Hands stuffed in the pockets of my sweatshirt, I stared at the mad crowd bustling from one ride to another, thinking about the cozy comforts of my bed. After watching Jieun dress up so prettily, I decided to change into my sweatshirts and jeans and pulled my hair back in a ponytail; if I was going to look far worse than her I might as well look that effortlessly. Jieun looked visibly shocked when I had descended the stairs tugging at my converse shoes but Kai, unaware of what had transpired, smiled and waved his hand.

They talked about the weather, the people, and the fact that they were so excited about the very idea of an amusement park but I kept silent. I just did not feel like it; I didn’t feel like talking or going to the amusement park.

“Which one do you want to go?” he asked, tugging at my hand gently to garner my attention.

“None,” I murmured and retrieved my hand. Why bother acting courteous to me? He could might as well go and mollycoddle Jieun, she would be an enthusiastic participant.

“Oppa! The roller coaster!” Jieun nagged trying her level best to look cute. A nausea of disgust overtook me as I saw my sister trying hard to get Kai pay attention to her. Jieun had never been like that. She has always been hot-headed, a little submissive and was never an attention seeker. Seeing her like this, I felt miserable for my sister. She must really love Kai to demean herself to this level.

“Jieunah!” Kai replied, “Your unnie is scared of roller coasters, you told it to me yourself!”

A flash of irritation crossed my sister’s eyes but it was soon replaced by forced empathy. I hated being the third wheel in anything so I said what I said next.

“It’s alright, Jieun never gets a chance to go to amusement parks because of my apathy towards it so go and enjoy the roller coaster. I’ll wait for you guys here!”

Kai looked at me confusedly not sure whether to believe my words. But Jieun’s tug at Kai’s forearm snapped him out of the confusion and with a musical laughter the two of them went to ride the roller coaster.

I had no intention of waiting for them. Wait for them and feel horrible the entire trip? I was not that much of a masochist! Confirming their disappearance in the crowd I resentfully made my way to nowhere in particular. I searched for certain slow rides but they were all reserved for kids aged five and below, finding nothing better I settled for a cotton candy.

Watching the five year olds holding their parent’s fingers in their tightly clasped palms and looking at everything curiously, I was reminded of my childhood. Jiuen was only two, when I was five and every time I used to look at her, I tried to find similarities between us. Father had told that she would grow up to resemble me but despite two years going by, nothing of a resemblance had appeared. Mother never allowed me to play with her, she just used to say, “Keep an eye on her from a distance.” But I really wanted to play with her. I wanted to touch her soft, rosy cheeks and see whether they were the same as mine, I wanted to touch her curly auburn her and twirl it around my fingers, I wanted to see her clasp my finger in her tiny palm just like she did mother’s but I was not allowed. Therefore, I had resorted to telling her stories, many stories. I noticed she only had a penchant for the villain. She never cried when the prince died but she cried when the evil prince did. Now that I think of it, she was far too young to understand those stories but she somehow managed to show emotions at the right places. I used to spend more hours explaining why she should fall for the prince than telling the story.

And now that we were all grown up, I was still doing the same- pushing her towards Sehun and away from Kai. Back then, I used to think I hated the villains but now I know it was not because I hated them but because I did not want to Jieun to take them.

Who would have thought that cotton candy and staring at children would make me realise that I had fallen for Kai, a person I would never get. It was like falling in love with  Sehun all over again, except that Sehun was the only guy I knew back then but Kai is the guy I chose to know from the millions that I have met.

From the cotton candy stall, I went to an ice cream parlour; only the sweet could help me feel less bitter. on the creamy top of the sundae I had ordered, I wondered, what would it take me to drive these feelings away. Should I become cold and uncaring? But I didn’t want to leave this new side of mine which I was discovering slowly and steadily- this side of me which smiled without a reason, made new friends. Then what should I do? Fighting for Kai was stupid and childish because one; I knew I would never get him and two; if love had to happen Kai would have felt the sparks ages ago.

My eyes fell on the bungee jumping attraction a few miles away. All participants were shrieking, some crying but overall, they looked exhilarated. Placing my unfinished sundae on the table, I ventured out to clear my head, this time through bungee jumping.

I am acrophobic but at that point, I did not care. It was my way of attempting suicide and I sincerely wished that my submissive self would die during this expedition.

