[CONTENTID1]Chapter 15: Can we go back to how it used to be?[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]SoundTrack: "Used to" by Daughtry | "By your side" by Tenth Avenue North

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“Why are you striving these days?

Why are you crying?”

He should go home and just forget - those were Heung Soo’s thoughts when he closed the door of Nam Soon’s house behind him.

But what would he do? How would he be able do stop thinking about whether Nam Soon was still with that man or if he already went home?

He felt anxious and was surprised of how that made him feel empty. Nam Soon’s smile when he saw that man was still carving into his memory, and all of a sudden, he started to wonder how he let it come to that. When was that spiteful moment where he decided to put others before his relationship with Nam Soon?

He couldn’t let him go. He couldn’t lose him.

“Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?”

Apparently Nam Soon went out in a rush since a lot of his clothes were thrown over his bed and his closet was wide open.

Heung Soo sighed, trying to avoid the thought that Nam Soon went through all that trouble to get ready to go out with another man, and started to organize all that mess back into the closet

But, when he placed the first shirt back into it, he noticed a block of paper disposed there. Making sure he didn’t disarrange anything more, he picked it up. There were many drawn pages and soon he realized it was a copy of one manhwa. He stared at it and slowly started passing trough them.

The first drawing that caught up his attention was the one of two boys looking at each other with one sad expression. He passed some more pages, and was stuck in one specific drawing - one single drawing that was occupying half of the page.

In that picture, those two boys were kissing. Heung Soo hurried to close it and threw it back into the closet, trying not to think about the fact that this must be the manhwa which Nam Soon was talking about - the manhwa his new friend had drawn. Otherwise, why would he hide it from him? Not to mention it was not a published one, just one copy in normal papers. So of course it had to be his.

And the content of that story proved that Heung Soo was right about that man - and the worst part was that for some reason Nam Soon had been hiding it from him. Why would he hide something like that? They always told everything to each other before - at least before Heung Soo ruin everything months ago. It was Heung Soo’s fault, so why was he complaining now?

"You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around.

You used to lean on me like

The only other choice was falling down."

However, he couldn’t accept it. What were Nam Soon’s feelings for that guy? Just the thought that Nam Soon might like him now made him feel empty and desperate. Like his reason to exist was being taken away from him again.

Almost struggling just to breath, Heung Soo managed to walk to the living room, turning on the television, even though he wasn’t really watching it because his thoughts wouldn’t go away from Nam Soon.

“To where will you go, child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run”

It was already the end of the afternoon and Nam Soon hadn’t come back yet. Heung Soo was already desperate at this point. His mind had already created all the possibilities of what might have happened, and he just couldn’t stand it anymore, he needed Nam Soon. Why didn’t he come back yet? Wasn’t he missing him?

He searched for his phone into his pocket and was extremely disappointed that there weren’t any messages from Nam Soon yet.

He didn’t care of how desperate he would look now. He just needed him to come back to him.

“Are you coming home? I made ramen,” He wrote him. He hoped Nam Soon would understand, he hoped he would come back. But, just some minutes later, his hopes were all ruined again.

“Oh no, I’ll come late, Harry invited me to an autograph session he’s making in one event... Make sure to leave some for me for when I get home!”

Heung Soo let his cell phone drop to the floor when he read Nam Soon’s answer. Apparently going out with that man was now more fun than staying with Heung Soo.

He swallowed dry, rapid blinking to fade away the tears that started to form into his eyes. He needed some cigarette. No, in fact, he needed something to drink. He was not used to resort to alcohol in difficult circumstances, but he felt that he really needed some now. He just needed to forget everything, and sleeping would be impossible right now so he had no other choice.  

He went out for a couple minutes and soon was back from the market with some bottles of soju and one pack of cigarettes. Without bothering to change the channel of the television, he drowned on the first bottle, without realizing when he went to the next one.

"I look around me,

And I want you to be there

'Cause I miss the things that we shared."

It was already close to ten PM when Nam Soon came home. He started coughing as soon as he felt the strong smell of cigarette.

“Heung Soo?” Nam Soon called, approaching the sofa where he found Heung Soo sleeping. He could smell the alcohol from a distance. Heung Soo woke with a start, rubbing his face and glancing at Nam Soon with one annoyed look.

“How much did you drink?” Nam Soon asked, noticing the empty bottles of soju thrown at the corner of the room.

“Not much,” Heung Soo mumbled, shrugging his shoulders. Nam Soon sighed - he could clearly see that Heung Soo was drunk. He gave his back to him and headed to the fridge to get him a glass of water.

