2013.01.29, Monday




Asan Medical Center, Songpa / Seoul, South Korea


I never liked my appointments at the hospital.

It was always so bothersome and depressed me a lot.

They only told me how much time I had left … and I definitely didn't want to hear that.

Sitting in the waiting room was boring as well, I hated it. And when I was actually invited inside I got that sad look from the nurse when I passed her and entered the room.
That woman had taken a liking to me, I knew that very well.
And so, when I passed her again, she looked at me with the same look in her eyes and held the door open for me.

“Good morning, Kim Kibum.” my doctor greeted me as soon as I entered. “How are you today?” when I looked up I saw him getting to his feet and reaching out with his hand. “Did you have a nice weekend?” I shook his hand a little awkwardly, gave him a smile and mumbled a Yes before sitting down in front of his desk.

It was a nice office actually. Quite plain and simple, but I liked it. Everything was black and white and there were only a few pictures hung up that showed landscapes and such. Anything colorful would have fit in here, because it was just so neutral. That's why even he fit in this room so perfectly well. He was the man that had been treating me right from the beginning, right after we had been given the diagnosis. He was small and stocky with a pair of big glasses on his nose. His head was almost completely hairless, but he managed to let everyone forget about that because he always distracted people with his nice smile.
I usually felt really comfortable around him, but I was not in a good mood today.

I knew what was going to come now.

“Glad to hear that.” he sat on my opposite and pulled out a folder from underneath of his desk. “I haven't seen you for two weeks in a row, right?” I nodded. “I'm glad to see you're alright.” he chuckled and pulled out some papers. “Did you come prepared again?” I nodded again. Due to that he praised me and grabbed a pencil. “Let's just start with the basic questions before we start the usual medical stuff, yes?”

I hated this especially. Even more than sitting in the waiting room. What was coming up now was just humiliating.

“Two weeks ago your weight was a total of 59 kilogram.” he started. “Has that changed?”

“I've lost weight.” I mumbled and stared down at my feet. “I'm at 57 now.”
I heard him writing that down.
“Has your coughing improved a little?”

“Yes, a little. The new medicine is really good …”

“That's good to hear. I'll let the nurse give you some more then.” he wrote some more. “What about the hemoptysis?”

The blood coughing …

“Didn't have that yet.”

“Have you been breathless or hoarse a lot lately?”

“Sometimes … but not much worse than usually.”

“Good then.” I heard him changing papers and sighed, still looking at my feet. “Are you tired or exhausted right now?”

“Tired.”

“Much?”

“Average.”

“Have you been tired or exhausted lately?”

“Yes.”
With that said I knew that he was looking at me worriedly and was not disappointed when he asked me about it. I told him that I would feel tired or exhausted out of nowhere sometimes and that I actually passed out in school once due to that. I was glad that he didn't talk about that much and just wrote it down before going on.
“What about your vomiting?”

“Less often lately. I haven't vomited during the past few weeks …”

“Any feeling of queasiness inside of your body?”

“After I ate.”

“Constantly?”

“Yes.”
It went on like that for a little while. He had to get into some questions a little more and I understood that, but I didn't like it still. This was basically just putting all of what I was out on the table, exposing everything at once … there was no way I could hide my fate when I was here, and I didn't like that at all.

“Are you eating regularly?” the doctor asked after we had finished most of the questions. “Or is there still that lack of appetite?”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest and replied: “Still a lack of appetite. I tend to skip meals sometimes.”

“Alright then.”
After a few more questions we were finally done with the horrible part and soon went on to the medical examination thingy which I also didn't like.

… I didn't really like anything here, you got the point, I guess.

“Would you please take off your shirt?” he asked me very nicely as he stood up and grabbed his stethoscope.
“Sure.” I mumbled and stood as well, pulling my shirt over my shoulders. I held it in my arms and pressed it against my now chest, waiting for that cold, round button-thing to touch my skin – when it actually did I hissed a little.

“Breathe in slow and deep, please.”
I did as he told me to.

“Say something, please.”
I said my name out loud.

“Pant, please.”
I followed his words, but cringed when it actually really hurt my throat deep down.
“Thank you, Kim Kibum.” the doctor said when I went back to breathing normally on my own. “Please leave your shirt off, we still need to take those X-rays.”
I sighed and face-palmed myself softly when I remembered – right … he had told me that we were going to need to do that this time …
“You can go through here and wait a little, okay?” he opened a door to our right. “I'll be there in a few minutes. Please leave anything with metal and electrical here, yes?” he ruffled my hair carefully before he left the room.

my life.

