a/n     hi, guys. bye, guys.

Nichkhun’s next visit was expected, so it doesn’t come out as a surprise when the said guy enters Wooyoung’s ward that one evening, just an hour after Minjun and Fei had left.

Wooyoung finds the window more interesting, and safer, to look at than at Nichkhun. Windows don’t make him nervous, or make his heart skips a bit. Windows don’t bring any pain or any other feelings like Nichkhun does, so as much as Wooyoung wants to turn to face Nichkhun, Wooyoung doesn’t think he’s ready yet.

Wooyoung does, however, see Nichkhun slowly approaching the bed through his peripheral view. He hears footsteps getting closer and then feels a weight sitting down on the edge of the bed, close to Wooyoung’s leg. For a while, neither of them says a word until Wooyoung can’t stand the silence anymore and tears his gaze away from the window, to his hands clasped tightly on his lap.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” Wooyoung admits, voice barely above whispers.

“Well,” Nichkhun says, voice just as soft. Wooyoung blinks his eyes to Nichkhun’s red sneakers, bravely but slowly trailing his gaze up to Nichkhun’s legs clad in ripped jeans, loose t-shirt on his body and then up to his wet and messy hair. Wooyoung swallows a gasp because even though Nichkhun looks noticeably tired, the simple sight of him close to Wooyoung like this still takes his breath away. “How about for starters, you can apologize to me first,” Nichkhun continues, his voice pulling Wooyoung out of his reverie. Nichkhun sniffles and wet his lips with his tongue, and Wooyoung aches to touch and feel Nichkhun but something stops him from reaching out to the other guy. Nichkhun is right. All that Wooyoung could say to Nichkhun right now are apologies, but when Wooyoung doesn’t say a thing, Nichkhun turns his head to look at Wooyoung and their gazes locked together. Wooyoung can’t find his voice, mouth slightly opening but there is no sound coming out. He looks away, brings his knees closer to his chest and grips on the hem of the blanket tightly. “You really don’t have anything to say to me?” Nichkhun asks, almost wondering to himself.

“Are we friends again, at least?”

Friends? Wooyoung echoes mentally. He’s not sure he wants to get back to square one with Nichkhun. Being friends means Wooyoung can’t have all of Nichkhun, means they have to set boundaries between them again and that thought hurts because Wooyoung will be just like the others, will not be someone special (anymore). But isn’t this what you wanted? The voice in his head says. This is what you wanted, it tries to convince.

So Wooyoung, despite the shake in his heart, manages to smile even if it’s just a small one. “I— I guess…” Nichkhun only nods once, looking away from Wooyoung with a hint of disappointment and sadness in his gaze cast down on the floor before they lapse into another silence— long and draggy. The air is heavy with unspoken words. It’s like both of them have so much things to say to each other but neither wants to be the first to speak, as if they don’t know what’s okay to talk about and what’s not okay. It’s almost awkward, this territory they fell on. It’s almost…sad.

“I guess I should go now. You probably need your rest,” Nichkhun says quietly. His announcement sounds unsure, like he didn’t really mean it. Maybe he wants Wooyoung to make him stay because maybe he doesn’t want to leave yet. Wooyoung doesn’t want him to leave but he only nods his head, casting his gaze down when Nichkhun shoots him a disappointed look. “Well then, I’ll leave,” he gets up from the bed.

Wooyoung watches Nichkhun’s back, watches as he walks further away from Wooyoung without stopping or turning back around to give one last look. Wooyoung gathers his courage and voice, calling out Nichkhun’s name just as Nichkhun is about to slide the door open. He stops where he is, hand on the door without looking at Wooyoung, but appears to be waiting to hear whatever Wooyoung is about to say next. “I’m— I’m sorry.”

The silence from Nichkhun is nerve-racking but nothing is more heartbreaking than his smile that does not reach his face and his “It’s okay.” that neither one of them believes.

There’s nothing colder than the emptiness Nichkhun left behind when he walks out that door.

