chapter 7
Can i keep you?
"Luhan please open the door" im infront of Kai's apartment, i keep knocking and theres no answer. and im okay with it because i deserve it "Luhan please, please i beg you" silence fills my soul and everything around me. my tired hand keeps knocking the door
"please Luhan, i know im a liar in your eyes. but...but..." i hear someone grabbing the door knob, i give a step back and i wait for Luhan to open the door. but this story is not going to be simple, because Luhan didnt open the door, it was Kai.
"but what?"
"i dont know, suddenly i cant find my words" Kai chuckles
"he left, i dont know where he is"
"in your point of view do i still have a chance?" Kai turns to look to another direction, he doesnt have the answer of the most hardest question i could ever know. he sighs as he fighting with himself. slowly he moves his head and turns to look at me "find the answer yourself" his tone didnt sound mad, even when he should. his tone was the old simple Kai the one known for years.
i nod and i begin to walk.
i continue to walk as my feet are my destiny. they begin to take me to a place i havent never seen. but it seems like my feet remember. the street lights turn on, cold autumn wind begin to fly around me. birds fly away, and people holding someone they love walk by me. did i miss something?
"love, come back to me" i begin to sing in a low voice, i didnt want people to think i was crazy "doll beautiful eyes, come back to me" i put my hands in my jacket, as the wind gets colder "why dont you come back? your everything to me" i start to get in the high notes "you suddenly change m..." and i couldnt continue far away i can see Luhan sitting on a bench.
i give a step forward but i stop as i see him cleaning his tears. i have broken him, now he cries all the time because of me. i feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. i shake my head before they could fall, i turn around and i keep on walking. every step sounds so loud, as im the only person in the world. every step sounds like they are going to break the floor. as my body carries to much guilt.
~
i know im dreaming, i know for sure that iam. im walking no im running, all the streets are dark. i can barely see, but i know i have to keep on running. suddenly someone begins to cry. the sound enters my ears and it wouldnt leave me. the sound begins to get louder and louder, i cant hear myself think. i stop running and i look around.
but everything seems so dark, suddenly a mirror appears and im the seven year old self. i have forgotten how i used to look. i try to get close to the mirror, but it starts to move. getting far away from me. the mirror disappears and so does the crying. im alone in the dark. i begin to shake as im getting scared, i want to wake up but i cant.
"mom!" i begin to yell but no one answers or appears "dad!" no one is here for me. i lay down on the floor and i begin to cry, tears fall on the floor and i start to feel cold. and no one is here for me. i hear someone yelling, i dont recognize who it was but that person was yelling so loud. i cover my ears but i could still hear it.
"Yixing!" i open my eyes and im back "i been trying to wake up for five minutes already" i sit up and thats when a drop of sweat falls for my forehead, Suho grabs a napkin and begins to clean the sweat. i feel such like a little kid that i lay down, and i just let him take care of me.
"you want to talk about your dream?" i shake my head
"no"
"is this about Luhan?" i nod, he stop cleaning my sweat and sighs. without him realizing he was starting to act like a parent. i didnt want to say anything in case the magic would be gone.
"i lied to him, and now he hates me"
"i dont think he hates you" i stand up alittle
"what makes you say that?"
Suho looks at me, he problably finds me like a sick person or something. his probably debating with himself if he should take me to the hospital and leave me there until i forget Luhan "because since the moment you left, he would come to the house and ask about you. even when he was with Kai, he always did" i stand up and i begin to get dress.
"where your going?" i put my blue jeans on "where do you think? im going to Luhan's house and talk to him" suho puts his hands in my shoulder stopping me "Yixing just wait for tomorrow" "what? no" he grabs my arm gently and the father figure that i had miss, came back as Suho "if it was meant to be, Luhan would be there tomorrow too"
he puts me in my bed, he kisses my forehead like if i was a three year old who had a nightmare. but i didnt say anything it feels nice. Suho leaves the room, and for the first time i start to pray for Luhan to be there tomorrow.
~
i remember this street, i remember that house on the corner. but the feelings that i have right now are not the same ones i had when i was here. when i was passing through here i wanted Luhan to walk away from my life. i was alittle freak out when he first came, and i thought money was going to solve this problem. yes i had called Luhan a 'problem'.
and now that im back, the feelings i have now are much stronger than me. i want him and i want him to be happy but with me. simple, but hard. the car stops, i linger alittle but i open the door. the sun shines for us Luhan, try not to push me out of your life. i begin to walk to the door, i knock ones. no one answer the door.
i know twice and nothing. i knock repeatedly but slow. i hear someone approaching, the door opens and Luhan appears. i begin to smile and i very low 'im sorry' comes out of my mouth "im sorry, im very sorry"
Luhan grabs my hand and takes me inside his home. i see pictures on the wall of him and his family. he takes me upstairs, every step we would give the wood would make a sound. i wonder how old this house is? i wonder when it snows Luhan feels cold. Luhan takes me to his room, it look so simple but at the same time, so lovely.
he lets go of my hand and we just look at each other "i know we would never be something, but i swear Luhan i was afraid that you would let go of me" Luhan doesnt say anything nor his face changes.
"im sorry that i cant remember you, im sorry that i couldnt stay here. but above all im sorry that i hurt you" Luhan gives me a kiss, and i dont know whats going on. but my lips were empty without him so i return the kiss. Luhan lips move to my neck, i dont want this to happen but at the same time do.
kisses after kisses, taste of sweet lips and empy words fill me. Luhan slowly takes me to his bed. we both lay down just looking at each other. i didnt want to push him, and he didnt want to push me. Luhan rest his head on my chest. without words filling the room, letting our actions say the words we cant explain. i close my eyes. hoping when i wake up Luhan would still let me kiss his lips.
~
i open my eyes, and this time Luhan was not on the room "Luhan!?" i get up and i check the restroom but he wasnt there. i go downstairs but he wasnt around, a note was on the door, and my heart begins to break. i grab the note
"Dear Lay, i do not hate you or blame you. i believe in your words, i believe that your sorry. but i cant help to think that i made your life into a big problem. i shouldnt have come in the first place. im the one that is sorry. i just wanted so much for you to remember me, you are the only thing that i have left. but now i know that im not for you. so forget me Lay, i would do that same"
i drop the note to the floor, anger and sadness fill my body. i dont know which one was more powerful, i would've of die for you Luhan. if you would've tell me to jump i would have done it. i didnt know what to do with myself, but if he wanted me to forget him. then i will.
i was sick of being in love. i took a big breath, and i relax myself. i was not going to think of Luhan anymore. he made his own choose and i would make mine. loving someone is the hardest think to do.
i wouldnt remember you.
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