Chapter 4.
Fine Feathers Don't Make Fine BirdsLuhan had expected a blush of some sort to appear on Meiyin’s face after he spoke, it’s been that way for every other female Luhan has come across since High School. Instead, Meiyin took in a deep breath to compose herself before speaking.
“Well if you’re interested in me as well I suggest you wipe that smirk off your face.”
Luhan’s jaw dropped at Meiyin’s reply, completely stunned at the fact that his bad boy act didn’t work on her. He seems to be missing the fact that Meiyin had grown to like the Luhan that opened up to her, the kind and subtly sweet Luhan, the real Luhan and not the façade he had built up over the years.
“I-I...” Luhan was speechless he’s never been put in a situation like this before. Ever.
Meiyin chuckled at Luhan’s reaction, a reaction that comforted her worries. I knew it, this is the real him. Meiyin smiled softly and placed her hand onto Luhan’s hand to calm him down.
“It’s okay, I was just kidding, don’t get so worked up okay?” Luhan let out a breath of relief and took note of how much more carefree Meiyin looked today, he… liked that.
“So…”
“Hi Luhan, how was your day?” Doctor Lee spoke carefully, eyes keeping note of Luhan’s actions. It’s his first session back since he has left the hospital and the last thing Doctor Lee wanted to do was to spark something to bring him back to that horrid place.
“It was fine Doctor Lee, yours?”
“Fine as well, thank you for asking Luhan. So, would you like to start opening up to me this time? Do you think you’re ready?”
Luhan hesitated for a split second but nodded his head anyways.
“Yeah, I… I think so.”
“Alright then, I’ll start by asking a few simple questions; please do stop me whenever you feel uncomfortable alright?”
“Okay.”
“Since your mother has already given me information about your childhood friend, I’d like to start by asking you about him. I think he's the root of your depression as a result of your separation anxiety disorder Luhan."
"Okay..." Luhan still didn't like the fact that he had these issues but Meiyin had helped him quite a bit, always telling him that it wasn't his fault to have developed these disorders.
"What was your friendship with Yixing like?” Luhan’s rate of breathing increased at the mention of his name but he managed to stay composed.
“Although younger, Yixing was like an older brother to me. We met when he first moved here at the age of five. His parents and my parents were family friends so we’d often spend time together. I kept him company while my parents helped his family settle in. We’d run around in the park together, play soccer with our neighbors and even spent time at school together despite the difference in our grade levels. I don’t remember the reasons why but I remember getting bullied a lot in elementary, my small frame prevented me from defending myself properly. It was always Yixing who stood up for me, he’d fight my battles for me then made sure I was alright. He even kept them a secret from my parents. And that was after he had gotten in trouble for fighting with one of my bullies. He promised he wouldn’t tell and not once did he ever break his promises. The two of us developed an interest in music during middle school and made new friends who had similar hobbies. We started a band and stayed after school quite a bit, singing songs with the new friends we made. I was really happy at that time.”
Luhan stopped speaking for a second, smiling at those fond memories he had kept tucked away for so long.
“Things changed in eighth grade though. One of our friends, Sehun, had passed away in a car accident. Although I wasn’t as close to him as I was with Yixing, it still hurt and the pain was unbearable. That was when I first realize something was wrong… but… I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I found it difficult to breathe whenever I saw a photograph of Sehun or whenever my friends would mention him. I started to grow distant with my new friends. Yixing never question me nor did he try to find out why I had reacted in such a strong way. He simply kept me company and kept my mind off of what had happened even though he himself was having a hard time. What really pushed me over the edge though was when Yixing’s family decided to return to Shanghai. Their business here in Beijing was failing and they had no choice but to go back. Yixing had told me months prior to their departure but I just couldn’t accept it. I didn’t even say goodbye to him when he left. I locked myself in my room and refused to let anyone in. My parents knew how close I was with Yixing and assumed that my reaction was alright at first. When I finally left my room, I became a completely different person. High School was about to start and I wanted to start fresh. I didn’t want anything to trigger the memories I had with Yixing. I ignored all of my middle school friends and stopped singing. I haven’t touched a soccer ball in years and threw away my old guitar. That wasn’t it though, to really make sure that absolutely nothing would remind me of him, I changed myself as well. Everything about me reminded me of him. When I was kind to others, it reminded me of how we were always the first people to greet a new student, when I played sports it reminded me of how we spent so much time playing them together. I changed the way I dressed and started styling my hair as well. The two of us were born with naturally curly hair making it hard for me to look at myself without thinking about him if I had let them down. I tried really really hard. I didn’t even see it as a problem, at least… I didn’t think I did. I convinced myself that it was normal and they were simply actions I took to forget about him and move on. My mother on the other hand, started to grow worried which is why I came here. Although it’s been five years I guess all this pretending had done quite a number on me. I’ve lost myself and this loss of identity was probably the last straw. Like you said, I had no dreams and no hopes. How could I, when the person I lived as… wasn’t even me?”
Luhan didn’t know when he had started to cry but by the time he finished talking, tears had strained his face. Doctor Lee handed him a Kleenex and gave Luhan a few moments to himself before he spoke.
“Luhan, you want me to help you right?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re willing to try anything I tell you to do to get better?”
“I… I guess.”
“You need to get in contact with Yixing.”
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