[CONTENTID1]Chapter 25: I don't want an ending [/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]Soundtrack:  "Don't want an ending" - Sam Tsui 

[/CONTENTID2][CONTENTID3]

“I don't wanna fall out

But we're all out of time”

Unintentionally, Nam Soon followed Heung Soo to his house. He didn’t realize when they arrived, or how he walked behind him without speaking a word. Heung Soo’s steps were slow, and once in a while he would look back to check if Nam Soon was still following him.

He didn’t really intend to follow him there. He didn’t want to follow him there. But even so, he did. And, without noticing when, they arrived home. The door closed behind them, as Heung Soo took out his shoes and went ahead with Nam Soon’s stuff.

Nam Soon just stood there by the door, as Heung Soo brought his bag to his own room, dropping it in the side of his bed.

“You only brought these? Where is the rest of your stuff?” Heung Soo questioned but Nam Soon wasn’t paying attention. He had to leave.

“I can’t stay here,” he whispered, facing down. He couldn’t look at Heung Soo’s eyes, or else he might start to cry again and he already spent enough time sobbing on his shoulders. Heung Soo rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, bastard,” he hissed, opening Nam Soon’s bag without his permission. Nam Soon noticed it and went ahead to stop him, but he shifted it out of his hands.

“Your sister… she will not be okay with this. I can’t,” Nam Soon said, trying to figure out why his hands were shaking so much.

Heung Soo stared at Nam Soon and he was lost for some seconds. How should he react? For a short time, he wanted to reach out for him. He, too, noticed that he was shaking. But, somehow he was tired of it.

Nam Soon should already know - he should know that he could depend on him. That he was willing to give up everything for him. That in case his sister wouldn’t accept it, that he was willing to live somewhere else with Nam Soon. He had no idea how they would do it, but he just knew, that there was no way that he could let him live with another man. Not even a chance.

He took out his phone from his pocket and dialed his sister’s cell phone. She should be at work right now, but she probably would be able to pick it up.

“Noona, Nam Soon is going to stay here for a couple days,” Heung Soo said when she picked up, before Nam Soon could even do anything about it. “I’ll explain to you when you come home,” he finished, and turned off the call some seconds later.

Nam Soon stared at him, faceless.

“See? All okay now,” he said, putting Nam Soon’s things at a space in his own closet.

“What if she find out about us? What will you do then?” Nam Soon revealed his worry, staring at the other boy as he closed the closet.

“She will have to know one day. I don’t think she would kick me out though,” Heung Soo assured Nam Soon. The boy just nodded, but what he thought was different. He was not as sure as Heung Soo was about it. After what happened with him… he was not sure of anything anymore.

"My heart is running on empty

One more day and then we go

Say you won't forget and I'll be okay"

Joo Mi was indeed not very pleased that Heung Soo was being serious when he said to her that Nam Soon was staying at their house. However, when she saw the bruises on Nam Soon’s face, her expression showed - even if just a little - some worry and pity.

“You went to the hospital?” she asked, trying not to show much worry, but unable to hide it completely. Heung Soo glanced at Nam Soon as he nodded, while they ate the dinner Heung Soo had made for them when she got home, in an attempt to get on her good side, at least a little.

“I will not ask you what happened, and why you can’t go home, but not because of you. It’s because Heung Soo asked me not to,” she said, her words a little harsh, but they could see the pity in her eyes even though she was trying so hard to sound mean, “but you have to promise me that you’ll not cause problems for Heung Soo, cause if you do…”

“Noona,” Heung Soo cut her before she could say more. It had been hard enough to convince him to stay, and she was making his work even harder. She made an unpleased expression, but didn’t finish her words.

“I’m sorry to bother,” Nam Soon whispered, holding his spoon tightly. Heung Soo noticed and reached out his hand to comfort him, but shifted away as soon as he realized what he was doing - and that Nam Soon pulled his hand away before he could reach.

“You are not,” Heung Soo pointed out. “Noona,” he reprehended her. It was about time that she would stop acting this way around him. At least he hoped that with his presence she would get used to Nam Soon again.