“Here, drink it,” Nam Soon said, lending him the glass. Heung Soo stared widely at him, ignoring the water, and suddenly grabbed his wrists.

Heung Soo had that look in his eyes - lost and resentful. And Nam Soon wished he could read his mind to know what he was thinking.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” Heung Soo whispered, without looking away from him, with that same expression in his eyes. Nam Soon could clearly smell the alcohol, making it impossible to forget the fact that Heung Soo was completely drunk. But something about Heung Soo’s expression made his entire body shudder - there was something strange in his tone, which he didn’t understand.

Nam Soon quickly released his wrist from Heung Soo’s hold. He pictured something was not right, and by the look Heung Soo was giving him, and knowing how drunk he was, he figured what could happen - and he knew pretty well it was better to leave before things become worst.

Nam Soon just sighed and headed to the bedroom, placing the glass of water over the balcony. Heung Soo stood up as he watched Nam Soon leaving and followed him from behind.

Nam Soon heard Heung Soo calling him from his back, but he didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t, because he felt what was going to happen -and it couldn’t happen. Not only because Heung Soo didn’t know what he was doing, but because that could ruin everything.

However, before Nam Soon had the time to react, he felt his shoulder being pulled to face Heung Soo as his back was tossed against the wall.

“Heung Soo... don’t,” Nam Soon whispered. Heung Soo was staring into his eyes, as he placed both his hands at the side of Nam Soon’s neck. Their eyes met, and Nam Soon’s heart fluttered. He wanted that, but as much as he wanted it, they couldn’t do it.  Because if they did, all the time they’ve spent trying to avoid it would be tossed into the trash, and the worst part was that Heung Soo wasn’t even himself right now. He was drunk and he didn’t know what he was doing, so what that would mean to him? Probably nothing.

But, before Nam Soon could think about pushing him away, Heung Soo lips meet his own in a rough and violent kiss.

Heung Soo’s tongue made its way inside Nam Soon’s mouth, tasting those lips that he so long desired. Nam Soon involuntarily groaned between the kiss, his heart beating so fast that he thought it was going to explode. But, before it could last longer, the taste of alcohol in Heung Soo’s mouth made him realize what he was falling into. And, as a response for that, Nam Soon bit Heung Soo’s lips with force, making it bled instantly. Heung Soo backed away with a start, placing his tongue over the cut and feeling the metallic taste of blood. He ran his right hand on Nam Soon’s neck and touched his bleeding lips. Nam Soon remained still, controlling his breathing while he waited for Heung Soo’s reaction.

The older boy smiled slightly, glancing back at him.

“Why? Can’t kiss me anymore?” He hissed, without breaking his glance. Nam Soon bit his lips and pushed Heung Soo from his way, breaking the contact between their eyes.

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” Nam Soon sighed, trying to reach the bathroom, but Heung Soo let a sarcastic smile run trough his lips, and reached again for Nam Soon’s arms.

“I know pretty well what I’m doing,” Heung Soo said, getting close to Nam Soon so that he ended up with his back against the wall once again. He knew he could just push Heung Soo away. With the quantity of alcohol he had just drunk, it would be something easy to do. But what was making him so angry was that he didn’t really want to do it - he missed Heung Soo, and push him away wasn’t something he wanted to do. Regardless, it was something he had to do. “What about you?” Heung Soo whispered close to his ear. 

“Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away”

Noticing that Nam Soon wasn’t pushing him away, he let his hand slip between Nam Soon’s legs, following it by a mischievous smile. “As it seems, you want this as much as I do,” Heung Soo hinted, letting his tongue slip at Nam Soon earlobes, reaching the side of his neck.

Nam Soon bit his lips, his breath coming out unsteady and the beats of his heart racing by Heung Soo’s touches - those touches that he desired so much, those touches that made him completely crazy.

But Nam Soon knew that they couldn’t do this, especially in these conditions. Especially when there was even a chance that Heung Soo wouldn’t even remember it in the next day.

Unwillingly, Nam Soon pushed Heung Soo away from him, making him stumble on his own feet and fall over the floor. Nam Soon let a sadly look fall upon Heung Soo, and rushed into the bathroom before he couldn’t stop himself no longer.

Nam Soon locked the door behind him, and slide onto the floor. He used both hands to cover his face as he closed his eyes, trying to control his breathing and maintain his calm again.

"We used to have this under control.

We never thought.

We used to know.

At least there's you, and at least there's me."