“Finally,” said a scared voice wrapping his arms from behind me, “found you.” I was paying for my ticket at that time and feeling Kai’s lanky arms encase me against his chest, my resolve and my hand began shaking as I collected my ticket. I could hear a few couples sighing dreamily but for me this was nightmare; I wanted the cocky Kai to be back so that it became easy for me to not love him.

“Why did you run away?” he questioned as he turned me around roughly, “do you have any clue that Jieun and I were running around the whole place searching for you? You didn’t even take your mobile!”

I just stood there as he created a scene. The dreamy sighs turned into rolling of eyes and irritated huffs as they realised we were not a couple. “I wanted to try bungee jumping,” I squeaked, my voice barely audible.

“You could have told that to us!”Kai exhaled.

“Never mind, we’ll go bungee jumping,” he relented and extended a few won to buy a ticket. “I don’t want to anymore,” I informed meekly. “I am not going to listen to you anymore,” he glowered.

“Kai! I can’t do this!” I yelled as the instructor put the harness on me.

“What nonsense!” he thundered, “You went and bought a ticket on.your.own!”

“But I am acrophobic!” I whined desperate to get out of the harness I was dressed in. When I had taken the decision to try it out I was in a trance but with Kai around, my reactionary senses had been heightened. Looking down from the impressive height I was standing on, I knew that jumping from it was a one-way ticket to heaven.

“Acrophobic and an idiot,” he grumbled. I was ready to be insulted in any form or manner as long as someone saved me from the self-made trap I had walked into.

“Ma’am will you please stop wriggling,” admonished the instructor. “Please let me go!” I yelled my voice choking with tears.

“Ssshh,” Kai comforted as he wrapped me into a hug once again. Leaning down and resting his chin on my shoulder, he cooed, “It’s going to be alright. Remember to shout as you fall. Release all that you have bottled in your heart for years. Cry if you want to, laugh if you wish to but release, you must.”

Kai’s words were like a lullaby, soft and soothing. I wished to still this moment, to not have him release me from his embrace, to listen to the caring voice forever, then laughing, smiling, crying would come to me easy.

“Now,” he steeled up, “Jump.”

“No.” came my obstinate answer. I may have a ty life but I was not willing to give it up altogether. I wrapped my hands around his neck choking him in a death hold, my head reaching the crook of his neck.

“No! No! No!” I yelled.

“I swear to god I will push you now!” he yelled with equal ferocity.

“Will you please jump?!” yelled the instructor.

And I jumped. Not really, on my own, Kai and the instructor pushed me and hence, I jumped. By nature, I am a freezer-someone who freezes up in tense situations. Such people get paralyzed and lose their voice at the face of danger but today I turned into a screamer. My own shrill voice scared me. I yanked my sweatshirt down fearing that it would defy gravity and cause me national humiliation but my hair was a disaster! It had escaped from the fortress of rubber bands and clips and was flying all over my face. By the time, I descended and I steadied myself on the boat I let myself burst into a flood of tears.

“I am coming!” Kai shouted. I did not care anymore. I sincerely wished that his harness would snap and he would fall in the water and some wild shark would come and gobble him up and only then, would I be content.

He was epic. He did not cry nor did he laugh but I got a fantastic glimpse of his colourful vocabulary. Some of the curses that he was spouting were unheard of and some of them just made me cringe. The person on the boat with me had a tough time suppressing his laughter as Kai went on swearing until he was brought down.

“You were worse than me,” I said wiping my tears. He gestured me to stop talking as he wobbled on the boat and then did something worse than swearing. He puked all over the boat and in the water body. So much for giving me a lecture on bravery!

“Dare you laugh,” he warned as he cleaned his mouth, “I am going to throw you in this puke filled river.” I was not in the position to laugh or talk and neither was he so we both wobbled are way out of the area.

“Next, roller coaster,” Kai panted. “Are you mad?!” I shrieked. Enough was enough, I was not going on any more rides with that sickly child! But who listens to me! Even in that pathetic condition he dragged me to the station and before I knew it, I was being belted on the roller coaster.

“Shout”, Kai advised, “anything and everything, but shout.”

“Do not puke,” I warned as it slowly started moving, “This time it will fly.” Kai didn’t nod or promise me anything and I secretly hoped that Google had the solution to remove puke from hair.

This one was not as bad as bungee jumping but it did get my cotton candy and ice cream churning. I did not shriek or shout well not until I saw Kai getting dizzy again.

“Don’t you dare vomit now!” I shouted trying to hit his head or do something to divert his attention, “I am going to through you out of this coaster if you even think about it! You I mean it!”

