I remember walking in the beach again after 2 long years.

Will time run out on us?

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Every other month for two years I would receive another frame from Hae. I have all of them displayed on my dorm room, everywhere you look you can see it. It was different, all of them unique but never lacking in beauty.

Donghae never calls but we write letters to each other. He writes about books he was reading or he have read, he told me about his work on the bookstore and library and I write to him about school and how my social skills have never changed. He’s always interested in what I was doing; he always has questions for me which I answer without fail.

I missed spending time with my best friend and I know he feels the same way. Even though we just spend only summers together and have to part during school, still I have summer to look forward to, here in college I just study and nothing to look forward to but my finals and papers’ due.

In time our letter exchanges became less frequent than usual and I think Hae is busy and I too am busy so sometimes it took weeks to return to him and he did the same. So I made the decision to put everything down this year.

I told Hae, in a letter; that I might be able visit him for a week during thanksgiving. He didn’t write back though. I was worried but then it’s just a few more days and I’ll be there, spending thanksgiving with my grand folks; my parents, sister and baby brother will follow the day after.

Still no letter came and I’m already packed for my journey tomorrow. I slept restless that night, wondering what’s taking him so long to write back.

An hour on the plane and another hour in a car ride with a rental car and I’m walking up to the stairs of my grandparent’s blue beach house.

Grandma and pa welcomed me with a hug. I haven’t even settled down with my luggage or rested or entered the house, I told them that I’ll be going to the beach to meet Hae. I told him in the letter that I’ll be there.

“We got a call. I think you should head to their house instead” Grand pa said and I saw grandma tight-lipped as if she’s trying hard for her lips not to tremble. I didn’t ask anything from them. I didn’t ask why grandma was on the verge of crying. I just had this gut feeling that something is wrong, that I better find out what it was for myself than hear it from them second hand.

I idly wondered if I could make cars fly and I think my rental car is close to flying and every police should be alerted with my hasty driving. But all I could think was GO FAST YOU STUPID CAR!

On the way to their house I think of all the horrible things that could possible happened but nothing prepared me to the scene. When I got to their house I was met by a teenage girl and she told me that she was just looking after the house while no one was in.

I asked for Hae and she told me to go to the county hospital. I vaguely remember the hospital when I toured with Hae and it’s just a few minutes away.

Just like in the movies, I went inside and ask for Hae’s room number and a nurse directed me to a room. When I entered, I saw him lying on bed awake and smiling at me. I was relieved, I felt stupid for thinking of something worst.

“Kyuhyun you’re here!” He shouted and I laughed at his child-like attitude. I missed him. His warm brown eyes round and twinkling with life, on me.

“Of course I would be, I told you in the letter didn’t I?” I sat down on the chair next to his bed and reached for his hand.“What happened?” I ask.

His face wrinkled, he grimaced and answer “Oh just flu. I got dehydrated but fine”

So all is well. All is fine.

But all is not well, all is not fine.

That’s just how I wish things we’re but instead when I burst inside his room, He was lying on bed with all the tubes rammed into him. A machine beside him that regulated his drips, a machine to give him oxygen, and machines that supports his life.

When I burst inside there was no warm smile to welcome me. No one to welcome me but the steady beeps of machine that indicates his heart beat.

It was not flu after all. It was brain cancer just like his mom.

I just stood there dumbfounded, I barely noticed the nurse beside me explaining about Hae briefly. I didn’t care if I was tired, that I had no sleep I stayed there.

No! This can’t be true, this must be some kind of sick joke or prank, you know as a welcome back scare for me. I’m sure Grand ma and pa are in this too, and the hospital too.

But I didn’t talk, I forced myself to be numb.

Then Mr. Lee came and it was all true. I remember when I was in 4^th grade and my dad gave me roller blades and I was riding it on the park and then I slipped and I fell, my back first. I hit the pavement and the impact had knocked air from my lungs, and I lay there struggling to inhale, to exhale, and to do anything but cry.

That’s how I ing felt. The whole impact of the truth full on my chest, it was a mess. Everything in my life now is a mess.

