A/N; In order to understand what exactly is going on, please pay attention to the dates that are written on top of each paragraph.
The current year Kibum is living in is 2013, everything that is earlier than that is (obviously) in the past / flashback.

Thanks a lot for reading C:





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2011.09.07

Freeway between Seoul and Daegu, South Korea

“Kibum-ah, please cheer up a little. Going to something like this is not the end of the world …”

I just rolled my eyes at my mother's voice and looked out of the car-window, watching how the world passed me by. We were going over a hundred kilometers per hour already and had been sitting in this sticky car for ages as well.

I was so bored. I wanted to get out of here and run, jump, walk, just basically move at all, so that my legs would finally stop falling asleep all the time.

“Your cousins will be happy to see you again, son.” my father called from the front, taking his eyes off of the street for a moment. “And you haven't seen them in ages, so why are you upset?”

“I'm not upset.” I mumbled into my hand, feeling a weird feeling in my throat. I forced a cough out of my throat. “I just don't want to go.”

“But why not, sweetie?” my mother asked worriedly. “You were getting along so well last time! I saw you laughing so much!”
I didn't reply to that.

Yes, the last time I had seen my cousins they had laughed a lot … but not because of something good. They had found out about me being into guys by checking my text-messages while I wasn't looking. They had seen the message that I had sent Minho only a few months ago in which I explained that I was actually gay.
And after reading it my cousins had continously made fun of me. They had threatened me to tell my parents if I dared to complain about them bullying me, and so I just stayed quiet and let them laugh all they wanted … And that was why I hated them.

We stayed silent for a while and I eventually found myself falling asleep when the sun started to set. I didn't dream anything – or at least I couldn't remember it – but woke up when I felt how the car stopped moving all of a sudden.

I was a little blinded when I opened my eyes again due to the lights all around, but got used to it rather quickly. As I glanced out of the window and sat a little straighter I noticed how it was really dark by now. The only light was coming from a few street-lights further up ahead and the roadhouse that my parents had stopped for.

“Do you want something to eat, Kibum-ah?”
I looked to the front when I heard how my parents unbuckled their seat-belts. My mother was already looking at me with a warm smile curled around her lips.
“It's just a short break.” my father then added. “We'll be back on track in just a minute. But I really need to eat something first.”

“I'm not hungry.” I said lowly and to my side so that I might be able to sleep some more. “I wanna sleep.”

“Are you sure?” my mother questioned. “You haven't eaten since this morning … Don't you feel like eating something?”

“You gotta have an appetite for something.” my father chimed in and reached behind the seat in order to pat my knee a little. But since I didn't feel like being touched right now I moved my leg aside, causing his hand to flop down.
“I'm not hungry.” I just repeated, coughing one more time. “You go. I'll wait here. Just hurry, please.”
My parents didn't seem to approve of that a lot, but they still only shared a look and got out of the car eventually, leaving me alone. I heard the clicking when they locked the doors and windows.

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to fall asleep quickly – but it didn't work. So I sat up once more and peeked out the window, watching how all sorts of people entered and left the roadhouse continously. They were all chatting happily and carrying colorful bags filled with stuff that they had bought inside. My eyes followed a couple that was walking back to their car, their hands intertwined.

… I felt only slightly jealous.

I started thinking about my friends and whether they were thinking about me right now as well.
What were they up to?
Minho was probably busy practicing sports or studying, he rarely did anything else anyway, while his cousin Jinki would most likely just be watching TV and eating. On the other hand I was wondering what Taemin would be doing now. We had a time difference of seven hours, which meant that when it was night here then it would probably be time for him to get up and go to school … poor him … but thank god it was going to be Saturday tomorrow. No school for any of us, luckily. Just like everyone else, I really needed a break from studying.

When the street-lights right next to our car were dimmed a little I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up. As I leaned forward and glanced at the clock in the front part of the car I pursed my lips when I saw that my parents had only been gone for like five minutes – apparently time was standing still right now.

Even though I only had to survive one weekend with the rest of my family I was already really annoyed. I knew that my parents only meant well for me, but they didn't know what my cousins knew … and having my cousins telling them about me was the last thing I wanted, seriously.
But I figured that I shouldn't blame my parents for what my cousins were doing to me. If they knew they would probably not even force me to go there every few months …

And because of that I lost myself in thoughts again but eventually decided that I was going to try harder as soon as they were back. I told myself to be nicer and behave better, at least until we were finally there. Then I could be pissed all I wanted, no-body there cared anyway.

The clock told me that it had come up to almost fifteen minutes by now, so I just decided to look out of the window and wait for them that way. And when I finally spotted them in between all those people leaving the building I smiled unwillingly – they were carrying three plastic bags of food, meaning that they had brought something for me as well. Though, I hadn't lied when I said that I wasn't hungry – lately I haven't been feeling like eating anything at all –, but I appreciated that gesture a lot.

I was planning to wave and smile at them, but as soon as they looked up they frowned and the smiles disappeared from their faces. At first they didn't move but only stared, but then, after another second had passed, they let everything they were holding drop and started running towards the car immediately. Since the windows and everything were locked I could hardly hear anything from outside, but I saw how my mother was shouting something, same went for my father, while both were waving around with their hands, trying to tell me something that I didn't really understand.

