₃₆ Ch 36 

Red; that’s all my blurred vision was able to see through my boiling anger. I wanted to run out of the house, and confront the bastard for ever laying a finger on my sweet angel, but all my head wanted to do was hurt him. Donghae’s arms were wrapped around my waist as he held me back, I was inches away from the door; I grabbed the door knob. “No Hyukkie!!!! Please don’t!! He’ll hurt you too!!!” He tried to pull me back, but I didn’t budge. I wanted to calm down for Donghae, but my head and heart wouldn’t allow it; though I fought hard against myself to at least control myself a bit.

        “DongHae…let me go. That bastard will pay for what he did!”

        “AMBER!!! HELP ME!!!” Donghae wailed as he held me as tightly as he could. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I needed to get out there. I needed to somehow ease the pain, and the only way out I could see was through hurting the cause of the pain.

        “What’s going on?” I heard Amber ask, but I wasn’t fully focused on my surroundings. I reached for the doorknob once again, but Donghae squeezed me tighter in protest.

        “Help me Amber, he’s gonna kill Uncle HyunBin!!!” Donghae wailed and Amber quickly complied. I was so pissed off how can Donghae’s sister not have killed him already for what he did?!

            “Kill him, why?” that made me snap completely. I pushed them both away from me and glared at them; I didn’t mean to direct my anger at them, but how can she be so calm about this?

        “How can you not kill him after hurting Donghae that way?!” What he did was unforgivable, and I felt my heart beat increase from how frustrated and angry I was. Donghae only stared at me with widened eyes and he quickly shook his head lightly while I stared at him in confusion. Amber looked completely lost and it slowly sunk in. “…You didn’t…tell her?” I couldn’t believe it.

        “Tell me what?” she frowned, but she remained silent. “TELL ME! I deserve to know!” SoHee and Henry stood at the bottom of the stairs, but they didn’t dare approach us.

        “I-Its nothing Amber, r-really” Donghae tried to assure her, and he even gave her a fake smile and small nod. My head spun, and I felt my heart ache by his words. This wasn’t nothing, Donghae.

        “DongHae…don’t lie to her” I spoke softly, too afraid for my voice to give out on me. I pressed my hand on the doorknob and considered my options; I could stay here and allow the bastard to roam around happily, or I could go out there and kill him. If I did go out there and kill him…his siblings would want to know why I was so pissed off, and then Donghae would be forced to tell them why his boyfriend was imprisoned for murder.

            Donghae glanced at my hand on the knob, and then looked back at me, “Please.” He pleaded softly, “Don’t.” He sniffled and I felt torn between all of my emotions. I didn’t want to disappoint Donghae. My hand loosened a bit, but then the bastard yelled once again; fueling my anger once more.

        “DONGHAE!!! YOU CANT IGNORE ME FOREVER!!!!” He yelled and I couldn’t calm myself down anymore. The image of Donghae crying helplessly, after what he had to endure with the sick bastard, flashed into my head and I couldn’t fight my anger anymore. “Hyukki-” He called out for me, but I opened the door and stormed out. I opened the door and stormed out before Donghae could stop me.

        I felt my legs heavy as I approached the monster slowly and stared into his eyes. He smirked lightly and spoke before I could, “Where is Donghae? I need him for something very important.” I tried to ignore the implications behind his words, but I felt sick to my stomach.

            “You make me sick.” I whispered, and his smile only grew even wider. “I’ll make you pay for what you did to him.” My hands balled into tight fists as I took a step towards him, but he took a step back.

            “So he told you?” he sounded amused. “Did he tell you that his body belongs to me-” I threw my fist back and punched him across his cheek; that shut him up for a moment. He was  taken back, but he smiled lightly as he watched me become consumed in anger. I glared into his eyes.

            Amber ran out of the house and stared at us with wide eyes, “What’s going on?”

            He smiled widely, patted his sore cheek a bit and raised a brow, “I take it he didn’t give you all of the details.” He teased while Amber stared at me. “He’s probably just shy.” 