+

It’s odd how they’re almost always pulled into an awkward and uncomfortable silence whenever Nichkhun comes to visit, but as the time passes by and visits become more frequent, the silence slowly makes itself comfortable around Wooyoung and Nichkhun. Nichkhun’s visits are always short— they eat meals together, sit down in silence and then Nichkhun will excuse himself to go. Wooyoung never asks Nichkhun to stay. It’s mostly because he’s ashamed, but it’s also because sometimes Wooyoung gets so tired and in need of rest that even Nichkhun knows when to leave him alone.

Today feels a little strange than usual because of two things; Wooyoung isn’t feeling as tired as he should be and Nichkhun is sticking around longer than his usual visit. Now they’re not necessarily bad. In fact, it’s kind of nice actually— to not feel so dead tired for once and having Nichkhun’s company. It’s…refreshing.

Wooyoung continues with his sketches, glancing at Nichkhun sitting on the chair at the end of the bed every once in awhile. The only thing that hasn’t changed is how quiet Nichkhun is. He seems lost in his thoughts, the slight frown on his face makes Wooyoung wonders what kind of things are playing in his head. Wooyoung stops drawing to stare at Nichkhun, whom by now is absently tracing his thumb on the tattoo on his wrist. By reflex, Wooyoung finds his thumb tracing on his own tattoo as well.

“Nichkhun?” Wooyoung calls softly, having Nichkhun’s attention immediately on him. “Talk to me.”

“About what?”

Wooyoung wets his lips nervously and puts the pencil down on the overbed table, closing his sketchbook shut. “Are you...mad at me?” Wooyoung asks. He knows how stupid that question is because Nichkhun is obviously upset at him for everything he’s put him through, but Wooyoung feels like they need to talk about it and that’s his way to start. Nichkhun sighs heavily after a while. “What?”

“Can I—,” Nichkhun hesitates. He grabs his right wrist and clenches his fist before continuing: “Can I come closer?”

Wooyoung swallows the lump down his throat, his gaze softening with pain and sympathy. He wants to tell Nichkhun that he didn’t have to ask, but then remembers they’re friends and they have to respect each other’s space now. “Of course,” he whispers. Nichkhun presses his lips into a thin line, silently moving the chair so that he’s nearer to Wooyoung now. He’s sitting just beside Wooyoung, leaning forward to the bed and resting a folded arm on the mattress. Wooyoung notes with a dull ache that this is the closest he’s been to Nichkhun ever since he broke their relationship off. He clenches his fists and rests his hands on the overbed table to stop himself from reaching for Nichkhun’s hand.

Nichkhun puffs his cheeks out and rubs his hands on his face for very quick seconds before clasping them together and pressing the lower part of his face on it. Wooyoung wonders what Nichkhun is thinking about, but doesn’t press him to say it out loud. Quietly, Wooyoung drinks in the sight of Nichkhun— those long eyelashes, pointed nose, those lips that make him miss the feeling of his own lips pressed on them. He misses Nichkhun, that much he can admit to himself.

“Is it okay if I—,” Nichkhun hesitates slightly, snapping Wooyoung from his thoughts.

“Hmm?” Wooyoung inquires with a hum, eyebrows slightly raised when he notices Nichkhun is staring at something on the bed. The sketchbook? Wooyoung looks at the book, encouraging Nichkhun to continue with a “If you…?”

Nichkhun inhales and exhales deeply. “If I hold your hand?” he says without hesitance this time, surprising Wooyoung with his request that he turns and accidently catches Nichkhun’s gaze in a lock. Wooyoung feels his heart skips a bit, eyes blinked dumbly as he stares back at Nichkhun, before making his decision and timidly nodding his head. Wooyoung watches as Nichkhun’s hand slowly and carefully reaches for his, lacing their fingers together and squeezing their hands tight. The warmth is familiar and comforting.

