Since then not a single night passed without nightmares. The boundaries were blurred. Often I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or living…

Click. “… Donghae…Saranghaeyo…”

Click. “… Donghae…Saranghaeyo…”

It’s 3:02am. I was sitting on my bed, hugging my knees and looking out the window. My hand was pressing the “play” button of the recorder over and over like a robot. No matter how many times it repeated itself, it’s still not enough.

Tell me you love me… Hyukkie… why didn’t you tell me…?

I wept as I buried my face between my arms. I actually felt guilty doubting his love.

… But Hyukkie… why didn’t you tell me…?

In my mind the two images of him were conquering; his haunting, blood-stained face with eyes saying I was the most disgusting creature on earth; his undecipherable, tear-stained face with eyes sending messages too many I couldn’t comprehend.

It’s the same every time. Hyukjae would not say anything but just brought me back to reality, leaving my bewilderment hanging.

Your love to me… Hyukkie… is my last hope…

On the battlefield between life and death, that’s my last line of defence… the last thread tying my soul with my flesh…

Tell me you love me… Hyukkie… why didn’t you tell me…?

I was waiting for a verdict. It never came. Maybe it’s just another way to torture me…

……

I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I hoped the feeling of cold water running down my face and neck could help refresh my mind. I hoped it could, at least for the time being, free my mind from those endless questions.

I closed my eyes, drew in a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror.

The black-robed was standing by the bathroom door!

I gasped as I turned to face him. There’s no one by the door. I looked into the mirror again. There the black-robed was, in the mirror…

Slowly the black-robed stepped forward. It’s coming out of the mirror. I took a step back, then another step. My eyes widened in horror. Blood was drained from my face. My mind was screaming inside, telling my body to just turn around and run. Nevertheless my body would not follow. It was trembling so bad it’s on the verge of breaking down.

My back reached the bathroom door. The figure was still approaching slowly. My trembling hand was desperately searching for the doorknob to no avail.

As it kept approaching I was slowly being devoured by the chill. My heart was trying to escape by struggling to jump out of my chest. Finally my hand managed to locate the doorknob. (Just grab it and turn… open the door and run… open the door… open the door…)

The black-robed was right in front of me. I was pressed against the door. The cold was suffocating me. I squeezed my eyes shut…

……

“Donghae it’s me. Don’t be scared.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. It’s not the husky whispers I heard. It’s… it’s Hyukjae’s voice…

Tentatively I opened my eyes. The figure had lowered his hood. I found the eyes of Hyukjae looking right into mine.

“Hyukkie…?”

He smiled. “Sorry Donghae. Sorry for not saying a word so far.”

I was slowly calming down. When I looked at him emotions inside just burst out. I covered my mouth and sobbed. I wanted to embrace him but...

“Donghae… do you love me?”

I nodded. More tears escaped my eyes. (Hyukkie there’s you in every tear I shed…)

“Donghae… are you sure? Do you still love me? Or… not…?” His face turned sad and tears were welling up in his eyes.

My eyes widened upon hearing that. I didn’t expect that question from him. For some time I was too stunned to react. I could only look at him.

Hyukjae looked away as a teardrop rolled down his cheek.

“Of course I love you Hyukkie!! I never stop loving you!!” Again I wanted to hug him but...

He raised one eyebrow as he turned to look at me again. “Really? But I cannot feel it anymore Donghae… That’s why I couldn’t say I still love you… I don’t know… I really don’t know… if I… love you anymore…” He pulled back and started to turn away.

What he just said was like a stab in my heart. (NO!! This can’t be happening!!)

“Hyukkie!!”

He halted and spoke without looking back. “Donghae… I’m sorry. I desperately want to keep my love for you. But… I have to feel your love first. Could you… prove it to me?”

“How?” (Just say it Hyukkie. I’d do anything.)

Hyukjae looked at me in the mirror. “Donghae… give your life to me. If you can die for me, I know your love is true.”

He pulled his hood back up and walked into the mirror, without waiting for my answer. That’s not necessary. It’s not a verbal answer he was asking for… He’s asking for…

……

It was windy. The wind was flapping my jacket. It was mercilessly scratching my face. Grey clouds were hanging low in the sky. It’s going to be a cold and rainy day.

The time was early morning. The day was dawning. Not much sunlight succeeded in making their way through the clouds, it was still dark.

I could not see anybody. There was no one in sight. They were probably still in bed, cursing the alarm clocks; searching within for a good excuse to stay longer in their dreamlands; debating with themselves if it’s a good time to begin the day.

I was standing and debating within about something else. To be accurate, I was standing on the rim outside the railing of the roof top.

“Donghae… prove your love to me…”

It won’t take long. Count to 3. Close my eyes. Lean forward. Release my grip on the railing. Start counting again. Before I can count to 10 it will be over…

Donghae… why are you hesitating? Isn’t Hyukkie more important than your own life?

Definitely. If I can bring him back by offering my life…

It’s actually quite a one-sided debate. My head was saturated with voices pushing me to go ahead, to jump, to let go, to end everything…

Nevertheless weakly deep inside, something was desperately trying to hold me back.

Hyukkie… I can’t let you go…

Without your love… I anyway cannot live…

On the battlefield between life and death, that’s my last line of defence… the last thread tying my soul with my flesh…

Now I untie the knot…

One

……

Two

……

Three

……

I closed my eyes.

……

I leaned forward.

……

I loosened my grip.

……

“DONGHAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

……

---------------------------------

A/N: It's clear right? That's not Hyukkie. That's the evil black-robed.

A/N2: Now I should really go find myself a hiding place...