2013.06.08, Saturday

Tokyo, Japan

It had been three weeks since I last Jonghyun.

Ever since he found out that I had lung-cancer he hadn't wanted to see me again. Even though he said he still loved me he had left the hospital on the same day that I had woken up again. He had told me he'd be back by night, but he hadn't come back.

So I had waited for him.

At first it had only been a few hours. But then it became a day. Then it became two days. Slowly I found myself waiting for him for a week. It was only after a few more days had passed that he sent me a text-message that caused my whole world to crash.

To: Kim Kibum
From: Jonghyunnie
Msg.: Hey … I'm really sorry, but I'm not coming back to visit anymore. I think it might be best to get some distance between us and just … forget what happened … Good luck, Kibum … I'm sorry.

I had cried so much that night. Worse than ever before. If Minho wouldn't have been there to help me I would have probably killed myself. I would have grabbed anything sharp in that room and cut open my wrist, throat, whatever. As long as I would finally die I wouldn't really care what I'd have to cut open … I just wanted to finally get out of this hell.

As memories kept coming up I found myself cramping where I was sitting right now – at the open window of my room, together with Minho.
When I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself he looked up and tightened his grip on my hand.

“Hey … you okay?” he sounded really worried. I just nodded though and rested my chin on my knees, pulling my hand away from him. My face was halfway buried by my hands and my blanket as I looked outside, watching the last remaining cherry blossoms sail through the air. Since I was on one of the highest floors of the hospitals it was quite a way for the cherry blossom and the leaves to get back down on the ground … I found myself wondering whether it would take my body just as long to get down there as the blossoms did …

”Hyung … hey …” Minho moved closer and put a hand on my shoulder. “What's wrong? What are you thinking about?”
He knew exactly what I was thinking about, that idiot. I was thinking about Jonghyuns last message … and about the many others I sent him after that …

To: Jonghyunnie
From: Kim Kibum
Msg.: … Jonghyun Hyung, please … I'm sorry … let's talk …

One day later.

To: Jonghyunnie
From: Kim Kibum
Msg.: I beg you … let's talk.

Another day later.

To: Jonghyunnie
From: Kim Kibum
Msg.: I swear, I'm so sorry … I should have told you, but I was scared you wouldn't accept it and leave me … I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear. Please … let's talk.

One week later.

To: Jonghyunnie
From: Kim Kibum
Msg.: … you're not gonna answer, are you …? Hyung, please … I'm begging you on my knees … I'm going mad like this … just … talk to me … let's talk, please …

And it kept going like that.

I knew he was reading my messages, I could see it at the bottom of the screen, but he never replied. He read them but didn't even take three seconds to tell me that he was alright, where he was or anything like that. I didn't even know whether he was still in Japan or whether he had already returned to Korea …

Thinking about all of that again made me tear up so badly that I had to hide my face from Minho. I buried it in my arms and knees, letting the tears fall.

I just wanted to see him … wanted to take his hand and apologize for all I didn't tell him …

I wanted to set things right and make sure there would be no secrets anymore … he had been honest with me all the way through … why hadn't I been like that?

“Hyung … please …” Minho tried to move my head back up, but I wouldn't let him. I buried it only deeper and sobbed badly, feeling tears as well as mucus from my nose run down my chin. I started shaking and hugged my skinny knees tighter, trying to hide myself from Minho.
It wasn't because he hadn't seen me crying during the past few days or the last three weeks, but more likely because I still just didn't like it.

I was his Hyung.

I was supposed to stay strong in front of him. It was my duty as his best friend … especially since I was older than him.

“It's okay … please, don't cry …” he carefully picked me up and sat back down on the windowsill, pulling me on his lap. I immediately hid my face in his neck as I just couldn't stop myself from crying anymore. The tears kept coming, the lump in my throat just wouldn't go away anymore. I was soon starting to choke on it and panicked slightly, looking up at Minho with wide eyes because I couldn't breathe.
However, after being with me for the past three weeks Minho knew how to handle this by now. He shushed me and held my face gently, smiling softly. Instead of running off and calling the doctors – like my parents always did – he stayed calm himself and tried to distract me. His hands were wandering down from my shoulders to my waist which he massaged carefully. It had quite a soothing effect on me, especially when he moved them back up and rubbed my chest gently so that I could breathe better.

