Leeteuk opened the door and rushed in. At that time I had collapsed on the floor inside my room. My body felt so weak I couldn’t even lift a finger. It was like I had cried everything out; or that the void had finally every single bit of my being. There was nothing left in me, no feeling, no will, no thought, no strength…

To some extent it was a mercy to me. My body didn’t even have the energy to shiver. Weakly inside my ribcage my heart struggled to continue beating…

My flame of life was flickering…

I was carried back onto my bed. Leeteuk covered my body with the blankets. He rested the back of his hand on my forehead. “Donghae… Stop torturing yourself…”

I stared at the ceiling and whispered. “It’s my fault…”

I deserve all tortures…

Leeteuk kneeled down and clenched my hand tightly in his. Tears rolled down his cheeks when he spoke. “Donghae… Please… I beg you… Stop torturing yourself… We all love you…”

Slowly I closed my eyes.

Hyukkie… I love you…

The next day I was lying on my bed, staring blankly out the window when Leeteuk knocked and came in. He put a tray on the cupboard beside my bed, on which a glass of water, a bowl of porridge and some pills were placed. “Donghae… please at least eat something. It’s been days…”

I didn’t move.

He bit his lip and continued. “OK I leave them here. We have to head out now. Ryeowook will stay in the dorm. Let him know if you need anything OK?”

I didn’t move.

“… Donghae… Be strong… Remember we all love you…” Slowly he turned and headed towards the door, wiping his tears on the way.

[Donghae, remember how much I love you… remember how much I love you…]

I continued staring out the window. Birds were flying, even singing. Faint sounds of traffic, of people rushing here and there for various reasons flowed in. The sky changed its color from grayish blue to pale blue to crystal blue as the day progressed.

Judging by the amount of sunlight flooding in it was noon time. After several knocks at the door Ryeowook came in. Taking a look at the tray he said. “Hyung… you… you haven’t touched the food…”

I didn’t move.

Being a crybaby soon Ryeowook was sobbing already. “Hyung… pls stay strong… I… I now heat the porridge for you…” He took the tray and got out of the room.

Minutes later he came back in. “Hyung… pls get up and eat… I added your favorite flavor…”

I… I didn’t move at first. But considering the fact that Ryeowook was my dongsaeng I felt guilty ignoring him. Softly I whispered. “Thank you Ryeowook. I will eat… but later…”

While Ryeowook continued staying I added. “Ryeowook you don’t have to accompany me. You have compositions to work on right?”

He looked at me for some time. “Hyung… pls remember to eat… OK?”

Gently I nodded and he left the room.

The sky’s color changed from blue to purple with reddish orange hues to grey to black as the sun switched duty with the moon. Again faint sounds of traffic and people rushing back home could be heard.

Things were moving on outside. Nevertheless things were still frozen inside. They were frozen since the moment his heart beat the last beat… And while outside the sky continued to change color, inside the color remained… black of course.

Suddenly the door of my room was slammed open and Leeteuk strode in to stand beside my bed. He dragged me up and glared at me. “Donghae!! THIS IS ENOUGH!! It’s not your fault. It’s a tragedy. Stop torturing yourself!! I know Hyukkie means a lot to you but there are other people who love you as well. We all love you here!! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!!”

What he just said stirred up anger inside which miraculously gave me the energy to jump out of bed, glowered and screamed at him. I pointed at my heart and yelled. “Here! In my Heart!! Forever Hyukkie occupies the most important and special place! There is NO ONE, NO OTHER who can measure up to Hyukkie!! Not even close!! I know it. I know I am childish, silly, unpredictable and sometimes even unreasonable!! But Hyukkie took and tolerated them all. He loved me despite all those. He loved Lee Donghae, the whole person including each and every single flaw!! THERE IS NO OTHER LIKE HYUKKIE!!!!!”

My voice cracked as I choked. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I continued glaring at him with my tear-flooded eyes. Both my fists were clenched and my whole body was trembling. I gritted my teeth as I tried my best to fight the sobs and the burning sensation at the back of my throat.

Leeteuk was too stunned to react. I could see he was trembling as well.

We kept staring at each other. At the end Leeteuk pursed his lips, swallowed whatever he was trying to say, patted my shoulder and left the room without another word.

Silence again filled my world. When the anger subsided strength was fast drained from my body. I felt so exhausted all I could do was to let my body collapse onto my bed.