The time when they we’re out of town it was for a CT scan and that time they couldn’t do anything else, the cancer has spread like wildfire in every part. Chemotheraphy and radiotheraphy was the only option and hope and pray to god that they will work, but since this is the real life, where miracle happens once in a blue moon, they never worked.

Hae hid the headaches, the pain, the drastic change in his body from me and he held off the therapies until I went off to college and so I wouldn’t be able to know. He didn’t want me to know, he didn’t want me to worry. He didn’t want to hurt me. He tried to write me letters and send me his gifts until He can’t do it anymore.

I felt a pang of guilt and anger. He’s so stupid. I was guilty that even though his in pain he didn’t want to tell me because he’d know I’ll be in pain too, so he hid it. In those moments he still thought of not dragging me into his pain. I’m angry at him because I’m his friend and friends should stick together no matter what, share everything and look out for them. How am I supposed to look out for him if he doesn’t want me to know until it’s too late?

It’s too late, clearly too late. He is in the constant state of sleep because of strong pain relievers. When he’s awake everything just blackens with pain.

I stayed in the hospital, never leaving, never moving, and holding my friend’s hand. I read to him the Cirque Du Freak, I re-told the story of our first meeting, I reminisce every summer I spent with him. I read the newspaper to him.

One night he groaned and I felt his hand tighten in to mine. “Hae, I’m here, Kyuhyun. You’ll be fine.” I said to him, and I know he heard and understood me because despite all the tubings on his face I know he smiled but then it was followed by a grimace and I knew then that I have to call the nurse to give him his medicine. I know that he knows he can’t be fine, that it will somehow come, Death inevitable.

“You remember how we first met? Let’s build sand castles again” I whispered into his sleep. Meaning for him to hold on, to tell him that I’m here. “Hae, I have the list of things we plan to do. The list we made 2 years ago before I left for college. Do you remember?” I continued but I know he’s floating somewhere, drug induced. Still I hoped the he somehow hears me.

My parents came to visit too but only briefly. I went back home for thanksgiving and ate turkey with them and pretend that everything was alright and that night. My Grand ma was crying, they told me that no one knew about Hae until Officer Lee rushed him in the hospital after a seizure. They we’re all sad but I didn’t shed a tear, I’m numb. They don’t know what or how I feel, He wasn’t their best friend, and it’s not them who spent every summer with Hae. After dinner I came back to Hae.

Mr. Lee was there.

“Aren’t you going to spend your thanks giving with your family?”

“It’s hardly the point, when my friend is lying here”

“You should rest; I’ll cover for the night”

“I want to spend some time with Hae alone if that’s okay”

“Okay” I said but before I go I went near Hae’s bed and said goodbye to him and promised to comeback first thing in the morning. I gave the food that my mother packed for Mr. Lee and he said thanks but did not move to eat.

When I was out of the door and I heard Mr. Lee call me before I was able to close it. He said for me to hold on a sec, so I waited as He stood up and opened the drawer of the side table and produced a white envelope and a box and handed them to me.

“Those were supposed to be mailed before thanksgiving, but Hae never got the chance to mail them” He said.

I held the box and the letter to my chest and said thanks to him and goodnight. I drove back home but didn’t went in. I stayed on the porch opened the box and sure enough that it was one of Hae’s frames, this time the inside contains different kinds and colourful leaves with dried flowers and I could smell the scent it was giving off even though it’s inside the frame.

I set the box aside and opened the envelope, but before I could yank it off the envelope I heard a creak that signals someone opening the door.

I set the letter aside when I saw my grand ma walk over to me and sat down beside me.

“You’re back early”

“Mr. Lee wants to spend this night with Hae”

“He’s going through it again. First his wife and now his son. How is he holding up?”

“I don’t know Gran”

“How about you?”

“I don’t know either. I keep on expecting him to pop out somewhere and join me on whatever I’m planning to do.”

She just sighs and we just stared out the dark beach ahead. We sat there and no sound but our breathing and the slosh of the waves on the shore. I knew then that she’s comforting me and I appreciate it.