First of all, I’m not really expecting you to read this, I don’t know if I can even take it if this happens to be delivered to you. I don’t even know why I’m doing this, but right now, right at this moment, when it’s already 1:30 am here in my country, I just want to talk to you. I just want to talk as if you’re in front of me, listening to all the things that I wish you know – or not.

The main reason probably why I write this is because I’m worried. I read that blog about the secret of Kpop idols, where the blogger stated you are depressed – and wanted to quit being an idol but you can’t since you have a contract with SM. A blog that says you’re hard to approach and that you don’t have good relationship with the other members. Yes, yes I know I don’t need to believe such things. I have always been thought to never believe things without basis. But it’s you, Jinki. We’re talking about you and not someone else here, how can I just not react? They say Minho has the worst attitude, I don’t mind. They say Key is gay, I don’t mind either. They say Khun and Fany were dating, and the least I could care. You see, I’m not really affected with bunch of rumors, but because they are talking about you, so I really cannot just let it slide. And the thing that happened during your stay in Hongkong, I just want you know I feel sad, and worried.

The smile you wear on stage while your eyes glow and spark – those are few wonderful things that I will refuse to believe as fake. The genuine look at your face as you sing to your fans like a sweet lullaby. It’s something that can't be faked. The sweet voice when you sing. It won’t come out and warm all of us if it’s not from your heart. I don’t know if I’m too biased or what, but I will never – ever – believe that you fake us, and act during the times when you make us believe your being yourself. If you tell me right now you were faking all your gags all along and will say that you intentionally fall – all the single time – and cracks your voice all the while because fans love it, then I will surely hate you until the inch of your height.

You make me happy – always – in a way that I don’t even know how. I smile because you do, I laugh because you do. I don’t know why you have such effect on me, and sometimes I’m starting to hate it. I refused to write but you made me realized I can’t stop writing, and all the hardships I’ve been going through, I don’t know why in a way, I feel like you’re with me. You are not an angel, but I feel like being secured and happy when I see your face. Probably my guardian angel likes you a lot.

I haven’t seen you in real life – not even your shadow, and I don’t know if I can be able to see you in person. SHINee World Concert in the Philippines? I’m starting to believe this will appear just in my dream. Not that I don’t like this to happen, but I should stop expecting because if this doesn’t come true then surely, you have hurt me for like the nth time. It’s funny how I cry because of you, and yet you have no single idea about how I feel.  I don’t know. I have loved you since 3 years ago – and until now I can’t answer the question “Why I like SHINee Onew.” There are a lot to list, but every time I start enumerating the reasons why I like you, I still feel it’s not enough. Have I told you I wrote a fanfic which called “100 reasons why I hate Lee Jinki”? I listed 100 reasons why I hate you – which happens to be why I love you – and they are not enough to justify why I really – really – like you. I don’t know. I guess there are really questions in life that can’t be answered – because it is simply unanswerable.

I remember I told my friend before that the one person who will be with me for the rest of my life is only 2^nd to you. I don’t know. But I think you have occupied the ultimate level of how I could love – or I’m just concluding so fast, but I think I will love him only second to you.  Uhuh, I’m crazy – I know – but I know where to stand. I know what’s real or not, it’s just that… we can’t really dictate what our heart wants to feel. Even if we try to control our feelings, we can’t do anything about it anymore. I honestly envy those couples but I know I can’t go for a happy relationship right now. Just like what a song said, “How can I move on when I’m so in love with you?”

Just 3 seconds, Lee Jinki. Look at me for 3 seconds and you can forget about me. I’m not expecting you to remember me. I just want to experience being in your gaze for 3 seconds, at least I can go home and tell my mom, I was in my man’s life for 3 seconds.

Being wide awake during wee hours can actually make a person think like a drunkard. Look at how I was able to write all of this in less than 10 minutes. I want to write more, but I think that will make me reveal myself more to you. I’m sorry – tho I know you will never read this – I’m still sorry. I feel sorry for myself for choosing fantasy over my reality. I’ve given up on love twice – because of you – but let me say I never regretted it.

I’ve been saying this a lot of times but let me say it again: Onew, the person I will rather call Lee Jinki by name, you are the cutest part of my life, I don’t know how long could I still look at you as someone I admire the most, but whether my love for you fades away or not – you have caught a permanent place here – in my heart.

[edit: darn, I read this again and... okay. why am I so dramatic last night? Jeezzz]