“Why did you do it?” Nichkhun wants to know, his voice soft and quiet. He doesn’t sound distant, and that’s honestly a relief to Wooyoung.

“I told you I didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m just so sick and pathetic. Seeing how much pain I’m causing to my family, I just didn’t want to put you through the same thing. I wanted you to learn to move on and be happy. I wanted you to go back to your life before you found me.”

“I don’t want to get back to that life,” Nichkhun says. “A life without you in it; I don’t want that.”

Wooyoung feels his eyes swell with tears, a weak laugh escapes his mouth. “I’m going to die anyway so might as well try to learn to live with it.” Nichkhun turns really, eerily quiet at that. “K-Khun?”

“Who said you’re going to die?”

“I—,” Wooyoung turns speechless at that. He’s not sure if Nichkhun still doesn’t know or if he’s just in denial, but Wooyoung feels bad all the same. “Khun,” he blinks sympathetically. “I—I’m not getting better.”

“Just—please. Please stop lying to me,” Nichkhun pleads with a quivering voice. Something inside of Wooyoung cracks.

“I’m not lying to you,” Wooyoung says, voice suddenly hushed as if he’s afraid of breaking Nichkhun more. “I really am not getting better. My heart will stop functioning eventually and will stop beating…It’s in a bad shape right now.”

Nichkhun looks stunned with what he heard, fear in his eyes. “Tell me you’re lying. Tell me you’re only trying to push me away again.”

“Nichkhun…Please. I’m—”

“Just stop, okay?” Nichkhun pulls his hand away and frowns. “It can’t be true. I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe you wanted to leave me without saying proper goodbye, that—that if you go— God forbid—, I was going to find out about it through the mouths of others when it's already too late?”

Wooyoung blinks the tears from his eyes, letting them leave a trail down his cheeks. He doesn't have anything to say to Nichkhun. He wanted to say it’s not true, but he can’t because he knows Nichkhun is right. Hearing it being said aloud makes Wooyoung realized how unfair and terrible it is to Nichkhun, and Wooyoung feels really awful.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Nichkhun looks shaken by the truth and realization, eyes dimmed with hurt. “It can’t—. You can’t—,” he pleads, helpless, and then shakily tries to pull himself back together. “Okay, listen—There are millions of doctors in the world, one or ten of them out there can save you.”

With a shaky smile, Wooyoung watches Nichkhun desperately explaining about different heart transplant surgeries he’d read before, about knowing someone who might know someone who can help and so on. He’s not actually listening because the only thing he can think about right there, is how Nichkhun just got his heart broken and feelings hurt by Wooyoung, and yet Nichkhun is still putting Wooyoung and his health first over everything else. It’s so unfair how Nichkhun can still make Wooyoung fall in love with him even at times like this.

He wipes the tears dry. “Nichkhun,” Wooyoung calls, trying to make Nichkhun stop talking and look at him instead. But Nichkhun can’t hear him, not when he’s got up from the chair, busy dialling a number on his phone and rambling in English to himself. Wooyoung takes a deep breath in and out, and calls for Nichkhun again in a louder but gentler tone. When Nichkhun finally looks at Wooyoung, Wooyoung tries to smile at him and carefully pulls Nichkhun’s hand holding the phone, away from his ear. Then he holds Nichkhun’s hands in his, pulling Nichkhun to face him fully and into a hug. “It’s alright,” he says. He doesn’t know who he is fooling. Nothing is okay, nothing is alright, but feeling Nichkhun in his arms like this, everything else ceases to matter.

“You’re going to be fine,” Nichkhun says quietly, stubborn and unwilling to accept any other truth than his own wish. “You have to be alright.”

“I’m sorry. It’s okay. It’ll be alright,” Wooyoung promises emptily. Wooyoung hums in contentment when Nichkhun hugs him back and allows himself to sink deeper into Nichkhun’s embrace, feeling comforted at Nichkhun’s warmth and smelling his scent. “You’ll be alright,” he states, more to Nichkhun than to himself.