“Look over there.” he said with a smile and turned my head for me. He pointed at a girl in the hospital garden. She was all alone, the only living thing accompanying her was her dog. “She looks cheerful, doesn't she?” I sniffed and didn't bother to look at her for long. Instead I just turned back to him and closed my eyes again, whimpering desperately. I told him I couldn't breathe, but he still just kept his calm and nodded. “I know, I know … calm down … it's alright.” he pecked my forehead gently. “You know it'll be alright, Hyung … relax. I'm here for you. I'll look after you.”

He was lying.

No .. he was telling the truth …

But Jonghyun had said he would look after me as well … and now he was gone …

I sobbed louder and tried to push him off weakly, my hands shaking madly.

“G-Get off …”I whined hoarsely. “Please … I-I just …” I sniffed badly and closed my eyes again, unable to keep them open on my own anymore. Together with the throbbing which was coming from my lung I couldn't handle the burning pain in them as well. I leaned onto Minho so much that he had to hold me a little tighter so I wouldn't drag him down the windowsill.

“Hyung, please … look … It'll distract you.”

I shook my head.

“Kibum Hyung … let me help you, please … If you won't calm on your own I'm gonna have to call the nurse … and you don't want that, do you …?”

I shook my head again, slower.

“Alright … so, please … just look … I remember that, when you were younger, you used to love dogs. You had one yourself, right?” when I nodded and mumbled something into his chest he chuckled quietly and petted my hair. “What was its name again? Kkomde?”

“Mhm.” I mumbled lowly and felt a weak smile appear on my face.
Kkomde had been my puppy back then … I had loved it so much … but it had died when I had been younger … but I was over that … even though I loved it so much.

“I remember Kkomde.” Minho said and rubbed my back soothingly. “She was really cute.”
I smiled and soon turned my head away from his chest. I was still sniffing and sobbing, but I wanted to look now. Minho held me as I leaned outside the window and looked down into the garden. The girl was wearing a hospital gown, so I figured she was a patient just as much as I was. Her dog was small and had brown fur, so it really did look a lot like my Kkomde. Seeing it made my heart ache a little, but it made me feel better at the same time … difficult to explain.

“Yah. Come back inside now.” Minho wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back in. “I don't want you to fall.” when I felt how he almost ripped off one of the cables at my waist I pushed his hand off of me. He noticed though and just apologized quickly. I nodded only and sighed, looking down at the floor.

“Hey, stop thinking about him … I know you're sad, but it's not gonna change his mind.”

I teared up all over when he mentioned Jonghyun just like that.

“It's hard, isn't it …?” he sighed and picked me up again. He had no problem with carrying me since I was still losing weight continuously. After he had let me down on my bed he sat next to me and made sure that none of the medical supplies on my arms or on my chest and waist would get ripped off … they were really important, after all. Some of those cables were responsible for my nutrition and the others for medicine and oxygen or whatever it was … I hated all of them, anyway.

“Are you tired?”

I shook my head, but let him push me onto my back anyway. He covered me with the blanket and smiled as he tugged me in.

“You should still rest though.” I felt his hand on my head, petting my hair. “Do you need anything?”

Yeah … him

I shook my head though and avoided looking at him. Seeing that worried look in his eyes was seriously the last thing I wanted to see right now.

“Medicine? Painkillers? I'll get it for you, don't worry ….” when I just continued shaking my head he sighed and got up, getting something from my cupboard. I didn't watch what he was doing and just buried my face in my pillow, trying to breathe calm and deeply. However, wen he soon sat back next to me and handed me a certain pillow I couldn't help but to smile at him.
It might not have been anything special to anyone but me, but … this pillow had been with me ever since I came to this hospital. It had been a present from Minho and Jinki when they got here, kind of their way to tell me to get better quick so I can come back to Seoul with them. Since Jinki was always busy he had to go back already early, so Minho was now the only one who could look after me here – apart from my parents, of course …

“Are you sure you don't wanna sleep?” he petted my hair gently and sighed. “You're really pale … I might as well go and get your nurse. Are you hungry?” I mumbled something as I hid my face in the pillow. “The cable's still injected, right?” he pulled on one of the cables carefully to make sure that it was still inserted into my skin. When it didn't budge or move at all he sighed again and pulled the covers up to my chin. I was hugging the pillow and sniffing only from time to now, trying hard to finally calm down. Minho checked my report a few times – he had been here with me all the time, by now he could read it more or less – before he leaned forward and kissed the top of my head carefully.
“It'll be alright, Hyung … don't worry …” he put his hand on my thin shoulder and rubbed it gently. “I'm here for you. I won't leave, I promise.”