They made one bed at Heung Soo’s side with one spare mattress, where Nam Soon lay down. He was tired. This had been a tough day, and he didn’t quite know how he was feeling about being here - something still felt weird and he didn’t know what it was. He just knew one thing - that things weren’t like they were before. His feelings didn’t seem like before, he didn’t feel like he was the same person after all that happened. Heung Soo felt distant, even though he knew he was the one being distant.

But he couldn’t explain it. He was glad that he was with Heung Soo, but at the same time he was afraid. And something bitter emerged inside him every time he put his eyes on him. He was brought back to that night, to his father’s words. And what he felt with that was what brought that bitter feeling. It was not Heung Soo. He felt bitter about himself. Bitter that he questioned his relationship, bitter that he was giving him so much trouble - and afraid of what this could bring to Heung Soo.

He knew that he needed time and he was not sure if it was okay to wait that time living with Heung Soo. He was afraid of what that could bring to their relationship.

Would they get over this without any scars? Or were the scars already planted inside them, that there was no way back anymore? How deeper was it? Was it one scar they could heal again?

Nam Soon didn’t know, and he was afraid to know.

"We'll be home tomorrow

But a thousand miles too far away"

They left home together the next morning. Nam Soon’s bruises were still in sight but he figured it was all right to go to school. He had been ignoring Teacher Jung messages the last couple days, so he might as well leave her the doctor’s note so that he wouldn’t have any problems for skipping those days of school.

The class wasn’t especially worrying about him, at least the majority of it. Min Ki asked if he was okay when he arrived, obviously noticing the bruises on his face. That was the same for Yi Kyung and Young Woo.

Nam Soon forced the best smile for this occasions, and just lied, saying that he was all right. Heung Soo just stared at them, already back to his place.

Teacher Jung couldn’t hold a relieved smile when she noticed his presence in class.

Nam Soon didn’t bother to pay attention though, and both of them just lay down on their desks for what would be a couple more hours of sleep.

Soon the bell announcing it was lunch time rang and Nam Soon was ready to leave with Heung Soo when Ha Kyung got in his way. She stared at his bruises with what he thought was possible a worried expression - not that she was capable of many.

“Are you okay?” she asked, and Nam Soon limited himself to nod at her.

“Sorry, I let you with the class president job again,” he mumbled, noticing that Heung Soo was waiting impatiently by the door.

“It’s okay,” she said, pouting her lips. “You should only make sure you don’t skip class too much. It’s our last year and you might be wasting it out,” and stood there for a couple seconds until she finally decided it was time to leave. Nam Soon sighed, and went ahead to follow Heung Soo.

“I have to go to the teacher’s office,” Nam Soon warned, getting the note from his bag. Heung Soo nodded, but before they could reach there, Teacher Jung appeared behind them.

“Nam Soon, can we talk?” she asked, looking a bit worried. Nam Soon left out a glance at Heung Soo.

“I see you at the refectory,” he said to Heung Soo, who went ahead looking a bit worried, and followed to her class.

“Nam Soon,” she started when they finally sat down. “I’ve been noticing that some things are happening with you and Heung Soo here at school.”

Nam Soon struggled over his seat. He really didn’t have any intention of talking about this with his teacher.

“There’s something you want to tell me?” she whispered, trying to stare into his eyes, even though Nam Soon was not returning her glance. He took out his doctor’s note from his pocket and handed it to her.

“For the last two days that I skipped,” he just said.

“Nam Soon...”

“I have to go, if it was just this...” Nam Soon mumbled, and she got quiet for some seconds.

“Yes, okay,” she nodded, a little disappointed. Nam Soon stood up, reaching for the door. “Nam Soon,” she called again, and he turned slightly to face her. “If you ever need someone to talk to...” she whispered. Nam Soon smiled at her. He had to admit she was trying her best, but that was not something he could rely on a homeroom teacher.

“Thank you,” he bowed and went ahead to have his lunch with Heung Soo.

...

Joo Mi was not home when they arrived from school. Her work shift sometimes lasted until past the evening, so Heung Soo figured that they could have some time for themselves. After all that happened, all that he could wish for right now was some time alone with Nam Soon.

