Monday; 1 April 2013; 2.00 am

Kibum oppa suddenly asked if I was free this morning. It was an impromptu outing, we had brunch near a cafe not far from the district where Minho oppa worked. Kibum said he dropped by to send something to Minho, but unfortunately the busy man cannot join our 'very leisurely' brunch. We video called him for a bit when we waited for our food to arrive. Although he picked up the call and tried his best to humor us (he called us people-with-too-much-free-time btw), the conversation had to be cut short when his PA informed that his guest has arrived and he had to attend yet another one of his endless meetings.

Taehyung sent me to the cafe because Kibum said he'll drop me home. He asked if Taehyung was my "New boy", and I think I might've grimaced a bit because Kibum immediately apologized and said that he was just playing around. I know he's joking. But it's hard to control my reaction. Anything involving the nuances of infidelity stings me quite a bit nowadays, even when it's something fictional I read or see in the media. All I could do to cover up my evident reaction earlier was just... To play along. I called him crazy- the only thing that came up to mind. I have never been good at replying my friends' colourful wittiness with sassy comebacks to make things funnier, but at least... I tried.

He pulled out my chair for me. I sat down and tried to think of something creative to make things lighter. I said if I want to go to the dark side I'd probably find a billionaire so I can live in a cottage in Switzerland without having to think about recession, not a college student whom I sometimes see as my son because how often he joins me at lunch nowadays. Kibum snorted as he took his seat across me, and his beautiful face was adorned with a smile again. I felt better now that the slight awkwardness earlier finally left the air, but what he said didn't leave my mind.

I wonder if anyone who knew about Taemin and I in high school would ask him the same question if they saw him and Tiffany together.

When Kibum started our conversation with small talk, I knew something was wrong. It wasn't him at all, it wasn't the way we would usually talk to each other. He'd ask me "How have you been" or "What did you do today?" through text randomly, just to check on me and see if I'm still alive- but asking those things during a face-to-face conversation was something that has never happened. We usually would just get into conversation without having to dwell in awkward small talks and conversation starters.

He also looked at me differently for the first few minutes after we sat down and placed our order. He stared at me- no, he scanned me from up and down, trying to find something. I wasn't sure about his intentions at first, so I asked if I didn't dress well that day. Further into our deeper conversation and the more Kibum tried to... discreetly ask questions about Taemin, I think I know what Kibum was trying to find. His unfocused eyes gave him away. I figured out that he was trying to see if I had anything on my skin that could serve as a clue about what was happening to me. His eyes roamed every sliver of uncovered skin on my body; and it made me want to cry. I laughed.

I laughed, as I asked him if he was trying to find a 'domestic violence' proof on my body. I wanted to believe that I laughed instead of grimacing. My cheeks ached in the way they have always ached whenever I have to smile forcibly for the camera during my family's annual photoshoot sessions. I knew my acting skills betrayed me, because the sad glint in Kibum's eyes, and the way the corners of his cute lips don't curl upwards anymore revealed that he saw right through me.

"It's not funny," He commented, confirming my theory. I didn't stop laughing.

I laughed, not because I think it's funny that someone like Taemin would do that to me. Of course he wouldn't. He might be broody and angry at times, and while it's never hazardous before (nothing a kiss on his cheek and me coercing him to healthily talk about his feelings won't fix), those emotions now seethes out of him, and it stings me. He's now more than capable of hurting me without being violent. He doesn't have to inflict physical wound to bruise me. I'd like to believe that I'm partly guilty for giving him the power to make me feel so.

I laughed, because I was brought back to the times when he avoided me like I carry infectious disease outside of our bed. When he held me to sleep but acted like I don't exist when he's awake. When I tried so hard to reach out to him and understand him but he dismissed me. When only his liquid courage combined with his pent up sorrows lets him say his meaningless string of sorry to me, as I help him out of his clothes and into the bed every night after his wild drunken endeavours.

