a/n   shout-out to dreamstar  because this kw and some scenes in the fic are somehow unknowingly inspired by our kw on....some site lol. also for making the beautiful main poster for this fic.

sorry for the late and lame update :) thanks for sticking with this story nonetheless!

+

Wooyoung had never been so scared in his life before.

Wooyoung sits on the floor in between the chairs in the empty hallway. With his legs pressed on his chest and arms tightly wrapped around his knees, Wooyoung tries to hold himself back from trembling. It’s crowded and uncomfortable, but Wooyoung suddenly doesn’t feel safe being alone out here. His phone is still in his trembling hand after the call with Minjun, and now he can only pray his brother will come here sooner. His vision is still blurry, but no tears trickle down his cheeks anymore. All he can think about right now is, why? Why now? Why is life so unfair to him, God please answer me.

Wooyoung doesn’t know how long had he been sitting down there waiting for Minjun, but hurried footsteps can finally be heard echoing in the hallway. It doesn’t take long for Minjun to find him, his arms immediately locked around Wooyoung’s skinny figure. The door to Doctor Ok’s office clicks open and close, and by that, Wooyoung knows Minjun did not come here alone.

“What happened?” Minjun asks. Being in Minjun’s arms like this, Wooyoung gets the sudden urge to cry again.

“I didn’t know who else to call,” Wooyoung says in a hushed voice. “Mom— she— I don’t. I don’t want to scare her,” he whimpers.

“What is it?” Minjun begins to tremble too but he tries to give them both strength by tightening his arms around Wooyoung.

“Hyung,” Wooyoung quivers, holding on to Minjun. “My heart is so bad right now. It’s slowly going to stop functioning and stop beating and if I don’t get a new heart I might di—”

“Wooyoung,” Minjun sternly stops him.

“Hyung, I don’t want to,” Wooyoung shakes his head, desperate gaze searching for answers in Minjun’s eyes. “What do I tell mom and dad? What am I going to tell Jaebeom and Jinyoung? Hyung!”

“There must be a mistake!” Fei’s muffled scream can be heard from outside. “He is not going to—.  Wooyoung!” Fei is heard to be approaching the door and she flings it open. “Wooyoung—”

Wooyoung buries his face on Minjun’s shoulder, seeking comfort in his brother’s embrace. “Wooyoung…” Minjun says, his voice as gentle as the rubs of his hand on Wooyoung’s back.

“Hyung…I don’t want to die. Help me…Please, you have to save me!”

“Wooyoung-ah…” Minjun’s voice sounds so hopeless and Wooyoung breaksdown right there. Minjun and Fei hold on to him, letting their tears run freely down their cheeks.

+

Wooyoung doesn’t feel very well, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. The weekend is finally here, and that only means one thing — date at the amusement park with Nichkhun (and his brothers and Fei). Despite everything, Wooyoung is able to shake the uncomfortable uneasiness of keeping something so important away from his family and Nichkhun. At least, for now. It’s supposed to be a fun day today, and Wooyoung is going to make sure everyone is going to leave the amusement park with a good memory.

Wooyoung tries not to think of his condition and what is going to happen to him after this, tries not to mind the worried glances from Minjun and Fei every now and then. They have agreed (with much hesitance and persuasion) for Wooyoung to keep the news for now until he’s ready to tell his family, but they worry too much it makes Wooyoung feels suffocated a little. All he wants is to forget about it even just for a while, but their worries make Wooyoung remember of what’s waiting ahead of them and the inevitable outcome.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Minjun wraps his arm around Wooyoung’s shoulders and whispers into his ear. Wooyoung throws a distracted glance at his brother and nods his head absently, already making his way towards Nichkhun again, who is walking a few meters ahead of him.

“Look at this,” Nichkhun grins, grabbing a headband with Mickey Mouse’s ears from the stands and putting it on Wooyoung. Wooyoung tries to see the headband on his head, which only makes Nichkhun burst out laughing. “You look silly. Over here,” Nichkhun says, and turns Wooyoung around to where the mirror is.