As soon as they passed by the door, Nam Soon went straight to Heung Soo’s room, where he dropped his backpack and threw himself over the bed.

“Are you okay?” Heung Soo wondered, worried that he might be hurting somewhere.

“Yeah...” Nam Soon whispered. “Just a little hungry... Let’s make ramen?” Nam Soon suggested, standing up and passing right beside Heung Soo.

However, when his shoulder slight brushed against his, Heung Soo held his wrist. Nam soon trembled on his place, hesitant to look back, but he ended up doing so anyway. And Heung Soo was staring at him with that expression - that look he was so afraid of.

Before he could even react to it, he felt Heung Soo’s lips pressing against his. And something froze inside his stomach after his touch. That feeling he had been afraid of feeling. That worry he was still building up inside him. That worry and fear that he planted itself inside him since that fatidic night.

Hissing, Nam Soon backed away from the kiss. Heung Soo stared at him and Nam Soon could see fear in his eyes. But it was a different fear from the one that he was feeling. It was a fear like the one he felt months ago when Heung Soo couldn’t kiss him that day. The same fear he once felt was now on Heung Soo’s eyes, but Nam Soon didn’t know what to do about it this time. What should he do? He didn’t want to feel that way. He wanted to feel just like before. He wanted to forget.

But there are some things, that didn’t matter how much he try to forget, he just couldn’t forget. And this was one of them. They burry deep inside him, creating a scar that sometimes will never heal.

Nam Soon just hoped that one day he would be able to heal this one. Even if it would always be there, he hoped he would be able to get used to it someday.

But today he couldn’t. He was not ready yet. Not now.

“Heung Soo,” Nam Soon whispered, holding Heung Soo’s hands into his. He didn’t want him to feel like he felt those days when he thought Heung Soo didn’t truly love him. But, also, what should he say to comfort him? He couldn’t even explain it to himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and Heung Soo blinked, giving one step back. “I need some time,” he confessed, and Heung Soo let go of his hands.

“Some time?” he whispered. What time? Some time away from him? He needed some time apart? That’s what he was trying to say?

“I don’t feel confident enough. I really need some time to get over all that happened.”

Heung Soo bit his lips. He had to understand, he had to put himself into Nam Soon’s place. But why was that so hard?

"Yeah, the time goes on now

Don't ask me how

I don't know"

The days passed just like the cold weather arrived - suddenly, and intense. They had already changed to their winter uniform, and school seemed more agitated than ever since even the non-committed students were rushing to learn everything they hadn’t in the whole year, except of course for Heung Soo and Nam Soon.

They had no intention of going to college from the very beginning. Finishing school was nothing more than just a formality.

“I can’t believe it’s finally the weekend,” Nam Soon hissed, coming home from work and stretching his muscles. He checked out his clock and it was already 4 A.M. Joo Mi’s car was not in the garage, which meant this was another night she would spent away – for what Heung Soo always said, partying. He had been jealous over it all the time in the last few days, even with Nam Soon trying his best to convince him that his sister had every right to go out with friends, or even a boyfriend if that was the case. But, of course, Nam Soon’s babbles about it didn’t make any change in Heung Soo’s opinion.

The light was off when he approached the house, which meant that Heung Soo should be already asleep. Nam Soon sighed... He could use some time to talk. However, when he went inside Heung Soo was surprisingly lying over the couch, and the television was - but he was already asleep.

“Hey...” Nam Soon pushed slightly at his arms, sitting at his side. Heung Soo woke up with a start.

“What time is it?” he mumbled, yawning.

“Past 4...“ Nam Soon whispered, changing channels until he found a movie that seemed to be a little interesting.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” Nam Soon asked, resting his head on Heung Soo’s shoulder.

“I was waiting to see what time noona would come home.”

“Aish, stop being a jealous brother,” Nam Soon said.

“It’s not that, I’m worried,” Heung Soo whispered, settling back onto his place.

Nam Soon didn’t really answer that. He understood it, or at least he could try to understand. He didn’t have anyone like that - except from Heung Soo. Well, he once had his father. It was not the same but it was the closest he could ever feel to how Heung Soo felt about her.

