“WHAT THE HYESUNG HYUNG!!! DID YOU JUST KISS MY GIRLFRIEND?” A punch landed on my cheek. I can hear Jinnie’s voice. When I look up, Jinnie stand in front of me and Eric stand a few feet from him.

“It’s not like what you see Jinnie-ah…” I said as get up and wiped some blood from my mouth.

“MISUN-AH, LET’S GO! I’ll take you home” Junjin said and ignored his mommy bird.

“Oh my… Jinnie-ah, seriously, please believe me. Misun-ssi, please explain what just happened” I reached Jinnie’s hand but he shoved me.

“Jinnie-yah.. Please listen to me” I pleaded but Jinnie left me with his girlfriend. My knee felt weak and I hold on to the wall before I fall. Without realizing my tears streaming down. I can’t believe my baby bird just gave me a cold shoulder.

“Hyesungie, Is it hurt?” I can felt Eric caress my cheek. I looked up and shook my head. I’m crying not because it hurt. I’m crying because my baby bird believed his girlfriend more than me.

“Let me help you to go inside” Eric said and I just nodded. Eric circling his arm around my waist and walked me to my room.

“Thank you, Eric-ah” I said to him but he didn’t reply.

“You know Hyesungie, you shouldn’t do that” Eric said but weirdly he said that with a hurt face.

“Oh my…” I sighed. I want to explain everything but it seems useless since in their head I’m already wrong.

“Jinnie probably will mad at you for a few days” Eric said.

“You should apologize before it’s too late” He added.

“I won’t” I said shortly. I felt hurt too because Eric didn’t believe me too.

“It’s up to you. I just don’t want this matter affect Shinhwa’s activity” Eric said.

“It won’t” I said calmly but my head screaming loudly. Why all he think just Shinhwa? I know it’s important but in this situation, did he really have to mention Shinhwa?

“I’ll get going now” Eric said and left me.

---

“Misun-ssi. What are you doing here?”

It made me confuse when I found Jinnie’s girlfriend stood up in front of my condo. I mean, we never talk even Jinnie brought her to our playground. What brought her to my condo?

“Hyesung oppa. Can I talk to you for a minute?” She asked. I just stared at her with disapproving look. I don’t think Jinnie will like it.

“Can I come in?” She asked again. I shook my head firmly.

“No, If you want to talk, just say it here” I said and I can see she sighed.

“Well, actually I want to break up with Junjin oppa” She said.

“And? Why you come here? I think you should go to Jinnie instead” I said. I’m not going asked her why she wants to break up with Jinnie because it’s not my business until Jinnie tell me about it. And to be honest, I don’t really like her because I always feel like she watching my every move everytime we met.

“I want to break up with Junjin oppa because of you” She said and looking into my eyes.

“Because of me?” I frowned showing that I kinda confuse with her words.

“Yes, because I never in love Junjin oppa from the start. I accepted him because I want to get closer with you. But you… you never look at me and treat me like I’m not exist” She confessed to me and I can see tears on her eyes.

“You shouldn’t accept him from the start if you don’t like him. Do you know how much he loves you? And you can’t blame me. You never told me that you like me. How am I supposed to know about it? Misun-ssi, sorry about it but I don’t have any interest to dating anyone right now. You can go now. Go talk to Jinnie and don’t come again, because I won’t open my door if you come” I said in a cold tone.

“Hyesung oppa…”

“Don’t you hear what I just said? Go or I’ll call security” I threatened her but looks like she doesn’t care and still stood up in front of me.

“Misun-ssi… Go-” Before I can finished my sentence, she kissed me right on the lips. I tried to push her but strangely she’s so strong. And suddenly I feel a punch landed on my cheek.

I recalled the scenes and caress my cheek where Jinnie punched me. Still can’t believe he ignored me because of that girl. The girl who doesn’t even loves him and just knows him for a few months.

“Hyesungie, why so sulky?” I can hear Dongwan’s voice. When I looked up, I can see he smiled oh-so-brightly at me.

“Hi Wannie” I replied his smile.

“Why you curled like a ball in the corner of practice room with black tee? It scared me, you know” He said cheerfully as sat beside me. I just laugh a little to show that I heard him.

“Geez, you don’t have to laugh if you don’t want, buddy” Dongwan said

“Something happened?” Dongwan asked again and I just shook my head. I don’t want more people know about this matter.

“YEAH SOMETHING HAPPENED. HE KISSED MY GIRLFRIEND AND FELT SO GUILTY TOWARD ME” I heard Jinnie’s voice. Both of us looked up and see Junjin entering the practice room.

“You did that?” Dongwan asked me in disbelief. Before I can answer, Junjin yelled again.