“What is this!” Wooyoung whines immediately, but shuts up when Nichkhun put the same headband on himself. He doesn’t say a thing when Nichkhun pays for them, even letting Nichkhun snaps a selca of them together with the headbands on.

“Tch, we need to stop with the couple stuff,” Wooyoung comments.

“But I thought you love couple stuff,” Nichkhun grins. He has a point. Wooyoung does love couple stuff with Nichkhun. So he clings to Nichkhun and admits with an “I do.”

Nichkhun chuckles and rests his hand on Wooyoung’s waist.

“Khun hyung!” Jinyoung calls, running to Nichkhun and tugging on his arm. “Let’s try that ride! Jaebum is too much of a coward to go with me.”

“Yah!” Jaebum disapproves. “I told you I just ate. I don’t want everything I ate to come back out.”

“Grosssss!”

“Nooooo, don’t take Khun hyung away from me!” All the three of them is stunned into silence at Wooyoung’s intentional aegyo, heads turning around to see him. “Pleaseeeeeee. He’s my date tonight.”

“Wooyoung…” “Hyung…” they say at the same time. Nichkhun looks amused, Jinyoung is confused and Jaebum blushes at Wooyoung’s words, but quickly nods and takes Jinyoung away with him leaving Nichkhun alone with Wooyoung.

“Did you just—,” Nichkhun chuckles in disbelief, amusement lingering at the edges of his laughter.

“What? You are my date though.”

“I guess I am.”

“Yes, you are.” Through his gaze, Wooyoung asks for permission from Minjun and Fei to let them wander around the amusement park alone. They exchange glances but eventually nodded their approval, so Wooyoung links his arm around Nichkhun’s and pulls him further into the festival.

“There’s a lot of good snacks,” Nichkhun comments as they pass by some vendors.

“Yes,” Wooyoung agrees. “Buy me cotton candy, please, Nichkhun.”

“That’s all?”

“You’re going to regret asking that.”

“And why is that?”

“I’m going to end up asking you to buy me everything.”

“I don’t see what’s the problem here.”

Hearing it as a challenge, Wooyoung points at random stuff from all around the festival. What’s amazing is the fact that Nichkhun actually listens and manages to get all the things and foods Wooyoung had pointed at. He even played a game for ten times in a row just to win the huge white teddy bear Wooyoung genuinely had his eyes on.

“It’s so fluffy!” Wooyoung hugs and nuzzles on the teddy bear. “Thank you, Nichkhun.”

“Are you that grateful?” Nichkhun chuckles in amusement.

“Yes, I am,” Wooyoung smiles, an ache in his heart. He presses a kiss on Nichkhun’s cheek with the teddy bear’s mouth, gaining another chuckle from Nichkhun. They finally come across the rest of the group again, and this time, Jinyoung doesn’t hesitate to pull Nichkhun to play a scary ride together. Wooyoung sends them off with a wave of his hand and a smile, taking a seat on the side with Fei as the guys go to play together.

“What are you going to tell Khun about this?” Fei asks. The noises and chatters around them almost drowned Fei’s voice, but it’s loud enough to Wooyoung’s ears. The weight of the question burdens not only his mind, but also his heart as well. He’d thought about it many times and finally made a conclusion that he’s not going to tell Nichkhun about his deteriorating health.

“I don’t plan on telling him,” Wooyoung answers quietly, his distant gaze averted to the guys queuing to play the ride. He sees Jaebeom and Jinyoung playing rock, paper, scissor, smiling when he realizes they’re playing it to choose their seating partner when Jinyoung (who obviously won) jumps onto Nichkhun. Minjun doesn’t look pleased—sulky, even— at the fact that neither of his younger brothers want to voluntarily sit with him. “I’d sit with him,” Wooyoung comments at the sight with a snicker.