Shut up … just … go away … leave me alone …

He sighed deeply. “Let me guess … you wanna be alone?” even though I nodded he didn't get up or leave. Instead he stayed right where he was. “Sorry, but you know I can't …”

Just because my stupid doctor said so … 'Never leave Kibum alone', that's what he said, that er … just because he knew I wanted to die instead of staying here.

What would be the difference anyway?

It was to either die now or in a few months … nothing would change.

My fate was decided.

… my life.




*




2013.06.24, Monday

International Airport, Seoul, South Korea

I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders tighter as I tried to look over the crowd as well as I could. Everyone was so tall, so I could hardly see anything from out of my wheelchair. Even though Minho was standing right behind me and told me that he was not there yet I would have paid money to be able to look for him myself.
I hadn't seen him for quite a while and it's been quite some time since I last texted or called him, too.

So I was really excited about today.

“Is he there yet …?” I asked quietly and tugged on Jinkis sleeve. “Why does it take hm so long …”

“Can't see him yet.” Jinki said and took my hand so I would stop tugging on him. “Just wait. He'll be here in a bit.”
I pouted and looked down, watching my feet. They were covered by a thick pair of colorful socks so that my feet wouldn't get cold, since I wasn't walking or moving my legs in general. It wasn't like I couldn't … it was more like I didn't feel like it because I had grown too weak for it.

I sighed and folded my hands nervously, glancing up at Minho who was standing behind me. He smiled at me and petted my wig carefully, so that it wouldn't get pulled down or anything. Minho was comforting me really well, but not even he could calm me now.

All I wanted was to hold him, give him a kiss on the cheek and smile at him all day … it had been way too long, anyway …

“There he is!” Jinki suddenly said and pointed right up ahead. He caused me to jump a little at that, but as soon as I looked where he was pointing my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

He really was there.

Right up ahead.

With a big smile on his pretty face.

“Hyung!” he shouted and let his suitcase drop. He came running towards me, his blonde hair bouncing a bit. His lose shirt and his sweatpants were making him look smaller than usually, even though he was quite tall. As soon as had come over he dropped down onto his knees and leaned forward, hugging me tightly. “I missed you …! Oh god, I missed you so much …” he sniffled and buried his face in my neck.
“I missed you, too …” I said and smiled wide as I hugged him back. “S o much … did you have a good flight …?”

“Y-Yeah.” he smiled weakly against my skin and nodded. “It was good …” he broke away after a few seconds and put his hands on my cheeks, smiling up at me.

“I'm glad to be here now though …”

“Me too.” I took one of his hands and held it on my face. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn't find the words for it. It was so amazing to finally have him here. When he hugged me again I let a few tears roll down my cheeks and wrapped my arms around him.

Lee Taemin.

He was finally back in Korea … just because I couldn't travel to Europe he had decided to skip school for a few weeks and see me before I … well … before I died.




*




2013.07.01, Tuesday

Seoul, South Korea

When I woke up again I found my head lying on Taemins shoulder. He was staring right up ahead at the screen, biting his nails in anticipation as he followed what was going on in the movie we were watching. Whatever was going on was apparently really to his liking, he smiled and frowned continously, depending on what was going on. It amused me somehow and so I continued watching him for a little before closing my eyes again.
I was really tired for some reason, so I fell asleep right away and had a really weird dream because of that.

In my dream there were all of my friends, but Jonghyun was there as well … he was looking different though.
His hair was not brown anymore, it was completely black. The way his eye-color had changed from their beautiful, dark brown color to a milky white one was scaring me. He was staring into space as he just sat on the ground, all my friends standing around him. His hands were held out in front of him, as if he was looking for something but couldn't find it

No … please …

I felt my body shaking as I walked closer to him slowly. My steps were echoing in the big, wide nothing around us, but the closer I got the quieter everything became.
As I entered the circle my friends had formed around Jonghyun I froze and stopped when all their heads turned to me all of a sudden.