“YEAH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HYUNG? HE DID THAT IN FRONT OF ME”

“Hyesungie… you shouldn’t do-”

“OOH SHUT UP YOU ALL!!” I can’t tolerate with this .

“IT’S MY MOUTH. IT’S UP TO ME” Junjin shouted annoyingly.

“YOU… YOU… WOULD YOU JUST STOP ACCUSING ME WITH SOMETHING I NEVER DID?”

“What to do? But you did that right in front of me” Junjin said with annoying tone that I always hate.

“I’VE TOLD YOU THAT IT’S NOT LIKE IT SEEMS”

“BULL!!! I ONLY BELIEVE OF WHAT I SEE”

“GO ASK YOUR SO-CALLED-GIRLFRIEND WHAT HAPPENED”

“HAHA, WHAT SHE SAID IS SAME LIKE WHAT I THINK”

“YOU JUST KNOW HER FOR A FEW MONTHS AND ME FOR YEARS AND YOU CHOOSE HER?!?!?!”

“YES” hearing that straight from his mouth is really hurt. I don’t know what to say anymore. What I want now just vanish from this world. , why Jinnie choose her. I took a deep breath before I talk again.

“Listen Jinnie, I’ve no interest with that girl. So, I don’t like her” I said calmly.

“SO, WHAT THAT STATEMENT MAKES YOU? YOU’RE A GAY?” He mocked me.

“YES I’M A GAY!!!” I shouted with all my might. I can hear the members’ gaps on my statement.

“You said you only believe of what you see, right?” I asked him and walked rapidly to Eric then kissed his lips. I can felt Eric shocked when my lips touched his. But I don’t care; I just keep kissing him until I run of air.

“YOU BELIEVE ME NOW? YOU GUYS CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT.   EVERYTHING, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!!” with that I left the practice room and going home.

---

Shinhwa probably disband because this matter. Uugh god, why this thing happened when we finally comeback after a long hiatus?

I can hear my phoned beeped for countless times. I don’t have any mood to check it. Probably it fills with members’ kakao or Jiniie’s rage.

That girl is really a . I can’t believe she overturned the fact and put all the blame on me. I palmed my face and let out a big sigh. Jinnie… my very best friend didn’t believe me at all. What spell she used to make Jinnie so blind? I laughed hard.

Suddenly Eric’s hurt face a few days ago hit me… Why he looked so hurt? Is he disappointed with my action? But that’s a hurt expression, not disappoint. I wondering why I go to Eric and kissed him to confirm that I’m a gay. I mean, Dongwan sat beside me, Minwoo and Andy stood not too far from me. Am I really a gay?

It’s not that regretting kissed Eric that day. I just feel bad for not saying anything after kissed him.

---

After that day, I haven’t meet anyone include Taehak and members. I ignored all the calls and texts. But here I am now, standing in front of his condo. I’ve knocked his door for a few times in 10 minutes. But no one answer. I guess I’ll going in and wait him inside.

I pressed his password door and sat on the sofa. His condo looks a little messy not like mine. Maybe a little clean won’t hurt. I started to collect things that scattered on the floor and put it on it place. Then arrange his DVDs CDs and comics in order.

“Hyesungie, what are you doing here?” I heard Eric’s soft voice. I turned my head and found Eric only wrapped in white towel around his waist. My face became hot. I wonder what happened to me. I mean, this scene quite normal for us but why?

“I- I want to talk to you” I answered and quickly put the comics on the rack.

“Then talk” Eric said as sat on his sofa STILL IN TOWEL.

“Why don’t you wear something comfortable first before we talk?” I suggested well in fact I’ll feel uncomfortable if I have to see that scene longer than this.

“Oh… okay then… Wait a minute” He said and went to his room.

“So?” He asked.

“Well…” I kinda confuse how to start this talk.

“Have you apologize to Jinnie?” He asked again.

“I’ve told you that I won’t, right?” I said and he nodded.

“But you should apologize… you hurt him” He said.

“I’m hurt too, you know” I said then we became silent.

“I want to tell you what actually happened that night” I said and started to tell him whole story. He just sat quietly hearing my story.

“Why are you telling me this?” He asked.

“I don’t want you misunderstanding me” I answered.

“You only telling me?” he asked and I nodded.

“You haven’t told Jinnie?” He asked again. I shook my head.

“You should told this to him first before me” He said.

“I’m too hurt to tell it to him” I replied and we became silent again.

“I don’t’ know I should believe you or not” He said. I don’t know how to replied him.

“Should I believe you?” He asked. I really want him to believe at me. At least… at least he should believe that I won’t do something low like that.