“I know you would.” There’s a smile in Fei’s voice, and then comes the squeeze of her hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Wooyoung-ah,” she calls gently. Wooyoung bites on his lower lip hearing her tone and reluctantly looks up at her. “That’s not fair for Khun. You know that.”

“I know,” Wooyoung casts his gaze down. “But I don’t want him to see me all sick and dying. I don’t— want him to suffer with me.”

“Do you think he’ll be any better if you hid this from him?”

Wooyoung turns quiet for a long while.  “I think he’ll be better off without me.”

“…What do you mean?”

“I’m going to— break up with him.”

“What? No! After what you’ve been through? Please reconsider this, Wooyoung. You guys have come so far and he’s done so much to be with you—“

“That’s why I’m putting an end to this, noona. Don’t you get it?” He looks at her with a desperate gaze. “He’s already done a lot and I don’t want him to waste so much time and effort on me anymore. It’s not worth it because I’m dying anyway.”

“Don’t say that…”

Wooyoung sighs. “It’s better for him to get hurt now so he can focus on getting better and moving on to start over a new life without me.”

“I don’t think it’s something you can decide on your own, Wooyoung. Nichkhun has the right to know. But then again…” Fei trails off and Wooyoung follows her train of sight to see the guys approaching them. Wooyoung doesn’t even realize they’re done playing the ride. “I don’t have the right to meddle. I do hope you’ll think it over, though, Wooyoung. Ask yourself, is this really what you want?” she ends the conversation and stands up to fix Minjun’s messy hair and entertain his complaints regarding the ride he just played. Wooyoung thinks about it for a very brief second before Nichkhun interrupts his thoughts with a “That was fun!”

“W-Was it?” Wooyoung gives a shaky smile, but thankfully Nichkhun doesn’t notice his stutter. They decline Minjun’s offer to get dinner since they’ve already eaten a lot of snacks before this and head straight to the Ferris wheel after entrusting Wooyoung’s teddy bear to Jinyoung.

It doesn’t take too long for Nichkhun and Wooyoung to get on one of the cabins. Since the queue is surprisingly short, two people are allowed to fill one cabin meant for four people. Wooyoung prefers it that way anyway since there will be more privacy to talk about stuff.

“Wow, we can really see everything from here. That’s the food court! I wonder if Jaebeommie and Jinyoungie can see me,” Wooyoung waves his hand at the food court anyway. Nichkhun laughs, his hand seeking for Wooyoung’s and squeezing it tight. Wooyoung feels Nichkhun resting his chin on Wooyoung’s shoulder.

“Are you having a good time?”

“I am, actually. It’s good to be out,” Wooyoung says. Especially knowing I’m going to be stuck in the hospital for a long while after this. “Are you?” Wooyoung asks back, looking away from the window so he could turn slightly to look at Nichkhun. Nichkhun agrees with a nod of his head.

“It’s good to be with you.”  Wooyoung instantly feels bad but he manages a small smile. He thinks of what Fei had said to him; is this what he really wants? At this point, Wooyoung is not so sure anymore.

“I just want you to be happy.”

“Am I not happy right now?” Nichkhun teases.

“Right, right,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes and hugs Nichkhun, exhaling deeply on the crook of Nichkhun’s neck. You could be happier, though, Wooyoung thinks. How much longer can I make you happy? What if I hurt you in the end? What if I hurt you now?

“I love you,” Nichkhun murmurs into Wooyoung’s shoulder.

“I know,” Wooyoung nuzzles closer. “I love you, too.” I’m sorry.

Wooyoung lets Nichkhun to press his lips on his own, the rubs of his thumb on Wooyoung’s side and teeth grazing on Wooyoung’s bottom lip a gentle coax for him to part open his mouth. With tilted heads, Nichkhun presses closer to deepen the kiss. Contrary to the lingering sweet taste of cotton candy on Nichkhun’s tongue, this all feels so bitter to Wooyoung right now. This is probably their last kiss— a separation kiss, even if Nichkhun is not aware of it.

