“I need some time just deliver the things that i need for now”

Heung Soo didn’t remember how he got home that night, but, when he realized, he was already inside. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to his sister, so he went straight to his room. But she noticed his eyes, swollen from his previous crying, so she followed him before he could close the door.

“Heung Soo, what happened?” she asked, pausing a little, trying to study his face before he entered his room.  “Was it Nam Soon again?” she asked, trying to make him look back into her eyes.

But Heung Soo just sighed in annoyance before he closed the door on her face.

It was not Nam Soon. It was him. He was the responsible one. This time, Heung Soo was the one that ripped it all apart.

He fell to the floor, leaning against it.  His tears were just falling again.

Once again, he was all alone in his empty room. Once again, he lost the most important person in his life.

Right over his desk, he could see the frame of a photograph. Slowly, he stood up and reached for it. It was that picture they took last year, when they went to eat ramen together because of that poetry lesson. Nam Soon was smiling widely in it. He could see all the happiness that smile showed.

The smile he took away from his face. The smile he would never see again.

Without releasing the photograph, Heung Soo sat on his bed, fingers rubbing over Nam Soon’s face in the picture. A teardrop fell on the glass of that frame. He closed his eyes, drowning in his own sobs.

“I’m sorry, Nam Soon-ah…” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Everything that I feel is like a warm deep calm casting over me

And it's taking me to somewhere new”

It had been a week since Heung Soo had stopped going to school. He just couldn’t. He didn’t have the courage to face Nam Soon. He was afraid - afraid that Nam Soon would tell him that they wouldn’t see each other again. Even though he knew this would only make it worse. Nam Soon didn’t say anything to him, but, even so, he wasn’t seeing Nam Soon. Just like Nam Soon did years ago.

When Heung Soo woke up that morning, he made up his mind that he would go to class. He was sure he wouldn’t have the courage to talk to Nam Soon, but, at least, he would be able to see his face. And he already missed him so much even though it had been only one week.

Nam Soon was looking away from the window when Heung Soo arrived in class that morning. Heung Soo wanted so much to talk to him, but he couldn’t.

Just like him, Nam Soon seemed devastated, like he’d been through a rough week. And Heung Soo felt so guilty about it that a hole started to form inside him, and it would only grow bigger.

He didn’t even have the right to be sorry. Because there’s nothing he could say. Nothing he could bring himself to say.

He walked to his seat right before teacher Jung started the class. Apparently, she would hand to everyone a questionnaire about their future. Exactly like she had done the previous year.

Nam Soon stared at those blank spaces on the paper again. And the exact same questions looked back at him - looking for his widest memory and his greater pain.

 “What’s your dream?”

Some weeks ago, he would just smile at this question and proudly write “spend my life with Heung Soo.”

Because that was his dream. To open a ramen place together. Or to open those PC rooms so they could spend all the day playing video games, just like last holiday. And those memories just crushed him.

Right now, it was not only about spending the day playing. He wanted to be with Heung Soo forever. His dream, even though he didn’t clearly thought about it before… was to be a family with Heung Soo. To love him and be loved back, until they grow old. And that’s how he realized he was becoming one empty shell again. Without Heung Soo, without his future, without his dreams.

So, just like last year, he grabbed his pen and wrote:

“I have none.”

“Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well

Since the last time that we spoke, you said

‘Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello’."

Heung Soo stared at the empty paper. Only one thing came to mind when he read those questions: Nam Soon. Nam Soon was the answer of all of them.

“Why do you come to school?”

“What’s your dream?”

Four years ago, he would proudly write “to be a professional soccer player.”

Three years ago, even though he didn’t admit it at the time, he could say it was “to see Nam Soon again.”

Not to have his leg back. Not to play soccer again. Just… to be friends with Nam Soon again. To find someone like Nam Soon. To find Nam Soon.

In the beginning of this year, he would have written… to open a store with Nam Soon? Maybe a ramen place? Because Nam Soon said his ramen was the best. That would be nice.

To live like that with Nam Soon. That was his dream. But right now it wasn’t that. Right now, his dream was Nam Soon, just Nam Soon. He was his reason, he was his everything.

“Don't let me down

You know, i still can't believe we both did some things

I don't even want to think about”

Heung Soo was barely aware of the time passing, and just like that another week had gone by. He was still devastated, going to school and coming back home, barely talking, without any purpose. His mind locked on that one thought - Nam Soon.

They didn’t speak in the last week. Didn’t matter how much Heung Soo wanted to, he just couldn’t. He didn’t have the courage.

On the last night they spoke, Nam Soon left without saying anything about what they would do. He didn’t say he didn’t want to see him anymore. He didn’t ask Heung Soo not speak to him again.