However, when I realized that, whatever upset them wasn't good, it was already too late.
There was an incredibly loud sound right behind me, causing me to turn around immediately.

And what I saw made me scream.

The bright headlights of a car were racing towards me, uncontrolled, and got bigger and bigger by the second. Despite the upcoming panic inside of me I quickly tried to get the seat-belt off of me, but found that my hands were shaking way too much. My eyes started burning before I knew it and I screamed once more when I heard the screeching sound all over.
And then, before I could even look backwards or at my parents again I felt how I was pushed forward roughly, hitting my head against the seat in front. The space inside was suddenly vanishing and I quickly found myself squeezed in between literally everything that this car basically was. There was heat washing over me, burning pain and continuous waves of fear and panic. As I was starting to pray that this was not going to get me killed I screamed for my parents, especially when I was suddenly thrown upside down.
When I hit my head against something everything soon went black and I could hardly remember anything that happened afterwards. The only thing that was carved into my mind from then on was the fire that was there later, making the blood that was dripping down my temple burn on my skin.

What had just happened?




*




2013.02.28, Friday




Seoul, South Korea

I was standing in front of the mirror, combing my hair. I had dyed it yesterday afternoon, just because of tonight. It was still blonde, but I had dyed the fringe to a color that was similar to a grapefruit – it looked really good though. To top it all off I had dressed up a lot as well and wore only the best clothes that I had found in my closet. With some make-up applied to my face I thought that I looked really well and checked myself out in the mirror before I decided that it was fine now.

This was the first time I was going to do this.

Before I left my room I moved over to my nightstand and opened the drawer, grabbing a pair of painkillers that I always kept in there for emergencies. I swallowed two of them down in one gulp and put two pairs into my pocket – I wanted nothing to ruin any unnecessary pain to ruin this night.
During the past two to three weeks I've been feeling a little worse than before. I had to see my doctor twice a week – which bothered me quite a lot – and I wasn't allowed to go outside all day anymore because it would drain me too much if I did. Due to that I had stayed inside for the past two days just so that I'd be fit tonight.

Tonight was the first time that I was going to go to a club.

Yeah. After finishing the fourth point on my list, the one with my grandmother, I had taken a short break and was now determined to go on with it as fast as possible.
Since I had never gone clubbing before I figured I should do it before it was too late … and tonight was the night.

Minho had once told me that Jinki often went out on Friday nights, and so I had asked him to take me with him. And upon hearing that request from me Minho had decided to come along because he was worried about me … I was really excited about going out with Minho like this … we had never done that before …

I smiled softly when I heard the doorbell ringing. My parents were not home tonight – that's why I could go out anyway – and so I had to go and open up. Since I had expected to see Minho there my smile faded a little when there was someone else looking at me.

“You don't look happy to see me again, Bummie.” he whined with a pout. “Were you expecting someone else?”
I blinked at him before I caught myself. “Obviously yes.” I mumbled and invited him in. “What're you doing here, Jonghyun?”

“I'm here to pick you up.” he replied slyly. “Minho told me to come and get you because he got a last-minute date … So, here I am.”
I felt my heart sink a little when I heard that, but I wasn't particularly sad … instead I was curious. “Who is he seeing?” I then asked and grabbed my jacket from the wardrobe.
“Yuri, of course.” he winked at me. “They've been seeing each other almost every day lately. I think they've been dating secretly.”

“He would have told us, wouldn't he?”

“I don't know.” he shrugged. “But it's obvious something's going on with these two, don't you think?”

“… maybe.” I said and checked once more whether the painkillers really were in my pocket. When they were I went to fetch some money from my desk, grabbed the keys and let Jonghyun pull me out of my own flat.
“So are you coming with us?” I asked when we left the building and got outside. “Or are you just here to keep me up-to-date with Minhos dating?”
He laughed at that and nudged my shoulder. “Both.” he said. “Jinki said he's busy tonight as well, so it's my mission to take you there.”

“… are you sure you're not just making this up?” I raised my eyebrows and put the key into my pocket, smiling when Jonghyun grabbed my hand afterwards.
“Maybe.” he repeated, earning a light slap from me on his shoulder. “Alright, I'm just kidding.” he admitted. “But both are busy tonight, so I said I'd take you out instead.”

“I saw you everyday this week …”

That wasn't even a lie. Jonghyun had visited me as good as every day in order to keep me company … so we had basically spent all the time together.

“So?”

“Did you really miss me that much?”

“Of course.” he grinned wider and I felt how he tightened his grip on my hand a little. “Anyway, I know where we could go.” when I gave him a weird look he only laughed and asked: “You don't trust me?” I only gave him a smile at that though and changed the topic to something I'd rather talk about. Due to our chatting us walking in the dark and cold night was not as bad as well. The cold air was not bothering me a lot and whenever I would complain about it Jonghyun would only laugh it off and distract me a little.
Since we had to get to Hongdae we had to take the bus for a few minutes and then walk once more, but, to be honest, I really enjoyed. It was nice to just walk with him and talk about all sorts of things, especially when he was holding my hand like he was doing it now … it sort of felt like we were dating when in reality we were just close friends.