He might have made some progress towards a better change now after we had talked, and he has seen me bawl stupidly in front of him after such a long time, but the fact that he is cheating on me will always stay. It won't go away. No matter how long I spend trying to get rid of the fact and proof of his infidelity, I can't. It's so hard dealing with the fact that you are just not enough when you have lived your whole life thinking that you are the happiest woman on earth.

"I am just checking because I am worried. Minho told me that something happened between you two. I wouldn't intrude and ask you personal questions unless you tell me about it first, but Minho looked so troubled when he came to my house to talk about you. You know me, right? I thought of the worst case scenario right away. I was ready to go cut the jingle off Taemin's bells right now if I saw a bruise or even a scratch on you," Was what Kibum said. He reached out an arm and held my hand from across the table.

I remember my eyes watering, because I feel loved. I finally felt less alone. I am not sure what Minho told Kibum, but I am sure Minho didn't know much anyway. I don't remember telling him anything. He's not stupid, I know. He wouldn't go to Kibum to tattle his tale about me if he didn't recognize the depth of my sadness, although the reasons are unknown to him.

"Thank god there's none, then," Was what I answered. "I still want to be able to have children again, you know?" I tried to joke around but Kibum didn't seem to have it in him to laugh at my poor attempt at humor. This joke of mine also backfired on me, and I grimaced when my whole body reminisced about the pain and loss Taemin and I experienced in the past. Kibum tried his best to push out a little smile, but the worried arch of his eyebrows never went away.

Kibum oppa squeezed my hand and I felt more tears prickling my eyes. God, I love that man. At that moment I felt so vulnerable and I wish I could just tell him every single thing that I felt. He always understood me well. He smiles brightly at my joys and cries along with me during my sorrows. Stayed with me through my highs and lows, especially the ones that I couldn't share with my parents. This whole thing about my cheating husband that I am carrying on my shoulders alone is one burden that I think I shouldn't share. Although I would trust Kibum oppa with my life, Taemin is still his friend. I don't want to ruin that for them.

"I promise to be here for you always, Adreanne. I know you're going through something greatly burdening and you probably think you can face it on your own. I have no doubts of that," I watched him and his expressive face and body language and I thought of how much I love him again as I cry my eyes out. I tried to laugh to make myself feel better and for him to not be worried, but Kibum is too much of a safe space for me, that it felt incredibly hard to not be vulnerable around him. He continued his annoyingly touching speech with a "Remember that I will always be around for you. Even if I have to drop everything else in life for you."

I didn't want to cry in a cute cafe, on a broad daylight, but I had to. It was a little embarrassing, and after Kibum released me from the tightest hug I have ever received in my whole life, he dabbed a tissue on my face in an attempt to wipe my tears (but still salvage my blusher). It was funny- because it was something only someone as meticulous as him would think of.

I think I already gave myself away, but I told Kibum that there's nothing going on with Taemin and I. I proudly told him that my world doesn't only revolve around my husband.

The thing is, it does. And it's so sick that I still wouldn't wish for it to be otherwise.

Adreanne

MINHO

"I just said some typical supportive words, because you know, I essentially know nothing. But that girl cried buckets," Kibum blabbered. "Why don't you just tell me what's going on with her? She's not alright at all, you know it."

Minho sighed and closed his refrigerator. Turning around, his gaze fell onto Kibum's tensed expression, his glowing skin making him look extra ethereal with the kitchen light shining right above him. He threw a cold mineral water bottle towards Kibum, who caught it with ease but winced at the coldness afterwards, before taking a seat right across his best friend at the kitchen bar.

"I told you, Kibum, for the love of god," Minho said with another sigh. "Someday she will tell you about it herself."

"Well but like, you already knew it from her, right? Why won't you just tell me? I assumed the worst and thought that something is going terribly wrong with her marriage, or or or, that Taemin suddenly lose some screws in his brain and abused her, or if she did something wrong behind Taemin and felt guilty, like I had so many theories! Just tell me if she has told you things! I am going crazy here!"

"I didn't know things from her, Kibum," Minho paused, putting an emphasis when he said the word 'from'. "That's why I can't tell you anything. But I am certain that she will tell you everything someday for sure. She's not going to tell me, but she will tell you, definitely."