I took off my belt and necklaces, followed by my bracelets and earrings. Putting them all onto my doctors desk I checked my phone one more time and was relieved to see that I had gotten a text-message from Minho without noticing.

From: Minho-ah
To: Kibum Hyung
Msg.: How is it going, Hyung? You didn't tell me you were going to see the doctor today … Is something wrong?

I found it quite sweet that he cared and so I replied real quickly:

From: Kibum Hyung
To: Minho-ah
Msg.: Don't be such a baby, Minho-ah. I just forgot to tell you. I'm alright as well, so don't worry.

Without waiting for a reply I just left my phone next to my earrings and left the room, entering the one where I had been in for hundreds of times already.

The X-ray room.

It was still just as plain and white as it had been half a year ago, so it was fair of me to say that I hated it.
There was the machine with which he would take a picture of my lung, that weird table that was similar to the one that a dentist had. Usually he would take a picture of my lung only, but today – I remembered now – he wanted to look at more than just that … he wanted to check my stomach as well, in case there were other illnesses spreading that we didn't know about yet … But of course I didn't suspect any and was positive that I was healthy apart from that life-shortening time-bomb inside of me.

It took the doctor only five minutes to get everything he needed and to join me. He told me to lie down, relax and close my eyes so that everything would be over with smoothly.

I obeyed him of course and did as I was told.

All together it was over within just a few minutes and I was soon allowed to put my shirt back on and to wait in the waiting room once more.
I spent the waiting time with checking my phone and being on the internet for a little, hoping that I would be allowed to leave soon. So when I was called in again another thirty minutes had passed and I was getting really annoyed and bothered by literally everything. Because of that I was not surprised when I glared at the nurse when she gave me that look again.

“It hasn't gotten much worse than six months ago.” the doctor said right when I entered the room once more. “Maybe the new medicine is working and finally stopping it from growing … Do you get along well with the medicine? Or does it hurt you in any kind of way?”

“Not really.” I admitted and shrugged as I sat once more. “It only makes me tired.”

“Well that's treatable, so no problem.” he pointed at the picture of my lung and pointed at a little knob right in my left thorax. “This is it.” he said and bit his lip. “It's still in the same place, so we still won't be able to operate you in any way …”

Yeah, I knew that. An operation was too risky … just because that goddamned cancer was way too close to my heart …

If they tried operating it they would most likely damage my heart and then it would be over for real … and there would be no chance of me healing at all …

“You know, Kim Kibum,” he said, lost in thought, “you can consider yourself lucky about that accident that you had. Otherwise we would have never ever found this in time.”

“… I'm so lucky.” I mumbled, hoping that I wouldn't sound too sarcastic.

That stupid accident had thrown my whole life upside down. Not enough that I had been in a coma for months but on top of that I had been diagnosed with lung cancer right after I woke up.
Due to the fire that had been there the doctors had thought that my coughing was just some kind of smoke intoxication, but when the coughing didn't stop, not even after three treatments and various kinds of medicine, they had had that other suspicion … and then, two days later, there was this diagnosis …

Kim Kibum, the boy who had almost died in a car crash, had developed lung cancer even before the accident.

“About time …” he them mumbled, furrowing his brow. “I wouldn't say it was shorten anyhow. It's still as much as we assumed when we took X-rays the last time …”

“… alright.”

“Don't worry about. There is still so much you can do.”

you.

The first time we took X-rays they said I had until the end of the year … so there were only – at most – eleven months left to go …

“I'm going to give you the same medicine from last time, alright?” he finally said and put his glasses back on. “It seemed to have been doing you some good, so please continue to take it.” I agreed halfheartedly and nodded. “Also, please make an appointment with the nurse for next week. I want to see how the medicine keeps on working on you.” I agreed again. “Remember to eat healthy and eat lots so that your body keeps being strong. And, maybe … this is just a suggestion, but I think it would do you some good to leave Seoul for a few days.”
I twitched at that and looked up at him.
“Just for like a weekend.” he smiled warmly and finished writing stuff on that paper in front of him. “The air in big cities is always polluted, you could go to the countryside for a few days just to relax. You do have relatives outside of Seoul, don't you? Since you're not originally from here, I thought?”

“… well, my grandmother lives in Daegu … A little outside, in a suburb.” I mumbled.
“Would she take you in for a weekend, maybe?”