“She’s an adult, she can take care of herself,” Nam Soon comforted him and held his hand firmly into his. Heung Soo held back and focused on the film and on the warmth of Nam Soon’s hands against his.

That was as far as they had reached in the last few weeks.

Heung Soo thought about initiating a kiss several times, but then, they reached one point where he decided he wanted Nam Soon to start it. He wanted him to be ready, as he agreed to give him the time he needed.

What he hadn’t thought was that it would take this long.

Every time he thought about it, he tried to put himself in his position, he tried to think of what he would do in his place... But he couldn’t reach any agreement in his mind. So, he tried to understand, but the truth was that he missed Nam Soon.

That’s why, every time they had those few moments alone, even if they would just cuddle against each other in the sofa, hold hands and sometimes go as far as kissing his cheek... He would enjoy it. Because that was the moment he had with Nam Soon now.

And because he was so afraid that he could lose even those moments, he tried to enjoy them to the fullest.

"At least tonight

It's just you and me and honestly

That's everything I need"

They woke up with a start when the door suddenly opened. Nam Soon managed to detach his hands from Heung Soo’s just in time that his sister arrived, and stared intensely at them, then proceeded to take out her long sweater and suede boots.

“Are you still awake?” she wondered, looking at her clock. It was past 5 A.M.

“How was it?” Heung Soo questioned, a sign of bother in his tone.

“Don’t you start on me,” she hissed and left for her room, leaving the two boys alone.

Nam Soon took a glance at Heung Soo, with a slight disapproving expression.

“You should leave her alone. If you treat her that way, what you think she will do if she finds out... You know…” Nam Soon mumbled. He never would have figured how jealous with her Heung Soo could be, hadn’t him come to live with him.

“If she’s dating, she should introduce me to him. So I would be more relieved,” Heung Soo shrugged.

“Well, you should do the same if it’s okay then,” Nam Soon whispered, and Heung Soo rummaged over the couch.

“It’s different,” Heung Soo puffed, standing up. “Let’s go to the bed, my back is killing me,” he complained, and went ahead. Nam Soon followed just behind, and lay on the bed at his side. He was dead tired and he fell fast asleep. Compared to Nam Soon, Heung Soo was wide awake. Like every other night, he would sleep last.

He couldn’t help but lose his sleep whenever they would lay on their beds. He would always watch the boy sleeping at his side, yet not beside him. He missed sleeping in the same bed, he missed being truly alone with him. He missed being intimate with him. He truly missed him.

And he couldn’t help but wonder if Nam Soon missed him too.

"Is this over?

Don't want an ending"

They had come back from school unusually earlier that day – which meant Nam Soon had some time home before having to leave for work. Joo Mi was still at work, and they decided to have some soup with rice for dinner.

Since Heung Soo had cooked, Nam Soon did the dishes. He was finishing the last plate while Heung Soo watched him, talking about some trivial things about school. They didn’t see the time fly that afternoon since they spent some hours with small talking while Heung Soo cooked dinner.

Heung Soo suddenly got silent and Nam Soon too didn’t start any new conversation. He just admired Nam Soon’s slim figure, his pouty lips that he, so much, missed. Even though he was so close. Even though they were still together.

They were still a couple, but somehow it didn’t feel like it anymore. It was different than last time. This time, is seemed like he was the only part missing it. This time, some days, he would keep himself wondering if they had somewhere to go from there or if this would be their end. Could it be? Could that be as far as they reached in their relationship? Could that night had been too much for them to get over it?

He didn’t want that. He still missed Nam Soon. And, if not like a couple, he could never see himself and Nam Soon being just friends again. They both already knew that this was not really a possibility. If the day came where they would be apart - if that day came, they knew... They both knew that they would never be able to see each other anymore.

