The First Time
Closing of Broken Hearts
"How did you know I was here?"
Stiffed in their seats, numerous sneaking of glances towards each other but not even once their eyes managed to meet. The rain have stopped right after they got shelter inside Jonghyun's car.
The very unlikely person spoke with her broken voice, ceasing the tension igniting between the cozy space that could almost reach into their souls. Her hands are clasped and trembling due to an unshakeable feeling.
She looked at him in slight endearment and the moment she leveled her stare with his gentle eyes, she realized how stupid her question was. This is Kim Jonghyun and this is the person whom often knew things that even herself wasn't aware of.
"I went to your house but you weren't there" He said. "But before that, I went to the cafe and Sooyoung and Taeyeon told me you're with Minho and that you're trying to figure things out so I thought you'd come here just like the old days"
She flinched, having a thought that Jonghyun might have really known of her feelings towards Minho since that night they had their first conversation in Han River prior to his confrontation regarding it and that he knew she lied. But nonetheless, it doesn't matter to her.
He didn't have the urge to speak more. There's still shame present inside him, being that close of bringing pain to her in his own hands. It's crystal clear in his head the numerous times he promised Yoona that he doesn't want her to get hurt but it's ironic that he could've done so. He despised himself till this very moment due to an uncontrollable fear of losing her but he'll despise himself even more if he'll not amend his mistake.
"I'm sorry I almost hurt you last night. I snapped and I lost it and...."
"Minho" She spoke in dry voice. "He let me go because...." Her eyes twitched and she squeezed them for a second. "he thinks that I love you and I....feel that I do"
This time, he watched her with small confusion towards the news coming out from . Her words somehow brushed away the worry inside him but the existing feeling and thoughts running in him remained difficult to visualize "Huh?" He muffled under his breath. His eyebrows arched against each other and throwing his head back a bit. His hands gripped the seat, almost digging his finger into the leather. He held his breath expecting something beyond his expectations.
"When Minho kissed me last night" She proceeded. "all I could think of is you. So I told him that I can't do it and ran away" She fixed her gaze at a definite spot, wanting him to witness every truth of every detail she will pronounce. It's burdening for her, looking at his unfathomable deep brown eyes, as it deplicts her guts down to its very bottom but at this moment, nothing else matter but letting out what she really feels.
"I kept asking myself why I ran away and why I turned him down. I kept on pushing myself that this is what I should want because I deserve it and it will make me happy. It's what I've been fighting for years and it's already happening in front of me. But no matter how much the reasons I have in my hands, I.....I couldn't bring myself to accept it because of you" She paused, flaunting a curve at the corner of her lips.
He deliberately moved his head away. His mouth, half-open with intent of reaffirming if he's hearing it right but could barely make a sound. He closed it and returned to his past composure.
"And now, I just found myself coming here because I knew I'll find the answers. I tried looking through everything beyond just remembering us and I realized that if I ever let myself be consumed just by that kiss, it would make me feel that I have betrayed my feelings.....my love for you. I could've made the same mistake that I've been doing for so many years, I would be regretting the same mistake for the rest of my life and I would never have the happiness that my heart has now succeeded to tell me which I truly deserve"
She sighed and the only thing she could do is look at her freezing hands. It's like millions of nails were pulled out of her chest and were changed by an adamant glee she's feeling for the first time, bringing more soothe and ease to her breathing. The words she just said, they were more than just words that she reveried to speak but words that symbolizes the little courage she earned - to be unafraid for herself even for just one time to grasp towards her chances before it's too late again.
She felt something warm and shivering that tapped her hand indistinctively; a spill from her eyes swiftly rolled down in her chilling cheeks. She is crying and she couldn't remember the last time she cried because she's happy or if it ever happened.
"Hey, please don't cry" He leaned closer to her and reached both of her hands resting above her lap and caressed them gently and kissed it. He stared at her eyes with guaranteed warmth, comfort and love he's more than willing to give. His one hand, trembling as he tucked few pieces of unruly hair behind her ear and wiped the tears welling her beautiful face. He always adored her perfect features and now, he have the chance to finally admire it as longer as he could.
His hands are as warm as the sun, she can feel it rushing through her. His fingers tracing over her cheekbones that give a settling sensation. The room is so small they felt as though every part of them is sensitive to actions done by one another. She could not move or look away anymore. And this time she knew that it was no power that he was using, but simply the wildfire attraction between them. It was useless to deny it; her body responded to his. She could feel his breath hovering her lips. Their hearts beating like an animal freed from its cage.
They kissed and none of them wavered when their lips met. It's slow and gradual, both have unfamiliarity. Though Jonghyun have kissed numerous girls, a natural stirring feeling occupied his stomach, a first for him. He knew he had to control the inner man in him. This is the girl he loves and there's no way he'd be blunt and careless towards her.
But it's then he felt her hand his hair and the other over his neck with pressure. He couldn't contain the unbearable tension lingering inside him as Yoona reciprocates, drawing him deeper to her - finally giving in.
Their kiss became passionate with enticing heat travelling in their bodies but Jonghyun remained gentle. His mouth tasted like a hot mulled wine. Yoona never felt this frantic and intensed kissing someone and it's the first time she let her feelings lead her. It made her feel so liberated as if she can do anything she refused to do before.
Regret visited upon her reminiscing the first time Jonghyun kissed her and her infamous escape to her bathroom. She can still recall the smile that unexpectedly displayed on her face when she looked at her image in front of the mirror with her finger touching her lips. She was admittedly in joy but she declined his act of intimacy because of her conservative self and inchoative feelings for him but she's sure this time - she's not gonna run away.