But now, Heung Soo was too scared he would. He was scared Nam Soon would just ignore him. He was scared they would break up for good.

Even though they weren’t speaking, Heung Soo still had that little hope to hold on to.

He came home early that Friday. He had an extra class today but he decided to skip it when he saw Nam Soon leaving. He had no point in staying if Nam Soon wouldn’t be there.

His sister saw her brother coming early, but, once again he barely said hello. Heung Soo didn’t need to tell her, because she knew it was Nam Soon. Again.

The last time she had seen Heung Soo like that was in the days after he came home from the hospital four years ago. Back then, she thought it was about his leg. About soccer. But now she understood.

Heung Soo was lonely, because he didn’t have his friend beside him. It’s not that she despised Nam Soon… But she just couldn’t accept him hurting his brother like that again. She was worried about Heung Soo. He needed someone else. Someone that would make him realize that Nam Soon wasn’t the only person in his world.

She was thinking about that, when she heard Heung Soo’s phone ringing, and, without thinking, she picked it up. It was a girl voice.

After a brief talk, she turned it off, smiling. That was exactly what Heung Soo needed right now.

Some minutes later, Heung Soo came out of the bathroom. His sister was making some soup with rice for them.

“Someone called,” she said.

 Heung Soo turned back to look at her, anxious. It was Nam Soon. It must be… Since he only received calls from him.

“It was a girl,” she continued. Heung Soo immediately felt the disappointment hurting deep into his chest.

“I told her you would call,” she insisted, noticing that Heung Soo wasn’t the least bit excited about it. “Aren’t you calling her?” she asked, but Heung Soo just ignored it, picking up the bowl she just served him.

After putting the plate in front of him, she took out Heung Soo’s cellphone and tapped in the number, holding it up to Heung Soo right after.

“I can’t stand looking at you like this day after day. Call this girl, ask her out,” she ordered, handing him the phone forcefully.

Heung Soo barely had the time to pick up the phone when a girl voice spoke on the other side.

… Heung Soo thought, forcing a fake smile for his sister.

“Heung Soo?” the voice on the other side asked him. “It’s Shi Won, remember me? Yi Kyung’s friend…”

“Yeah,” Heung Soo answered. He wasn’t in any mood to talk, but his sister’s expression at him made him force a smile once again. “Yes, of course I remember you,” he said, with a mocking smile to his sister, who stared at him threateningly.

“I don’t want to bother you but… Are you busy today?” Shi Won asked, and Heung Soo understood immediately that he wouldn’t be able to avoid it this time.

“No, I’m not,” he said at last.

He knew his sister was worried about him. He knew she wasn’t really doing it on purpose. But… . Couldn’t she just leave him alone? Now he would have to go out with that girl because of her.

He just wanted to spend the rest of the day locked inside his room. He wasn’t in the mood to go out, much less to go out with a girl that clearly wanted him to be her boyfriend.

He quickly finished his lunch and went back to his room to grab his stuff before leaving. They had appointed their meeting one hour from now, so it was still early. He would just enjoy the time he had left to take a walk and think about things.

It’s not like he was anxious to meet her or something like that, it’s just that he didn’t really want to see his sister’s face.

He arrived early at the amusement park they arranged to meet. She chose the place - it was a park near Nam Soon’s home. They went there a couple of times that holiday. This thought made Heung Soo feel that empty hole in his chest again.

Shi Won arrived a couple of minutes later. Apparently, she was really cute, since some guys in a group nearby stared at her when she entered the park. But Heung Soo didn’t notice.

Because, right now, he was seeing Nam Soon. Seeing the day they spent together at this park. Nam Soon was the boy in the group beside him, Nam Soon was the man in the rollercoaster line, the man buying tickets at the entrance. Nam Soon was everywhere. In his mind, it was Nam Soon smiling at him, meeting him for another afternoon at the park. For their first date.

Yeah… a date. He realized they never had a proper date. But how could they? Heung Soo couldn’t hold his hand. He was ashamed to hold his hand in public, so how could they possibly have a date?

“All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now”

“Hi,” she said shyly. Heung Soo awaked from his thoughts and forced a smile.

He followed her through the park, passing right past the roller coaster.

“Want to get on?” he asked, pointing it out.

“Oh, no, I’m scared of roller coasters,” she admitted, making a negative sign with her hands. Heung Soo laughed at her answer.

“I came here a few times this holiday. Nam Soon made me go into the roller coaster more than ten times. At the end I wasn’t even feeling anxious anymore.”

“Nam Soon?” she asked curiously. Heung Soo felt his heart slowly dying. He didn’t mean to talk about Nam Soon. It just came involuntarily.