        “I’m his boyfriend.” I said it loudly so he could get it through his thick skull. “And the only person who he’s ever loved is me, so don’t kid yourself into thinking that you ever meant anything to him.” His eyes widened, anger was visible in his pupils, but I could hardly react for what was next. He punched me, hard on the nose, and the impact was strong enough to send me down  to the ground. Red took over my vision once again. I didn’t notice Amber screamed at her uncle for hurting me. I quickly stood on my feet and pushed him down on the ground. My left hand wrapped around his neck  tightly while my other hand formed into a fist and I couldn’t process how many times I punched him. Blood stained my knuckles, but I didn’t care.

            “Stop it!!!” Amber screamed and tried to pull me away from her uncle, but I needed to continue hurting him. My heart palpitated against my chest, I clenched my jaw and glared into the monster’s eyes as I continued to punch him. Then I felt soft hands pull me away from him, and a familiar voice that made me snap out of my anger.

            “Hyukkie, please.” He cried heavily, and the sight made me feel guilty. I never meant to hurt him. I stared at him while he cried softly, and I quickly pulled him into a embrace.

            “I’m sorry.” I whispered in a torn voice. I trembled in Donghae’s arms as I tried to regain my sanity once again. I wasn’t myself tonight. Donghae buried his face in my shoulder and held me tightly.

            Amber held their uncle back as he glared at us. Blood pooled down his nose and mouth as he spoke, “DongHae…do you forget who you belong to? Do I need to remind you?” he threatened. Donghae stared at him, but kept his arms around me so I couldn’t attack him once more; I was tempted to, but I decided against it. I watched his uncle and felt my anger rise once again when the bastard watched Donghae with a creepy stare.

        “What is going on?” Amber frowned and stared at Donghae, “Tell me…”

        Donghae squeezed me and whispered softly, “Calm down.”

        “Why don’t you ask him?” I spoke up, and rested my head on Donghae’s head while I stared at Amber.

        Amber turned to stare at her uncle then she slowly backed away. She must have realized that whatever was wrong was really, really bad. “Uncle…HyunBin...?” He slowly approached us, and stared into Donghae’s eyes with a creepy stare that made me feel uneasy. I shifted Donghae and I so I could be in front of him. Donghae hid behind me but wrapped his arms around my waist in case I decided to tackle him once more. I was pretty satisfied with the damage I had done, but I didn’t mind hurting him once again if he didn’t get away from my Donghae.  

        He stopped in front of me, but only stared at Donghae. “DongHae…You belong to me.” He said it with such ease I felt sick all over again. Amber’s eyes widened with his words and I tensed up as I glared at the sick bastard. Donghae tried to pull me back, but he couldn’t; my hands turned to fists.

        “Donghae, belongs to no one.” I glared at him, but his smile showed me that he was pretty amused.  

        “Really? That’s funny…DongHae didn’t protest before…in fact he seemed to rather enjoy belonging to me.” I clenched my jaw, and my vision blurred out for a split second when my anger took over once again. Everything became hazy, I sent a hard punch into his cheek that knocked him down  to the ground, but he stood and tackled me to the floor. Everything became blurry, I wasn’t sure what was happening other, but I felt each impact of his fist on my face. I punched him as hard as I could; Donghae’s screams drowned in the background.

            He was pulled away from me, and Donghae quickly kneeled beside me. His eyes were blood shot red from how heavy he was crying, and the guilt I felt increased drastically. “Hyukkie.” He sniffled lightly, and helped me stand up from the ground. My knuckles were bloody but I ignored the sting I felt, and cupped my baby’s soft cheeks, and stared into his eyes, “You ok?” I asked in a gently voice. He cracked a sweet smile, and slowly nodded. “I’m sorry.” I whispered lightly. I couldn’t stand watching him cry, but he didn’t respond to my apology. Instead, he shook his head and pulled me into his house.

“Amber, come on!” He called for her and she approached us while her uncle writhed on the ground. My guess was that she kicked him really hard in his crotch area. Too bad I missed it.

