Staring at the ghostly image in the mirror, Daehyun failed to recognise himself at all. What were those beautiful captivating eyes Youngjae had once mentioned? Where had they gone? When he looked into them all he saw was a pair of lifeless dark pits of nothingness. There was nothing left, not even the slightest glint of hope was left. He had become that empty shell he thought he had overcame.

His nights mostly consisted of himself lying in bed staring off into space, blinking at the darkness around. He didn’t even have to willpower to cry, he just felt empty. Without even realizing Daehyun had messaged Youngjae’s phone with that numbing feeling all over never leaving him. There was a part of him that hoped, that prayed that he would get a reply but he knew it was inevitable.

Is it true? Why did you tell Himchan? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me you were dying?

There were moments when he would feel the flush of rage flash over him. Youngjae had abandoned him. He could have explained what had happened to him but he didn’t. He had told Daehyun time and time again that everything was alright. He had told Daehyun he was going to get better, that everything was going to be just fine.

Youngjae, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never lost anything so close to me before. What am I supposed to do?

Daehyun felt nothing. When people began to worry about him, he merely shook them off. Both Jongup and Zelo had come with the conclusion that he and Youngjae had a fight. Daehyun didn’t bother correcting either of them. They could believe whatever they wanted as long as he was left alone. Nothing they could do could possible help him.

He doubted that anyone could help him. No one would understand what it was like for Daehyun. No matter how hard people would try they weren’t him. They hadn’t suffered as he did, they didn’t have that bond with Youngjae. All they could do was imagine and pretend but that wasn’t enough. Daehyun needed someone to know what it was like to lose the one thing treasured so deeply that life itself made no comparison.

 I can’t breath. It’s like I’m suffocating but somehow I’m still here. Why?

The tightness in his throat hadn’t left since he had first discovered the news. He couldn’t even find his voice anymore let alone sing. Everyone believed he was sick and left him alone in his hotel rooms to heal. But Daehyun wasn’t going to be healed. He wasn’t really sick but allowed everyone to believe it, just as how he allowed Jongup and Zelo think that he was upset about a fight that never existed.

Please message me back Youngjae. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m sorry for but I’m sorry. Just come back

Daehyun had choked at the lump sitting at the base of his throat. Youngjae wasn’t going message him back. He wasn’t ever going to speak to him again and it wasn’t because he was mad at him, it was because he was simply gone. Gone forever.

He looked at the mirror one last time, hoping that he could perhaps catch a glimpse of the person Youngjae had helped to mould but all he got was emptiness. It was like someone had removed everything within him and left behind a hollow shell. Even when he watched movies they had no effect on him, when he called his parents he couldn’t even feel the awkward tension between them. Everything was simply bare and numb. He needed to feel something, anything to make him feel like he was still alive.

His eyes trailed along the sharp edges of a pair of scissors that sat absentmindedly on the countertop. The blades glistened under the bathroom light, almost as if they were mocking him.

YJ:
> after my cousin died i started looking at ways i could have helped her
> really simple things like i could have told her she could have used rubber bands or ice cubes to help with her need to hurt herself

DH:
> you still blame yourself dont you?
> it wasnt your fault
> theres nothing you could have done that would have changed this

YJ:
> yeah i know
> its just that i want to help people who might be going through the same things as her
> try and help them maybe
> there are a lot of people who hurt themselves over here, like people over the net
> it really hurts me to know that so many people are suffering through the same things
> just wanna help them as much as i can, even if they dont want it

DH:
> i dont know and i dont think id be ever able to understand why some people do that
> i guess im too scared of pain to actually want to ever do it on myself

YJ:
> you are such a precious soul ;A;

The conversations Daehyun had once shared with Youngjae seemed so long ago. There were so many tender moments they shared together but that’s what they were, they were all just memories. He bit his lower lip as he stared at the haunting blades. He had never been pushed over the edge like this before. He had never suffered so much before. When people talked to him it was as if he wasn’t really there. It was as if he was watching someone pretending to be him move and control his body.

All he wanted was to get some feeling back. He was tired of feeling numb and lifeless. He wanted to feel something, anything.