“Have you ever gone to a club before?” Jonghyun soon asked when we finally left the bus. “Or is this your first time?”

“First time.” I replied and pulled my hand away from him. Instead I linked my arm with his and put my head against his for a moment. “I never had the chance to go before.”

“Really? How come?”
I frowned a little at that, but just decided to tell him that I was busy with school back then.

I couldn't tell him that I had been in a coma during last year now, could I?
Nor could I say that I was continously in hospital ever since I woke up again.

That would only cause trouble, definitely.

“I see …” Jonghyun pouted a little as he led me on ahead. “Well, then I have to make sure that you're gonna have fun, right?”

“You'd better.”
When we eventually got to a club that Jonghyun claimed to know very well I was surprised to see how many people were waiting outside already. I was just about to get into line, but he only laughed at me for that and pulled me right to the front door. He was immediately recognized by someone from the security team. They greeted each other happily and before I even knew it we were already inside.

It was just like I had imagined it.

There were tons of people inside, the music was turned up to the extreme and everyone was dancing and shouting all sorts of things. I only needed a second to see that the bar on the right was completely occupied by all sorts of people who desperately wanted a drink and with some couples here and there, making out right on the counter.
I felt a little out of place, so I clung to Jonghyuns arm and just let him guide me further on ahead. He pulled me to the bar, ordered something I couldn't even hear and soon turned around, facing me.

“Do you like it?” he shouted into my ear as he leaned forward. “It's always a little loud.”
I rolled my eyes but smiled anyway and leaned forward, telling him that it was alright. When he handed me my drink I was just about to blindly take a sip before I decided to wait for a moment. I asked him whether there was alcohol in it and he replied to that by only giving me a look that was obviously something like Is that a serious question. Since I didn't want to look like a weirdo I just started drinking, even though I never really liked alcohol much – it wasn't like it would do me any harm anyway, right?

Jonghyun was continously trying to pull me out onto the dance floor, but I always found myself too shy to actually do it. Because of that Jonghyun gave me more and more drinks until I was quickly loosening up a lot and only giggling like a maniac at basically every single thing that he said. I was eventually getting drunk enough that I didn't really care anymore and just let him pull me away from the counter at last.

He was holding my hand real tightly as he pushed himself in between some people, pulling me right into the puddle of everyone. I was getting squeezed in between so many bodies, I felt like my eardrums might burst soon and noticed how my vision got blurry a few times due to the alcohol I had drunk.

Up until now … this was not a lot of fun …

As soon as Jonghyun found a rather small place we could stand in he pulled me closer and started dancing right away … even though it looked really clumsy and weird.

I usually didn't like dancing much – mostly because I wasn't the most gifted person – but I couldn't help but to join Jonghyun after a few seconds had passed. I let him grab my hands and raised them up into the air for him, letting him laugh right into my face. His smile had a weird intoxicating effect on me right now and before I knew it I laughed as well and danced together with him. Despite the many bodies that pressed against my own I didn't dislike this anymore, not at all. It didn't even take long until my eardrums hurt so much that they were going numb or until my body was moving all on its own. I didn't even care about the amount of hands touching me by accident or on purpose – I couldn't have decided that anyway – or the way I soon felt people's fingers grazing over my back or .

It felt surprisingly good anyway.

When it got more and more crowded I soon found myself pressed up against Jonghyun, my back facing him as he had his arms wrapped around my waist tightly. I felt his chin on my shoulder and his fingers touching my stomach and chest gently. He was laughing loudly continously, especially when all sorts of famous songs were . I always felt when he started jumping up and down, felt how his body was rubbing against my own all the time. Since there were so many people I started sweating quickly and noticed how tiny sweat beads were running down my temple and neck. I was a little worried that Jonghyun would mind, but since his behavior didn't change anything at all I soon forgot about it completely. The way the music was more and more continously was too distracting anyway. Above of that, the various colors of light that were flashing throughout the whole room had caught my attention as well. I was looking around all the time, watching how everything turned from red to blue and green and back again – it looked so nice and got me worked up even more.

However, when the DJ put on some more famous music and everyone went completely crazy I felt a faint feeling rush over me. Even though I enjoyed how the music pierced through my eardrums and how the bass made my body shake I immediately got back to my senses.

The painkillers.

The ones I had put into my pocket.

When Jonghyun put one of his hands underneath of my chin and turned my head up so that I'd look at something else than my pocket I twitched a little at the stinging pain in my temple.
Despite the amount of alcohol I had drunk I was thinking rational now.

If I didn't get those painkillers right away I knew something bad might happen …

… but I couldn't take them in front of him right here on the dance floor …

… I had to get to the bathroom right away.

“Jonghyun!” I shouted over the noise, hoping that he'd hear me. “Let go of me!” I pulled on his arms in an attempt to break free – however, he didn't seem to have heard me. “Jonghyun!” I shouted louder and struggled harder, trying to ignore how people bumped into me continously. My attention was drawn to the side a little when someone nudged their elbow into my ribs on absolute purpose, telling me not to make a fuss and just have fun.

The pain in my head increased though and I soon noticed how my vision turned completely dark from time to time.