“… I guess … I haven't seen her in a while.”

But I wanted to anyway.

My list had predicted this already. I had wanted to go back to Daegu for a little and visit her … I wanted to cook her a good meal and finally spend time with her again because it had been so long.

“Please tell your parents about it and leave as soon as you can, alright?” he got up, followed by me, and walked around the table. “Take this,” he handed me the paper, “and pick it up at the pharmacy. Don't forget to make your next appointment.”

“Yes. Thank you.” I bowed to him as I turned to leave. He said Goodbye as I walked away and I turned back to him one more time to reply to that. He dismissed me then with another warm smile which I didn't feel like I deserved.

my life, seriously.




*




In the end my father picked me up from the hospital and drove me home since it was already quite late. We didn't really talk a lot after I told him what the doctor said, but that was fine with me – I didn't like talking about it anyway.
And so I just checked my phone all the time and decided to text Minho again just to have something to do. He hadn't replied to my text earlier and that made me mad somehow.

From: Kibum Hyung
To: Minho-ah
Msg.: Are you ignoring me now? Don't you dare to do that. I'll be really mad otherwise. And you don't want that, do you?

I didn't receive a reply which only upset me more.

Of course I was just playing around a little and didn't mean it in a bad or offensive way.

From: Kibum Hyung
To: Minho-ah
Msg.: … don't be like that, please. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm sorry.

But he would still not reply and because of that I got even more upset.

Was he just playing a prank on me now or did he ignore me because he was mad?




*




2013.01.30, Tuesday




Seoul, South Korea

I had talked to my parents and phoned my grandmother earlier today and it was all set – I was going to spend this weekend with her in Daegu.

That way I could continue to work on my list as well.

We decided that I would leave on Friday and return on Monday afternoon so that I could sleep in on Monday morning a little.
I already said that I would pack on Thursday and would not go to school this week because I didn't feel like it. But that was fine anyway. The teachers knew about my illness and said it was fine if I didn't come anymore. If I had to quote them, I'd probably go for that one thing my maths teacher had dropped when he first heard that I was sick.

There's no point in teaching a dead man walking.

That had made me cry as soon as he was gone again, but now I didn't care anymore. I always hated that man anyway, so there was no point in weeping over him at all. He could think about me whatever he wanted and I would do the same.

And in my opinion he was the biggest that I've ever set eyes upon.

I sighed and turned back to what I was doing right now – sitting on my bed with my laptop in front of me. I was watching videos of my favorite Idols and tried to cheer up a little. There were all sorts of cuts from television shows and various music videos, so I just watched all of them and sang along as well as I could.
Usually that would cheer me up like nothing else, but I still found no real joy in it, so I soon stopped. I rolled onto my back and checked my phone once more, feeling sad that I still hadn't received a reply from Minho.

What did I do wrong now?

I had sent him two more messages in which I apologized, but he would still not reply.

In fact, he hadn't even read them yet.

Because of that I almost jumped out of my skin when my phone soon vibrated and showed that I had finally got a text from someone. I checked it, but was disappointed when it wasn't from Minho but from that one someone I hadn't talked to for a few days now.

From: Jonghyunnie
To: Kibummie
Msg.: Let's meet up tomorrow.

I furrowed my brow.

What kind of text was that?

From: Kibummie
To: Jonghyunnie
Msg.: Why would I meet up with you? Are you planning to do something to me?

From: Jonghyunnie
To: Kibummie
Msg.: Hahaha, I knew you'd write that, but no. I'm not going to do something to you. Well, except for treating you to Dinner. So let's meet up tomorrow. It'll be fun.

From: Kibummie
To: Jonghyunnie
Msg.: I highly doubt that.

From: Jonghyunnie
To: Kibummie
Msg.: We can go shopping as well. And after that I'll treat you to Dinner. I'll buy you anything.

I unwillingly bit my lip in anticipation.

From: Kibummie
To: Jonghyunnie
Msg.: Anything? Are you sure about that?

From: Jonghyunnie
To: Kibummie
Msg.: Never been more sure about something. Send me your address and I'll pick you up tomorrow at six o'clock, alright?

I sent him my address and blushed when he sent back:

From: Jonghyunnie
To: Kibummie
Msg.: Thanks, Bummie. Can't wait to see you.