When Nam Soon went out of the bathroom, he found Heung Soo sleeping at the corner of his bed.  He approached him slowly and kneeled next to the bed, staring at his cut lips. His eyes were closed and he didn’t show any sign that he was going to be awake soon.

Nam Soon sighed and stood up, grabbing a blanket inside his closet. He used it to cover Heung Soo’s body, and, when he was sure he was already sleeping, he headed back to the couch at the living room with one blanket for himself.

"I used to listen.

You always had just the right thing to say."

When Heung Soo woke up he cursed loudly instantly, his head hurting like hell. Soon, he noticed that he was sleeping at Nam Soon’s bed and that the boy was nowhere to be seen. He stood up and headed back to the kitchen, attracted by the scent of something being cooked. His stomach growled with hunger and he realized he didn’t have dinner last night.

At the kitchen, he saw Nam Soon with his back to the entrance, serving some rice. Heung Soo stomach cried again, but this time it was not because of hunger - but because the memories of what he did last night went back into his mind.

Nam Soon looked back, his eyes falling over Heung Soo.

“How is your head?” he asked, serving two bows of rice and placing them over the balcony.

“Like it’s going to explode,” Heung Soo complained, sitting in front of the table and grabbing the bow of rice that Nam Soon had placed in front of him.

“Why did you drink so much?” Nam Soon  asked, placing one glass of water together with one pill in front of Heung Soo “Take this, it will make you feel better,” He said. It was not the first time Nam Soon had to deal with someone with a hangover so he was kind of used to it.

“Just because...” Heung Soo whispered, taking the pill without question - anything that could make it hurt less was pretty welcome.

“You better rest today,” Nam Soon suggested, starting to eat his own breakfast.

Heung Soo raised his head and studied Nam Soon’s expression, worried.

“Are you going out today?” he asked. He didn’t know what to do if Nam Soon went out with Harry and left him all alone again.

“Don’t have anything planned, why?” Nam Soon asked, curious.

Heung Soo went back to eat, pretending it was just a normal question. He should find something to do with Nam Soon before Harry interfered. Who cared about some headache in this situation? After he almost ruined everything again yesterday, he needed to make out for that. He couldn’t lose Nam Soon again, that’s why he would do whatever it takes to have him by his side. He couldn’t let Harry replace him in Nam Soon’s heart.

“Want to go to the park?” Heung Soo suggested, noticing that a grain of rice was lost at Nam Soon’s cheeks.

“Are you crazy? You said your head would burst,” Nam Soon laughed, shaking his head and smiling lightly.

“It’s not that bad. I guess your pill did make a miracle,” Heung Soo mumbled, shrugging his shoulders.

Nam Soon shook his head again, but didn’t decline the suggestion - that grain of rice still in his cheeks. Heung Soo stared at it, heading to Nam Soon eyes and back into it.

“Aish,” he mumbled, raising his hands and slowly picking it up from Nam Soon’s cheeks. Nam Soon stared back at him, startled by the sudden gesture of intimacy, and couldn’t prevent his face from begin to blush. Heung Soo smiled at the way Nam Soon reacted, but went back to finish his food.

None of them spoke about the incident of last night. Nam Soon knew Heung Soo didn’t intend to really do what he did, and talking about it would do no good for any of them.

"You used to walk with me like

We had nowhere we needed to go,

Nice and slow, to no place in particular."

They arrived at the park on the beginning of the afternoon. It had more people then the usual, probably because of the holydays.

“Roller Coaster?” Nam Soon suggested, pointing it out. Heung Soo’s head exploded only with the thought of going on that with this excruciating headache.

“That line is a bit...” Heung Soo whispered, noticing that they would probably spend one hour on it - not that it was o problem, but he didn’t want to admit that his head was still hurting like hell, since it took some time for Nam Soon to finally believe that he was really okay to go out.

“Holydays,” Nam Soon shrugged.

“We never went there,” Heung Soo pointed out the Ferris wheel. “…And there’s no one on the lines.”

“Of course we never went there... That’s girly!” Nam Soon complained, searching for something in Heung Soo’s expression that demonstrated that he was joking.

Heung Soo shrugged his shoulders and went ahead anyway, almost leaving Nam Soon behind.

“Yah! Let’s go together!” Nam Soon hissed, running to catch him up.

"I used to follow you.

Never really cared where we would go,

Fast or slow, to anywhere at all."

They took their places into one capsule, and Nam Soon instantly looked away from the window when it started going up.