When my breathing got quicker and flatter I stumbled a little when Jonghyun moved a little more. If he wouldn't have had his arms wrapped around me so well I would have probably fallen to the ground. I couldn't see for a second and when I managed to focus again I panicked a little when I ran out of breath. Though then, finally, Jonghyun seemed to notice that I wasn't feeling well. He shouted something into my ear, but that only caused me to twitch one more time due to the increased noise.
I didn't look at him, but that didn't seem to be necessary.

Thank god he seemed to be worried now.

He released me but grabbed my wrists instead, pulling on me as he squeezed himself between the crowd again.

He obviously tried to get back to the counter so that we'd have some more space.

I only stumbled after him and bumped into all sorts of people that glared at me. Jonghyun seemed to notice and between the many changing lights I always saw the worried looks that he gave me.
When I stumbled against another person I noticed how my heart beat up a lot, causing my vision to turn black once more. As soon as I blinked again I yelped when I felt how Jonghyun accidentally let go of my wrists.

No! Please don't go away now!

My eyes widened and I hastily looked around, seeing how Jonghyun was vanishing between the people even though he tried to come back. His mouth was moving, he obviously shouted my name.
I was just about to try and get over to him, but I was forced to stop when someone grabbed my arm and linked it with their own. When I looked to the side I saw a blurry image of a girl, probably around my age, with blonde hair that went right over her shoulders. I couldn't make out all of her face, but even the blurry image of her seemed quite pretty. On top of that she was really thin and had her long, slender fingers holding my arm tightly.

“What's your name?” she shouted into my ear when she got onto her tiptoes. “I'm Jessica.” she clung to me tightly and got closer continously – I didn't like it.

My head felt like it was about to burst.

“Are you here alone?”
I didn't reply but only shook my head and tried to free my arm from her. However, she seemed completely oblivious to my attempts of getting her off of me and just waved someone over, causing another girl to appear right next to me. Without me even wanting to she linked her arm with mine and the next second I felt a pair of soft lips on my cheek.
“I'm Hyoyeon!” she shouted happily. “Who're you?”
Before I could even think about answering I felt Jessicas hands moving down from my arm and to my hip.

“You're y!” she shouted into my other ear, hugging me tightly from the side. “You wanna get out of here maybe?”

“We can leave together!” Hyoyeon added to added and let her fingers run down my side. She didn't fiddle with the hem of my shirt for long but slid them underneath of them quickly, causing me to twitch.
I shook my head once more and struggled a little. My head was throbbing so badly by now that I could hear the throbbing in my ears. On top of that, black spots were dancing in front of my eyes … I couldn't focus anymore.

When the girl named Hyoyeon soon pressed her lips onto my cheek I gasped and felt how my knees buckled. The two girls were still holding me up so I couldn't let myself drop to the floor. And since I didn't resist that much they seemed to think that I was enjoying it or at least didn't mind it, and so they just continued to do what they were doing to me. Due to that I soon found both of them soon dancing on me instead of with me – and I hated it.
Before I even knew what was going on my vision was completely black and I didn't remember what happened from then on. I seemed to be gone for only a second though, because the next moment I opened my eyes I only saw Jessica getting in front of me. She put one of her hands into my neck and the other one onto my shoulder as she leaned closer. I couldn't do anything about it when she pressed her lips onto mine, holding me in place tightly while her friend was still touching the skin underneath of my shirt.

No …

No … no, no, no!

This wasn't how I wanted my first kiss to be like!

I tried to move my hand upwards to push her away, but my arms were feeling too heavy. I merely hung in their embraces and let them do whatever they wanted because I was simply too weak to do it. I couldn't even do anything when Jessica forced my lips open with her tongue, pressing her body against mine even tighter. She started grinding on my thigh, giggled and smiled a lot as I was obviously completely helpless with her acting like this.

Where was Jonghyun …!?

As both of these girls continued doing what they were doing I started praying that I wouldn't faint right on the spot. My eyelids were twitching already and getting too heavy while I could literally feel how my consciousness was gliding away.
Not even Jessica kissing me so heatedly could keep me up anymore – it did made me feel bad though.

Jonghyun … please …!

And then, out of nowhere, Jessica seemed to have been pushed to the side.
She stumbled and bumped into someone's back, hitting Hyoyeon accidentally as well. As soon as they had let me go I couldn't help but to close my eyes and let myself fall, feeling the pain in my head getting too much to bear. I was only waiting to be meeting the floor, but was caught by a pair of strong hands instead. I heard someone shouting at the two girls who didn't get close to me again.

Was that really Jonghyun?

My feet left the ground a little as my arm was put over someone's shoulder, a arm wrapped around my waist quickly.

I didn't really remember what happened afterwards, but the next thing I knew was how water was splashed onto my face. I opened my eyes with a gasp, feeling my lung burn up due to the harsh inhaling. I buckled forward, leaning right over my knees as I started coughing roughly, feeling tears building up in my eyes.

“Kibum-ah!”

I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me when I recognized the voice as Jonghyuns.

“A-Are you alright!?”

He put his hands onto my back and tried to pull me back up as I dropped onto my knees.

“Hey! Please! Talk to me!”