            Donghae helped me sit on the couch while Amber locked the Donghae, “DongHae, I called the police…so I think I should make sure he stays outside…”

        “No! I don’t want you to get hurt” Donghae protested.

        “I wont, promise” She said before she walked out.

        “Let me clean you off, k?” He said with a sweet smile and I couldn’t help but have flashbacks to the multiple times he’s been my doctor. He always cleans me up when I’m hurt.

        I smiled weakly, “Don’t you always” I managed to tease. He smiled and helped me up to his room. He sat me down on his bed while he went off to get his supplies. Our puppy approached me with sad puppy dog eyes when I whimpered in pain. I smiled slightly,  lifted her onto my lap and she gently my fingers. Donghae came back inside with a bowl of water, cloth and some bandages and rubbing alcohol. He smiled when he saw our puppy on my lap.

        I leaned my head against the headboard to his bed and watched Donghae as he cleaned the wounds around my knuckles. The blood stained the clothes he’d use to clean the wounds on my face. “I love you.” I whispered and Donghae looked at me for a moment, and smiled sweetly. I leaned closer to him and continued, “Don’t ever doubt that, ok?” I smiled weakly, “Nothing that happened changes my feelings…well…I do really wish I could kill your Uncle, but that wont fix anything…” I’d only go to jail, and have to suffer from being away from him, but then that feeling, that lump in my throat that didn’t go away since the moment Donghae finally told me his past, left me uneasy once again. My heart ached for him.

“I’m glad you realize it” Donghae responded; he sounded so relieved that I was calmed down.

        Tears filled my eyes, “I’m still having trouble…” I whispered. “I just can’t imagine it Donghae…because it hurts to.” I shook slowly, shut my eyes tightly and tried to force the painful image away. 

        Donghae wrapped bandages around my bruised knuckles and sat beside me. He wrapped his arms around me to calm me down, and it worked a bit, “Don’t imagine it then.” He rested his head on m y cheek and I stared off into space. I tried to keep my head clear, but Donghae’s lyrics played over and over in my head.

        He rubbed my back and shook his head, “I didn’t want you to know.” He said sadly.

        I shook my head and whispered. “I’m glad I know. I wont let him hurt you Donghae, ever again.” I won’t let anyone ever hurt you. I forced a smile for him, but then I remembered his sister was out there with him. “Aren’t you afraid he’ll hurt Amber?”

        “Amber scares him,” He said simply and then Amber walked inside and sat on Donghae’s bed with no expression.

        “He left.” She sighed. “The police came and I told them everything that was happening and I even gave them a picture, but…he ran off before they arrived.”

        “He couldn’t have gone far.” I said.

        “I don’t think so either, but I have to ask now…what is going on DongHae?” She frowned, “I have a guess…but I really hope I am wrong.” I wish you were wrong too. I felt a knot in my stomach when Donghae wrapped his arms around me and held me  tightly before he began.

        “When Uncle Hyunbin used to live with us…he’d sneak into my room a-and force me to do things.” He choked out and I chewed on my lower lip, squeezed my eyes shut but the images would haunt me. Donghae rubbed my back and I buried my head in his neck and tried to force the images away, but it was useless. They haunted me.

        “DongHae…please…tell me what he would do” Amber pleaded.

        “No…Amber, you’ll kill him.” Donghae protested.

        “Please Donghae…tell me” she begged.

        Donghae was silent for a moment, but then he spoke, “He would touch me Amber…he would tell me that he cared for me and he was only checking to see if I was healthy, but he wouldn’t stop touching me. It was confusing at first but then really scary when he began to try to force me to touch him.” His voice gave out on him, and he started to cry softly. My heart clenched and I felt even worse than before.       

“Go on…”

        I held him gently in my arms while he cried softly and he continued to explain what would happen years ago in this room. I felt sick, and my heart couldn’t take every detail he told us. I cried in his arms, and Donghae rubbed my back while I stained his shirt.

        “I’ll kill him.” Amber hissed through her tears.