Key made a face that he knew would annoy Minho when he heard the taller's last remark. He smirked subtly in glory, but it was something that Minho wouldn't miss. Minho laughed a little, and shook his head at Kibum's faux arrogance, proud that he's winning against Minho in getting Adreanne's full trust. "You're enjoying me admitting that you will have an upper hand at this, right?" Minho questioned, his voice raised playfully.

Kibum laughed loudly. "Of course," He smiled before taking a sip of his water. "It's fun seeing you finally admit that Adreanne loves me more than you,"

"You're so full of yourself, aren't you?"

There was silence. Minho waited for Kibum's sassy comeback, but it never came. Minho glanced at his bestest friend in the whole world and pressed his lips together when he saw Kibum staring into his water bottle, thoughts probably filled with worry.

"Is she going to be okay, Ming?" Came Kibum's quiet question. "I'd really appreciate it if I knew about her situation properly. Seriously."

Minho groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "I can't tell you, Kibum. I want to, so someone could at least feel the same way that I feel, but I can't. Just give Adreanne some time. She will definitely tell you. She will. I don't know how many times should I repeat this to assure you, but she will."

Kibum stared blankly at Minho, probably trying to churn and process the whole thing properly.

"You know what, I feel like I'm hurting her whenever I say things to comfort her this morning, because I really don't understand anything." Kibum commented after a period of silence, his voice low. "I felt guilty because she cried harder whenever I said something," Key paused and nodded to affirm his words when Minho's eyes widened in disbelief. "It was that bad, Minho." Key breathed in response at Minho's soft "Really?"

"You know she's never like that. We have been friends with her for a long time. It made me feel like I have missed this huge part of her life, and my inability to make her stop crying and handle her properly... Gosh I felt like a bad brother."

"Ey, no," Minho made a disapproving sound. "No, Kibum. You are not. You did your best. Adreanne probably needed to cry like that, and maybe she could only do that properly around you. You yourself told her many years ago that crying isn't a bad thing, right?"

"I know, Ming. It's just..." Kibum sighed. "God, I really need to know what's wrong with her."

Friday; 31 May 2013; 10.00 am

I still cannot process today properly. When I woke up (a bit late, honestly, because I stayed up reading yesterday) Taemin was sitting beside me on my side of the bed- my hand in his. He was already in his work outfit, sans his tie and suit, and I panicked when I saw the clock. He shushed me gently before I could say anything and pushed my shoulder down so that I lay back in bed, then kissed my hand before he got up to enter the walk-in-wardrobe. It was 8.30 am, almost the time for him to leave anyway. I accepted the fact that that's not enough time for me to race downstairs and make breakfast, and opted to let out a sigh instead.

I didn't count how many days it was since we had that huge fight in the kitchen, but ever since then I saw that Taemin has been making small, consistent efforts to make things better for both of us. Last night however, he came home a bit late, and I want to try to not care. Hence the late night reading situation.

It was when I wanted to run my fingers through my hair when I realized something new on my charm bracelet- the one that I have never taken off since the day it was gifted to me by Minho. There was a new charm addition, and it was absolutely delightful. The only sensible explanation of Taemin's sudden appearance on my bedside was that he was attaching the charm onto my bracelet.

With great difficulty, I imagine, because the bracelet is dainty and the charm has to be attached by a small jump ring (I must've been dead asleep because there was no way he didn't struggle). I saw a small pair of pliers on my bedside table and wondered if the man had gotten that just for the purpose of attaching the dainty, heart-shaped charm. When I first got it, I got the bracelet along with the existing charms already attached to it by the jeweller. Each of the charms were gifted by my friends, and they were so excited to tell me the story of them saving up their monthly allowance for many months, and Jonghyun having to work part-time at a cafe near his agency building every single day after school for half a year to afford his part of the charm. I cried a lot that day out of happiness, and because I was especially so touched of Jonghyun's efforts. He was a final year high school student and a trainee, having to work part-time must've taken a toll on his body. The bracelet and its charms were made out of gold- and the cheeky boys had custom designed the charms themselves. Imagine how much that would've costed them. They are well-off financially, sure, but they were just a bunch of teenagers!

