hi jongin. let me tell you something you probably already know.

The thing about love is that it's never at the right time, or with the right person, or the proper reason, or even the ing place. Love is so fickle, that i used to think of it as the grains of sand that woud slither between my fingers whenever i'd try to grasp it.

you probably want to know why the hades i'm telling you this, but really don't ask. i don't think i can answer you either.

today i watched this indie film called across the universe & i thought of you; they were always dancing and singing. i also came across a song called you don't marry the stripper, you just date her. & i thought of you again; we met in a strip joint, remember?

you had a cigarette stick between your lips, and clouds of smoke spiralled in front of you. i didnt know if you'd been a dream or not--i still wonder about it now. actually, i still wonder about a lot of things.

were you real or not? Did my overactive imagination just made you up to console me on nights when insomia would flitter around the crevice of my mind? Please tell me you are. i dont know what to do if i find out that those fiery touches and coffee stained kisses were just products of my untamed cerebrum and erratic heart.

jongin, i'm going crazy and all i know is that my name is kyungsoo and that you never called me honey, or sweetheart, or darling, but that doesn't matter.

what matters now is the blade in my hand and the tub water that's soaking my body. i don't even want to look, although you called me a masterpiece even though we both know that i'm nothing but a bouquet of bruises (you love me, you love me not). what matters is my closed lid and sealed lips as they're drenched by the overflowing water.

almost as if ive been born to do this, my left hand slashes the underside of my wrists horizontally. The.cut's wider than i hoped for. peeking, all i saw before me was red liquid, clouding the clear water like a blanket. i nearly took it as a sign; something that says now, i'll be with you. i won't be alone anymore. i'll follow you.