Their eyes were dead.

Black.

Black holes where their eyeballs should be.

I whimpered under my breath and backed off a little, having them all stare after me. All of them were pale, deadly pale. Their mouths were agape and hair falling into their face.

“W-What's going on …?” I asked shakily and took another step backwards. “You l-look …” I couldn't finish the sentence. Instead I gasped when Minho, who was standing the closest to me, suddenly turned around and took a step closer to me. He held out his hand, staring at me with those black eyes of his.
“It's okay.” he said without moving his lips. He came closer, I backed off further, my eyes fixed to either his face or Jonghyun who was still kneeling on the ground. “Kibum Hyung. It's okay.” a weird grimace spread out on his face, probably attempting to form a smile. “Come here.”

“N-No …!” I tried to shout, but my voice cracked. I tried again “No!”and was surprised at how strong my voice sounded. It didn't hurt either. “I-I don't wanna …!”
Minho didn't seem to have heard me though. He continued moving closer, his hand still offered to me. The grimace just kept on growing and when I looked behind him I felt my jaw drop when I saw how Taemin had pined Jonghyun down on the ground. Jonghyuns mouth was opened wide, apparently he was screaming, and that was when I got back to my senses.

My feet moved all on their own. I sprinted forward, pushed Minho aside and ripped Taemin off of him. I sat on his lap and hugged him to my chest, attempting to protect him from those weird creatures that my friends had become.

“It's okay …” I whispered shakily and pushed his face into my neck. Tears were forming in my eyes when I heard Minho and the others coming closer again. “I-I'm here.” I felt his hands on my waist and his legs underneath of my own. He was not moving, but I felt his chest rising and falling beneath my own.

“Hyung.”
I froze a little when I heard Taemins voice right next to my ear.
“Kibum Hyung …”
Even though I knew it was a bad idea I slowly turned my head towards where the voice was coming from. He was right next to me, his black eyes focused on my face. I let out a whimper and quickly went back to hugging the limp Jonghyun underneath of me.

“Hyung …! Hyung, look at me!” he was whining, his voice echoing in the nothingness around us. “Am I not pretty anymore? Is that why you don't like me?”
I blinked and hugged Jonghyun tighter.
“That's why you didn't come to London, right?” his voice suddenly turned really bitter. “Because I'm ugly.”

“W-What …?” I widened my eyes at that and shook my head wildly. “That's not true …!”

“Yeah. Right.” he let out a bitter laugh and gripped my hair at that, pulling my head back. “You're a horrible person.” he forced me to look at him, his face turned into a weird grimace that showed obvious disgust towards me. “You never liked me because of who I was.”

“I-I do, I like –“ but before I could finish that sentence I felt Jonghyun being pulled away from me while Taemin held me back. He sat on top of me and pined me down so hard that I could hardly move. I screamed and kicked, but he only grinned and tightened his grip on my wrists until it hurt too badly to try and struggle any further.
When I cried Jonghyuns name and tried to sit up a little to see where Jonghyun had gone I gasped when I felt a stinging feeling on my cheek.

Taemin had hit me.

“ you.” he hissed and grinned wider, his hand raised again. “I hate you.”

“N-No, please, I-I –“ when the next hit hit my cheek I screamed and coughed, tasting a brazen feeling in my mouth – I was bleeding.

“Kibum Hyung. Why did you leave him alone …?”
I sobbed loudly and struggled against Taemins grip. As I looked up at him I saw Jinkis dead face right next to Taemins.
“You left Jonghyun on his own.”
I widened my eyes and shook my head shakily. “H-He left m-me.” I stuttered, feeling more blood drip down my chin. “Please, I-I swear it. I-I didn't m-mean to leave h-him …” my head hit the ground hard as Taemin slapped my cheek all over. He was giggling in a weird high-pitched voice, his hands shaking as he pined me down.
“Because of you Jonghyun got sick.” Jinki kept talking, his voice strangely low and deep. “Because of your cancer Jonghyun got ill.”

