[CONTENTID1]Chapter 11: I never meant to be so cold[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]Soundtrack: Boyce Avenue - "Grenade" | Crossfade - "Cold"

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“Should've known you was trouble

From the first kiss”        

Heung Soo couldn’t pay attention for a minute of class this morning. He just couldn’t take his eyes off Nam Soon. The look Nam Soon had given him was still engraved in his mind. His heart was hurting so much from what he did, and he just wanted to hold Nam Soon and tell him how sorry he was. But how could he? What if Nam Soon didn’t want to talk to him anymore? What would he do?

It hurt him that Nam Soon didn’t return his look even once, but he could understand him. Nam Soon must be even more hurt than he was. Heung Soo had just lied to him and for what? To meet some girls? He knew that wasn’t the truth, but would Nam Soon still believe in him now?

When the bell announcing lunch time ringed, Heung Soo breathed out in relief. He watched as Nam Soon headed out of the classroom without looking back at him, and he just followed silently. He was not sure what he was doing when he grabbed his tray and placed it in front of Nam Soon, who was eating alone at an empty table. Part of him was afraid Nam Soon would just stand up and change tables, but he tried not to think about it. However, Nam Soon remained still.

Heung Soo felt his throat go dry again as Nam Soon’s eyes started to become slightly wet. He knew very well how Nam Soon acted when he was emotionally troubled - he would start to shove more food into his mouth than he could handle, while he visibly tried to prevent his eyes from becoming tearful. Heung Soo had seen him do just that a couple of times already. The last time had been in the past year, and, at that time, he had really hoped he wouldn’t have to see Nam Soon like that again. But now here he was, and it was Heung Soo’s fault.

The fact that Heung Soo couldn’t bring himself to say something just made him hate himself even more.

A lot of thoughts were running through Nam Soon’s head right then too. He didn’t want to cry, and he didn’t want to think about anything, but he couldn’t avoid these thoughts from appearing. Why did Heung Soo lie to him? Why did he meet with those girls? And why wasn’t he saying anything right now?

Why couldn’t he apologize?

 “Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did”

Lunch went on like that, and soon it was the end of the school day. Nam Soon and Heung Soo still couldn’t speak a word to each other, and Nam Soon, at this moment, just wanted to head home. He couldn’t face Heung Soo’s silence anymore. At this point, he was also afraid of whatever Heung Soo might say to him.

He rushed out of school, making sure he walked right past Heung Soo and that he wasn’t being followed. The way home was silent and cold. Nam Soon was making his best to control his tears, even though it was harder than ever.

When he finally arrived, he just went into his bedroom and launched himself on top of his bed. His breath came slowly, his eyes red from holding his tears, his throat becoming drier and drier. He didn’t want to keep thinking about this, but he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He couldn’t avoid rethinking Heung Soo’s true feelings for him. Did Heung Soo really love him like he claimed? Or was he just afraid to hurt his feelings?

He knew it when he saw Heung Soo kissing that girl the other night - that Heung Soo was not really into boys. He knew it when Heung Soo told him he was his first man ever, but, at the time, he was so sure about Heung Soo’s feelings for him that he didn’t question it. However, right now, he was not so sure anymore.

If Heung Soo really did love him, why is it that he avoided Nam Soon every time he touched him at school, even the usual touches they had always shared when they were just friends? If he loved him, why did he have to lie to him and go out to meet those girls?

“To give me all your love

Is all I ever asked.”

That was the thought Nam Soon was trying so hard to erase. The thought that, for Heung Soo, Nam Soon was just a good friend. A good friend he had desires for. A good friend he wanted to have with.

But not a lover. Not someone he would stay with forever and give all his affection to. Because Nam Soon was not a woman. Nam Soon couldn’t give Heung Soo what a woman could, and he would never be able to. He would never be able to form a true family with him, no matter how much he wanted to. He would never be able to appear in front of his sister and present himself as Heung Soo’s lover - because no one would ever accept that.

Perhaps that was the reason why all this didn’t meant the same to Heung Soo as it meant to him. Nam Soon would do anything to be with Heung Soo, he didn’t care about what other people approved or did not approve. But this wasn’t the same for Heung Soo.

