Brushing my hair carefully, making sure that not a single strand of hair gallivanted around my face, I wondered how things had come to this- had come to I wearing peach pants and a white, vintage shirt, I wearing strappy wedges and I doing my hair with so much care and patience.

I guess it had all started with the minor argument with Kai on his carelessness.

“Kai, I hope you will be more careful with your words around people,” I said, politely but assertively.

“Why?” he argued, “Aren’t we friends now? So what is the problem with people knowing our disposition? If you are scared about your reputation, then don’t worry, I’ll cook up a convincing story! Your family’s dignity is my dignity!”

I was getting a headache with this aimless discussion, so I snapped, “Just do what is asked of you. yaou are a temporaray installment within this house so don’t try to make any changes.”

Kai raised an eyebrow and from a jovial persona, his demeanour turned cold and unaffecting.

Now that I sit and retrospect, I had called it upon myself.

“If I were you,” he snarled, his lips curling at the end, “I would be warning Sehun and not Jongin.”

What happened next was no surprise.

“Don’t blame Sehun!” I shouted, wagging my index finger at his face, “He won’t ever go around slipping secrets like a certain somebody. He even offered to help me out of the ridiculous situation you have coiled me into but I refused! How much do you even know of Sehun to be warning me about him?!”

“Oh!” he jerked his head backwards, “Of course! What would I, a ing stranger who has been trying to help you out since morning, would know about Sehun, an intimate friend who is clueless about your problems and personality but does not mind passing certain hints of affection now and then?”

Being slapped by words- that was my first time experiencing it. I tried to say something but nothing came out. Words, if there were any to say, were stuck at my throat as I stared at a judgemental Kai looking down at me with arms folded across his chest. So he had noticed my pathetic affection for Sehun. What a fool I must have looked like in his eyes, pining for a love of a male who clearly treated me as his friend! Kai didn’t even know about the past but still he found it laughable, if he did know then I would have preferred dying to seeing him.

“I-“ I tried to stay something but shut my mouth when despite repeated attempts nothing came out.

“Don’t try to defend your Sehun,” he spoke, “You want me to shut up? Fine! I will shut up!”

Saying that he walked away to his room, leaving me standing there in the main hall. My maid had been audience to our conversation and she was wondering whether or not she should intervene.

“Why do you always piss off people?” Jieun had heard the commotion and sauntered to the main hall and gauging her irritated expression, I knew she had been privy to the details of the altercation. “He helped you make a new friend,” she accused, “Your Financial Advisor actually went and said to Kai that he was okay with your not using of honorifics just because you greeted him! And here you are defending Sehun, who has done nothing for you, and arguing with Kai!”

I had my limits too. I never asked them for their kindness, they gave it to me on their own.

“So I agree that Kai helped me out today,” I yelled, “Now what do you want me to do? Grovel at his feet to show my immense gratitude?! Who asked him to be kind to me? I was doing just fine all these years! Don’t you try to adorn me with the garb of the devil and accessorize him with a halo just because you have some feelings for him!”

She had feelings for him. That part came out of the blue for both her and I. I had not intended to say it. Hell! It was not even on my mind, then where had it come from? Had I subconsciously been internalising the fact that Kai would eventually be hers? That she would be the only receiver of his shy smile? Oh why the hell did it even matter to me!

She blinked her eyes and released her breath in a frustrated huff. She walked around, grasped a vase seemingly strangulating it, and then let it go. Looking at her discomfort, my worst beliefs were confirmed- Kai was not the only one looking for something more than friendship.

“You,” she finally said, her eyes blazing with anger, “You are incorrigible!”

I sheepishly stood there, feeling more numbed by my realisation of the mutual feelings they had for each other than her jibe. Jieun lingered in the hall for some time and then stomped off to Kai’s room.

“Here,” my maid finally intervened, “give me your bag. Don’t cry, crying won’t make any difference. It’ll just make your eyes swollen.”

I wiped the involuntary tears, which were flowing down merrily, and nodding my head at my maid’s advice went to my room. The swelling would disappear by the next time she saw me.

The swelling did not disappear when I came down for dinner neither did the redness of my eyes. My maid frowned in disapproval but did not say anything to aggravate my trauma. Kai charmed mother and father with his talks and I gulped down my mashed potato with unimaginable amount of force.