I’m sorry. I love you. I will always be in love with you. Even if we’re not together anymore.

+

Wooyoung feels sorry he has to do this over dinner, but it’s the only suitable timing to announce the news to his family since it’s the only time where everyone actually gathered together and can talk about anything at all. Wooyoung stays quiet and eats a small portion of his meal, letting everyone else to talk about their day first. Minjun and Fei are just as quiet, unsure of how to react, or how to take the news even though it’s been days since they found out about it. Wooyoung sighs deeply, as he himself does not know how to break the news to the rest of his family.

“Wooyoung, sweetie, what’s wrong?” his mom asks, probably noticing Wooyoung’s unusual behavior. Wooyoung gives a small, unsure smile and pokes on his vegetables with his fork. She exchanges look with her husband. Even the twins seem to quiet down and start to pay attention to Wooyoung.

“I have something to tell you,” he starts. Across of him, Minjun begins to fidget uneasily on his seat. “It’s bad news though, unfortunately…”

+

Wooyoung is slumped lazily on top of his huge teddy bear in his room. The house is strangely quiet, which makes it awful because Wooyoung can clearly hear the muffled cries of his mom coming from downstairs. None of his family members is taking this news of Wooyoung’s bad health well, but he hadn’t expected any better. Jaebeom and Jinyoung seemed to have entered a state of daze quite frequently these days, his dad just as quiet and seems to always be in a deep thought while his mom…..Well, she’s always sad and crying when she thinks Wooyoung isn’t looking. See, this is what Wooyoung had feared; causing sadness to everyone and building tension and stress in their house. Stupid illness is causing nothing but misery to everyone around him….

With a heavy sigh, Wooyoung gets up to finish packing his stuff. Today, he will be admitted into the hospital so it’ll be easier for them to keep an eye on his damaged heart and his health. Wooyoung is not very keen on leaving home, but it’s probably the best for everyone. The hospital can give him immediate treatment if anything bad happens to him, and by not being around home, it’ll probably help his family from thinking too much just by seeing his worsening health. Yeah, it’s definitely the best for everyone.

His phone goes off, indicating a text just got through. Another heavy sigh escapes his mouth, already knowing from whom the text came from. He intentionally takes more time to pack his things, reluctant to see what the text says but at the same time curious and itching to read and reply. Just like what Fei had said to him before, this whole thing is really just not fair for Nichkhun….He’s being stupid and selfish, he knows that. But he also knows this needs to be done with, that this is for the sake of them both, so Wooyoung picks up his phone and sends a simple: meet me at the café across the bus stop in ten.

Wooyoung’s been avoiding Nichkhun a lot by lying that he was busy when he was actually just at home locked in his room. Now that he’s finally out of the house again, it feels good to breathe in the fresh air, to take in different scenery apart from the boring confines of his room. It’s raining outside, the cool breeze softly hitting Wooyoung’s being and he pulls his jacket closer to his body. He absently spins the handle of the umbrella he’s holding, letting his mind spin along with his thoughts. The ten minute journey to the café feels exceptionally shorter today. Even though Wooyoung will never be ready to do this, he braves himself to enter the café after closing his umbrella shut and hanging it to dry outside.

The bell tinkles when he enters, murmurs of voices and happy laughter filling the place, a warm “Welcome!” coming from the owner standing behind the counter. Wooyoung smiles and nods his head in acknowledgement, his gaze scanning the room to find a familiar face he’s supposed to meet today. Wooyoung finds him sitting on the table away from the entrance and he finds himself already making his way towards Nichkhun.

Wooyoung doesn’t dare to meet Nichkhun’s gaze just yet as he pulls the chair and quietly takes a seat across of Nichkhun with a solemn face. Nichkhun immediately bombards him with questions asking what happened and if he was okay and of why he was unreachable these past few days but it isn’t until Wooyoung pulling his hand away from Nichkhun’s that the latter stops talking and pulled into a silence.