And maybe that was the reason why Heung Soo had lied to him. Maybe, for Heung Soo, Nam Soon would always be just a friend. was not the same as love. It was not the same as affection. Maybe, for Heung Soo, it was just .

“I’m alright…” Nam Soon muttered to himself, closing his eyes and trying to stop the tears from forming in his eyes.

“You know I'd do anything

I would go through all of this pain

Yes, I would die for you, baby

But you won't do the same”

Heung Soo was slowly heading home after school. His steps were slow, since he didn’t really want to arrive. He didn’t want to answer his sister’s questions about how classes went. He didn’t want to answer his sister when she asked him why he was crying.

Slowly, his steps just stopped, and he saw himself in the middle of the sidewalk. The wet path of tears in his face was getting cold from the wind that rubbed his face. He watched as some people walked past him, not paying any attention to the boy who just stood still on the pavement, face reddened from crying and eyes wet. They didn’t even look back to watch him as they were too lost on their own thoughts and problems.

So why was he hurting himself and Nam Soon because of people just like these? Why did he care so much about what others would say about them? And why, even after all this, did he know he still wouldn’t do anything differently if it happened again?

“What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am”

But, even though he knew he couldn’t change, even though he knew he couldn’t bring himself to love Nam Soon openly, Heung Soo turned around. He ran past all the nameless people that didn’t give a damn about him, heading to Nam Soon’s home. He didn’t know what he was going to say to him. How would he apologize to him?

But that didn’t matter. He just wanted to see him. He needed to see him. He had to hold him tightly in his arms again. He couldn’t lose him.

“I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold”

Before he realized, he was already in front of Nam Soon’s home. Heung Soo still had that copy of the key, but he just couldn’t bring himself to open the door. Perhaps it would be better to ring the doorbell and wait for Nam Soon to let him in.

But what if he didn’t let him in? What if Nam Soon just told him to get lost? What if he said to him that he didn’t want to see a bastard like him ever again? What would he do?

And, just like that, all the courage he had gathered to arrive at Nam Soon’s home disappeared in the blink of an eye. He turned around, leaned against the wall and let his body slide to the ground. He couldn’t leave, but he also couldn’t bring himself to ring the bell.

So the only thing he could do was stay as he was - back pressed against the cold wall, sitting beside the door, watching the few people who came and went and not once stopped to look at him.

“I never really wanted you see the screwed up side of me
That I keep locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me”

Nam Soon could see the light vanishing from the window as the night approached. He was still lying on his bed, breathing slowly. The feeling of the day coming to an end made him stand up and head to the kitchen to search for something to eat. At least until he realized that he wasn’t really hungry.

Perhaps he should go out, get some fresh air, get something to drink, and why not buy a cigarette? He quit a long time ago, but now he really felt like smoking to keep his mind off certain thoughts.

He opened the door, intending to go to the nearest store, when he felt his heart flutter - Heung Soo was seated beside his door, his head resting on his arms. Nam Soon stood still, watching the tall boy that didn’t show a sign of having noticed his presence. Since when was Heung Soo there? Why was he there?

“I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s no hope; I never meant to be so cold”

Watching Heung Soo sitting there, unmoving, distressed… it was like watching himself four years ago. It was like seeing himself losing his senses when he caught the expression on Heung Soo’s face behind the hospital window, on the day he broke Heung Soo’s wings and ruined his future. He could remember that feeling – the certainty that Heung Soo would never forgive him. How afraid he was of losing Heung Soo, and how he lost all courage and backed away. He remembered the way he buried his face deep into his knees, just like Heung Soo right now.

He remembered how he couldn’t face Heung Soo, but couldn’t go away either. Though, in the end, he left. He left Heung Soo alone until it was too late to come back, too late to ask for forgiveness. He could still feel the loneliness that he had drowned in during those three years he and Heung Soo had been apart, and he just knew… He knew he couldn’t live like that anymore.

Heung Soo was not just his friend or lover. He was much more than that. Heung Soo was his life, his future, his dreams. There was no Nam Soon without Heung Soo.  So how could he just leave him like that?

“But darling I'd still catch a grenade for you

Throw my hand on a blade for you

I'd jump in front of a train for you

You know I'd do anything”

 “What are you doing?” Nam Soon said, his eyes roaming over Heung Soo who didn’t move an inch. But Nam Soon knew he heard him. “Get in. You’ll catch a cold,” he told him, slowly turning around and going inside his house, leaving the door open.