When the coughing didn't stop I tried to get the painkillers out of my pocket, but my hands were shaking too much. Even though I had just passed out for a second I noticed the black spots were back right away. And because of that I was really thankful when Jonghyun knelt next to me and got the painkillers out for me, asking what it was that I had in there. As soon as he saw the pair of painkillers he gave me a shocked look, but I tried to ignore it. Instead I took them from him, let out another harsh cough and groaned at the burning in my temple. Within one gulp I swallowed all that I had without adding any water and sighed as the effects kicked in almost immediately.

“… a-are you better now …?” Jonghyun asked, his voice a little shaky. “Why … w-what happened? You were suddenly acting strange …”
I inhaled deeply, feeling good when there was nothing in my body restricting me from doing so. “W-Where am I …?” I asked quietly. My voice seemed to be rattling somehow, apparently the now easing coughing had hurt my throat.
“Bathroom.” Jonghyun replied and still kept his hand on my back. “I took you here after you … you fainted …”

“Thanks.” I whispered and finally lifted my head. My vision was still a bit blurry, but it was getting better slowly. I could make out the dirty bathroom and that I was kneeling next to the sink. Jonghyun was right next to me, worry displayed in his eyes as he stared at me. I hated to see how he was a little teary and didn't like to think that it was because of me.
 

“Damn …” he breathed out and covered his face with his hands. “You scared the out of me, you know that …? Don't you ever do that again … please …”

“I'm sorry …” I whispered, feeling really guilty now.
Should I have warned him before we got in here that this might happen …?

“What happened?” he looked back at me. “Did those girls do something to you? Because if yes then I'm gonna go back there and beat them until they can't remember their own names anymore!” his voice had risen and I knew that he was being serious about this – and I definitely didn't want him to do it.
“No, they didn't.” I told him and spread my legs out on the rather dusty floor. “I-I just …” I tried to say it. I tried to say what I knew that I had to say.

I have lung cancer. I can't always breathe well.

“I-I just get really … u-uncomfortable.” I ended lamely, causing Jonghyun to furrow his brow.
“Am I making you uncomfortable or something?” he asked, sounding really hurt. That question caused me to feel horrible as well, so I hastily denied that, causing me to cough softly one more time.
“It's not you.” I said as soon as the burning in my throat had vanished again. “Definitely not you …”

“What is it then?” he asked. He was sounding really hurt and that was only proven more when tears started gathering in his eyes. “What did I do to make you faint?”

“N-Nothing.” I said, sounding pleading. “It wasn't your fault at all, I'm just … I-I have …” he was watching me real closely now, his beautiful face carved with worry. He had removed his hand from my back and I didn't like how my body felt cold ever since.
I knew exactly that I had to tell him now, but somehow the words just wouldn't leave my lips.

It was too hard to tell him what was wrong with me …

… and so I decided to lie.

“I have … I have claustrophobia …” I mumbled, sighing as I felt guilt run over me. “I panic when there's not enough space …”
Jonghyun seemed perplex at that. And his next question made me understand why exactly. “Why in the world would you want to go clubbing then?” he sounded rather angry now. “Seriously, you must have figured that if you go clubbing it'll be crowded. What's wrong with you!?” the tears in his eyes had started running over his cheeks, but he wiped them away harshly. “You just gave me a heart attack!” he went on, his voice getting louder with each word. He caused me to flinch when he glared at me. “If you're really scared of not having enough space, then what the are you doing here!?” he hit the ground with his fist and got up to his feet.

“I-I'm really sorry …” I whispered, reaching out with my hand in order to touch him. “I didn't know this would happen, I hoped it wouldn't, but –“

“You didn't know this would happen!” Jonghyun mocked me and let out an upset chuckle. “Don't mess with me anymore, please! You even had pills with you! Of course you knew this would happen!” he shook his head. “Didn't you at least consider to tell me about that before we came here!? So that I might have been able to guess what was wrong when you just ing collapsed!?”an eerie silence spread out in which we just stared at each other, both of us feeling rather upset. After what felt like an eternity he sighed deeply, looked away from me and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I'm gonna get you home now, Kibum.” he said rather quietly and looked at the wall with a blank expression on his face.

I hated how he didn't use any of my nicknames anymore.

“And please … if you ever meet up with someone who cares about you again … don't mess with them like you did now.”

And that was what caused my heart to break all over again.

“… I'm sorry …” I whispered as Jonghyun walked over to the door of the bathroom.
“I'll wait for you outside.” he announced without looking back at me. “Hurry up.” after saying that the door closed, leaving me all to myself.

No … this … this was not what I wanted to happen tonight …

The last thing I had wanted was for Jonghyun to be mad at me …

However, I could understand why he was so upset.

I should have given him at least a hint about the possibility of me breaking down … but I didn't. I could have come up with that claustrophobia earlier and just told him not to drag me right into the middle of that crowd … then it would have probably been alright … Without the heat and the many people pressing against me from in front and behind … it would have probably been alright …

I sobbed a little when all that crashed down on me only now. My throat was still hurting a little, but at least the pain in my head was as good as gone. But instead I felt how my chest was throbbing all weirdly and how my lungs felt a little out of place. I knew that I was definitely going to have to go and see my doctor tomorrow just for a check-up whether this was normal right now or whether something was really wrong …. I could only guess why this had happened anyway.
Heat, alcohol, too many noises … I didn't really know.