“Wooyoung? What’s wrong…?” Nichkhun says in a hush. The silence drags on. Wooyoung fiddles with his fingers underneath the table, still unsure on how to do this. He’s not only breaking Nichkhun’s heart in this but his own as well and both of them will end up hurt. But it’s for the best, Wooyoung tells himself. Do you really want to burden Nichkhun? When are you going to start thinking for his happiness if not right now?

When Wooyoung stays quiet, Nichkhun sighs in frustration in his seat. Wooyoung can sense Nichkhun’s worry, confusion, sadness and anger all in one gaze but he doesn’t dare to meet Nichkhun in the eye. Ever since the day they went on a day out to the amusement park, he stops seeing Nichkhun and completely shut him off of his life. Apparently, Nichkhun doesn’t get the hint that Wooyoung wants him to leave him alone, but Wooyoung doesn’t blame him. He would be confused and angry at the sudden cold shoulders and silent treatments too. But what was he to do? Tell Nichkhun the truth and watch Nichkhun suffer with him?

No, he doesn’t want that.

“Are you…mad at me? Why are you mad at me?” Nichkhun finally asks. It’s the only conclusion he can get seeing how Wooyoung is giving him the cold shoulders.

“I’m not mad at you…” Wooyoung mumbles.

“Then what is it?”

“Nichkhun— Just. Please. Be mad at me. Get tired of me.”

“What? But…why?”

“Because I am tired. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everything. I’m going to forget you. Forget all of our promises. Get mad at me and leave me because I’m being a jerk to you. Get mad at me so it’ll be easier to do this.”

“What? Why are you doing this? What’s going on?” Nichkhun panics. “Is it my brother??”

“Nichkhun,” Wooyoung quickly cuts in. Under the table, Wooyoung clenches his fists tightly as a gesture to give himself some strength. He needs to do this. He needs to do this now. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What…?”

Wooyoung frowns. “Nichkhun….I’m trying— to break up with you,” he says shakily. “Can you not make this any harder for me?”

“Break…up…?”

Wooyoung takes out a ring from his pocket and puts it down, sliding it across the table towards Nichkhun. Nichkhun stares at the ring and then at Wooyoung, confusion and fear mix into one realizing how serious Wooyoung is about this.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“No,” Nichkhun quickly disagrees and stands up from his seat. “You’re not breaking up with me.”

“Nichkhun—”

“I said no!” Nichkhun says angrily, trying to dash out of the café but Wooyoung stops him by grabbing onto his wrist without moving from his seat.

“Nichkhun, please.” Wooyoung swallows the sobs in but let the tears escape his eyes. “Let’s stop seeing each other.” He grabs the ring and forces it into Nichkhun’s hand before he himself gets up and quickly leaves the café before Nichkhun has the chance to say anything else and stop him.

The journey back home feels longer now compared to before, his legs feeling heavy with every step that he takes. Nichkhun is not following him, which is good in all honesty. This way, neither of them will make things any harder for any of them. But still, Wooyoung is not sure if he should feel relieved or worried for Nichkhun. He just hopes Nichkhun will be fine somehow.

The house is way gloomier than the weather outside when Wooyoung arrived. His bag for his stay at the hospital is already ready, with the rest of his family waiting for him at the living room. Wooyoung offers a small smile.

“What’s with the face?” Wooyoung asks his younger brothers. “Come on now. It’s not like I’m going somewhere far.” It’s not until his mom walks out of the room sobbing into her hand does Wooyoung realize how careless he had been with his words. His dad stops Fei from following her and instead asks Wooyoung to go check on his mom.

