“And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all”

Nam Soon felt as if his world had just collapsed when he saw the look in his father’s eyes. In them, there was not just disappointment... It was a look he never saw before. Was it disgust? Hate?

It was just like his father had seen someone he didn’t know. Nam Soon just couldn’t tell. He felt like a bucket of ice had been thrown over him, and something inside him was clogging up his throat and he couldn’t speak anymore. The words wouldn’t come out even if he wanted them to.

He looked over at Heung Soo beside him in his underwear, the sweat still on his body. And that was the first time he didn’t like to see him that way. That was the first time he wished Heung Soo wasn’t there.

Heung Soo’s eyes meet Nam Soon’s, and he also felt that disturbing mass in his throat. Nam Soon’s lips formed the words go, but no sound came out from them. But no sound was needed. In fact he didn’t even need to say it because his eyes said it all. His eyes were telling Heung Soo that he didn’t want him there.

“What is happening here? “ Nam Soon’s dad finally spoke, and Nam Soon felt like falling in a dark hole bellow his feet. He wished he could disappear along with Heung Soo. He was embarrassed. For the first time, he was embarrassed to be with Heung Soo. Even in those times when his classmates bullied him, whenever they would call him , he had never felt this way.

But now with the way his father was staring at him, he was embarrassed. He felt like he had just made the worst thing in his life and he was embarrassed of his love for Heung Soo.

He watched as the older boy returned to the bedroom and put on his pants. He grabbed his bag and school shirt and left the room, slowly but with longer steps until he left the house. He wanted to look back at Nam Soon and send him a reassuring smile, but he couldn’t do it. Because he didn’t feel assured. And, also, he didn’t want to face that again.

“I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would have followed you”

He didn’t really want to leave. He was afraid to leave. But with the way Nam Soon stared at him he knew he couldn’t stay. He knew Nam Soon and his dad needed to talk alone, but what if that was not the right time? Maybe if they talked tomorrow, when he had some time to think it over - maybe that would be better?

But he knew he was just fooling himself. After what Go Myeong Suk saw - he and Nam Soon only in their underwear, sweat all over their bodies, and that undeniable smell of , which hopefully he didn’t notice because of the alcohol - there were just no way Nam Soon could make some excuse and talk some other time. Not with the way his father was looking at him.

But, that stare… That was what was worrying him the most.

When they were young, even before they joined the gang - when they were still just elementary school kids - There were days Nam Soon would appear with some bruises and he would tell him that he fell. Other days he would appear at Heung Soo’s house and ask him to spend the night there, but Heung Soo would wake up during the dawn and hear him crying.

He knew his father was hitting him. He knew it when Nam Soon would sleep behind his bed, cowering and trembling. He knew that when Nam Soon started hitting those kids, that he was just returning the violence he received at home. Just like Jung Ho, Nam Soon was that type of kid. That’s why he was always there with him.

When Nam Soon got older, the violence stopped. Nam Soon managed to figure out when his dad was drunk before something could happen. Those days, he would leave and stay at Heung Soo’s house for some days. But today Nam Soon couldn’t leave.

Go Myeong Suk saw what happened. From the look in his eyes, he knew perfectly well what he just saw.

And Heung Soo couldn’t avoid thinking… What If he heard something from the outside? What if he had arrived ten minutes early, neither Nam Soon nor him would even hear the door opening, then what could have happened?

Every kind of thoughts came to his mind, every scenario of what could be happening to Nam Soon at this moment came to his mind.

He should stay close and wait for them, but what if Nam Soon’s dad saw him? What if they stayed there overnight? He knew Nam Soon had to go to work, but there was still the possibility that he wouldn’t even think about it anymore.

He put on his school shirt and held his cell phone tightly. Nam Soon would probably call when it was over, and when he did it he had to answer him right away.

Unwillingly and after thinking it over a thousand times, he headed home. His heart was still beating fast when he arrived, his body colder than ever, the worry building up inside him like never before.

“And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl”

Joo Mi was sitting at the couch reading a book when he arrived. He intended to get on his room right away but she noticed him before he could reach it.