And just the thought of that would leave Heung Soo with a deep abysm in his heart. He felt hopeless, with no plan in life, with no reason to live. He shouldn’t be having those thoughts. Their relationship had not grown cold. They still talked everyday – they would never run out of subjects to talk. They hardly ever fought, only small discussions that didn’t last much. They always had something to do, something to laugh about. He couldn’t say their relationship was falling apart literally. But, still, the distance was there. He missed the intimacy, the kisses, and the breathless nights together. He missed that lustful way Nam Soon used to look at him. He felt like Nam Soon didn’t desire him anymore. He couldn’t help but think that - even if he somehow understood Nam Soon’s situation. He could understand, but that didn’t mean that the insecurity wouldn’t reach him.

“I’ll go get a bath,” Nam Soon mumbled, drying his hands on his trousers and passing right behind Heung Soo, heading to the bathroom. But Heung Soo held his arm, keeping him from leaving, and held him tight.

Nam Soon kept quiet as Heung Soo held him. He wouldn’t ask what was wrong because he knew what was wrong. He knew how Heung Soo was feeling. He knew it was taking him too long to get over that... To move on. But still, the fear hadn’t disappeared, even if it’s been long.

He hadn’t seen his father since that day. He didn’t hear of him, he didn’t receive even one message, no call... But he was not surprised with it. He expected it. But part of him, deep inside, hoped that he would wake up some day and think he went a bit too far. That he would realize Nam Soon was still his son, and he would want to see how he was doing, where was he living.  But nothing ever came. And that part of him couldn’t move on. Maybe that part of him would never move on, that’s why he would have to learn to live with it. But why, even though he knew it, why was that fear still there? Seeing how Heung Soo cared about his sister... that made him even more worried.

Nam Soon backed away, but Heung Soo didn’t let him go.

“Wait...” Heung Soo whispered, and stared at his eyes. Those brown eyes that used to drive him crazy with his desire stamped on them, but that lately would only be drove in warmth... and fear, whenever Heung Soo would cross the line.

But Heung Soo didn’t know how much longer he could wait. He didn’t want to feel helpless anymore. He and Nam Soon were living together now. Leaving the motives for that apart, they were living together. They would see each other practically 20 hours a day, so why did it feel like they had never been so distant since they were together?

Slowly, but without wavering, Heung Soo brushed his lips against Nam Soon’s. He slightly at his bottom lip and against his teeth, asking for permission.

But it didn’t came. Nam Soon backed away from his hold and looked down. He couldn’t face Heung Soo. He didn’t know what to say.

“I really have to go,” Nam Soon whispered, so low that he thought for a moment that Heung Soo couldn’t hear him. But he let go of his arms, and as he left he could see that his eyes were red and starting to get teary. And that broke Nam Soon’s heart. But still he couldn’t let go of that feeling deep inside him. What was that that night brought into him? Before that day, he wasn’t really scared of nothing like that. He was not embarrassed or anything like that, and he didn’t think that one day he would be. But, even if he knew it was right - that what they were doing was right. Why was that this part of him still felt like it was wrong? Like his father was still watching him. That he would still judge him? Or even worse... he was so afraid that Joo Mi would find out. That part of him didn’t want to give a motive - to have any memory in him of what they were doing when she was not home.

Nam Soon was lost, but he didn’t want to be. He knew it was not wrong. He knew they couldn’t be apart, but he still needed more time. He was still afraid. He was still hesitant.

"I'm scared to say goodbye 'cause

What's after that

I don't know"

Nam Soon purposely arrived even later that night. He was afraid to talk to Heung Soo. If he asked him what was wrong, he wouldn’t know what to say. He didn’t really want to have this conversation, not now. He was not sure if he would ever want to have this conversation.

So, slowly and trying to make less sound as possible, he entered the room. Heung Soo was already sleeping on his bed, his sheets long lost at his feet, as he cuddled against himself, probably trying to keep warm. Nam Soon approached him, untangling the sheets from his feet and used it to cover him. His forehead was frowned, and he looked like he was having bad dreams. Nam Soon could just hope he was not the reason for them.

He approached his hands to him, but stopped midway. He had to get over it. He had to find a way, or else, he was afraid that would create an even deeper scar between them.

He lay down, staring at Heung Soo at his side. And, for the first time in weeks, he wished he could sleep in the same bed as him.

