I don’t know at what time we came back to the dorm. We were all sad and pissed and all just wanted to go to bed.

“Guys don’t wait for me. I’m going to bring _______ back.” I said.

“Are you going to spend the night at her house?” Dongwoon asked.

“Yeah. I’m going home” They all were silent.

“I’m coming with you.” Hyunseung said.

“We all are going to stay over” Yoseob said finally.

We all went to your house. It stopped raining and we all looked up and asked ourselves , if it was you, who stopped the rain.

When we got in the house was warm.

“_______… did you leave the heater one? Again? I told you it’s a huuuuuuge waist of energy” I said while I placed your picture over the tv in the bookshelf.

“Guys the blankets are in the cabinet next to the wardrobe. Help yourself” I ordered.

All went to get their blankets except for Gikwang.

“You know….you can’t pretend forever that _______ is still here. I know…it’s hard to accept it…but you have to move on Junhyung…..”he said.

“You don’t know anything….and don’t ever say that _______ isn’t here. She is always by my side!” I said very angry.

Right? You won’t ever leave me _______. Will you?

I gave the guys some towels to dry their self and went to the kitchen to cook.  I made your fav. Dinner. Kimchispaghetti.

Dujun prepared the table and all others were watching tv.

We all sat down and all began to eat.

“Wait. We forgot something!” I quickly made my way into the kitchen and bought a place setting with me and placed it beside my empty chair and put some of the spaghetti on the plate. All watched me in shock.

“Uhhh….Junhyung” Yoseob said. “_______ won’t eat……I think….”

I just looked at him and poured grape juice in your glass. I knew you love grape juice.

Later the evening we all made ourselves comfortable. Then it began to thunder .

With a burst the door got slammed open.

A women stepped in.

“YAH! Whoever is here…..I KNOW ….I’M GONNA KILL YOU!” she screamed and ran to us.

“Omo” she looked at us dumbfounded.

“W-who are you?” she asked now scared.

“Uhmm who are you?” I asked. “What are you doing in my girlfriend's house?”

“BOH?! Your girlfriends house? I think you mistaken mister. This is the house of my friend _______.” She said.

“Uhhh I know that it’s her house….wait...you are her friend? She told me she never had any friends here. Only in her home town.” I was very confused.

“So. I. am….was her friend. And she never told me she had an boyfriend…. I think you mistaken the house with a different one.” She said very confused.

“Well…that’s my girlfriend” I pointed at your picture over the tv. It was now switched off.

“Impossible….she said she never had a boyfriend” she said mostly to herself.

“Well I AM her boyfriend.” I said proudly.

“Then…what’s your name mister? I think we need to talk a bit.” She said and looked at me.

“My name is Junhyung. And your name?”

“My name… call me Michelle. Let’s sit down” she pointed at the dinner table.

“Guys….you may join us.” I said and made the following sign.

We all sat down and were quiet.

Really “_______….how much did you tell me about you. It seems that I know nearly nothing about you but enough to fall in love with you…

“Well….I’m gonna start” Michelle said.

“Where to start…. I am a really close friend of _______‘s …well I guess not anymore….I was a really close friend” she said very sad.

“No…don’t talk like that. She is still with us.” I said and got over to the tv and took your picture with me and placed it on the table.

Michelle looked at me very confused. But I saw a soft spot in her eyes.

I understand why you like her: _______ … she is very nice to you, huh?

“Hey _______ … long time no see man….hehehe you loved to say that” Michelle began to laugh.

“Sooo….I met your BOYFRIEND… why didn’t you tell me about me? Why didn’t you told me anything…. I blame me for everything…. I-I….” now she cried and Dongwoon patted her back.

“Do you know what’s in that old metal box on you ‘s desk?” I asked

“Metall box?” Michelle looked at me confused.

“Why didn’t I thought earlier about it!” I scolled myself and got up to search for it.

There is one thing _______, you didn’t let me see…it’s that box. I always wondered what’s in it….well time to find out.

I found it and placed it in the middle of the dinner table.

“Mhmmm there is a lock….” Gikwang said.

He tried to break it but failed. He got angry, placed it on the ground and kicked in once hard across the room. With a BANG the box opened and filled it’s contend on the ground. Gikwang picked it all up and placed it on the table. We all looked through it. I found a paper and read a bit.

I got up and sat down on the sofa and began to read again.

How it all started

I don’t know how it started. But I guess the first thing that ripped me apart was my first love.

You. You. You. (no it's not Junhyung. It's someone else. And no....no name for him )

You were the first. I loved everything about you. Your hair, your smile, your bad habits and even your dog which disliked me.

My world just spun around you.

But you were too good for me. I wanted you so bad. But then I refused to give you my heart. I knew it was wrong. I knew I would hurt both of us. I knew what the right thing to do was.

I won’t let you love me.