        “That wont fix anything” He whispered and he hugged me tightly in his embrace to calm me down. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything hurt like hell, and I really didn’t think I get through this pain. I just wanted to know why something so horrible could happen to someone as sweet as Donghae. I held Donghae tightly in my embrace and didn’t know what else to say other than apologize for life being so cruel to him.

       “I’m sorry” I whispered repetitively.

        He shook his head and pecked my ear, “It’s ok Hyukkie…it’s in the past” He grabbed his sketchbook and placed it on my lap. I lifted my head and stared at it for a moment.

       “I’m afraid if I read this…I’ll be tempted to do something stupid.” I admitted and Donghae gently wiped away my tears. I lifted it to my eye level and slowly began to read every word in my head. Donghae sat behind me and backhugged me tightly while I drowned in every word written in the passage.

 “Today. I learned about something that has completely destroyed me; my heart is breaking at the knowledge that I wish I never would have learned.

          All those nights when Uncle HyunBin offered to care for me while my parents were out were filled with lies.

          All those lies he’d tell me when he’d slip his hands in my pajama pants.

          I never understood what he was doing, but something in me told me it was bad-so I cried all those years without knowing how much pain he was really causing me.

          Now that I know, I wish that I could just run off somewhere far away. So far that everything that happened becomes irrelevant. I wish a car would just come by and run me over, knocking away the memory of how he killed me.

          Or maybe death is a better outcome.

          I’ve never cried so hard in my life, but that’s the thing…I feel so hurt. I don’t want to live anymore. What did I do to deserve this?

          Uncle HyunBin, I hate you like I’ve never thought I could hate someone. You ruined me. I wish you the worst uncle, I wish you the worst. I even wrote you a song...I wrote it while Hyukjae was playing his piano. I hope you like it. 

2am where do I begin?

Crying off my face again

The silent sound of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed

I’m a ghost of a boy

I’m a shell of a boy I used to know well

            By this point, my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I set the sketchbook down and tried to calm myself down for a moment. Donghae held me tightly and I cried silently from how deeply the passage affected me. I braced myself for the rest, took a deep breath and lifted the sketchbook and continued to read through the heart wrenching passage:

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in

to take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside

For the pain of one more loveless night

For the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me till I fall asleep

I’m a ghost of a boy

I’m a shell of a boy I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in

to take my heart again

Broken pieces of a barely breathing story

Where there once was love

Now there’s only me

And the lonely

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in

to take my heart again

            I flipped through the next passage and breathed deeply as I read it in my head.

          “I never thought I could be so selfish. There I was, complaining about how much Bin hurt me when I should be grateful.

          I was watching SoHee and Henry play around the woods today, and that’s when I realized how lucky I was that HyunBin didn’t lay a finger on them. I love them so much. They are everything to me.

          All the hate that has consumed me is washed away when they smile at me because I’ve always lived for them, so why should now be any different?

          I won’t let him change me.

          I’ll be the bigger person and continue to smile each day like nothing ever happened just for my siblings. I don’t want that hate that I felt to be show. What would they think of me? I want them to grow up as loving/forgiving people. It still hurts though, I really hope that the pain goes away eventually.

          Time heals all wounds right?

          Today, while I was in my room I couldn’t help but cry again. I was sitting against the window when I heard Hyukjae playing his piano again. His playing always makes me feel better, so I smiled and somehow found the strength in his song.

          Each day, I love him more and more.

          Even if he doesn’t notice me

          Even if he doesn’t know my existence

          He’s helped me so much through these years just by simply playing his piano.

          Oh and Uncle HyunBin, I don’t wish you the worst, in fact I wish you the best. You must be really messed up for what you did, so please, get help.”