I got back onto my feet and clung to the sink for a moment. As I looked at my reflection I only felt bad for myself, even though I had promised myself not to be so whiny anymore. Since tears were slowly running down my cheeks they were leaving red traced on my white skin, causing me to look even paler than before. I turned the water back on again and washed my face a little, hoping that it would make the tears disappear finally. However, I ended up removing my make-up only instead of doing any help to my face … and in the end I just decided to leave it.

As soon as I got out of the bathroom I felt my ears hurting when I had to listen to the music at full volume again – it made my hurt throb weirdly. I stumbled a little as I walked pass some people and looked for the exit as fast as I could. When I found it I felt my body tense when I spotted Jessica and Hyoyeon again, now dancing on some other weird stranger. For a second I was a little afraid that they might see me again and try the same on me, but to my relief they seemed to be busy with that other person.

The guards at the door looked at me a little funnily when I walked out the door, but I tried to ignore it. So I tilted my eyes downwards and just walked out into the cold night, putting on my jacket as soon as I was out. When I looked up again I looked for Jonghyun but couldn't spot him anywhere.

Had he left already?

I moved over to the street where a lot of cars were passing by and looked a little closer through the people that were walking on the street – he was not there.
“J-Jonghyun Hyung …?” I called out quietly, using that sort of honorific towards him for the first time because I felt horrible about what I had done. “… H-Hyung …?” I felt my eyes water again – I wasn't sure whether I could find the way back home on my own at this time now … especially not while I was feeling so weak …

“Over here.”
 

I twitched and turned around when his voice appeared on my right. He had been standing at the building, apparently on his phone since he was holding it right now.
I didn't like how he wiped away some leftover tears from his cheeks.
 

“Let's get moving.”

I nodded only and followed him when he started walking up ahead.

“Who did you call …?” I asked quietly, staring at his back blankly. “D-Did something happen …?”
He snorted at that and buried his hands in his pockets. “Jinki Hyung.” he replied coldly. “Because Minho-ah isn't picking up.”

“… why would you call them …?”

“Both of them told me to give them a call if something went wrong.” he still didn't look at me but only kept on walking quickly, having me tumbling after him. “I didn't think I'd have to do it though.”
I didn't reply to that, because I didn't know what I should say … I had apologized so often already and yet I still felt like I couldn't say it often enough.

Not only that I had lied to him, but the lie had probably even hurt him more … but I had to protect him from the truth, hadn't I?

We had just become friends and were just getting really close … I didn't want this to be ruined.

I didn't want us to get awkward with each other or for him to pity me all the time.

I wanted him to see me as a normal person … as a person that still had their life ahead of them …

I didn't wanna be someone that had their death sentence signed just yet … instead I wanted to be someone Jonghyun could be friends with forever … for him I wanted to be everything …

… and maybe even more …




*




________________________________________________________________________________




2013.03.01, Saturday




Seoul, South Korea

I had been feeling down ever since yesterday.

After Jonghyun had brought me home – well, more or less, he had said his goodbye after we got off of the bus – I had dragged myself home and went directly to bed, being glad that my parents weren't there. I had buried my face in my pillow, had somehow managed to pull the blanket over myself and cried myself to sleep eventually, completely ignoring how my phone was vibrating continously on my nightstand.

And when I woke up the next day I found out that my parents had been home before, but were now already back to work early. I found a note on my nightstand when I looked and found the writing of my father on it.

“Kibum-ah. Please call us as soon as you are awake. We're a little worried.”

I put it back down, rolled onto my stomach and hugged my pillow tightly.

No. I didn't feel like talking to them now.

By now I was completely sober again, but the pain from yesterday was still present somehow. Even though I had taken those painkillers the night before, the pain was coming back now … but I felt too upset to even move right now.
The upset and hurt face of Jonghyun was literally carved into my mind and would just not leave me alone anymore. I always thought about how he had cried because of me, how he had raised his voice when I told him I had claustrophobia …

It must have hurt him to know that I had – apparently – gotten myself into a situation that was bound to get me into trouble … Not to mention that it was bound to get him worried as hell if I broke down …

I sighed, felt my eyes stinging and buried my face in my pillow all over again, starting to sob quietly.

How could someone hurt me this much just by being hurt themselves …?

When my doorbell rang I didn't even bother to look up. I was starting to cry so much that I didn't even hear it after a while … not even when I heard someone shouting my name on the outside.

Just … go away.

Pulling my knees up to my chest I my side and faced the wall.

“Hyung!” that was definitely Minhos voice shouting for me. “Kibum Hyung!” he knocked on the door again. “I know you're home, so just open up!”

I shook my head, but did think about letting him in … it had been a few days since I last saw Minho, after all … it would have been a lie to say that I didn't miss him, anyway.

“If you don't open up I'm gonna kick this door open!”
I smiled unwillingly, because he was just so simple-minded sometimes. Stuff like that didn't bother me at all. I mean, who really cared whether he kicked the door in or not? … well, except my parents of course.

“I'm gonna talk to Jonghyun Hyung!”
And that came so unexpected that my head snapped up – what in the world was he saying there!?