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His eyes have been staring at the ceiling for almost half an hour. He's lying his back on his vibrant blue covered bed, arms spread widely consuming the very vast of comfort his tired body can get. The night is freezing due to the cold rain a while ago but it was bearable. The lights were off and everything is dreadfully silent but it wasn't making the usual impact in him like it used to.
Previously for quite a number of times, he would be sulking in this room by himself. He'd put peace to his heart that he'll be alright and if he failed to do so, this room witnessed his images of frustrations and self-loathing. He usually failed and those furstrations and self-loathing only resulted into one action - running his way back to Yoona who's at the same time, the only one who can mend him.
His thinking went into a pause as the phone beside his head buzzed. It was Taeyeon. He didn't wonder the sudden attention from her and answered the call cluelessly.
"Hey, wh.."
"How did it go?" Taeyeon asked with anticipation in her voice. She's sitting on her couch with her legs crossed underneath her, watching a black and white film which sound that Minho can somehow hear.
"Well..." Minho is smirking through the phone and giggling.
"Quit with the tease" Taeyeon yelled.
"Okay, fine I'll tell" He said. "I let her go" He bit his lip caused by his anxiousness, realizing it's already too late to have latter hesitations of telling her knowing that she'd react agressively about it.
It took a minute for Taeyeon to respond, frozen on her seat and still pondering Minho's words in her brain that suddenly went dysfunctional. "Am I hearing it right?"
"Yes. I let her go. Newsflash isn't it?"
"It is, Minho. I just never thought you'd give up"Taeyeon pursed her lips, feeling certain sympathy for him. "So, are you alright?"
He scanned through the dark room. He isn't searching for an answer, he only wanted to confirm it for the second time before he said it out loud. "Unexpectedly, it felt good" He let out a breath. "You know how Yoona is always the one who does things for me and even if it's obviously hurtful letting go someone you love, I'm happy to do something for her this time. Just now, I thought maybe Yoona and Jonghyun are soulmates and the reason why we are friends is for them to meet and love each other"
He laid his eyes once again on his room filled with emptiness and dense blankness surrounding it but it doesn't signify the supposed agony he must feel for letting Yoona go. It meant that he needs to make a new and different start.
"I realized that maybe I had to do this, that I should renew myself from the person who used to rely his decisions on one person. And letting her go was the first decision that I've made for myself, that should be a good start" He smiled.
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She missed walking on this same street leading to her home with her hand being held within Jonghyun's grip. She missed talking to him without other else occupying her mind but him. His smile, laugh and innate sweetness that nobody perfected to do effect on her but solely him. At this moment, she couldn't think of anything else in mind but look at his figure which she wished she could see everyday.
She's thankful he was there and until now, he's with her and he didn't go anywhere but near her. She wouldn't reach this point if it wasn't for him. And right now, she's more than just grateful with everything he has done. She learned to love him and he loves her back and it wasn't some kind of a coincidence - she decided it in her own will. But a part makes her feel that it's unfair for him.
"Are you listening?"
They're already in front of her house and realized they already stopped walking. Jonghyun is waving his hand about her face as she seemed to be spacing out. She threw her head back and blinked her eyes, obliviously looking at him.
"Is there something bothering you?" He concernedly asked.
She stared at him and he's patiently waiting for her to speak, almost consuming the whole second present in the clock. She held her breath and opened , groping for a word but chose to decline. "Nothing. I'll get it in now. You should go home too since it's already late"
She reluctantly slips her hand from his grasp but he held her hand tighter and pulled her closer to him. He gently grabbed her by the shoulders and displayed a soft look in his face that delivered a light feeling to her.
It's hard not to be honest with him. He never lied to her and it puts her nowhere to do the opposite. But she can't predict the odds of truthfully confessing to him the doubts she is having for herself and the possibilities for the two of them. She just don't want to hurt him and she's scared she might albeit having no intentions.
"You know we cannot just jump into something different, right?" She finally said, depicting her words to be vague.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want you to think and feel that maybe I only loved you because you're there for me all through out. Right now, there's nothing else that I wanted more to be real than this...us and I want me to make you feel that. What I'm...."
"I'll wait" He said without a wince.
"What?"
"I know you'd say that" He said and she shivered under his words. "You always want to take things slow~" He sang in same tune of ordinary people by john legend and laughed by the end of it and heard Yoona giggling over it.
"I didn't know you can sing. I should have asked you to sing more to me during my sleep" She smiled and felt touched by his voice sounding like an angel.
"When you said that you love me, I want you to know that I believed you and until now, tomorrow and the coming days, months andyears, I'll still believe you because I love you too. And I understand if you're feeling such way. You've been through beyond what love can possibly do to one person" He paused. "So I'll wait till you think you're ready and I don't care how long it would take. I'll wait, Yoona"
"But can you stay by my side?" She asked and looked at him with her eyes rendering emotion.
"I will" He closed his eyes and planted his lips over her forehead. He wrapped her in his embrace and whispered to her ear.
"I love you"
"I love you too"
a/n: one chapter to go and i'm already writing it. I'm sorry if took time for me to update. I'm in the middle of planning a new fanfic so my focus was driven by that. About this chapter, I think it's evident that Yoona doesn't want to rush things. She wanted Jonghyun to feel her love as much as he did to her. And Jonghyun understood that it's what she wanted for now. For the next chapter, there will be a jump in time and I will emphasize what happened between the characters during the years. It remains a question if Yoona and Jonghyun will end up together and what is ahead of Minho. I'll try to deliver a good ending. I know you may disagree with the possible end game so just subscribe to my new fanfic (co-authors with a friend) because it's a MinYoon fanfic with a little of Kai in it to form a love triangle. Hehehe
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