“N-No …” I gasped and looked up at him as my vision started blurring. “That's not … p-possible, I d-didn't –“ I felt Jinki kick against my thighs and moaned in pain, arching my back off of the ground as I tried to get Taemin off again. I was crying so hard that my whole body was shaking violently. The blood was sticking to my teeth and bottom lip.
When Taemin and Jinki started beating me further more I screamed at the top of my lungs, begging for them to stop. I was crying for help desperately, tried to make them stop as I felt my bones breaking, my body jolting and even my eardrums ripping apart.

It hurt so much.

It wasn't my fault Jonghyun got sick … it couldn't have been my fault … no way …

When they just continued what they were doing I soon heard a different voice above it all. A familiar voice.

A voice that I trusted.

It was calling my name and telling me to snap out of it. There was a pair of hands on my shoulders and something cold on my forehead. My head was resting on a soft base, just like the rest of my body. I was shaking, but the weight on top of me was gone. Even the blood that had been sticking to my teeth and everything had somehow disappeared, leaving no taste in my mouth at all. And even though my cheeks were burning, I knew that it was not because I had been hit, but more likely because of the tears running them down.

“Hyung!” the voice was close, it sounded like it was right next to me. “Kibum Hyung! Wake up!” I sobbed loudly and fought against my closed eyelids, trying desperately to get out of this panic. “You're having a nightmare, Hyung …! W-Wake up!” the voice was pleading now and before I knew it I felt something soft on my cheek, causing my eyes to snap open.

Taemin yelped as he was pushed aside by me sitting up right away.

“A-Are you okay …?” I blinked against the lights around me, swallowing down the weird feeling in my stomach – everything was spinning. “H-Hyung, please …” I felt his hands on my shoulders again, trying to push me back down. I let him do so, since I was too weak to struggle a lot anyway. “Please … is everything alright …?”
When my eyes finally adjusted to the light I managed to make out his face above of me, I could even see the tears that were threatening to fall. I was still panting, but nodded and forced a smile for him. He seemed relieved at that and sighed loudly, letting his head hang low for a second.
“What happened …? You had a bad dream, didn't you …?”

“Y-Yeah …” I mumbled and massaged my chest in order to soothe the pain in there. “It w-was … really bad …”

“I see …” I saw his eyes getting teary and felt bad for worrying. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but before I could do so he had already helped me to sit back up and pulled my wheelchair over. “Let's get you to bed. It's late.”

“… I don't wanna go to bed alone …” I mumbled, feeling really pathetic for the state I was in right now – , I was supposed to be his Hyung … not this whiny little something I was being right now.
“I'm there, remember?” he smiled and helped me to heave myself into that ing chair of mine. “I'll just stay in your room tonight, so don't worry.” he smiled brightly and truthfully at that, making me feel better slightly.

Taemin tugged me in eventually and put all those medical supply thingies I needed over night – like the oxygen mask just in case I wouldn't be able to breathe over night … which was unlikely, but had sadly happened before.
He sat on the edge of my bed and looked down at me with a weird mixture of sadness and relief in his eyes. His hands were in my fake hair as he kept petting it. “You know …” he said lowly, “I know it's not the same, but … those wigs look really good on you. Why did you never try brown hair before?”

“I did.” I mumbled and let him cover me with my blanket. “But I like blonde more …”

“Ah, I see.” he cooed and smiled even wider at that – if that was possible. “It fits you. Minho Hyung said so, too. You should wear it more often.”

“Thanks, baby …” when he offered me his hand I took it gladly and leaned against my pillows, looking up at him. He was making faces at me now to calm me and make me laugh. Of course he succeeded and I chuckled at all of his cute and silly expressions. However, when he asked me what I had dreamed about I froze a little and took a deep breath before slowly starting to tell him.

Minho, Jinki and he, himself, who had looked at me through black eyes … how dead they had looked.

Jonghyun, who had stared into space with his eyes in a milky white color … and how he had eventually not reacted to anything at all …

When I told him about how he had beaten me up together with Jinki he frowned and stared at me, waiting until I had finished the whole story. As soon as I fell silent again though he sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose, looking down.
“You know … you really need to talk to that Jonghyun guy again …” he mumbled after a few minutes and played with his slender fingers. “Then those nightmares will stop … this was like the fourth one ever since I've arrived …” he put a hand on my forehead. “And your fever will stop coming back as well, I'm sure.”