“This is too slow...” Nam Soon complained, placing his hand over his thigh. Heung Soo stared at him in silence, and his attention fell at Nam Soon’s hand, when he slowly remembered that time he wished that Nam Soon was there with him.

And, just for a moment, he decided to forget that just friends deal. Just for this one moment, he wanted to show Nam Soon his feelings. Just one simple action of care that he should have showed when they were still together, but didn’t.

“Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night”

Hesitantly, Heung Soo touched Nam Soon’s hand, and held it gently. Nam Soon was looking away from the window and stared back at Heung Soo, startled by the sudden touch. Heung Soo turned his head back to the window, too embarrassed to face Nam Soon, but didn’t release his hand.

“And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you”

Nam Soon bit his own lips and looked back at their hands. Heung Soo’s hand was so soft and warm, that he didn’t want to let it go anymore. He held it back and looked away from the window again, also wishing to forget everything just for this moment.

"When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.

We used to have this figured out;

We used to breathe without a doubt."

It was already night when they arrived home, and none of them spoke anything about what happened at the ferries wheel. Both of them understood it wasn’t something they should talk about.

Heung Soo was seated at the couch, waiting for Nam Soon - they were going to watch one movie that they rented before arriving home. Nam Soon came back from his bath and seated beside Heung Soo over the couch, turning the television on. His hair was still wet, and the towel placed at his neck.

“Yah, you’ll get sick,” Heung Soo complained. Nam Soon was too busy starting the movie that he didn’t bother to look back at Heung Soo. So, without warning, Heung Soo got that towel from his neck and started to gently dry Nam Soon’s hair, just like he did before, when they were still together. Nam Soon bit his lips, but remained still, watching as the movie started playing and pretended to don’t be moved by Heung Soo’s sudden change in attitudes. He has been too gentle today, and Nam Soon wondered if it was his way to apologize for what he did yesterday. His hearth flustered, not knowing how to react to those sudden attitudes. How to pretend it was nothing, when he felt his hearth warmer than ever, wishing they could always be like that - without needing to worry about anything else anymore.

"You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around,

The only one around."

It’s been one hour since the movie started, and they were watching it in silence. It ended up not being a good movie at all, so Heung Soo looked at Nam Soon, intending to suggest them to stop watching it, but realized that he had already fallen asleep. His head was falling to the front and he looked completely uncomfortable. Heung Soo reached out for his cheeks, and rested his head over his shoulders, without looking away from his pretty face. Suddenly, Nam Soon slowly opened his eyes and was surprised to find Heung Soo so close, but remained still without noticing that he held his breath.

“Can I do this? Just today...” Heung Soo whispered, approaching his face. Even though it was a question, Heung Soo didn’t wait for Nam Soon to answer it, and gently touched his lips with his own.

It was a gentle and delicate kiss, where their lips moved slowly, felling the taste of each other, felling the warmth they missed so much.

And, unwillingly, Heung Soo backed away, not facing Nam Soon. He couldn’t, because if he did it, he felt like he might start to cry. Nam Soon, too, bit his own lips and looked back at the movie, even though he was not paying any attention to it. All he could think right now was the feeling of Heung Soo’s lips, and how much he wished he could hold him right now - how much he wanted to be with him, how he wanted things to change.

"Look around you.

It's empty, and you're sad

'Cause you miss the love that we had."

When Heung Soo went back to Nam Soon’s home after having dinner with his sister the next day, he was upset to not find him there. He rushed to grab his phone, hoping he would be working.

Please don’t be with Harry, Heung Soo thought over and over. He hoped that Nam Soon wouldn’t want to go out with him anymore.

“Are you working?” Heung Soo sent him a message, trying to remain calm.

It took a couple minutes for his answer to come.

“I’m with Harry. I’ll be going home soon.”

Heung Soo stared at it for a while, his mind floating from all kinds of thoughts, from the realization that after all, nothing had changed. They were just friends. He screwed up everything a long time ago, and it was too late.

 “Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call”

Nam Soon put his cell phone back into his pocket after sending the message and stood up, glancing at Harry that was seated at his side.

“I have to go,” Nam Soon whispered. Harry looked back at him, and for some seconds he had the impression that he looked disappointed. But it lasted only a couple of seconds and he gave him back his usual smile.

“Why? Your friend is calling?” He asked, and Nam Soon stood there glancing at him. He just realized he didn’t like the word friend anymore. The way he said it, looked like it was nothing - like it wasn’t important, like it was nothing more than that and like they were really just friends. “Okay, I’ll take you,” Harry said, without waiting for his answer and standing up to get his coat, close to the front door.