My words didn’t seem to enter Kai’s head as his head kept lolling and he kept on saying “Vent” and then came the mighty fall. I shrieked as the coaster zapped down with unimaginable speed while Kai lunged forward, the psuedo-puke threats kicking in.

I loved the feeling though, the feeling of my heart racing, the endless shrieking had made my voice hoarse and my blood pump vigorously. My cheeks felt hot, my head felt light and a surge of uncontrollable giggle tickled at my throat. When the coaster went for a second dangerous descend, I whacked Kai’s head and gave him permission to vomit and unleashed the giggles. What had started out as a giggle turned into cackle of laughter, Kai did not join in but I saw him smile with some effort, definitely happy at my exhilaration.

The ride came to a stop and while I skipped off elegantly, Kai tripped, fell, recovered and rushed to the nearest restroom. I sat down on a bench and continued laughing, laughing at nothing. I felt my heartbeats normalise, my cheeks return to their normal temperature, my adrenaline infused body relax but the ecstatic feeling persisted.

Oh god! I felt so happy! I wanted to shriek and shriek and shriek! I yanked my rubber band, which was hanging at the end of my hair and ruffled it completely. I knew I looked like a mad woman but hell! I liked being one!

“Ma’am,” a female said to me, “I think this is yours.”

I whirled around to see the roller coaster attendant give me a mobile phone. Well it was not mine but I guess it must have been Kai’s.

“Thank you so much!” I said with a jolly jerk to my head and the attendant laughed at my silliness.

The light at Kai’s mobile flashed brilliantly and I peered into see who was the caller.

Jieun.

I had not even noticed her absence all this time. The phone went on ringing and I wondered to pick it up or not. If I did, then she would definitely join us and, what then? I would lose all that I had gained in this tiny moment, I would again fall in the pit I was slowly rising from.

Sorry Jieun but only for this day unnie wants Kai for herself.

I waited for the rings to subside and then I deleted her call from the call list.

“Snooping are you?” Kai teased as he deftly flipped his mobile and snatched it from me.

“What next? What next? What next?!” I pestered incessantly.

“Jeez, kid,” Kai grumbled as he sat down next to me, “I am getting old so we need to cut this adventure short.”

I jumped up to my feet and shook him by his shoulders “No! Ahjussi! I want more! Let’s just run! Run till the open air theatre! Please!!”

Kai laughed and pinched my nose as I wriggled it in annoyance. “Fine,” he agreed, “If your eyes promise to twinkle more then let’s run!” Instinctively, my fingers reached my eye and to escape Kais notice, I acted as if I was rubbing it.

“On your mark,” Kai began, “Get, set, go!”

I did not look here and there but ran straight ahead where the open-air theatre stood- at the end of the road. I bumped and apologised but kept on running turning back occasionally to check Kai’s progress. Kai was never running, he just walked. He even started playing with some random children but every time I glared behind he would gets his feet working.

“Oh! Look at the couples dancing!” I announced looking at them dreamily. We had reached the theatre and Kai just sat on one of the stairs almost on the verge of passing out to oblivion. There was a dance of sorts going on. It was open to all and a lot of couples, old and young, streamed in to shake a leg.

“Don’t ask me to dance,” Kai warned resting his head between his legs, “Because I won’t.”

I smiled and sat down next to him. Rubbing his back I said, “Nay, I won’t. I was born with two left feet.”

Kai’s ears perked up at this new bit of information and he sprang up, straightening his back “Let’s dance.”

“But you just-“I was cut off as Kai took my hand and tugged it to guide me to the arena.

“I changed my mind,” he replied smiling charmingly.

“No,” I said firmly trying to wrench my hand out of his grip, which was just tightening by the second, “There are a lot of good dancers out there and I can’t think of embarrassing myself in front of them.”

Everybody was scared of roller coasters and bungee jumping but everybody was not born with two left feet.

“Come on!” Kai urged pulling me to my feet. I wobbled and leaned on Kai’s chest to support myself.

“Little girl,” advised an old woman who had been sitting next to Kai, “Don’t miss your opportunities like this. Young men like him are difficult to find these days.”

I looked at Kai who rested his forehead against mine and said, “Shall we?”

My laugh was the answer.

The dance was horrible. I kept stepping on his foot and apologising, not to mention my eyes were flitting from one couple to another who were dancing with perfect lucidity.