“I'm being serious about this!”
I got up carefully, feeling how my legs were really weak and not strong enough to support my weight. So I got my hands onto my wheelchair, pulled it over and sat down.
“I'm gonna count to ten!” Minho threatened on the outside, finally stopping to hammer against the door. “One … Two … Three …” he continued counting as I rolled over to the door. “Eight … Nine …” he stopped for a second when he seemed to hear how I fiddled with the keys on the inside. “Hyung, I'm not kidding about this.” he said when I stopped moving for a second. “Please just open up … I'm really worried about you, so please let me–“

“Shut the up, Minho!” I shouted myself suddenly, the voice that burst out of me sounding like the one of a stranger. “I'm gonna throw stuff around if you don't shut up already!”
He actually stayed calm then and waited patiently until I managed to unlock the door. I rolled back in my chair, still feeling tears run down my cheeks when Minho opened the door and entered. As soon as he saw me wiping away the tears he closed the door and leaned down in front of me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

“Are you alright?” he asked quickly, hugging me tightly. “Jonghyun Hyung told me what happened last night … Have you taken your medicine? Are you still in pain?”

“No.” I said, trying to sound a little calmer, but couldn't. “I-I'm not in pain.”

“Why are you crying?” when he pulled away I hated to see how he had a worried expression on his face as well, just like Jonghyun had had.
“Why are you so worried!” I exclaimed all of a sudden, pushing him away from me. “I'm not a little kid anymore!” my voice rose constantly now and I shook my head, finally letting lose all of the pressure that I had held inside all this time. I was sobbing real badly and tried pushing Minho away everytime he would get closer. However, in the end I was overpowered by him when he forced his arms around me and held me tightly. I continued muttering and mumbling all sorts of things, telling him to go and himself, to leave me alone … eventually just to stop worrying and leave me to myself.

… but he wouldn't.

“Calm down, Hyung, please.” he mumbled into my ear and my back. “It's gonna be alright, I promise.”

“You have no idea!” I said loudly. “You're not the one who's dying!”
He frowned a little at that and he fell into an awkward silence while I kept insulting him and everyone that I knew. I was still trying to get him off of me which eventually ended with me falling out of my wheelchair because I was moving too much. But still, I felt too upset to even care that I met the floor with my face and just stayed there, crying the life out of myself.

Why did it have to turn out like this?

I hadn't wanted to hurt Jonghyun.

I couldn't have known that it would end like it had ended, right … or could I …?

“Hyung, please!” Minho grabbed me carefully and pulled me up into a sitting position. When he picked me up I didn't struggle but didn't snuggle up to him like I would usually do it.
His touch felt strange and it was uncomfortable, I didn't like how his hands felt like on my body. For some reason my opinion about him had changed. Unlike before I was not feeling excited or happy about having him touching me … but why was that?

I had always had a crush on Minho … always … That had never ever been any different …

When he put me down on the couch and sat next to me I turned away my face and avoided looking at him. It did call me a little when he rocked me back and forth gently though … and soon I found myself leaning against his shoulder carefully because I couldn't stand just sitting there without enjoying the comfort he was willing to give me. Putting my head onto his shoulder I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping I could stop thinking for a moment – but my thoughts would still trail back to last night and the way I had ruined everything.

“Are you better now …?” Minho asked quietly. “Jonghyun Hyung called me up this morning and told me what happened yesterday night at the club … What happened?”

“… I-I had to take …” I started, noticing how my voice broke right after. I coughed a little and tried to go on. “My painkillers … I took them with me in case I needed them …”

“Painkillers?” he repeated and I pictured him furrowing his brow. “Jonghyun said you were taking pills …?”

“They look like pills, idiot … I had to take them because I felt … faint …” Minho stayed quiet and waited for me to explain. And so I went on and on, telling him everything of what had happened last night. It was really painful to remember and when I got to the part where Jonghyun had shouted at me Minho sighed deeply and started massaging the bridge of his nose, just like he always did when he was disappointed in something. He didn't interrupt me though and just let me explain until I reached the point of separating from Jonghyun.
We stayed silent for a few minutes until Minho sighed once more and patted my shoulder.

“He didn't mean it like that, Hyung.” he said and shook his head continously. “He was just upset, that's all.”

“He's got all right to be upset …” I whispered. “I shouldn't have lied to him … I-I shouldn't have gone there in the first place … I–“

“You couldn't have known that it would turn out like that, Kibum Hyung.” Minho interrupted me at once. “And I'm sure Jonghyun Hyung would understand if he knew about everything …” I was just about to open my mouth when he interrupted: “I understand why you wouldn't tell him the truth, I really do. But … he really cares for you, you know …? And maybe you should tell him about … about your illness …”
I didn't reply for moment but thought about it. And of course I came to the conclusion that Minho was absolutely right and that Jonghyun had all right to know about it … he was the person I cared for the most, after all. But it somehow broke my heart into pieces, realizing that if I told him he would probably never want to talk to me again.

Who would want to be with a potential dead person, anyway?

… it was just like everyone at school was saying … It served me right in some way … and there was no point for me in doing anything at all …

“Hyung, cheer up a little, I beg you.” Minho said, sounding deeply worried. “Let's go out and do something, okay? We can do something fun and distract you a little. Or we can watch a movie or something … What do you think?”