“You don’t need to, I can take the bus,” Nam Soon honestly said, but Harry shook his head. “I insist. Besides, I have something that I need to tell you,” he said that last sentence without looking at Nam Soon in the eyes, and the boy turned his head to the side with a questioning expression. But Harry opened the door without saying anything else and waited until Nam Soon left first.

The way back home was unusually silent. Harry wasn’t saying anything, and Nam Soon couldn’t avoid noticing that something was off since he was always the talkative one. But he preferred to maintain the silence and remained like that until they arrived at Nam Soon’s house.

Even though Harry said he needed to tell him something, he remained silent after he parked in front of the house, and since he didn’t show any signs that he was going to talk, Nam Soon just thanked the ride and left the car, wondering why he was suddenly acting so weird.

But when he was taking his way into the entrance he heard the door of the car closing behind him and Harry called him loudly. Nam Soon looked back, and saw Harry approaching him, with that smile back into his face. But, this time, he seemed a little hesitant for some reason.

“Do you remember when I asked you to help me find a different ending to my story?” He asked, afraid to stare at Nam Soon in the eyes, but doing so at the end.

Nam Soon didn’t understand what he meant by that, so he limited himself to just turn his head to the side, like he was asking for some explanation.

“Can I ask you again?”

Nam Soon shook his head, still without understand what Harry meant by that.

“What? I don’t…” Nam Soon whispered.

“If you help me, I can help you find a different ending for your story too,” Harry interrupted him, biting his lips to control his anxiety.

“What do you mean?” Nam Soon questioned, confused. Then, Harry leaned forward, touching Nam Soon’s lips with his own.

"I used to reach for you when

I got lost along the way."

A bow of ramen fell to the ground inside Nam Soon’s house, and the food spilled all over the floor. The window was open by just a small gap that Heung Soo used to watch whose car was parked in front of Nam Soon’s house. The frame by which Heung Soo saw those two guys - by which Heung Soo saw Nam Soon kissing another guy.

He swallowed dry, turning his back to them. He couldn’t see it any longer. He couldn’t stand it any longer.

His Nam Soon was kissing someone else, his Nam Soon found someone else - the Nam Soon that wasn’t his anymore. The Nam Soon he lost.

"We used to have this figured out;

We used to breathe without a doubt."

Heung Soo backed away from the window, and rushed to the bathroom where he locked himself inside. After some minutes, he could hear the entrance door closing, and he had to hold his breath. Nam Soon had probably arrived, but he couldn’t see him right now.

He didn’t want Nam Soon to see him, because he knew he was about to cry, but crying didn’t seem enough anymore. He lost him - he lost him, and that thought couldn’t leave his mind.

He turned the shower on, and went inside of it without worrying about his clothes. He was crying, and he didn’t want Nam Soon to hear him. Nam Soon couldn’t hear him.

Heung Soo placed his hands at the wall in front of him as he looked down, the tears getting lost on his face along with the hot water from the shower.

It was his fault. Harry, that knew Nam Soon for so little time, managed to do the thing that Heung Soo couldn’t do. And that was what was hurting him the most - Harry didn’t love Nam Soon like Heung Soo did, because no one would ever love him as much as he did. But, even so, he kissed him there. He didn’t care if there were people watching. - he only cared about him and Nam Soon.

Exactly the thing Nam Soon had asked him to do and he didn’t. Heung Soo didn’t lose Nam Soon for Harry - he lost Nam Soon for his fear. And only after he lost him was that he realized how stupid he had been - how coward he had been.

But, was it too late now? Was it too late to get him back?

"Can we get this back?

Can we get this back to how it used to be?"

Heung Soo headed back to the kitchen, his clothes were all soaked but he couldn’t care less. Nam Soon had his back to the door, while he washed some dishes at the sink - probably the one Heung Soo had spilled over the floor.

He approached him slowly, and before Nam Soon could notice his presence, he held him tightly against his body. Nam Soon was surprised by the sudden movement, and looked at Heung Soo’s arms that were holding him at his waist.

“Heung Soo? What happened, you’re all wet…” Nam Soon whispered with his voice almost without leaving his throat.

“Please…” Heung Soo murmured, holding on his sobbing, but unable to hold the tear that dripped down his cheeks. “Please, don’t stop loving me,” before Nam Soon could answer him, Heung Soo held him even tightly, his face falling over Nam Soon’s neck.

“I need you.”

“Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go”

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(UPDATE 2014/12 : Chapter last edited and revised on this current date)

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