*



2013.01.31, Wednesday




Seoul, South Korea

When the doorbell rang the next day I jumped a little.
I was sitting on my bed, with my hand mirror in front of me and tried to apply some make-up to cover up that one pimple that I had somehow managed to get over night.

I was really, really excited for some reason.

I usually put on some make-up, but today it was more than usually. I wanted to look really good for some reason. Thus I had put on some of my favorite clothes and actually thought that I finally looked quite attractive.

… well, actually it was just a black jeans, white shoes and a white shirt with some weird printing on it that I never bothered to look at, but … I still loved it. And I was wearing that one cap that I had bought once, the one with little teeth underneath of the peak. It looked perfectly with my bright, blonde hair – it had probably my best idea ever when I decided to dye it blonde. It looked ten times better than the black and brown I had had before.

Anyway, when I heard Jonghyuns voice in the hallway, greeting my mother politely, I quickly put the make-up and mirror underneath of my pillow and was about to get up when he was already standing in my door frame.

“You look great.” he greeted me when he saw me. “Do you need help?” he came over and was about to pull my wheelchair from out of the corner over when I denied him.
“I don't need that today.” I said quickly and pointed at my crutches which were leaning against my desk. “Could you hand me those?”
He raised his eyebrow but shrugged and did as I asked him to. As he moved over to there I took the opportunity and quickly examined him thoroughly, feeling a chill run down my spine when I noticed how well he was dressed tonight. He wore a pair of jeans together with a colorful shirt and a leathern jacket – it was totally my style.
“How come you don't need your wheelchair?” he then asked as I got up to my feet. “I thought you couldn't walk?”

“Who told you that?” I snorted. “It's not like I'm crippled, thank you very much.”
He laughed and shook his head. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“Then don't say it like that as well.” even though I really did feel a little offended by him I couldn't help but to forget about that when he smiled at me apologetically. “Anyway, shall we go?”

And with that said we left. He helped me put on my jacket and we left the house together real quickly. He said he had come with his parent's car and that he'd drive us to the shopping center and then to a very fine restaurant he often went to whenever something special happened. When I asked whether it was very expensive he just told me not to worry about that too much.
“It's my treat tonight.” he added with a mischievous grin and chuckled when I gave him a soft glare. “I'm not gonna you, so calm down.”

“I'm completely calm.” I mumbled. “Couldn't be any calmer.”

“You don't really look like it.”

“You say you can read me like an open book, so why do you even bother asking?”
He thought for a moment before he agreed. “There's no point in asking then.” he grinned widely when I pouted. “Like I said, relax. Just think about something you want me to buy, yes? There's not much time.”

“How come?”

“I booked a table for us yesterday. We have an hour.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes but still smiled.

How come he could make me smile so often?

It was crazy.




*




In the end he didn't buy me anything because I couldn't decide. I liked so many things that we saw in that one hour we spent at the shopping center that it would have come up to easily 1.500.000 Won, and Jonghyun said he couldn't afford much more than 120.000, so I just left it with him buying us an – quite expensive – cup of coffee.

We were now already walking up to the restaurant Jonghyun had talked about earlier and I was really surprised about it when we got there. From his brief description I had expected a really exclusive looking house with a lot of people waiting in front, but instead I found myself standing in front of a small house with only poor lighting and almost no people outside.
When I asked him whether he was kidding me he only shook his head and guided me further on ahead.

And when we entered I took my words back immediately.

It was really beautiful inside. The light was dimmed, most things were covered in red and black as there were a lot of little, round tables spread all around.
I unwillingly clung to Jonghyuns hand as he walked further on ahead, pulling me with him.

“Good evening.” he greeted one of the waiters. “I reserved a table for two.” he gave the man his name and soon I found myself sitting on his opposite, having a menu in my hands as he was already looking through it. I felt a bit uncomfortable in here because it seemed so expensive that I knew that I didn't belong here. And, above of that, it got me wondering.

Did Jonghyun really have that much money to just go out and eat?

“Did you decide already?” he soon asked and put his menu down.
“Not really …” I mumbled and peeked at the cheapest menus which happened to be salads only. “I'm probably going to get a salad only …”
He looked at me funnily, checked that on the menu and then said: “Please take something that you really wanna eat and not something cheap. I told you, it's my treat tonight.”

“I'm serious.” I said and gave him a rather cold look. “I'm not that hungry.”
It wasn't a complete lie. I wasn't that hungry, but all of that good food made me want to eat for the first time in a really long time … but it was way too expensive.
“Well, if you say so …” after he mumbled that he looked into the menu again and checked for something different. And when the waiter came over in order to get our order I ordered a 'cheap' salad while he ordered two rather big dishes only for himself.