Nam Soon was grabbing a bottle of soju from the freezer when Heung Soo finally walked in, silently closing the door behind him. He stood in front of it, finally glancing at Nam Soon. His eyes were red, and Nam Soon knew him well enough to know he’d been crying.

“I never stopped to think of you, I’m always wrapped up in things I cannot win”

Nam Soon bit his lower lip, looking away and breathing heavily, trying to control all the emotions bursting inside of him. Truth is he was afraid to have this conversation. But, even so, he needed to have it. He couldn’t lose Heung Soo.

Slowly, he placed the open bottle of soju on the counter, without touching it. The silence was killing him. He wanted Heung Soo to speak, but Heung Soo looked too apprehensive to start. Nam Soon sighed and opened his mouth to start talking when the words finally came out of Heung Soo’s mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded, a single tear rolling down his face. “I’m sorry, Nam Soon.”

Nam Soon had thought he would be relieved when he heard Heung Soo’s words of apology. But, right now, he was not sure about that anymore, because Nam Soon didn’t feel relieved at all. He felt more insecure than ever. What was Heung Soo sorry for?

Was he sorry because he lied to him? Was he sorry for going out to meet that girl? Or was he sorry… because he didn’t love him?

Nam Soon was too fearful to ask. He was not sure if he really wanted to know the truth, because the truth could hurt him more than ever and he knew he couldn’t handle it. Not now. Not today. Maybe he would never be able to.

Leisurely he grabbed his bottle of soju again and went to the couch, slowly sitting on it. He heard Heung Soo approaching him, but he didn’t sit beside him. Nam Soon realized that Heung Soo was still waiting for his answer. But how could he give it to him if he still didn’t understand Heung Soo’s feelings?

“Why?” Nam Soon asked, afraid to form his sentence. “What are you sorry for?” he finally questioned, feeling anxious and worried.

He felt when Heung Soo placed his hands on the corner of the couch, but he didn’t move to look back at him. He didn’t have the courage to do that right now.

“I shouldn’t have lied,” he whispered, pressing down on the leather beneath his hands. Heung Soo didn’t know which words to choose. What should he say, so that Nam Soon would believe him? He was petrified, because he knew that even the truth would hurt Nam Soon.

“Why did you go meet those girls?” Nam Soon words came out mournful. Heung Soo could sense the hurt inside of him, even without Nam Soon saying it. And that made him even more miserable. What should he do? How could he change himself?

“I…” Heung Soo didn’t know what to say. He was too scared, too fearful that Nam Soon wouldn’t accept his response. So what should he do?

Heung Soo’s delayed answer made Nam Soon turned around to face him. Even though he was apprehensive, he still needed to hear something from Heung Soo, now that he had finally asked him. But why wasn’t he answering? It just made him even more uneasy.

“…I just felt it wouldn’t hurt to help Yi Kyung… He insisted so much even after I told him that I wasn’t going… But I didn’t want you to worry about it.”

Nam Soon didn’t take his eyes away from him, and he could perfectly notice how Heung Soo diverted his eyes from him when he spoke. And Nam Soon knew why - it was because Heung Soo was lying to him again. And it crushed him.

Heung Soo knew that Nam Soon noticed that he was lying. Of course he did. How could Heung Soo be so stupid? How could he be such a coward?

“I never meant to be so cold

Never meant to be so...

Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies”

“And that’s why you gave him your cell phone number?” Nam Soon said sharply, standing up and tossing his bottle into the trash. He leaned against the wall, placing his hands behind his head.

Heung Soo walked over to him, touching his shoulders as the tears simply started to drip from his eyes again. He was ruining everything, and he knew it. He was losing Nam Soon, and it would be his fault entirely.           

“No…” Heung Soo whispered. He should just stop running away from it. For their own good. “I didn’t mean it. I’m afraid, Nam Soon. I don’t want things to change. But I don’t want to lose you too. I’m nothing without you,” he pleaded, the tears falling from his eyes just like the day he told Nam Soon that he only had him. His feelings hadn’t change, and he needed Nam Soon to believe in him.