“What happened?” She asked, dropping the book beside her. He sighed. He just couldn’t hide his feeling from her. Whenever he was too happy, too sad, too worried- she would always notice it.

“What he did again?” She hissed, and he really felt like reaching for his room and ignoring her, but he couldn’t leave it like that.

Not now that she was finally accepting Nam Soon again. He couldn’t ignore her and let her think wrong things about him, making every good thing she might have thought of him the last few days go downfall.

He stopped on his way and didn’t look at her. He couldn’t look at his sister while he was about to kind of lie to her.

“Nam Soon’s dad came home a bit drunk... And I had to leave, but I’m worried.”

Joo Mi was there in those days that his mother would take care of Nam Soon when he appeared filled with bruises. So she would understand him. Even though she was younger at that time, there was no way she could have forgotten about that.

“He will be okay, he is not a kid anymore,” she assured, and Heung Soo just nodded.

But he was not assured. Not even a bit.

He lay over the bed in his bedroom and held his cell phone, staring intensely at it while he waited for the phone call. A phone call that never came. It was already late - past the time Nam Soon should go to work, and he decided to send him a message.

“How are you?” Heung Soo sent him, and waited. He didn’t know how long he waited, but Nam Soon didn’t write back.

He didn’t want to call. He wanted Nam Soon to call him, to look for him, but why wasn’t he? What could have happened?

He dialed Nam Soon’s user and called either way, but his cell phone was turned off.

Should he go to his house? But what if things got even worse?

Heung Soo was lost, the anxiety building up inside him. He was afraid. He needed to see Nam Soon, he needed to talk to him and make sure he was okay. If at least he knew where he would start working, he could go and see him there, but he didn’t even have the time to ask him.

Lying over his bed, Heung Soo spent the rest of the night waiting, but neither a message nor a phone call came.

The time passed and he didn’t realize it was already time to go to school.

Heung Soo legs where light when he stood up, his hands cold and his heart pressing inside his chest. He would rush to school and wait for Nam Soon there.

He tried calling again but his phone was still off - maybe he ran out of battery and went to work - Heung Soo tried his best to make himself believe it, but he couldn’t. Why didn’t Nam Soon send at least one message?

He arrived earlier at school, since he couldn’t sleep all night, and waited inside the classroom impatiently. The time stopped running, he reached out to his phone to see the time or if any response came. But each minute for him felt like long hours. Each student that passed through the door would make his heart beat faster with expectation but it was never Nam Soon.

The teacher arrived and still there was no sign of Nam Soon. He tried sending him another message bellow his desk.

“Aren’t you coming? Call me”

But to be honest he didn’t have his hopes up that Nam Soon would appear. He was already cursing himself for leaving. He should have stayed. He should have been less emotional and found out some excuse for the scene even though no plausible excuse would come even now. But he should have done something.

He shouldn’t have listened to Nam Soon. Even when that look he gave him was still engraved in his mind, he should have stayed. Even if Nam Soon would hate him for it.

Heung Soo spent the whole morning with his cell phone tightly on his hands, but nothing came. He tried calling Nam Soon again but his phone was still turned off.

Why, he thought to himself, why don’t you call me? Wouldn’t Nam Soon want to talk to him if things got bad or worse? He thought they had each other. But now he didn’t know what to think.

When the class bell finally rang, he rushed out of class. He would go to Nam Soon’s home. He didn’t mind his father. He needed to talk to him, to see if he was okay.

Every possibility of what he might say if Myeong Suk picked up the door rushed in his mind, but he didn’t have a clue of what to do if that happened.

Would he send him away? Would he be making things worse by going there? He knew he probably was, but he didn’t care. He was too worried to care.

He arrived at Nam Soon’s home after some blocks, and his legs suddenly froze at the sight of it. He couldn’t move. He stared at the closed door in front of him like it was much more than a door. Like it was a big wall separating him from Nam Soon.

What if Nam Soon didn’t want to see him now? Maybe he needed some time?

And then, suddenly it came to mind… What if it was him and his sister? What if she had entered the house in those conditions? What if she said horrible things to him? How would that feel?