“No.” I replied simply. “I want to be alone, Minho.”
He twitched a little when I said that.
“Just go.”

“I don't think it'd be good if I left you alone now …” he mumbled and tightened his grip on my shoulders. “You seem a little–“

“A little what!?” I cut him off, my voice getting louder all over again. “I seem what exactly!?”

“Just sad.” Minho replied in an attempt to sound calm. “I didn't mean to insult you.”
I sniffed a little and rubbed my cheeks roughly – this wasn't the first time I was getting upset over nothing … I hated it.
“Are you so worked up because of Jonghyun Hyung?”

“… I'm not sure … I think I am …” I leaned back against him. My heart was beating so weirdly right now that I felt like I could throw up if my mood didn't get better any time soon. “I … I think I …”
Saying what I was trying to say now was even harder than anything I had said earlier, especially telling Minho about this was weird.

“I think I'm falling for Jonghyun …”




*




2012.06.05




Asan Medical Center, Songpa / Seoul, South Korea

I blinked a few times and rested my chin on my palm, looking out of the window.

Today was a beautiful autumn day, the sun was shining and all of those golden and brown leaves were sailing through the air rather slowly. I knew that it was cold outside because I had touched the window earlier – I would have loved to go outside and taste the cold air personally, but I wasn't allowed to just yet.

After all … it had been only two weeks ever since I had woken up from that coma I had been in …

I was sitting in bed right now, having my legs bandaged and put in plaster as well. I could hardly see anything of my skin anymore, couldn't move my legs anymore and … I couldn't feel them anymore as well …

They were broken during the accident back then at the roadhouse … and until now it was not clear whether I would ever be able to walk again …

There were a few leaves sailing towards the ground, being tossed around in the air by the wind blowing – at least I thought it was the wind. I continued watching them until they disappeared from my sight and then looked at some other leaves that were sharing the same fate.

I probably spent ages doing this until I heard how the door to my room was opened. Out of instinct I turned around and looked, watching my mother enter with a little tray in her hands.

“I brought you some food.” she said as she sat on the little stool next to my bed. “Thought you were hungry.” I smiled at her and nodded, thanking her as she put the tray onto my lap.
She had brought a little can filled with tea, a soup and some side-dishes that she knew I liked. I was really grateful for her actually cooking in the hospitals kitchen, because I couldn't stand that typical hospital slop they would usually serve me.
“How are you?” she asked when I picked up the spoon and chopsticks. “Has your fever gone down already?” leaning forward she put her hand onto my forehead and smiled widely as she said: “You're not as hot anymore … That's good.”

“I'm feeling better as well.” I said through my stuffed mouth. “And the doctors said they were going to have my diagnosis about the coughing soon.” I smiled at her and continued eating hastily, realizing only now how hungry I had actually been. However, just like usually, I would casually end up coughing at least slightly, having her getting a cup of cold water for me.
“I'm really glad to hear that, baby.” she patted my back and watched me eat. “What have you been doing today? Have you read the book that your friend sent you?”
I blinked, thinking for a second before I remembered. Taemin had sent me a book from England right after I had woken up from that coma. It had arrived the day before yesterday and was lying on my nightstand, ready to be read by me soon – Taemin had sent it with express-mail, apparently, which I found really cute.

However, I shook my head.

“Not yet.” I said and put some Kimchi into my mouth. “But I will. I'm just not in the mood for reading …”

“That's fine. But remember to tell your friend that you liked it, yes?”
I chuckled and nodded – yeah, I was going to tell him that I had liked the book even if I didn't … I didn't want him to think that he didn't know my taste well enough.
“I will, don't worry.” I said and grinned when she laughed.

We chatted a lot while I ate and as soon as I was done we both finished the can of tea together. It was getting slightly late by now – well, not really, but since it was autumn the sun always started to set early – so my mother asked me whether I wanted to rest. But since I didn't feel particularly tired I told her I'd rather stay up a little more and watch a movie or something. Luckily almost all of my stuff had been brought to the hospital – since I was going to stay here for a while – so that I had my laptop and my favorite movie here as well. My mother set my computer up for me and even put the DVD in right when my doctor entered the room. He told us that they had now finished the check up and tests on my weird coughing and that they needed to inform my mother about it.

While I started watching the movie, the two of them left the room together in order to talk, leaving me to myself.

I missed the weird expression on the doctor's face as they left together.

But oh well, it couldn't have been anything real bad anyway, right?

They said that it was most likely a smoke intoxication because of the fire that had broken out when the car had crashed into ours. And something like that was easily treatable.
So what else could it have been?

Definitely not something too bad.




*




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I worked ages on this again ... but I think it turned out alright. Finally the Drama can start (oh yeah, I love Drama way too much <3) ... but I do feel a little bad for JongKey. I don't like making characters suffer (well, actually I do) and I am looking forward to writing the next few chapters ^__^

I am now halfway done with this story, there are only five more chapters to come ... I really enjoy writing this, and your nice comments always make my day :3
I'd be happy about some comments on this chapter as well C:

Thanks for reading!!~