Nam Soon faced those teary eyes in front of him. But, this time, his own tears didn’t follow him. He felt hopeless, wounded, empty and hurt. How should he react to Heung Soo’s confession? What did Heung Soo mean with those words? He was not sure any more about his feelings. He was not so sure that Heung Soo loved him the same way he did.

“Things have already changed, Heung Soo,” Nam Soon murmured, taking Heung Soo’s hands away from him. “I love you, not just like a friend. I love you like a man. And it will never be like it was before.” But, this, Nam Soon thought to himself, was supposed to change for the best. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

If Heung Soo didn’t feel the same about him, what would he do?

Nam Soon headed to his room without speaking another word. He was too devastated to look back. But he didn’t need to, because, seconds after, he felt Heung Soo’s arms covering him in a tight embrace. He felt the familiar scent of shampoo in Heung Soo’s hair that brushed over his shoulder. He felt the warmth of Heung Soo’s body that he loved so much. And, like a miracle, Nam Soon’s muscles relaxed under his arms. Even though it didn’t prove anything, didn’t prove that Heung Soo’s feelings for him were the same, it was still enough to cause the tears to finally slide down on his cheeks. It was enough to make his heart relax for just one moment. One moment that he just wanted to enjoy, because he didn’t have any other choice.

Because Nam Soon would do anything for Heung Soo. If Heung Soo asked him to leave, he would leave. If he asked him to stay, he would stay. If he asked him to sleep with him, he would.

Nam Soon would do anything for him, because that was Nam Soon. That was the Nam Soon that would die for Heung Soo.

“You know I'd do anything”

Even though Nam Soon had thought to himself it would be just for one moment, it took longer than he planned. That night, Heung Soo stayed over.  And the next day, they went to school together.

Part of Nam Soon was trying to let things stay in the past. Part of him really wanted to believe that hug meant something more to Heung Soo. But another tiny part was still wounded and distrustful. However, Nam Soon wanted that moment to last longer. Because then he could fool himself that everything was alright. And Heung Soo, also, could fool himself that he had changed and that something like that wouldn’t happen again.

But, even though they had spent the night together, Heung Soo and Nam Soon hadn’t spoken much. Nam Soon had been too uneasy about both of them, while Heung Soo hadn’t really known what to say.

“Maybe in a different light,

You could see me stand on my own again,

Cause now I can see me.”

Lunch time arrived and Heung Soo reached first to the cafeteria. He was walking to an empty table, holding his lunch tray in his hands, when Nam Soon suddenly grabbed his left arm. Nam Soon had just intended to ask him to come over to the rooftop so they could talk alone, but the simple touch of Nam Soon’s hand on Heung Soo’s arm made him tense up dreadfully, causing him to drop his tray and spill his food all over the floor and Nam Soon’s clothes.

Nam Soon pulled away quickly because of the hot soup that soaked his shirt, looking at Heung Soo right after. What was that all about? Did Heung Soo drop his tray just because he touched his arms? Heung Soo was too annoyed by all the faces that turned to look at them, that he just walked right past Nam Soon without bothering to help him with his dirty clothes.

Suddenly, Nam Soon wasn’t hungry anymore.

He didn’t care that his clothes were messed up, he could just change to his gym uniform. He didn’t care too that Heung Soo had just left, because that was Heung Soo, he was really easily annoyed sometimes. But Nam Soon hoped Heung Soo didn’t get all tense just because he touched him at school. He had hoped that moment when he tried to believe in Heung Soo would last longer.

He hoped it could last forever. But, apparently, things didn’t change with Heung Soo. Now, Nam Soon just needed Heung Soo to be really clear with him about what was happening.

“No, you won't do the same

You wouldn't do the same”

The sun was almost gone when they were finally free to go home. Nam Soon and Heung Soo hadn’t spoken at all until the end of class, but even so they both headed down the usual road to Nam Soon’s home. Heung Soo was slightly behind him, but close enough for Nam Soon to sense his steps behind him.

They were walking down an empty street when Heung Soo finally muttered something.

“I’m sorry for dirtying your clothes.”