“…Just a friend” he mumbled, thinking about something to quickly change the subject, and decided to take her to another attraction. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Ferris wheel?” she suggested. Heung Soo just nodded and followed silently. The line was not so long, and soon they were taking their seats inside one capsule.

“I think this is the only ride I didn’t go on before,” Heung Soo whispered, looking down at the people on the ground. It would be nice to come with Nam Soon. To be alone with Nam Soon there, where he wouldn’t need to hide. There, where no one could see them. He could hold his hand there.

“Really? So you came to this park a lot?” she asked.

“A few times… don’t know… maybe three or four?” Heung Soo said, without looking away from the people down there.

“You live nearby?” Shi Won curiously asked.

“Nam Soon does. Five blocks from here,” he blurted out. Nam Soon again.

“You came together all of those times?”

“Yeah,” Heung Soo whispered. He didn’t know why he always came back to talk about Nam Soon. Probably because he was all he could think about?

Shi Won talked to him during the entire ferris wheel ride. Heung Soo answered her with few words, most of them about Nam Soon. He didn’t mean to, but the words just came out like that. Shi Won didn’t mind though, on the contrary, she continued to ask him about Nam Soon, making him realize how he was talking about him once again, and instantly tried to change the subject.

Heung Soo didn’t realize how much time passed, probably an hour and a half, when they were already on the streets outside the park. Suddenly, they walked right past the ramen shop he and Nam Soon always eat in when Heung Soo didn’t make the ramen himself.

The smell made a lot of feelings come back like fire inside.

“Do you want some ramen?” he suggested, taking a glance at her, and she shyly nodded her head in acceptance.

They sat towards the back of the shop, away from the usual spot where he and Nam Soon always sat at. He didn’t want to make this even more painful, since he had already cursed himself the moment they entered the shop and the familiar smell became stronger, bringing back a lot of memories.

The waiter soon served the bowls of ramen they ordered, but, before going away, he smiled at Heung Soo.

“Your brother didn’t come this time?” he asked, realizing that Nam Soon was not with him this time.

It took Heung Soo a while to realize he was talking to him, and, when he did, memories of Nam Soon complaining about this mistake came back.

“He’s not my brother,” Heung Soo whispered, picking some ramen with his chopsticks. He thought about the just friends excuse, but, this time, he decided not to use it.

Nam Soon was not his brother. Nam Soon was not just a friend.

The waiter didn’t answer, and left them alone. Heung Soo almost forgot Shi Won was with him, because he was too lost in his thoughts again.

“You two came here too?”

“All the time. At least when I’m not making ramen for him. Nam Soon really loves eating this stuff,” Heung Soo smiled for the first time at the thought of Nam Soon. But it was not a happy smile. It was a sad smile, full of memories, pain, and regret.

“You two seems to be really close. You must really like him,” she commented, before eating one portion of her ramen. “I would like to meet him,” she smiled.

Heung Soo’s smile vanished in seconds after those words.

“We are not really talking these days,” he mumbled, still without taking a sip of his own plate.

“Why?”

“We had a fight,” he whispered, not wanting to talk about it, and looking elsewhere, afraid he would start sobbing right there. The smell of the place was not helping at all.

“Well maybe you should apologize. It’s rare to see a friendship like yours. You shouldn’t fight, I can see you miss him,” she said, as Heung Soo finally started eating his ramen, trying to avoid answering that. But the taste of the hot pepper he was so used to made it so hard that he couldn’t control it anymore. He wanted Nam Soon with him right now.

He needed Nam Soon. He missed him so much.

“I’m sorry…” Heung Soo said rapidly, standing up. Shi Won seemed surprised at his sudden movement but didn’t have the time to say anything - Heung Soo paid for the two bowls of ramen and went out of the store, quickening his steps.

All he could think about right now was Nam Soon, of how much he missed him, of how he couldn’t stand being without him anymore.

Before he realized it, he was already running up to Nam Soon’s house. He didn’t care that he was almost crying, he didn’t care when he bumped on the people at the streets and didn’t have the time to apologize to them.

He didn’t care about these other people. All he cared about right now was Nam Soon.

“Just say you love me and I’ll say "I’m sorry,

I don't want anybody else to feel this way"

This time, he wasn’t going to hesitate to enter that door. But, this time, he didn’t bring the keys. Without worrying about anything, he started slamming his fists on the door in front of him. He felt the wet path of tears running down his face, but he didn’t mind it.

It took a couple of minutes for the door to finally open.

And there was Nam Soon. There was the boy he was missing all this time. Standing in front of him was Heung Soo’s dream.

Nam Soon stared at Heung Soo with those sad and hurtful eyes. But he didn’t have the time to ask anything, he didn’t have time to even tell Heung Soo to go away.