“Are you that hungry?” I asked with a weird sounding chuckle. “Or are you trying to get fat?”

“Both, maybe.” he said and leaned onto his elbows. “Maybe I just want to lure you into eating something as well.”
I snorted a little and shook my head. “If that's the case then you're really stupid. I'm not gonna let you trick me.”

“Are you not?”

“Definitely not.”

“We'll see about that.” he grinned. “Your hair looks really good today. What did you do about it?”
My hands moved up to my hair at once. “Nothing.” I replied quietly. My heart beat up a little at that, but I didn't know why. “I just combed it in a different way …”
He smiled wider at that. “You should do that more often. It fits you.”

“… thanks.” I returned the smile and also leaned onto my elbows. “Your hair looks good, too.”

“Does it, huh?” he did the same as me and reached up to touch it. “Glad you like it.”

“Yeah, but you should let it cover your forehead the next time.” I allowed myself to let my fingers brush over the gelled tip of his hair. “Having it combed up like this makes it look huge.”
He pouted a little and looked down at the table. “I was told it'd look better like this. People say my forehead is pretty.”
I giggled and said: “I liked it covered more. Now you look like a big bear.”
He broke out into laughter and asked whether that was really that much of a bad thing. When I affirmed that he pouted a little more but smiled anyway.

That little conversation about his hair seemed to break the ice between us and we finally started being more comfortable around each other. We talked about all sorts of things, laughed and had fun as we did so.
I could hardly even remember any time where I was so happy and joyful before.

Sure, Minho made me feel comfortable, but Jonghyun seemed a little different than that somehow …

… but even if I had to describe it, I didn't think I would be able to do it.

When the food came I finished my salad way too quickly and just drank all of my water within one gulp. Jonghyun was taking his time with eating his huge plates of noodles, fish, rice, kimchi and all other sorts of good food and continously glanced at me in a funny way as he ate.
“Do you want to have some as well?” he soon asked as I peeked at the fish. “I'm happy with sharing.”
I didn't reply at once but waited and tried to buy some time – so he really had ordered all of this just to tease me and share it … such a dork. Since I had said I wouldn't let myself be tricked by him I shook my head and stared down at my empty bowl for a while. Though, when he merely placed a bit of fish and rice in my bowl suddenly I couldn't help but laugh.
“I know you're hungry, Bummie.” he mumbled. “Just eat it already. I ordered this much so you'd eat as well.” he pushed the bowls into the middle of the table and waved the waiter over to ask for a second pair of chopsticks.

You sure are something, Jonghyun.

… thanks.




*




Jonghyun drove me home after we finished Dinner and walked me to the house entrance. I hadn't noticed that he had his arm around my waist until we were finally standing still – and that made me blush a little.

“I had a lot of fun tonight, Kibum-ah.” he said and grinned when I desperately tried to pull the keys out of my pocket. “Would you want to meet up again some time?”
I hesitated for a moment before I said: “Sure … why not …” I put on a grin when I added: “But don't you dare to treat me to Dinner again. This was too expensive.”

“It wasn't that expensive.”

“My parents couldn't afford that …” I raised my eyebrows at him and pinched his cheek quickly. “So don't say it's cheap. You won't impress me with expensive food, anyway.”

“I wasn't trying to impress you.”

“Good for you then.”
We fell into a comfortable silence and just looked at each other for a moment. I noticed how pretty the light of the street was sparkling in his dark eyes, saw how pretty and still defined his lips were and how good his forehead looked despite the rather bad hairdo.
What was going on with me right now?
He was examining me just as much as I was doing it to him and I felt a shiver run down my spine when he suddenly leaned closer. His lips were nearing mine, I could feel his warm breath on my skin and was just about to close my eyes and give myself to him.

However, it was only nearly.

Within just one second I got back to my senses. I opened my eyes fully again and leaned backwards, putting one of my hands onto his chest. He froze at once and backed off a little. I felt a little sad when he removed his arm from my waist.
“Sorry.” he said and chuckled a little. “I got carried away.”
I didn't reply but only smiled and finally put the keys into the keyhole.
“Can I text you tomorrow?”
I nodded.
“See you soon then …” he took a step backwards and watched as I entered the house. I closed it without speaking to him one more time and regretted it quickly. So instead I mumbled a Bye to myself and took a deep breath before limping upstairs to my home.