Sorry hyung… I know you all love me… but that’s the difference…

If I screamed at Hyukkie like that… he would not just pat my shoulder and leave. He would not leave me alone. He would stay and hug me tight. He would weep with me and tenderly brush away my tears. He would hold me tight even if I tried to push him away, even if I kicked him and hit him. And even if I bit his hand hard he would still not let go of me. No matter how childish, how unreasonable I was, how long I struggled, Hyukkie would keep soothing me until I finally stopped sobbing, until smile returned to my face. Even after that he would stay with me, embrace me in his arms, and whisper “I love you” beside my ear…

That’s the difference…

And Hyukkie knew how to get me to eat when I didn’t want to. He would pamper me like a kid. He would cheer me up with whatever silly jokes he could think of. He would say Lee Donghae is a good kid and a good kid should eat. Or he would take a spoonful first and pretended it was so tasty, and then threatened to finish all himself. Or he would offer to say “I love you” every time I took a spoonful… Or…

Hyukkie would do whatever I asked him to… no matter how silly my requests might be… as long as I pleaded with my eyes and pouted…

That’s the difference…

That’s Hyukkie… the only one who understood Donghae perfectly… the only one who knew what exactly Donghae needed… the one and only one…

There’s no other like Hyukkie…

And in the remaining years of my life, there will be no Hyukkie…

I closed my eyes. I was too exhausted to move. My body remained still like a corpse. The only exceptions were my eyes. Thanks to the unceasing tears they were not like those of a corpse... yet…

It was unbearable. The anguish squeezing my heart was excruciating. Turning my head I looked at the bottommost drawer of the cupboard. Slowly I took out the notepad and held it tight in my arms. I didn’t have to read. His words were imprinted in my head. All I needed at that moment was to feel him.

[And that’s also my last gift to you Donghae… my love to you… and the most memorable moments in my life. Part of me would stay in the notepad…]

Even for just a little while, that was the only way to get myself released from the void. Part of Hyukjae stayed in the notepad. And that part of him was in my arms. Though one could hardly feel it, a faint stream of love flowed from wherever Hyukjae was through the notepad into my heart… to keep it beating…

My heart… you may as well stop beating now… I don’t know how I can carry on without him…

Hyukkie… what am I supposed to do now? I can’t live without you… Really I can’t… I just can’t…

Hyukkie… I miss you… so… much…

More tears rolled down my cheeks as I closed my eyes and wept. I held the notepad as desperately as I could so as to feel him better… if that’s possible… While I strained my heart to feel him, I felt my own heartbeat weakening…

My heart… you may as well stop beating now… It doesn’t matter…

Death… you can finally have me...

I welcome your embrace. I thank your mercy...

Take me and free me from all pain and sufferings…

Shrieking laughs of the void echoed in my head. Darkness was creeping over me, clouding my mind.

My body was becoming colder. And it’s getting more and more difficult to breathe… Soon it would be over…

I waited, counting the remaining counts of my heartbeat… It’s getting slower… It’s getting dimmer… Soon it would be over…

A warm hand caressed my face. Weakly I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry and dim but there could be no mistake. It was Hyukjae. The corner of my mouth curled into a smile. Sorry Hyukkie… I’m so useless… I just can’t live without you…

Like last time Hyukjae was sitting there. Just this time he was crying. Tears kept streaming down his eyes as he looked at me. I dared not move for fear Hyukjae would vanish like last time. Well… a bigger part of the truth was I no longer had the luxury since there was no strength left in my body…

Moments later Hyukjae gently removed the notepad from my arms. Like lifeless limbs my arms fell on both sides. Hyukjae pointed at his heart; made a heart shape with his hands and placed one hand on my chest above my heart.

Hyukkie…

More tears trickled down his cheeks as he repeated. His pace quickened. His gesture and facial expression got more anxious.

Hyukjae pointed at his heart; made a heart shape with his hands, placed one hand on my chest…pointed at his heart… made a heart shape… placed one hand on my chest…

Then I could feel it. Ripples of life force surged from his fingertips to the very core of my heart, waking up the pulse which was in the middle of vanishing; reviving the flame of life which was on the verge of dying…

Like a defibrillator his every touch sent electricity through my heart, each time stronger than the time before.

At the end Hyukjae pressed his one hand on my chest; his other hand took mine and pressed it on his chest. Our hearts connected. Electricity shot through my whole body. It was paralyzing for some time but then my heart gave a strong throb and resumed beating. Blood again flowed inside the veins. Strength and warmth slowly returned to my body.

My mind was still blank at that moment. Hyukjae sighed in relief and smiled. He then leaned in and kissed my forehead.

Hyukkie…

Hyukjae continued staying there. His hand kept my hair tenderly. Every took a bit of pain, sorrow, bitterness, anxieties, worries, uncertainties away; replacing them with peace, and comfort, and warmth, and love…

[Donghae, remember how much I love you… remember how much I love you…]

I love you too… Hyukkie… I love you…

No other can touch my heart like you do…

There’s really no other like you…

My eyelids were getting heavier and heavier…

For the first time after such a long time… I could sleep… a nightmare-free sleep…

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A/N: Awwwwwwwwwwww it's a torture to me not to update last week!! >_<

A/N2: Thx to nousernameideas who made this brilliant poster. I really like it!!

A/N3: There's really no other like Hyukkie. And seriously Hyukkie touched my heart. Hyukkie I love you!! ^^

A/N4: Hyukkie saved Hae this time. But the void is not going to release Donghae that easily... >_<