        I broke down. I was far too weak for this. I loved Donghae far too much to imagine him in so much pain. Donghae pecked my cheek lightly, “it’s ok, Hyukkie” He repeated softly while I cried silently. I set the sketchbook down and felt so many feelings all at once that I wasn’t sure which one was the strongest; no, I knew, pain was the strongest. It hurt like hell to know that I pushed Donghae away when he clearly loved me so purely. My eyes widened when I realized something, something that only made me feel worse; I craved for Donghae’s warmth. I palmed my mouth and tried to keep myself calm in front of Donghae, but on the inside I no longer felt pissed off with only Hae’s uncle, but with myself too. I was so cruel. How could I kiss Donghae with so much need when he’s probably too afraid of intimacy.

            Donghae fell asleep in my arms, and Amber went off to her room. She seemed like a complete mess as well. I smiled at Donghae’s sleeping figure, and stealthy escaped his tight grasp. I stood up from the bed and somehow made my way out of his house, but everything felt like a complete haze. I was lost in my mind. Lost completely; I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep without having nightmares so I didn’t bother to try. I stumbled into my house, and slowly made my way up to my room.

            SungMin stood outside his room, and he watched me with wide eyes, “H-Hyukjae.” He began but I walked past him, completely hollow, and weak with my emotions. I fell on my bed, clutched onto my sheets and my heart sunk when I thought back to the way I would kiss Donghae; I felt disgusted with myself. I could have hurt him too. I would never forgive myself if I ever hurt Donghae.

            I cried into my pillows and tried to force everything away, but it came coming back harshly. Images that I wish would go away planted into my mind, and Donghae’s words from his passage repeated itself over and over again in my head. He was strong enough to get through it on his own, but I could have been there for him. I was always there and I never even noticed. I squeezed my eyes tightly and pulled the pillows over my head, but just then Heechul and KyuHyun walked into my room. I felt them sit down on my bed, but I didn’t look at them. I couldn’t.

            “SungMin called.” Heechul explained.

            “He’s really worried…” KyuHyun went on and I only continued to cry. They waited a moment then patted my back for comfort while I cried like a torn child. I trembled lightly and finally looked at them with my red, sore eyes.

            “Hyukjae…tell us what’s going on? Did Donghae break up with you?” he frowned because he didn’t think that would ever happen. I shook my head and he exhaled in relief but then glanced at KyuHyun with a confused expression, “Then what?”

            I remained silent for a moment, but I really needed someone’s help. I was a complete mess, and I had no idea what I had to do after this point so I confided in  them because I trusted them more than anything, “Donghae t-told me something today.” I sat up and looked down at my feet instead of their eyes. I closed my eyes and opened them before I whispered, “He told me how he was …as a kid…by his uncle.” My voice gave out on me and they didn’t hesitate to wrap their arms around me to console me. I cried harder, broke down completely in their arms and continued to mumble out words that told them how disgusted I was with myself for ever even thinking about Donghae in  that way after what he had gone through. I cried harder in Heechul’s shoulder and they both rubbed my back until I calmed down a bit.

            I lifted my head, wiped my burning eyes and tried to control my breathing. Heechul placed his hand on my shoulder and shook his head, “Stop. Don’t blame yourself for anything Hyukjae. You had no idea what Donghae had gone through and even then you can’t blame yourself for wanting…intimacy. You love him after all, you don’t mean any harm.” He said softly and I could only stare at him while I quivered in place.

            KyuHyun remained silent for a few moments and  then whispered, “I really wish there was something I could say to make this all go away, but you have to be strong, Hyukjae. Not just for yourself, but for Donghae too.” He paused and  then glanced at Heechul, “Why don’t you consider seeing a psychologist?”

            Heechul glanced at him and then stared at me. He nodded, “That could really help.” He nodded once again and I thought about it for a moment and then looked down at my bandaged hands.

            “If it will benefit Donghae…I’d do anything.” I stared at them and smiled weakly. “I don’t think I can sleep tonight.”

            “Then we’ll stay up with you.” KyuHyun offered with a smile.

            “Thank you.” I choked up again and they only pulled me into another hug. “What would I do without you guys?” I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down for a moment while they held me tightly. We didn’t end up sleeping that night, and before Donghae woke up I snuck back into his house and decided to do something for him.

            I looked around and grabbed everything I needed to make him pancakes.  

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