“I promise,” YongGuk swore.

“Fine. I trust you. But please stop doing this to yourself every weekend?” JunHong pleaded.

YongGuk nodded and looked away before he ended up blurting out to JunHong that he loved him. It was so hard when JunHong was this close not to just shout it out because the thought weighed so heavily on his heart.

“I want you to know I will always be your best friend,” JunHong said earnestly. “I don’t tell you all the time but you mean everything to me, YongGuk. When you tell me whatever it is that’s hurting you I won’t turn my back on you. I love you.”

YongGuk held back his tears and turned to face JunHong with a sad smile.

“I love you, too.”

Inspired by this song. Let me know what you guys think~~ ^^

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