Minho gifted me the bracelet itself, along with a sun and star charm. Jonghyun's were the cutest daisy and treble clef charm, and Kibum's were a key and crown charm. They were being so poetic with the description and meaning behind the charms, saying that each of them are the things that reminded them of me (sun, daisy and crown) and the things they see themselves as so I would always remember them (star, treble clef and key). When I told my parents about the gift, they had contacted each of the boys' parents and asked them if they have been coerced into giving the boys a huge sum of money just for the birthday present. Rest assured that it was definitely their hard work of not buying new video games or other things of their interest back then just to save money, and not them harrassing their parents for the money like what other bratty rich kids on the television would've done. After that, my parents made sure to always go all out on my friends' Christmas and birthday presents. It was quite a funny memory to look back on.

I literally shrieked and jumped out of the bed when I was done processing the whole thing. Taemin have given me a gift- one that made me so incredibly happy.

"Taemin, what's this for?" Adreanne stood at the doorway, her voluminous hair tousled, her long, silk dress wrinkly. She held her right arm out and he of course, knew what she was referring to. If godesses do exist, Taemin was sure that they would look like this when they jump out of bed. Her expression was one of shock and delight, something he didn't get to see a lot nowadays. Adreanne beams happily over even the simplest things that he gifts her randomly, but this was definitely different. This was almost like the expression she had on when he gifted her that one diary when they were in high school, and somewhat similar to how she reacted when he proposed to her a few years ago.

Taemin held back a smile and applauded himself mentally for holding back his rage and staying patient in the process of attaching the unbelievably minuscule gold jump ring and charm to her equally delicate bracelet. They look dainty and pretty and it suited her incredibly well, but god was it hard to put on. He knew right then and there why he wasn't born to be a jeweller. He would've thrown a fit every single day if he had to be one.

"Hey, morning," He said as he made his way towards her after spraying on his perfume. He took her hand in his and lifted her arm slightly to inspect the heart-shaped charm, smiling proudly to himself for being able to attach it successfully before she woke up. "Do I need an occasion to give you a gift?"

Adreanne parted her lips to say something before closing it again. "No, but," She smiled and stepped closer to him. He placed one hand on her waist and brought her body closer so that they could share each other's body heat. "This is so... unexpected." She continued, still smiling.

"Well, I was the only one who didn't get to buy you a charm, back then," He pressed his lips and thought of those days when his bank account was monitored closely by his mother. "I'm a bit late to the party, but I hope you like it."

"I love it, thank you so much," She tiptoed to press a kiss on his cheek, and that made his chest full with happiness and pride.

"I wanted to put them on you last night right after I came back from the goldsmith, but you were in your office so I didn't want to bother you," He explained as he played with the charm.

Adreanne smiled, her eyes watering. "This must've been a pain for you to attach, isn't it?" She laughed before bursting into tears. Taemin laughed and enveloped her into a hug, softly caressing her back to calm her down. "It's so tiny," She sobbed. "I am so sorry for not coming to bed early yesterday, we could've put the charm together and I could've helped-"

Taemin chuckled and called her name repeatedly, softly, to get her to stop rambling. "It was, indeed, one of the most taxing things I have subjected myself to. I am not going to lie," Taemin held her face between his palms and stared into her glassy eyes, her cheeks wet with tears. "From tracking the goldsmith who made the bracelet for Minho to make sure that this new charm matches the quality, to the actual attachment process itself, it was hard. But I am willing to try anyway. Seems like I have the talent for it, don't you think? I did put it on you without waking you up."

They embraced each other for a while, with nothing and simultaneously a thousand thoughts running through his mind. It was eye-opening, how he has put her through a catastrophic position in regards to their marriage and his antics for the past few months, but she was here, ready to cry her eyes out after knowing that he struggled a bit to put a tiny charm to her bracelet with a pair of tiny pliers.

He wished she would let herself see him struggle even more so that he could atone to his sins towards her.