"Tonight's the countdown

'Til the day we're not around"

School went on as usual the next day. It’s been long since the bullying kind of stopped. Choong Ki would still send disgusted looks at them whenever they were at sight, and sometimes he would brush his shoulders against one of them when he passed. Once a week he would whisper “faggots” at their side. But, other than him and his friends, their classmates had already stopped with the whispers, even though all that attention they once received had gone – but they couldn’t care less about it.

Nam Soon slept most of the day, only waking up at lunch time and when it was already time to leave. He stood up when class ended, intending to leave with Heung Soo, but Ha Kyung stopped by at his side. Her expression was not like it used to be. She looked a bit worried, a bit apprehensive.

“Can we talk?” she whispered, and Nam Soon left out a glance at Heung Soo, who frowned. Great, that was everything he needed after all that was happening between them. But, seeing there was nothing he could do, Heung Soo left both of them alone and headed home.

When Heung Soo was truly out of sight, Ha Kyung took a deep breath, and stared at Nam Soon, who was already looking at her. He had an idea of what this conversation might be about, but he wished it wasn’t. After those months, he really hoped that this was indeed just Heung Soo picking up on him.

“I wanted to forget about it, and I really tried to...” she whispered without breaking the eye contact even once. Even if her voice was trembling. “Because, this is embarrassing... and unbelievable. Why would I... for someone like you... But I guess, this kind of feeling don’t choose the right person. Or what should be the right person. It just happens, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

...

Heung Soo reached home after a couple minutes - minutes thinking about it all over again. Thinking about why they had to go through this, after everything they had been through. Why couldn’t they just be happy? Why do the problems seem to appear one after the other? Would they be able to finally be happy one day?

His sister had already come home from work and was cooking dinner.

“Where is Nam Soon?” she asked, noticing that Heung Soo had come home alone. He never came home alone.

“Stayed in school talking to Ha Kyung,” Heung Soo said. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even think before answering. His sister wouldn’t even know who Ha Kyung was.

She stayed in front of the stove facing Heung Soo astonished.

“What? His girlfriend?” She looked extremely surprised and Heung Soo didn’t even want to waste his time thinking about the reason for it.

“No,” he prompted to say, heading to his room.

He closed the door behind him and took the old photograph he had of them over his desk.

He was not really jealous. He was not afraid of the talk he and Ha Kyung would have. Was he?

He knew very well that Nam Soon was not interested in her. He knew it, but that didn’t change the fact that he was insecure about their relationship. Nam Soon still loved him, didn’t he? He knew he did.

But still, he was insecure. He didn’t feel Nam Soon’s love for him anymore. He didn’t feel like he cared.

He needed to feel loved again.

“In one day

No way you'll be mine”

“And, since I want to move on… I decided I need to tell you,” she bit her lips in apprehension, but in the end she stared at him in the eyes again. She was someone that knew what she wanted in life. She had to know and take her decisions. And once she decided, she was someone that would chase it until the end. So there was no run away from here now. She had to get rid of this weight that was behind her, taking her out of focus from what she really should be paying attention to.

“I like you, Go Nam Soon. Since last year, I’ve liked you. Since that day you got me out of that school,” she confessed, her eyes still on his. Until he diverted his from her.

He suspected that was what she wanted to tell him. And now there was no way to run out from this conversation. He had to be honest with her since she had been to him.

“I’m thankful…” Nam Soon smiled shyly at her. “I’m thankful that one girl as smart as you is interested in someone like me,” He paused, putting his hands on his pockets and thinking what he should say. “But, I’m also sorry…” Ha Kyung diverted her eyes, too. She knew what was coming. She was not really sure she wanted to hear it, but it was better to do so. So that she would finally be able to move on.

“I’m sorry, because I can never return your feelings…. Because I have someone else,” Nam Soon confessed. “I already have someone… Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“If we lose track or lose the fight

I will search forever to find the way back to tonight”­
 

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[CONTENTID4]

(UPDATE 2014/12 : Chapter last edited and revised on this current date)

Sorry for this chapter... it took so long to update, and I don't really like it :/ But well, i hope you do like it anyway...

And thanks for Yoselin (tumblr: stormpiece.tumblr.com) for reviewing the chapter again!

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