*



2013.02.02, Friday




Railway between Seoul and Daegu, South Korea

Friday came faster than I would have expected. Before I even knew it I was on the train, heading for Daegu with a rather big suitcase in the holder above of my head.
I was on my phone continously because I was so bored. On top of that, Minho had finally replied to my text the day before yesterday. He apologized a lot and said that his phone had been broken and that there had been no time for him to just come over and check up on me. I said it was fine when in reality I was kind of pissed at that. It was not only that he had made me believe that he was mad at me but I also hadn't had the chance to see him again before I left – and that made me really sad. I missed him.
Usually I wouldn't go to school when Minho and I had plans for the week, but since he hadn't talked to me I hadn't had anything better to do and just went there, 'studying'.

I didn't like it though.

My teacher had apparently told all of my classmates why I wasn't coming to school frequently anymore and now everyone was staring at me in a really sad matter, some even told me that they were really sorry while some jerks joked about it.

That was the reason why I hated school so much.

Some people were just heartless.

They said things like It was about time for you to catch something like that and Thank god you're not going to be around anymore, or they would just imitate to be smoking around me and pant the life out of themselves. When I had once lost it and started crying and screaming at one of those guys my maths teacher happened to see it. He had come over and sent me to the principal's office where I was told that I couldn't just do that to my fellow students, not even when they were doing things like that.

… I hated school so much.

That's why I never stayed much longer than two or three hours. I would visit the class that I liked a lot and leave right after, so that those s would have no chance of meeting me in any kind of way.

When Minho sent me a nice text all of a sudden I smiled unwillingly, but didn't reply. I didn't feel like it anymore for some reason. Instead I started listening to music, locked my phone and just stared out of the window.
The fingers of my free hand were scratching my wheelchair as I watched how the world passed me by outside. My head felt a little heavy as I tried hard not to get too sad all of a sudden. I tried to think about something positive. I hadn't seen my grandmother for a while now, even though it had been her to raise me while we had still lived in Daegu.

… she didn't know that I had cancer.

We didn't want her to know because my grandfather had died of cancer himself. My parents believed that she might not handle it well if she found out that I was going to die of it myself …

So we only told her that I had lost the ability to walk in that accident, which would explain why I was in a wheelchair … I left the part of explaining why I had died to my parents.

I didn't have to care anymore when that time came.




*




2013.02.03, Saturday


 

Daegu, South Korea

I really enjoyed my time with my grandmother right now. We were sitting in her little living room – well, I was sitting in my wheelchair while she was on the floor – and were just drinking a cup of tea. She had those traditional tables and tea cups, it was just like I remember it from when I was young.
Whenever I visited her we never really did a lot except for spending time together and talking, but that was alright with me of course. Above of that, I found it so relaxing to listen to the dialect that I had grown up with again, since I couldn't use it in Seoul … people wouldn't understand me well then, so I had to speak like they did there.
My Grandmother was the one to talk about how busy her daily life was and that she was really happy to see me again after so long. I only smiled at her and continued drinking as I looked at her.

She was just what anyone would expect of an old, Korean lady – small with white hair and wrinkles covering her face. Her eyes were naturally quite feline, just like mine, and her lips had the same shape as mine.

I had more from her than I knew, I figured. I probably even took over some of her habits while she had been raising me.

“Grandma.” I accidentally cut her off and twitched a little when I realized that she had been in the middle of talking.
“What is it, honey?” she asked and leaned a little forward, right over her small table. “Go on!” she waved around with her hands when I hesitated – I hated interrupting people … at least if they weren't Minho.
“I wanted to ask,” I mumbled and smiled uneasily, “if I could cook for you tonight?”
That seemed to catch her off-guard. She raised her eyebrows and said: “Cook? But you don't have to cook for me, Kibum!” she smiled widely and added: “I don't want you to overdo it! Just let your Granny cook, yes? And if you're hungry, then just say it and I will–“

“No, I really want to cook tonight.”
She seemed quite taken aback by it, but just agreed in the end. Even though I didn't really like her question that followed: “But how come you suddenly wanna cook, sweetie? The last time you cooked for me was a long time ago.”

“T-That's why.” I said quickly. “Because it's been a while …”

“That's nice.” she smiled and continued sipping her tea without thinking about it much more.

I couldn't possibly tell her that I only wanted to do it because it was most likely going to be the last time, could I?