Because Heung Soo pulled him to his chest, holding him in a desperate embrace. He was holding him so tight, his face buried into his neck. The scent of Nam Soon filling his nose, making him lose it. How much he missed that scent, his warm body and his embrace.

“If you believe that everything's alright

You won't be all alone tonight

And I’d be blessed by the light of your company,

Slowly lifting me to somewhere new”

It was the sound of steps from inside the house approaching them that made Heung Soo pull away from Nam Soon. And like that his heart jumped into his chest. Nam Soon’s dad was standing at the kitchen door, facing both of them. Nam Soon slowly turned away, facing his father, but he didn’t seem to care like Heung Soo did.

“Dad… you remember Heung Soo, right?” he whispered. Nam Soon’s dad just nodded at Heung Soo, who nodded back after wiping away the tears on his own face before Nam Soon’s father could notice them.

“Hi...” Heung Soo whispered, realizing he hadn’t seen Nam Soon’s dad since four years ago… or maybe more, since that time he was not home most days, just like now. “I’ll come back later,” he said, moving away before they could say anything more and closed the front door behind him.

“Please... stay

Please stay”

Nam Soon’s father didn’t look really happy to see Heung Soo. Maybe it was Heung Soo being paranoid again. It was almost funny how he so easily returned to the same fear that someone would find out about them. Just like days ago.

Minutes before, he was saying to himself how he didn’t care about others. But, still, things didn’t change. Because it was not that easy to change. And it would not be easy to change.

“What a night it is, when you live like this

And you're coming up beneath the clouds”

It was Monday morning when Heung Soo came to school. He didn’t talk to Nam Soon during the weekend. Neither of them called the other, but Heung Soo could only blame himself for that. It was him who should call, not Nam Soon.

He barely had the courage to look into Nam Soon’s eyes when he joined class. It was his fault, everything was his fault. But he just didn’t know what to do neither what to say.

The last thing he needed right now was Yi Kyung to approach his seat.

“Yah, Heung Soo,” Heung Soo barely managed one annoyed look at the boy before he stared at the front of the class again. But Yi Kyung didn’t mind.

“Yoo Jung asked me why you aren’t answering Shi Won’s phone calls before you both went out. She said you just left without saying a word, and didn’t answer her messages and calls… Did something happen?”

Heung Soo gritted his teeth after hearing this. He didn’t want Nam Soon to know. Why did he have to spit it out like that? It was his life, it was his business if he answered a call or not. Why was it that people couldn’t stop interfering into his private life like that?

 “She was not really my type,” Heung Soo answered, really annoyed. He just wanted Yi Kyung to go away. He knew Nam Soon heard it all. He knew Nam Soon was still hearing it, and even worse - he knew he would be hurt. He knew he would misunderstand things again, and he couldn’t let that happen one more time. He couldn’t hurt Nam Soon even more.

Yi Kyung looked at him in disbelief, but, before he could say something else, Heung Soo rushed his words.

“I like someone else.”

“I'll admit I was wrong about everything

Cause I’m high and i don't wanna come down”

 “Really?” Yi Kyung laughed, but seeing that Heung Soo didn’t return his laugh made him stop. For the look in Heung Soo’s face, he really seemed serious about it. “Who is she?”

Heung Soo bit his lips, his mind flashing to memories of Nam Soon, of their moments together, of the feeling of having him in his arms, his scent, and his warm embrace.

He slowly took out the paper teacher Jung handed them last week. He still hadn’t answered it. He never intended to anyway.

And then his eyes stopped at the question what’s your dream? And he remembered he already had the answer for that.

“My dream…” Heung Soo whispered, but loudly enough that Nam Soon could hear it too. Yi Kyung continued staring at him, like he didn’t understand. But those words were not meant to him. Those words were for Nam Soon.

And then, he finally had the courage to look into Nam Soon’s eyes.

He noticed them becoming wet right before Nam Soon looked the other way, burying his face in  his arms like he used to do when he didn’t want others to see he was close to crying.

And Heung Soo, too, had to bit his own lips with more intensity to avoid his own tears.

“I'm not strong enough for the both of us

What was I supposed to do

You know I love you”

[/CONTENTID3]

[CONTENTID4]

(UPDATE 2014/12 : Chapter last edited and revised on this current date)

I'm sooo sorry it took soooo long to update this chapter! I'm working again so I have less time to write... But i think the next one will not take so long (I hope so). Thank you again for everyone that helped me out in this fanfic and all the lots of comments i received in the last chapter!! *-* 
Anyway thanks to Giselle that reviewed the chapter for me again ^^

And here's one fanvideo I made for them with the same subject of this chapter (It's not a trailer yet ^^'')