To live sometimes doesn’t mean you’re alive.

To die sometimes doesn’t mean you’re dead.

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I’m walking along the shore reminiscing the past, waiting for you to come to me just like old times. We will swim, surf and build sand castles or just simply sit down on the sand and watch the sky or our kites or the sun as it sets.

It’s been years, lonely years in college. Did you know I took up Architecture and Fine arts? I have a job too, at a private architectural and engineering firm. I love my work. I can’t wait to tell you everything that happened in my life.

Death came to you and they never attempted to revive you, as wished by your father that he can no longer see you suffer but don’t have the heart to kill you. So when it came we were just holding your hand. Your dad was crying and I didn’t shed a tear, I was still numb.

There we’re no last words, you weren’t conscious most of the time and when you are awake pain engulfs you. It was hard to look at you and I wished that I could be the one in your place.

I prayed to the Lord, to bargain and beg to no avail that I needed a miracle from him.

No answer.

I was angry at Him, at everyone.

After Mr. Lee stopped crying there was only silence and I knew I had to get away. I wasn’t able to stay while they remove all the contraptions from you. I left the place as soon as possible.

I went to your funeral, on the last day. I didn’t want to see you inside the coffin but I have to go, to pay respect and to see you for the last time before they burn you to ashes. Mr. Lee said it was your wish to be cremated. I don’t like the idea of fire engulfing your body, I fear that somehow it would hurt you but then fire is somewhat better that worms.

My parents and people around me look at me like any minute I would breakdown but it’s vain, because I’m numb. My sister, she hugs me often and cheer me up like somehow her innocent mind knows that I need to be cheered, that she knows I’m sad inside although I was able to put on a merry display for her, inside I felt as empty as ever.

I still hadn’t come to terms with your death that time. I was sleeping very little, and I'd lost my appetite, like I lost my will to survive when you fail to exist. I felt hollow and lost, and nothing in the world seemed worthwhile. Even after I left town and go to school, nothing changed, I was like a zombie.

When my mother checks on me and asks if I was okay. I would say yes even though I know that she knows I’m not. She would see through my lie. When she talks about you I found it impossible to mention your name or hear it without my stomach tightening and my heart throbbing with pain.

My sorrow was all consuming and endless, shutting me off from those who love me, my parents and my grand folks and some people at school that was close to being my friend. As another week dragged by, I withdrew further and further inside myself. I keep on drifting away even in my classes that I have to drop a semester.

When I went back, and stay with my parents I no longer answered people when they asked a question, I would shrug or just walk away or never react. Life went on as usual around me, my father goes to work my mom attends to my siblings and I just stay in my room.

My mom talks about therapies with my dad for me when they thought I wasn’t listening. They think sitting on a chair and talking to a shrink will bring me back, will somehow bring my friend back. I was angry, to everyone, to life in general.

When I refuse to take the stupid sessions, they decided to throw me back to my grandparents. They welcomed me and they tried gauging me to go out the beach or do what I always do with Hae, but it was never the same.

I remember talking to your father…

One night when I was on the dock I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was you father. He sat down beside me on the dock.

“I know your sad, Kyuhyun, but you can’t stop your life as if you’re the one who died.” He said. I stayed quiet; I didn’t want to say anything to him. Of all the people he should be one who should be most upset about the death of… Hae.

“You know I’ve read some of Hae book and I caught something there” He said. “The death of somebody you love is the second worst thing in world” He said and I remember it vaguely.

“I’ve read that” I croaked.

“What’s the worst thing then?” He asked, I didn’t answer though I remember the words clearly. I just let him continue. “Worst thing is letting it hurt you so much that you die too — inside.”

“Losing a friend that is dear and close to you is hard, but losing a son, that your son passed away before you is something unbearable. Burying or cremating your child should be banned; no child should die before their parents.” He said. “But I have let him go, and you should too Kyuhyun. Do you think He wants to see you like this?”

“He’s like a brother to me. It’s like I’ve lost a part of me when he… parted” I said. “I can’t help but wish that I died too”

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” he asked I just stared at him not knowing what his question has to do with Hae. “Your eyes didn’t just look sad — they are completely empty. Your body lives but you are dead inside” He explained.

“Donghae, my son, doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want you to stop living just because he died. He’s dead and you are alive, so live Kyuhyun, live for yourself.”

“He’s not dead” I denied and I was trembling. “He’s not dead. NO!” I shouted at the sea.

Mr. Lee’s arms found me and I suddenly gave up on the embrace and hold on to him. “He’s dead Kyuhyun. He’s dead but not gone. He’s here with us, in our hearts forever” He whispered into my ear.

“He…He… is…Dead” I gulped, and tears stream down my checks, soaking Mr. Lee’s shirt. “Hae is dead” I mumbled and for the first time since Hae’s death I cried, I mourned, I grieved his death.

That night when I was in bed I opened my luggage to find the last letter you wrote to me that I wasn’t able to read. I run my fingers on the paper where you wrote. I tried imagining you, writing it.

Dearest Kyuhyun,

I meant not to write to you before thanksgiving. I meant to reply to your letters slowly. I somehow hoped that you could forget about me, like you will feel that we are drifting apart and somehow you wouldn’t be so sad when you find out about my situation.

I’m sure by the time you are reading this letter; I won’t be able to talk to you or anyone else for that matter. Or maybe I’d be dead by that time. My headaches are becoming more frequent and painful and I knew I’m close. That’s why I’ve decided to write this letter for you before it’s too late for me.

The idea of death scared the hell out of me. Leaving my dad after my mom left us just a few years back, I know he will be crushed. I need you to be strong Kyu, I don’t want you to waste your life because of my death.

Kyuhyun, please don’t waste your time grieving on me. Don’t be sad that I have departed this world. I know I will be happy with my mother. I’m not sure about afterlife but if there’s such a thing, I will be with you, guarding you. I won’t be gone, I’ll try.

I believe in destiny. I believe that meeting you was my fate, so I could go on with my life even though I’m sick, that I could hope that everything will be well. I know you’ll be angry at me for not telling you about my sickness but if I told you nothing will change, you couldn’t do anything about it. You’re not God. I didn’t want you to worry about me; I want you to focus on you, on your dreams. My life will end (or it has already ended) but you are alive, so then live, if not for you, then do it for me, for your family.

You are one of the best things that happened to me. I may not have found a love like my parents shared but your love for me is enough, a friend’s love like yours will be enough to carry on to my death.

We are all going Kyuhyun, it’s just a matter of how and when. I will be waiting for you, when the time is right. I will be there on the other side to welcome you. I love you my best friend.

I regret nothing… that even if I was giving a chance to redo my life all over again, I wouldn’t, especially the times and decisions I made that led me into meeting you.

This will not be goodbye, because I never left and will never leave… as long as you keep me in your heart.

                                                                                                            Donghae ^^~

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It’s like you’re a sand in my hand and the breeze takes you away slowly and whenever I try to grasp you tighter the more that you slip through my fingers. I don’t have any other choice but to let you go.

And just like that, he’s gone.

But never really gone…

The people who love him will always see him.

I see him on my sketches, on the blue sky, on every kite, on the bicycles, on circuses, on the beach, on the sand and sand castles. On every book I see and read, remembering the reason I started reading novels. But most importantly I see him when I close my eyes. I know in my heart that he will never depart me and I also know that he is happy out there. I may not know how “there” would be but I know for sure it is beautiful, like the summers I shared with my best friend Hae.

The End.