Nam Soon suddenly stopped, causing Heung Soo to almost bump into him, but he managed to stop just in time. Nam Soon turned around to face Heung Soo. His eyes were completely wet. He couldn’t hold it anymore. They needed to talk or else that swelling inside his throat would never go away. And Nam Soon really needed to breathe again.

“Why are you acting like this?” Nam Soon whispered, his voice revealing how hurt and vulnerable he was feeling. Heung Soo stared at those sad eyes, feeling his mouth suddenly go dry.

“What do you mean?” Heung Soo whispered, wishing he had more time to think about what to say.

“You know what I mean,” Nam Soon said sorrowfully. “You tense up every time I touch you. You can’t stand me even touching your shoulder when we’re at school… You leave after we had to meet some girls just because Yi Kyung asked you to. You give him your phone, just because she asked him.” Nam Soon stopped to breathe for a while, holding his tears and hoping Heung Soo would say something, but he didn’t. “What am I to you?”

Heung Soo didn’t know what to say, how to say it. He thought Nam Soon already knew the answer. That he was everything to Heung Soo.

“Lately I’ve started to think that I’m just a good friend that you fool around with,” Nam Soon continued, seeing that Heung Soo didn’t show any signs of answering his question. “Have you ever thought of me as more than that?”

Heung Soo swallowed dry. He never imagined that Nam Soon was thinking these things. He knew he was hurt, but not like this. And it was him that made him feel this way. And he was really so sorry about it.  But what Nam Soon thought wasn’t even near the truth… How could he prove that to Nam Soon now?

“I guess for me there's just no hope.

I never meant to be so cold.”

“It’s not like that,” Heung Soo whispered, not controlling the tears that ran down his face. He was truly, really, sorry. “I love you. I really do.”

Nam Soon bit his lips. He couldn’t stand to see Heung Soo crying. He couldn’t, but it was impossible to believe on his words just like that. Not after what’s been happening. Not knowing that, in the next day, Heung Soo could just act the same way.

“So prove it,” Nam Soon pleaded. His heart was beating fast at this point. Because he knew what he was about to ask, and part of him was too afraid of how Heung Soo would react to it.

Heung Soo just slightly dropped his head to de side, waiting for Nam Soon to continue, since his throat was too dry to form words at the moment.

“Kiss me.”

“To give me all your love

Is all I ever asked”

Heung Soo looked around, worried. “Here?” he managed to ask with a panicked voice.

“Yes, here,” Nam Soon insisted. “There’s no one around,” he begged, looking at the empty street around them.

But Heung Soo couldn’t move, his eyes wandering at the windows of the buildings around them, to the small movements of the curtains behind them. It was probably just the wind. However, it was still a public street. Anyone could appear, at any time. Someone could be watching them from inside any of these apartments, or from the rooftops.

“You can’t, right?” Nam Soon murmured, the blink of his eyes making the tears drip down on his face. He didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t hold the tears in any longer, and he didn’t want to. He was just empty now. “You can’t, because you’re embarrassed about me.”

Heung Soo didn’t answer Nam Soon. He couldn’t. He couldn’t because Nam Soon was right - he couldn’t kiss him.

Nam Soon let a sorrowful sigh escape from his throat. He walked right past Heung Soo without looking back.

“Oh, you'd never do the same

No, no no no oh”

Heung Soo stood silently from some minutes, thinking about what just happened. His heart pounding inside his chest like never before. And when he looked back, Nam Soon was already out of his sight.

And that was when he realized that he had just ruined everything. He lost Nam Soon. He let him go.

His back hit the wall behind him with force, while the tears fell from his eyes. Heung Soo slipped down to the ground, hands covering his eyes and grabbing at his hair forcefully. He couldn’t control his desperate sobs.

Where was Nam Soon? Where was Nam Soon? Because he needed him right now.

What had he done?

“I never really wanted you to go,

so many things you should have known,

I guess for me there's just no hope.”

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(UPDATE 2014/12 : Chapter last edited and revised on this current date)

Yey, one more chapter ^_^ And please, don't kill me... At least I warned you guys that angst was coming...so... yeah, here it is :) Please don't hate me too much for it xD
As always, thank you for anaapenas, Yue and Giselle and all the ones that read this fic, the ones that subbed and the ones that commented! Your comments always make me happy :) And hope you continue following this fanfic ^_^

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