That was one scenario he couldn’t picture. He had no clue of what he would do in those conditions. But maybe, just maybe, he too wouldn’t want to see Nam Soon for some days?

That was even harder to picture. He would probably go to Nam Soon if something like that happened to him. If he didn’t, who else would he run to? Other than his sister, Nam Soon was his only family. So even if he couldn’t picture how he would react, one thing he knew - that he would look for Nam Soon. So, wouldn’t Nam Soon feel the same?

Reassured, he hit the door, waiting for a response. He waited for Nam Soon, or even his father telling him to leave, but neither of them answered the door. He knocked one more time, and still no response - nothing, not even a sound came from the inside.

He tried calling Nam Soon’s cell phone again, but it was still turned off.

“Nam Soon?” he called him, even though it was not so loud. “Go Nam Soon?”

But no one came. No matter how many times he would ring, no one would pick it up, because there was no one at home.

“I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would have followed you”

Heung Soo had no clue of how he managed to go home after that. He had no clue of how he even managed to walk.

Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe Nam Soon was just too busy with work. But that also didn’t make any sense to him. Nam Soon should call him at least.

His heart didn’t know where to go, his mind couldn’t focus properly, and just like four years ago, he felt alone. He felt hopeless, like Nam Soon had left him again. It was different from the night they fought months ago, because this time it was like that day Nam Soon left. Like that day where he wanted to know why - why he was not there? Why didn’t he go looking for him? Did he hate him? He didn’t want to see him anymore? He didn’t know. He didn’t even know if Nam Soon was okay - if he was hurt. Heung Soo was lost.

His sister was not home when he arrived, and he was relieved. He didn’t feel like he could answer anything she could ask him. He didn’t want to say he had no news of Nam Soon because that would make it a reality.

He didn’t want to.

He dropped down over the bed with his cell phone by his side, and closed his eyes.

“Nam Soon, where are you?” he managed to whisper before blacking out.

…

When Heung Soo woke up it was already dark outside. He felt lost for some seconds and sat down. He had become so tired but he didn’t even realize it. He was so worried that he couldn’t feel it.

His heart beat accelerated when he remembered about Nam Soon, and he picked up his phone that was still dropped over the bed.

His heart was almost spit out of his mouth when he saw a notification of a new message and two missed calls in his phone history. And he felt like he could breathe again, because they were from Nam Soon.

“Sorry, run out of battery. I’m okay.”

Just that. It was just that little phrase. But, what did he mean by okay?

Without waiting any minute, he called Nam Soon right away. It took some time for him to finally pick up, and he didn’t know he could feel so relieved after just listening to Nam Soon’s voice.

“I was worried,” Heung Soo said before even responding to Nam Soon’s greetings.

“I’m sorry, I tried to call but you didn’t pick up,” Nam Soon answered, his voice a little raspy.

“I fell asleep. Didn’t sleep at night,” Heung Soo murmured, holding the cell phone so tightly that he felt his hands starting to sweat. “Why didn’t you go to school?”

The phone went silent for some time, he could hear only Nam Soon’s breathe and he thought about asking him again when the younger boy finally spoke.

“I slept over time... Guess I didn’t sleep too.”

“…What happened?” Heung Soo questioned and he didn’t feel like he needed to explain. It was supposed to be implicit that he was talking about his father, and he was glad Nam Soon understood.

“It was okay. He got some alcohol and left,” Nam Soon mumbled.

But something was off. He knew Nam Soon pretty well. He knew when he was not being honest, and even if they were under the phone, he could tell. He was not even mentioning the case that it couldn’t have gone okay - not after the way Myeong Suk was staring at Nam Soon. Even if that was not the case, he knew from the way Nam Soon spoke those words - by the guilty tone they left his lips.

But that was not the right place to talk about it.

“Can I come over?” Heung Soo asked, and it didn’t take even a second for the response to come:

“I’m leaving for work,” Nam Soon apologized. But that was not a problem, because Heung Soo could wait.

“I can wait at your home,” Heung Soo said, already standing up ready to leave.

“It will take long... I was asked to stay later today. We can talk tomorrow,” Nam Soon rushed to say and Heung Soo stood still. “I have to go or I’ll be late, talk later.”