“Mom?” Wooyoung calls for her as he enters the kitchen. She’s sitting on one of the chairs, hand busy wiping the tears from her eyes. “Oh, mom,” Wooyoung exhales in a mix of sadness and hurt. He approaches her and rubs his hand on her back.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I just—” she quivers. She looks so weak and vulnerable, so different from her usual strong and confident image. A part of Wooyoung feels sorry he’s the reason behind those precious tears and another part of him feels angry he’s causing so much pain to everyone around him. He drags a chair and sits next to her, letting her cup her hands on his cheeks. “This is just so unfair. You were supposed to get better.”

“I guess I’m really not meant to get better,” Wooyoung says with a resigned smile. She sobs again, this time puling Wooyoung into a tight hug.

+

Once everyone left the hospital, Wooyoung feels it— the loneliness and emptiness stretching and threatening to consume him whole. It gives room for the fear and sadness to kick in, for the thoughts to burden his mind with endless questions that Wooyoung doesn’t need. He thinks about what will happen to him, about the consequences it will have on his family and…about Nichkhun.

Nichkhun is probably confused of what’s happening and what led Wooyoung into making such decision of breaking up their relationship. Heck, Nichkhun probably even hates him a bit right now. He’s already missing Nichkhun a lot but there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s the one who decided all of this and he must carry on with it. They both need to learn living without each other after this, especially Nichkhun. He has a bright future ahead of him, a better life he can lead without Wooyoung, a happiness Wooyoung will never be able to provide.

The rain is now nothing but an annoying pitter-patter against the window, the only sound filling the room accompanying Wooyoung in his loneliness. Right before bedtime, doctor Ok and some of his nurses come to visit, telling him what schedules they have planned for tomorrow morning. They still need to do some tests, brief him on some new medications he will need to take and introduce other therapies. When Wooyoung shows no interest in any of what doctor Ok has to say, he closes the file and asks his nurses to leave first after they have done checking him.

“Are you hurt somewhere?” doctor Ok asks. Wooyoung shakes his head curtly. “How are you feeling?” he tries again.

Wooyoung stares at the window, never moving his gaze away from it. “I feel like ,” he answers honestly. “Everyone is sad because of me and my stupid illness. I am sad and angry because of my stupid illness,” he emphasizes. “So sad and angry. And scared. My life could…literally end any time.”

“Now I won’t let that happen, Wooyoung. As long as you’re under my care, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

The smile on Wooyoung’s face doesn’t reach his eyes. “What are the chances I will get better? What are the chances I’m getting a heart donor anytime soon?””

“How can we know if we don’t try first, right?” doctor Ok offers him a toothy grin. “As for your other question…well, we’ll just have to keep looking.”

“Been waiting and looking for suitable heart donor all my life. I’m beginning to think there’s none for me,” Wooyoung smirks.

“Young man, you need to get that negative thoughts out of your mind. Believe me, it’s not healthy,” doctor Ok wags his finger at Wooyoung, and then ruffles Wooyoung’s hair. “I’ll do everything I can to help you. From now on, just call me Taecyeon hyung. I’ll be the one monitoring and studying your test, results and progress. You’re my top patient now. Let’s do this together, okay?”

Wooyoung gives a small but genuine smile this time and nods his head. At least doctor Ok is kind and easy going. He reminds Wooyoung so much of Minjun. He takes Wooyoung’s huge teddy bear on the sofa and brings it to Wooyoung, whom immediately hugs the fluffy plushie. “Who’s your little friend here?”

“His name is Snowy,” Wooyoung grins, and then presses his lips into an unimpressed line when he realizes doctor Ok is treating him like a child. “Don’t treat me like a kid.”

“Oh, but aren’t you?” doctor Ok teases, laughing when Wooyoung whines with his “Hyuuuuuung!” “Now go to sleep. We have an early day tomorrow,” adds doctor Ok. Wooyoung settles Snowy on the bed so he can leans his back on it and uses it as a pillow. “Good night,” doctor Ok greets, walking out of Wooyoung’s room and switching the lights off.

Wooyoung drifts off to sleep with the thoughts of Nichkhun, dreaming of running freely on a white sandy beach with Nichkhun’s laughter tinkling in the air.