“He's the one … who doesn't want me …”

“I'm sure there's a reason for his behavior … Please don't think he doesn't want you …”

“Why would he act like this then …”

“I think he might be … I don't know … shocked.”
I stared up at him questioningly, edging him to go on.
“Well … I don't know him very well, but … I dare to say that he never had to face the fact that his current partner had an illness such as the one you're suffering from …”

What he said made me think.

Think about Jonghyun in a different way than before.

… had I underestimated the pressure I put him under by begging for him to speak to me again?

“I'd just say he needs time to understand everything …” Taemin smiled at me softly and caressed my cheek. “You said he was a singer, right?” I nodded slowly. “Maybe he is busy as well … it's getting closer to the end of the year … and you told me he was going to record a new album soon … he's probably recording right now. And I just know that he'll talk to you as soon as he has more time and has grown accustomed to everything … just … give him a little more time …”

I sighed and looked down, nodding only.

… he was probably right.




*




2013.07.08, Monday

Seoul, South Korea

I was losing more and more hope in Jonghyun.

Another week had passed and he still hadn't called or texted me at all … it was like he had vanished … died …

I rubbed my eyes at that thought and looked up at the TV-screen. It was a Japanese channel – because my father was desperately trying to learn some Japanese lately – so I didn't understand anything at all. Taemin was sitting next to me, thinking about his next move – we were playing chess.

Taemin had been here with me for two weeks by now and we had done quite a lot of things already.
Today we had gone to Incheon in order to visit Minho – not gone, but my father had driven us there because I couldn't take the subway anymore due to the immense shaking and the noise – and stayed there from morning to late afternoon. We had actually just hung out, but it had been a lot of fun.
The past few days we had just been taking walks in Seoul so that Taemin could visit all those places that he missed. We had gone to the Han-river, had visited the fountains in the center of the city, we even went to Namsa-tower and had a short but fun picnic in Olympic Park on our own.

Sadly we always had to be back home before it got dark, because my parents were worried about something happening to me during night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be though. We also had a lot of fun at home during the evening and during night, especially when we just talked about everything that happened while we hadn't seen each other. We were avoiding the topic of my illness as well as possible and had rarely ever talked about it much ever since he came back to Korea.

“Like this!” he exclaimed suddenly, pulling me right back out of my thoughts. He had finally made his move. “Checkmate, Hyung!” he clapped his hands excitedly and looked down at the board.
“… where in the world do you see a checkmate?” I asked and chuckled as I examined the way the pieces were positioned on the board. “You're not even close to winning yet.”

“What …!” he whined and wiggled on the couch. “It's checkmate! Hyung, it's checkmate!” he pointed at his rook and his knight. “You are so going to lose!”
I grinned and explained how he clearly hadn't won yet. I made my next move and told him what to do next so he'd actually win. He pouted but did as I said and half an hour later I had a totally excited Taemin dancing around the living room, happy that he finally beat me in chess.

I watched him with a smile and helped him put all the pieces away after we had played another round. We were halfway done with putting everything away when there was something coming from the TV that made me frown.
It was a voice that I knew. A voice that I knew so well by now.

I almost jumped around, causing all chess-pieces to fall to the floor and stared at the screen, my eyes tearing up.

Jonghyun.

He was on TV. Giving an interview in Japanese.

“F-Father!” I got onto my knees and grabbed my father's sleeve, feeling my body throb at the quick movements. “What is h-he saying …!?”
My father looked down at me in surprise before looking back at the screen. “Uh … he says his name is Kim Jonghyun.”

I watched Jonghyun introducing himself and crawled closer to the TV, tearing up badly with every second that passed.

He had changed a lot …

His brown hair was now bright blonde, almost white, and his ear was pierced much more compared to before. He was wearing a red pair of pants with a black belt and a lot of ribbons attached to it. His black vest was covering the weirdly covered shirt well, making his well-trained arms to show off nicely.