*




Even though Minho called me many times while I was in the kitchen I didn't pick up to him. Instead I declined the call and just continued working on what I was planning to get onto the table tonight.

It wasn't going to be something special … not at all. I wasn't the best cook out there after all.
… so I was only going to get some fish with rice and a few side-dishes onto the table.

I had told my grandmother not to come downstairs under any circumstances and she promised not to and to sleep instead. Because of that only – and because of the closed and locked kitchen door – I dared not to move around in my wheelchair now. I might have been feeling ill yesterday, but it was a lot better already. And rolling around in the small kitchen with that thing would only be bothersome, so I was walking and standing.
The fish was already boiling, same went for the rice, so I hurried over to take care of it. Still, when my phone suddenly vibrated and showed that it was Jonghyun who was calling me this time I felt my heart drop a little.

Ever since he tried kissing me after our … 'date' … we hadn't really talked much.

However, in the end I really did pick up and was relieved when he didn't want to talk about our date. Instead he only seemed to want to have a chat with me, and I really enjoyed that.
It got as far as for me to even burn some of the rice – even though that had never happened to me before –, causing me to cuss at him for distracting me. He only laughed it off, but that was alright as well.

Somehow he couldn't make me mad …

“How long are you going to stay with your grandmother?” he then asked as I finished putting everything on different plates.
“I'm going back on Monday afternoon.” I replied and jammed the phone in between my cheek and shoulder so that I could carry the plates.
“Don't you have to go to school?”

“No. I don't really go to school anymore.”

“Ah, so you finished already? Are you working?”

“Uh, not quite … I don't really wanna talk about it.”

“I can tell.” he sounded a little concerned, but didn't bother me about it much. “Maybe you'll tell me one day.”
My heart beat a little weirdly at that as I opened the door of the kitchen carelessly and stepped outside into the living room. I was balancing the plates on my palms and tried not to trip. It was a little difficult, but I eventually managed to get by.

“Maybe someday.” I mumbled then. “But not now.”

“That's good then.”
We continued chatting as I finished preparing the table. However, I almost jumped out of my skin when I soon turned around and faced my grandmother. She was looking at me with sad eyes and her thin arms crossed in front of her chest – I felt my heart drop at that sight and immediately cursed myself for being so loud … I had probably woken her up by talking to Jonghyun.

“I-I gotta go now …” I mumbled quietly and stared down at my feet, feeling ashamed of myself. “Sorry.”

“Is everything alright?” Jonghyun asked and I could picture him furrowing his brow. “You're not in trouble, are you?”

“… I guess you could say that.” I said with a chuckle. “Don't worry though.”

“Can I call you later?”

“Of course. You'd better call me.”
He laughed at that and promised to do so later on. And even though I knew I had had to hang up I found myself in an awkward silence as I stood there, on my grandmother's opposite with some empty plates in my hand. She was only examining me, but I would have preferred it if she would've been yelling at me.

“Are you not gonna say anything?” I asked and tried not to move my legs much. “I'm sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” she asked and her expression changed. She looked at me with concern now. “Is this not too much for you?” she came over quickly and took the plates from me. “Go sit down, sweetie. I'll get the rest for you.” she pushed me aside real quickly and hurried into the kitchen, leaving me to myself for a moment.
I was utterly confused by now – why was she acting like this?

She had just found out that it had been a lie that I couldn't walk … didn't she want an explanation or anything?

I just sat down on the floor, at the table which I had prepared so well, and watched as she came back with two bowls and two pairs of chopsticks in her hands.
“There you go.” she said happily and put both of it down in front of me. “Thanks for cooking for me, Kibum.” without even bothering about me feeling weird she started digging in. As I was just watching her she soon encouraged me to eat as well and just laughed when I twitched a little at that.
“What's wrong with you?” she asked as I started eating the rice I had cooked myself just a little while ago. “It tastes really good. You're so talented, honey!”

“… thanks.” I mumbled. “But … aren't you angry?”

“About what? About that wheelchair taking away space in my kitchen? Kibum, when you're as old as me you'll learn that there are worse things than that.”

“… I didn't mean that.”

“… Kibum, there's no reason for me to be angry.” she smiled so widely that her eyes disappeared for a second. “I know a paralytic when I see one … and you're definitely not one of them.” when I blinked she chuckled. “You are a wonderful and talented person, my dear grandson, but acting is not one of your strong points. My husband was in a wheelchair, remember? … I figured you'd be the same, but you weren't. You've got something else. And I know exactly what it is … There is no reason for me to be angry, Kibum. Especially not at you.”