And the phone call was turned off.

Nam Soon purposely didn’t wait for Heung Soo’s response. He was lying. Heung Soo could tell that he was lying, and that was when he knew. That was when he realized that things weren’t okay. Why was he hiding it from him? Didn’t he trust him enough to talk to him? Heung Soo couldn’t understand. Part of him was relieved to hear Nam Soon’s voice, but the other part was even more worried than before.

Heung Soo dropped himself over the bed again. He knew this would be another night that he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

“And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye”

It was early again when he reached school on the next day. Because of course he couldn’t sleep again. His mind was agonizing over what happened - over the worries that were building inside him.

He hoped he would be able to see Nam Soon at school and talk about it. Make him tell him what happened with his father.

But once again Nam Soon didn’t come. He called him at the end of the class, and was a little relieved that Nam Soon picked it up this time.

“Nam Soon?” Heung Soo called before Nam Soon could even properly pick it up.

“Hi,” Nam Soon simply said it, like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t spent the last days drowning in worry.

“Where are you? You skipped class again.”

“I know, I was tired from work and couldn’t wake up,” Nam Soon whispered and Heung Soo sighed in response.

“I told you, your shift is too late, it’s not healthy.”

“I’ll get used to it…” Nam Soon answered and he knew something was wrong again.

He had to go see him but he couldn’t tell him because he was worried that he might make another excuse. Heung Soo couldn’t endure another day like this.

He didn’t bother to go home first and left school straight to Nam Soon’s house. He hoped he was just overreacting. Maybe it was really the work.

But a big part of him knew it wasn’t just that. He knew something had happened. How couldn’t it? Nam Soon’s father would never accept a gay son so easily like that. He wouldn’t, because the society they lived on wasn’t like that.

He arrived at Nam Soon’s home, and just like the other day, he rushed to ring the doorbell and waited. He waited 10 minute, 20 minutes... And he didn’t hear anything again.

Pulling a step away from the door, he tripped into something at the ground. And there was a stack with three newspapers throw in front of Nam Soon’s door. He picked up one of them and it dated the day before.

It hasn’t been picked up since yesterday. The newspaper from today was at its side.

A cold shiver struck through his body and that was when he realized it...

Nam Soon’s hasn’t been home. He didn’t come home.

But where was him, if not home? He didn’t have anywhere else to go.

His heart was pounding, and without knowing what else to do, he called Nam Soon again.

But it wasn’t Nam Soon that picked it up this time. It was a male voice he never heard before. He checked his phone again to confirm it was the correct number, and it certainly was. But the person talking to him was, by all means, not Nam Soon.

“Who is talking?” Heung Soo hissed. The voice wasn’t old enough to be from Nam Soon’s father. Who could possibly have answered Nam Soon’s phone?

“It’s Heung Soo?” The voice asked from the other side of the line. Of course he knew it was him since Nam Soon had his name saved, so until now there was nothing new about this fact.

“Yes, who is talking? Where is Nam Soon?” Heung Soo asked again, a cold breeze making him shiver.

There was some silence on the other side of the phone for some seconds - that felt long enough to be minutes.

“It’s Harry. Nam Soon is at my house.”

“Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something”

[/CONTENTID3]

[CONTENTID4]

(UPDATE 2014/12 : Chapter last edited and revised on this current date)

Omg! It's been so long since I last uploaded a chapter so soon from the other.... But yeah... this one was a lot shorter... I knew it would be that's why I wrote it soon, since it would be short I couldn't let you wait so long for it... Anyway, hope you like it! :) Also I made a cover picture for the chapters... i was planning to do it before but was really lazy about it... xD but finally did it!

Special thanks to:
- Yoselin (tumblr: stormpiece.tumblr.com.br), that reviewed this chapter.

- Woobiesaurus.tumblr.com.br that found out Nam Soon's dad's name for me in ep 8 :)

- KiiSimplyMe on YouTube that introduced me to this song. (Even though it was for a fanvideo and she probably doesn't read the fanfic xD)

[/CONTENTID4]