“Sorry,“ my sister mouthed as she passed me the truffle cake. There are times when the extent of the damage renders any remedy useless, there are times when certain tears shed are more important than hours of wailing, there are times when it is too late for apologies and there are times when even a person with a sweet tooth refuses a mouth-watering confectionary.

I pushed away the offering, stood up, and bid my parents a goodnight. The only good thing, which came out an afternoon of crying and wallowing in misery, was a good night’s sleep.

The next day I called in sick and skipped school. I was sick, sick of life in general and I thought that if I spent a day in my pajamas, act like stinky monster and gorged on ice cream I would feel better. Mother was surprised and then angry at my slack in attitude but she did not mind much, after all, I didn’t do this every day. The day off worked like magic! So much so that I got the guts to refuse to attend dinner and to skip the next day too.

“Deluding yourself into believing that your hibernation is helping you is amounting to lunacy” came Kai’s curt comment as he rapped on my door. It was a Saturday and considering Kai’s presence outside my room, it was safe to assume that he hadn’t gone to school either.

“Go away!” I threatened; my voice was throaty and hoarse, not sure whether it was because of the buckets of ice cream or the hours of crying.

“Not until you open the door,“ he replied cheekily. My head was throbbing from the hours of sitting in front of my computer screen and staring at my wallpaper and his constant knocking was just aggravating it.

“There! I opened it! Now get lost!” I tried shouting but it came out as a weak warning.

“You look horrible!’ he exclaimed as he pushed the door open despite my resistance and invited himself to my room.

“Since birth,” I muttered in response slamming the door shut. I was still in my pajamas, my hair secured in a bun by a pencil.

“Aye!” came his sharp rebuke, “You can demean yourself in my absence but for now, let me take in the musty air of your room.”

It was only that fine day when I opened my windows otherwise they always remained shut as they were now. I personally did not have any problem with it but aliens did and so did Kai. My room was nothing spectacular. I did not like soft toys so I did not have any. Photo frames, pencil holders, etc. were useless additions so they were not there as well. The only thing, which dominated my room, was my mini library.

Sunlight flooded my room as Kai flung open the windows and almost teared down the curtains. “So,” he drawled, “You read romance and gore, thriller and fantasy, philosophy and logic and then you wonder why you are so confused?” He chuckled as I looked at him, scandalized at his ability to see book label miles away from him.

“Don’t gawp! I am just more observant than you are!”

This guy had eyes everywhere!

Plopping himself on my bed which was thankfully devoid of any random clothes of mine, he said, “Want to go out tomorrow?”

“Out of this room?” I queried stupidly. As depressed as I was, I was giddy with excitement that Kai had restored some normalcy in a severed relationship.

“Yes,” he laughed, “and out in general, I was thinking about the amusement park.”

“Sure!” my hoarse voice was clear as sparkling stream and I smiled, involuntarily.

“Since that's settled,” he said as he got up and headed for the door, “I guess I’ll meet you tomorrow.”

Ruffling my hair and flashing a heart-stopping smile, that perfect being disappeared behind the wooden door. I touched my hair, unconsciously thinking about how Kai's hand was warmer than Sehun's, how Kai let his fingers get entangle with my hair unlike Sehun who just ruffled the top. 

Amusement park with Kai. I repeated those few words, each time louder than the previous before I poked my head out the window shouting it out to the world.

I guess only when it is loud and clear does it get into my head. Amusement park with Kai was the worst thing possible! One it was crowded, two; I hated rides, either they were too fast or too high and three; Kai-being alone with Kai, I do not think I trusted my poker face all that much.

Therefore, here was I on a bright Sunday morning, brushing my hair carefully, making sure that not a single strand of hair gallivanted around my face, wearing peach pants and a white, vintage shirt complete with strappy wedges. The guide to my decent appearance was of course, Google and Youtube- my best friends. Satisfied with the little I had done, I got up from the dressing stool I was seated on, grabbed my purse and was just about to get out of my room when someone opened the door.

“Unnie! Are you ready?” asked Jieun, looking splendid in a peach lace dress, her hair carefully curled and pinned to the side, “Oh good! Let’s go!”

I didn’t want to, not anymore.