I hated me for my love. I saw it as a sickness a weakness…something bad.

I made you hate me. It was the only thing I could bare. I couldn’t stand your kindness….it was…too good for me. I was trash….trash that dared to feel… trash that dared to look at you.

I walked away from you. At first you didn’t understand why…but u got used to it and began to ignore me. We looked at each other. Your eyes with questions an sadness, mine full of hate  and bad thoughts….but not against you …against my love. I was so weak.

I would cry every night and thought about ending it all.

It was the first time I thought about death.

I liked the idea of ending my life.

But it was wrong. It was the wrong time yet.

But I couldn’t stand being happy. I don’t deserve being happy.

I don’t deserve it.

Not me.

I guess I still didn’t stop loving you. Even until now every time I see you I feel the pain pack then. I feel my love and I know it’s wrong.

Every time I am happy I know that soon there will come that down that will destroy my happiness. I fear and love it. I fear it ‘cause I begin to like the feeling of happiness and I love it ‘cause the pain is my “home”. I know…pain is the only feeling I am allowed to feel. Pain is to only thing I let myself dare to feel.

It feels so damn good. If I am in pain…I will always be reminded of my pain. Of my pain in live. And it makes me feel so good.

I laugh and cry and scream that’s the pain I love.

I hate myself.

There was once that point….if I couldn’t be happy…I’ll make others happy.

You know me for being helpful and kind but also for being strict and strong.

I know my aim and I’ll fight for it.

And I succeed in everything I fight for. You know…. I am you . I get what I want no matter how.

I made a lots of people happy.  And I knew it was the right thing to do.

What am I.

Who am I.

I am really really strong but aswell really really weak.

I am nothing.

I am trash.

Then…. I forgot about you pain. I had the hope that you may won’t ever visit me. I had the illusion of being able to fight you.

I began to do thinks for me. For my happiness. I found some good friends and lost them. I fought but then again we all lived in harmony.

I had ups and downs but only little ones.

I began to forget.

But I remember the next thing that ripped my heart. But I only remembered it’s feelings.

They were huge. I guess all sadness and all “bad” feelings came out.

I was a ticking bomb.

It was the second time liked the idea of being dead. I wanted it so badly. But my aim was to make the people around me happy and with my dead they would not be happy.

In the end I didn’t.

I pulled myself together….well I began to act.

I act a life. I act my life.

At one point my act became my real self and since then it’s a part of me.

I now ask what am I not who.

No, I am not trash. I am you .

But still what is you ?

I don’t know.

 What am I?

I guess it took 4 years until I lost my happiness again.

But first I did a big mistake.

I did fell in love.

And this time I couldn’t hold back.

My strongest fear became reality.

Someone cared for me as I cared for him.

I was really scared.

I knew that I wasn’t allowed to love.

For my loves sake I could not be with him.

But it didn’t help.

No…you aren’t my mistake.

I am the mistake. I am a mistake for even existing.

That’s the mistake. I wasn’t made for life.

It was the happiest time of my life. I loved it.

There was this biiiiiiig fear.

I knew I won’t keep you forever. I knew soon something bad would happen but…with time, I began to forget my fears. I forgot.

I don’t remember anything except feelings.

If you would ask me what have you done today. I would know it.

Ask me about the begin of the week. I would remember half of it.

Now ask me about the rest. I would remember only pain.

That’s why I picked not to remember.

I had a normal life. A normal happy life.

Until that day.

I went drinking. And by the end of the night I was fully drunk.

When I woke up I only remembered two things.

First; my “bad” feelings came back.

Second; I talked about killing myself. I set a date. It was my birthday.

I began to feel scared again. I thought I had forget my pain. I thought I would be able to be happy.

I guessed wrong.

I am nothing.

I am trash.

I am not allowed to feel.

I hated myself even more for hating my happiness.

I was scared of myself.

I didn’t want to end it.

I wanted to stay.

But I forgot about myself. I forgot about my “bad” side.

And sadly it has the upper hand.

Today is my birthday. It’s raining. No one knows.

I’ll make myself a gift.

I’ll give me the biggest present I’ve ever wanted.

I don’t deserve to be loved by you.

But I love you.

I love you Junhyung.

I am sorry that you love me.

Please. Hate me.

Please. Go.

Find your happiness.

Find it and be forever happy.

I will watch you and protect you with my love.

With my wrong love

Saranghae

you

“Guys…. I know why you died.

She died ‘cause of happiness” I said and shed a single tear. It slid down my face and dropped on the floor.

You are my happiness you.

It began to storm really hard.

I could hear the rain against the windows.

Hehehehe I finally updated :D

Yeah I am so in love with this story so I wrote a new chap.

Please leave me some comments <3

btw. it's really good writing that down. I feel much better ^^

Please look forward to the next chapter. <3

Saranghaeyo \ (*-*) /