“Tell me reason why I should believe you” He said. I sighed. Fixed. He doesn’t believe me.

“Okay, don’t... You don’t have to believe me” I said. I don’t know why. This is way more hurt than when Jinnie said he chose that girl over me. I wanna cry right here, right now.

“I just need one reason. Convince me, Hyesungie. Please… I really want to believe you but I just can’t. Because I see that with my own eyes…” He said with hurt expression. I know we both are hurting right now. I still can’t find reason why he looked so hurt. Looking at his face makes me want to cry more.

“Because I came here. I think that the best reason I could choose. You know exactly I’m never come to ask your help… for anything… all these years… ” I answered. Without realizing my tears burst out. Why am I always crying in front of him? I wiped my tears and stood up. I should go now. It can’t be more embarrassing than this.

“Sorry for spending your time for something useless. I’ll get going now” I walked away. My sob became louder in every step I took. A hand stopped me. I shoved it and keep walking. I don’t know why Eric’s door looks really far than usual. He stopped me again. I turned back and shoved his hand again.

“DON’T STOP ME!” I shouted.

“I don’t want you to do something stupid” He said.

“DON’T WORRY I WON’T SUICIDE. NOW LET ME GO” I shouted again. Seriously, I need to get out of here. I can’t guarantee I can hold my self to not run to him. I really need a shoulder right now. It hurt.

“Pilkyo-ah…” Hearing that I broke. He hit my weak point. He always knows I’ll stop whenever he calls me with my real name.

“Why you did this to me?” I said between my sob.

“I believe in you, Pilkyo-ah” He finally said it and suddenly my vision became blurry then my sight blackened.

I opened my eyes and looked around.

“Where am I?” I asked as rubbed my eyes.

“OMG HE’S AWAKE!!!” I can hear Jinnie’s voice. When I turned my head, he’s holding tight my other hand and sat there.

“What happened, Jinnie?” I asked. Jinnie didn’t say anything just bowed his head. Crying? I don’t know I can’t see him well in this position.

“You fainted after talked to me” Eric said and I remembered.

“What Jinnie doing here?” I asked him again.

“He’s here before you. He come talk to me about this matter then you come. So he stayed in my bedroom while you talk” Eric explained and I nodded.

“I- I’m sorry hyung… I don’t know what should I do now… You can hate me forever… I don’t know why I judged you like that… I deserve to be hate…” Junjin said in his sob. I smiled. I never expect Jinnie will apologize to me. I patted his head.

“It’s okay Jinnie-ah… What you did is pretty normal” I said.

“But hyung…”

“Na ah, it’s fine. But it’s kinda hurt when my baby bird yelling at me” I pouted and Jinnie chuckled.

“It won’t happen again, my mommy bird. I promise” He said as kissed my cheek. I smiled.

“Uuugh stop that lovey-dovey thing between you two” Eric said and we laughed.

“Well, I’m going to go to ending everything with her. By the way, Hyesungie hyung, I kinda speechless when you kissed Eric hyung. Bye~~~~” Jinnie winked before run to the doorway made me blushed hard and the situation awkward.

“I’m-”

“I’m-“

“…”

“…”

“You first”

“You first”

“Okay, I want to thanked you for believing what I said. Now you” I said. He nodded and smiled.

“I wonder… If you really mean your words or you just said it out of your mind” Eric said. I just looked at him blankly.

“About… gay things” He said. I don’t know what to say.

“It’s not like I against it. It’s your preference. You know… I just curious” He said quickly.

“I… I don’t know… I mean… I do still like s and girls but… My heart always beat for a certain man. It’s weird… I know” I said.

“Why did you kiss me? I mean, Dongwannie was beside you and…”

“…”

“Could it be that certain man is someone I know?” He asked. I nodded weakly. I know with this question, he would know my deepest secret.

“Could it be… That certain man is… Me?” he asked. I’m not going answer him. My face already tells everything.

“oh my god, Hyesungie… Is it really true?” He asked. I bowed my head. Not ready to see his face.

“Hyesungie?” He called me. I stay still.

“Hyesungie, Please say yes I beg you” He said. With that I looked up and see his handsome feature in front of my eyes. I nodded weakly.

“Oh god, finally you answer my pray. I’ve been waiting this for 10 years” He said as wiped his tears. Ten years? TEN YEARS? I don’t know If I can survive through it for that long.

“You know how hurt it was when I see you kissed with Jinnie’s girlfriend” He said as caress my cheek.

“Be mine, would you?” He asked me. I just nodded shyly.

“I love you Shin Hyesung. No, Jung Pilkyo” With that he kissed my lips. And I smiled in his kiss.