I hated how that made me cry a river.

I hated how she was so understanding and caring.

I just hated that I was so sick.

Putting my chopsticks and bowl aside I buried my face in my hands and just let the tears drip down my cheeks – I was glad that she knew. More glad than I would have expected to be, actually.
When she leaned over and grabbed my hand I didn't dare to look up but felt my lips curl into a soft smile.

“You don't have to be so afraid.” she said and the back of my hand with her thumb. “It's gonna be alright, you'll see.” I sobbed a little and closed my eyes. My throat was burning so much that it hurt. My grandmother came over real soon and embraced me gently, letting me cry against her shoulder. “I'm not angry, Kibum.” she whispered. “No-one is angry at you. You're just a little stressed out. And you're over-thinking things. Calm down and don't think about it. You don't have to rush anything, you know? No-one is expecting you to do things you can't do.”

“… t-that's not it.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
“What is it then?”

“… I don't even know.” and that was no lie. That was the truth in it's purest form.
How else could I describe what I was feeling right now?

I didn't know anything at all lately.

Things were being thrown upside down continously, I had no time to relax or to take a time out. There was always something that had to be done, something that I had to take care of … on top of that there was my list … the one that needed to be finished so very badly …
How could I not finish it … those were my wishes … it had to be done.

We didn't speak from then on, but my grandmother would sometimes repeat what she had said just now.

You don't have to be afraid.

It's gonna be alright.

No-one is angry at you.

Calm down and don't think about it.

You don't have to rush.

And then, when I thought I would finally be able to relax I heard her saying that one sentence that was calming me the most of all.

No-one is expecting you to do things you can't do.

My parents never talked to me like that. The only thing they say in me ever since that diagnosis was that little, ill boy that they had to care for since it was their one and only child. Of course they did everything to make me feel better, but listening to things like this was calming on a whole new level.
No-one bother to tell me that it was going to be alright because it wasn't.

I was going to die.

And nothing could stop that.

Not even my doctor bothered to tell me not to worry. Instead he told me how much time I had left … and that I should use it wisely.

“… thanks, Grandma.”




*




2013.02.05, Monday




Railway between Daegu and Seoul, South Korea

I was surprised how fast this weekend had passed.

One moment ago I was having breakfast with my grandmother and now I was already on the train on my way back to Seoul where I was going to be picked up by Minho – yeah, I was talking to him again after his long 'I'm so sorry, please forgive me' – text last night.
It almost seemed like there was no difference from when I had left last Friday … but in reality there was one.

A big one.

My grandmother had known about me having lung cancer all this time. She had only played along because she wanted me – or my parents – to tell her because we felt like it was the right thing to do … and not because we had to. She said she knew how patients of cancer were behaving, how they always had the same, distant and desperate look in their eyes, no matter what they did. She told me all about how sad she was when she realized what was wrong with me, but by now she had grown accustomed to it.

I'm never going to get over losing my only grandchild.

She had told me while cupping my face with her soft hands.

But if there is nothing we can do anymore all of us have to live with it, I guess … It was the same for my husband, you know …? When we realized there was no chance for him to make it through we decided to use all the time he had left wisely. However, we didn't force ourselves into it in any kind of way. If your heart tells you to do something, then do it. No matter what the chances are that it could go wrong. Even if it sounds wrong … you have nothing left to lose anymore, Kibum.
Just live every single day like it is your last.




*




When I left the train in my wheelchair I felt like a new person.

I was more confident about myself and my own illness and I wasn't going to let it bring me down, no way.

Looking around the platform I felt myself smiling when I saw Minho walking up to me, raising his hand in order to greet me properly. And still, my smile only grew wider when I saw the – by now – familiar face of Kim Jonghyun next to him.

For some reason, I was really happy to see him right now.




*




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I've been working so much (and so long) on this chapter ... probably because the focus wasn't on Key visiting his grandmother only. I wanted to deepen the JongKey a little bit, so that the plot will make sense later on. I hope no-one minds that, but I guess that everyone is happy about JongKey, right? *prays* ^^;

Anyway, thank you very much for your patience and for your nice comments, I'm really, really happy everytime I read one of them because they are what makes me keep on writing stories like this one :3
I hope this chapter was alright and that you liked it ^_^

Thanks for reading!!~