“He says his new album is going to be released soon …” my father said, his brow furrowed in concentration. “And he keeps saying how much he's looking forward to it.”
I nodded and found myself hugging my knees as I stared at the screen. Taemin had come over and was kneeling next to me, his arm around my shoulders. “Is that your Jonghyun?” he whispered, causing me to nod frantically. I was biting my nails, waiting for the MC to finally finish speaking so that Jonghyun could talk again. He looked a little tired and that worried me even though I hadn't seen him in so long.

“He was asked about the album's concept.” my father mumbled, his dictionary already on his lap. “And something else, but I'm not sure what …”

My heart was beating up to my throat, causing my body to throb a little. I had gotten a little better ever since I last saw him … and now … now it was all coming back … what was he doing there …? I thought his tour started in December …?

Jonghyun rubbed his eyes and nodded to each word that the MC kept saying and looked at the camera occasionally, causing me to blush each time my eyes met his. When he finally started speaking again I hugged my knees tighter and stared at him. Since there were some English words thrown in between I could hear out the titles of his songs and some other stuff in between. He was speaking enthusiastically and yet I just felt that something was not right. His eyes didn't portray the emotion his voice was trying to show.

“He says his album should have been a Pop-album.” my father mumbled, obviously focusing on the translation like mad. “But that he rewrote almost all songs. Now it's his old style … slow songs.”

Ballads … why had he re-written them …?

I thought he did like those songs in the end …?

“He asked to make an announcement.” my father kept translating quietly, curiosity shining in his eyes.
Jonghyun sighed and looked down as he kept speaking. I teared up a little when I saw that his eyes were all glazed and when he spoke in a low voice, his head hung low. And when he started talking again I felt my heart sink even more when everything he said was in Korean, with Japanese subtitles at the bottom of the screen.

“I'd like to apologize for the old teasers that were released …” he chuckled a little and sighed. “Those songs will not be on my new album … I'm sorry for any inconvenience caused.”
Taemin put his arm around my shoulder and smiled as he, too, started to understand what Jonghyun was saying.
“I wrote every single song on this album. And I worked really hard on each one of them … I usually get asked the same questions over and over again, so … I'm going to answer the one that occurs most often.”

“What do you think is he going to say …?” Taemin asked quietly when Jonghyun paused for a second. I shrugged only because I really wasn't sure and just watched, seeing how the MC and the audience in the background looked at him in confusion – they probably wondered what he was saying, even though there was the voice of a Japanese translator in the back.
“Hyung …?” Taemin whispered into my ear, a smile on his face. “He's really handsome …”

“I know, right …” I replied just as quietly and smiled back at him. My chin was resting on my knee as I kept watching his handsome face, my heart aching still.

“Who … exactly … are my songs dedicated to?” Jonghyun smiled at that and looked straight into the camera, his eyes tearier than ever. “It's easy to answer, actually …” he leaned his head to the side, giving the camera a great view of his profile. “I'm a difficult person to be in a relationship with … and I messed up the one I was in just a month ago …” I frowned at that, my jaw dropping. “I don't think my partner is watching this program right now, but … if that really is the case I would live to apologize for the way I was acting …”

“He's talking about you, I think.” Taemin mumbled, but I didn't react. I was too busy listening.

“I left without an explanation because I was confronted with a problem I didn't know how to deal with … and it took me a lot of time to wrap my mind around it and to grow accustomed to the thought of what I was going to have to deal with. I'm just … afraid …” he smiled sadly and sighed. “Afraid because I think it might be too late to get that person back now.”

“That boy is so cheesy.” my father mumbled and rolled his eyes. “Whoever that message is dedicated to … I sure as hell hope she won't buy it.”
I felt a lump in my throat when he said that and knew that Taemin felt the same. He hugged me a little tighter and made sure my father wouldn't notice – after all … my parents only knew about me and Jonghyun being friends … not to mention that my father had never even seen Jonghyun around here …

“I changed almost all songs on my album, because I wanted to convey a message for that person. I doubt anyone except us will understand what I mean … but …” he sighed and I felt my heart break when a single tear rolled down his cheek. “I still hope everyone will enjoy this album and the songs I wrote. The booklet will contain pictures from the photo-shooting and the lyrics to all songs … in Japanese and Korean … I am really looking forward to the promotions.” he bowed his head at that and smiled rather sadly again. “Thanks for everything.”