“Look at me and not your toes,” Kai commanded. Surprisingly, Kai was an excellent dancer. His body swayed to the music and it was as if every muscle of his body knew the rhythm by heart.

“Don’t care about how others are doing,” he commanded again, “Just look at me and I’ll guide you.”

Just look at me and I will guide you. That is what had been happening since the day I met him. I looked at him and he guided me through an array of emotions, a plethora of experiences. As he pulled me by my waist and made my glide from one-step to another, one movement to another, I realised life remained a bumpy ride even with him by my side but it was an enjoyable bumpy ride. Nothing was perfect with him. We quarreled, we were both stubbornly assertive, we both had a thing for power play but still it felt just right to be with him.

“See, you are doing great,” he complimented bringing me closer to him.

Of course, I was doing great; after all, he was the one teaching me! May be it was the setting sun, maybe it was the lethargy, maybe it was the moment in general or something else altogether that I placed my cheek against his chest and continued our awkward dance. I closed my eyes and listened to his rhythmic heartbeats and after a while, that is all I heard-his heartbeat. The music disappeared, the people vanished, all that was left was he and I.

“I swear to god I’ll whack you here if you fall asleep,” Kai muttered in my ear. I giggled and opened my eyes. Who could sleep while dancing with someone like him!

“Ah!” he exclaimed, looking into my eyes, “thankfully awake! The song is going to hit its crescendo so the rhythm is going to increase, try being a little merciful on my feet.”

It was a joke but I was scared. If the song was about to hit crescendo then it meant it would end in a matter of a few more seconds. I heard the music grow powerful, the notes coming together for the culmination, the end was nearing and I felt petrified. My steps became faultier for which I received quite some glares from Kai but I did not mind it. I might as well have a shower of emotions from him because I knew I would never get this time back.

And then it hit the crescendo, the music spread out in all colours of the rainbow- the bow, the swish, the lift, everything came to compose the final dance step and then it stopped. It ended. The couples broke out in cheer; the audience broke out in applause while I was at the verge of bursting out in tears.

“Hey,” Kai cooed, “Why so sad? It wasn’t all that bad!”

Those smiling eyes, the warmth of his body, the feeling of security, the completeness of life, he imbibed it all. He wasn’t mine to keep because even now he had not given me the smile I yearned for but a girl could dream right?

I tiptoed to get on somewhat the same level as his face, my arms that were placed on his shoulders, wrapped themselves around his neck and imagining this entire day to be a dream, I leaned forward and captured his lips in mine.

He didn’t respond; he just froze up and his inaction made me feel embarrassed but just as I was pulling myself away from him, he tightened his hold around my waist and with a soft pull, kissed me back.

It was not perfect. It was my first kiss, afterall! And compared to his skill my kissing added a new dimension to sloppy kissers. But it was ethereal; his soft plump lips against mine, his demanding kiss against my timid one, his skill against my ineptitude, his hard, muscular body pressed against my soft, supple one; it was all ethereal.

I had sealed the moment I was so scared to lose with a memory far too vivid and unforgettable and solely because of that, my fear started to subside and it would have gone altogether if I hadn’t seen what I saw next.

As Kai and I parted our lips from each other and let our racing hearts rest for some while, I saw a frail and quivering figure behind Kai. Everybody else were congratulating us or hooting at our public display of affection but she looked heartbroken and torn. I had never seen her crying, now that I think of it, but there she was with tears streaming down her soulful eyes. I could see she didn’t want to interrupt my moment but she was conflicted with her own emotions and desires. Wiping her tears forcefully, she took one last longing look at Kai, and then ran away.

“I-“ Kai began.

“Jieun saw us,” I cut in. Kai stopped breathing and his eyes gradually bulged out. His secured hold around my waist slackened and without wasting as much as of a glance to me, he ran blindly towards the direction I was looking at. The little bubble he had created for me broke; the audience stood and watched the entire scene silently.

Turning around I looked at a young, dimpled guy staring at me and then blushing immediately the moment I caught him staring. Without his spectacles, he did look different but it was not difficult to figure out that it was my Financial Advisor.

I walked towards him slowly and deliberately. If I cried now, then I would disappoint Kai. He had worked so hard to release me from my shell. I had taken so much from him but given nothing in return. If I ran, back home and allowed myself to be drowned in tears I would just let myself be pulled down in my dark shelter. He could only guide me but I was the one who had to take his guidance.

With more than 50 pairs of eyes staring at me, I smiled at my financial advisor and offering my hand, said, “Shall we?”