I’m smiling. I’m laughing. I’m giggling. I’m dancing. I’m singing. But deep inside, I’m dying. I’m crying. I’m aching so bad. I want to be rescued. I want someone to just stay beside me, hug me, and tell me everything will be alright, that I will be alright. I just want someone who will be there to smile for me, to protect me, to guard me, to make sure I’m always safe. I just want someone who will treat me the same as how I treat other people.

I love my parents. I love them so much I’m willing to do everything for them. I know they love me, too. They love me that they are willing to sacrifice everything for my sake. But they have their own problems, and they have always thought I can take care of myself so they trust me – and I think they always believe I’m fine. That nothing is wrong, and that I have always been strong. Or maybe they know there are times when I get so weak, but they don’t ask because they know I don’t want to talk about it.

I have always been afraid of loving other people – probably because I don’t have the ability to feel the same love back. I don’t know but it has been my sickness ever since, the inability to feel loved in return. Does such illness exist? I don’t know but I think I have that disorder – which hinders me to trust, and to give my heart a chance to open up, because every time I do, I feel hurt. Every time I use my heart over my mind – I feel broken, and as much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, there are times when I have to stop, look at myself, and whisper, “You’re hurt, aren’t you?”

My mother and father aren’t in good terms right now. It has always been like this. Dad getting angry, mom feeling hurt, and then she’ll go to me to vent out all the sadness she feels. She’s going through tough times, and every time she whines to me, I want her to stop talking because I feel as bad as hers, and I can’t show him I’m hurting, because she will feel the pain twice. Mothers feel for their children. She’s hurting and if she feels I’m hurt, then she will be broken again. I don’t want her to feel that way over and over again, so I’m staying strong – always hiding the fact that I want to cry to her. I want to hug her. I want to tell her I’m tired as she is – but we can’t stop coz we just can’t.

I feel the same way in school. Friends being there – I know, but somehow I just feel so empty. I just feel like when I leave, no one would care. My presence is appreciated, but I won’t be missed if I go away. I’m important – but not someone worth keeping for. As much as I want to stay happy, sometimes I just feel sad – and alone.

This is the funniest thing in the world – to admit that the safest place I have is right here – with you – not physically – for you never exist beside me. You’re just there – so close but so far. They might laugh at me, they might say I’m crazy – but you are my sweetest escape. The smile in your face is contagious, it gives me a smile as well. Right now, at this moment – you are the only one left positive in my heart. The other pieces beside your spot here are all broken – and I don’t know how to fix them – or if I could ever get to fix them soon. This is the first time that I have to admit to myself I’m not really happy. I may smile, I may laugh, I may crack jokes and people say I am someone who can get easily along with. I don’t know where I got that positivity (perhaps to you?) but when I suddenly stop and think for a while – I realized I’m just pretending – and that I’m not really happy.

That’s why I never want to see you sad – and when you do – I don’t want to look at you. I just want to see you smile, though I know I might sound really selfish. I don’t want to see you hurt. Damn, Jinki. You are the only one positive in my life. If you cry and show me you’re hurt, I can literally see my world crashing down – not leaving anything to me. I might be exaggerating a bit, I’m sorry, dear, I just can’t explain how sad I feel right now. Tomorrow, I must face another day again. I feel so lonely going here and there – knowing my love can never be returned. Oh, you’re exempted, coz you said you really love all your fans, I’m one of your fan, so you love me.

Err. Jinki, don’t hate me, but please don’t stop smiling. I know you’re not a mannequin to maintain the same smiling expression the entire time. You feel exhausted, too. You feel sad, and you also feel alone and sad, but please not now. I get happiness and safe confinement from you so please – store extra happiness for me by just smiling all the time. :D 

-E