chapter 5
Can i keep you?"another beer please" Kangin nods and gives me my second beer. i couldnt do it, i couldnt go home and see Luhan and Kai together. i tried, i push myself. i swear i did. but the thought of seen his face light up on a mention of Kai's name, is just not right.
"so here you are" Chen sits next to me
"hi" i take a sip of my beer
"you know everyone was waiting for you"
"i know, im sorry" Kangin gives a beer to Chen, he takes a sip and both of us are looking to the front. to the mirrors that are infront of us. a mirror that cant lie
"Since when....how long does...." i just couldnt finish my own sentence, a part of me wants to know and the other part wants to live in secret.
"oh i see thats what this is about" Chen smirks alittle, i swear it look exactly as Kai's.
"so"
"when you left he had alot of trouble. sometimes he would come to school, sometimes he wouldnt we thought it was because you left but it was bigger that"
"bigger? like what?"
"see Luhan's parents die, so he lives alone. and people take that chance to pick on him, i know i sounds stupid but thats the truth" i nod, and i take another sip of my beer
"Kai begin to hang with him, take him home make sure no one was picking on him. then out of nowhere they started to live together" live together, i try to think positive, i mean there was no one picking on Luhan anymore. then why did those words hurt more than they should?
"when you left Yixing, everyone had to grow up"
"so your saying that its my fault?" Chen begins to shake his head and looks at me
"no, no not at all. im just saying that" he takes a moment to grab more words and to give them to me
"if your going to fight for Luhan, then do it right. because we are not little kids anymore" he puts a hand on my shoulder and smile to me. i nod and Chen leaves.
~
i lay down on my bed, thinking about what Chen told me. about how everyone grow up, about if i want to fight for Luhan i should do it right. then the feelings i had when i was in London they came back. everything is a mess. everything hurts, everything doesnt seem right anymore.
i look at the calander, and days are nothing to me. i had wasted three years getting better, just to realize that the person that changed me was actually falling for my best friend.
maybe im making it sound wost than it is, but thats how i see things right now. and then lyrics start to pour on me. things i was and im afraid of, became lyrics of a song. i get up and i go to my desk and i grab a clean paper and i begin to write, like i used.
"i dont remember you, but i remember the day i met you" i scratch the lyrics is not good enough.
"why can you see whats in front of you. im the person thats dying to be with you" i make that paper into a ball and i throw it to the floor, is not good enough.
"lonely, is what iam right now. feelings is what i feel right now" no not good enough.
"you, with those eyes. you with that smile. you the person that im trying to figure it out. you the person that talks" i lay my head on the desk, why couldnt i simply write a good song? why do i always choke on my words when it comes to Luhan?.
i go and i lay down on the floor. the cold hard floor gives me chills, but it feels good on my warm skin. i keep waiting for death. i know is coming, i can feel it on my hands. how they keep shaking, im losing blood. my legs dont responde to me, thats the signs that death is here.
i begin to hear whispers all around the room, they are calling me "Yixing, Yixing" thats all i hear. oh god is it going to hurt? i keep looking around the my vision goes bad. the whispers get alouder and alouder. my heart begins to shake, no not my heart. i begin to shake.
something is coming out of my mouth, it looks white like foam. sweet death has come for me, and is making me suffer. god, death is not kind, will you be kind to me?
"Yixing!"
i close my eyes, as i take my last breath. if feels good to die. Luhan, it feels good.
no pain.
~
i wake up in a white room, machines connected to me. slowly unsure someone opens the door and it is Luhan. he looks at me, afraid but at the same time happy. i know now i didnt die.
"Lay" he runs to me and hugs me. just like that day
"you know who iam?" i stay quiet. why?
"you had a seizure, the doctor is going to check your brain incase you didnt damge it" seizure?
"Lay, please say something" Luhan's eyes seem sad. he keeps looking at me, he reachs for my hand and this is the moment. im waiting for, the moment when our hands touch, and we feel the connection. the feeling of belonging. but we dont touch, i move my hand away and i begin to lie.
"im sorry, i just dont know who you are" a tear slowly and painfully falls from Luhan's eye.
"im Luhan, and you are Lay" he says and i know perfectly who we are.
"no im sorry" Luhan kneels down and puts his head on my bed and begins to cry. the room is full of his sobs and tears. the missing part of my song. i want him to stop, i want him to look at me with clean eyes. but he doesnt stop, and i dont make him stop.
im going to hell anyway, at might as well enjoy the ride.
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