*




2013.07.10, Wednesday

Seoul, South Korea

When Taemin started squealing while going out to get the mail this afternoon I almost jumped up.
My parents were both out working, so I was in the kitchen – trying to cook – while Taemin was doing other stuff around the house in order to help me look after everything. But as soon as I heard his squealing I let the cooking utensils I was using drop and looked up quickly.

“Hyung!” he shouted as he slammed the front door close and came running into the kitchen, holding a little package. “It's for you! Look!” he dropped down on his knees and put the little parcel on my lap. “Open it! Quick!” he seemed really excited and when I looked down at it for the first time I could figure why.

It came from Japan.

Those weird looking symbols were written all over it …

I didn't know anyone in Japan … except for one person.

With my heart racing and my lungs throbbing I quickly started unwrapping it and soon found a signed and nicely wrapped up CD lying in my lap. On the cover there was a stunningly beautiful picture of Jonghyun who was smiling at the camera brightly. His hair was still dark there, but his eyes had the same weirdly sad expression from earlier on TV.
As I looked further inside the parcel there was a small booklet as well and a letter, together with a picture attached to it. Jonghyun was on the picture as well – of course – but it was not one from the photo-shoots. His hair was white, his skin rather pale and there rings under his eyes. He was looking directly at the camera, holding up a little plushie that looked like a little, orange dragon.

“So cute …” Taemin awed as he saw the picture. “I want that dragon …”

I smiled at him and then at the picture before opening the letter, feeling my eyes water all over as I read through it.

Dear Kibum.

I know, I know … this letter is late. I'm late. Everything is late. I don't know if you are going to see it, but … I'm going to be on TV tonight. Japanese TV though … I'm going to make an announcement about this album in Korean, so … if you happen to have any time … it would mean a lot to me if you'd listen to it … (god, I don't think this letter will arrive in time, but … well …)

In case you can't watch it … this album was supposed to be a pop-album, remember …? I complained about it quite a bit, I know. You thought I was annoying, I saw it in your eyes. But you made me read through everything and eventually … it was okay. Not perfect, but good. But after what happened at the hospital I didn't feel like doing it anymore … so I re-wrote everything. Jongwoon seonbaenim almost killed me, but I didn't care. During those few weeks in which I didn't see you I worked harder than ever. I stayed awake for a few days and composed, wrote, played … I did everything so that this album could be done quickly … and I did it.

Here it is.

… I remembered how you said you wanted to listen to my new songs … and how much you liked them … but at the hospital the doctors told me you wouldn't have much time anymore … probably not longer than October or November … maybe even shorter …
I have no idea whether you wanted to listen to them this badly or not, but … in case you did … here they are … I wanted you to be able to listen to them … since they are all for you.

I love you, Kibum.

And I am sorry for running away like that … I am coming back to Korea next week and – if you want – I'd be more than happy to see you again. As soon as I am back I am going to call you, alright …? If you don't want to, then just don't pick up. I'll take it as a rejection.

… but I'm hoping to see you again.

– Jonghyun

p.s.: I'm cheesy, I know, sorry …

I sniffled as soon as I had read it through, rubbing my eyes with my palm.

… what was I supposed to think about this …?

He wanted me back … but he had rejected me before … and if he did it once it meant that he would do it again if it ever got until there … and, as short as my life was going to be, I would not be able to handle a second rejection by him.

“Hyung …?” Taemin leaned closer, looking at me worriedly. “Kibum Hyung, are you alright …?” I handed him the letter without saying anything at all, looking down at the floor as my emotions were being thrown around in my heart. He read through it rather quickly and smiled softly. “This is great, isn't it? Are you not happy? You wanted him back …”
I sighed and shook my head slowly.
“W-What …?” he frowned at that, his brow furrowed in deep worry. “What do you mean …? Don't you … don't you want him back anymore …?”

“I'm … I-I'm not sure …”




*




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Last chapter to come.

And oh, I love this Drama so much xD Not only the cancer and friendship-thingy going on, but also JongKey drama now that Kibum doesn't know whether to take Jonghyun back or not~
Well ... we'll see whether he does or not =3

Chapter image will probably be updated tomorrow or the day after that, I'm too lazy and too tired to do it now QQ

Thanks for reading!!~