10. Luhan
Four Seasons
"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop"
“I just don’t understand.”
Luhan’s lower lip quivered as he spoke, burying his tear stained face into the palms of his hands while Xiumin was rendered speechless at the scene before him. Xiumin has never seen the younger like this before. Luhan is calm, intelligent, and strong, and above all, Luhan has great control over his emotions. When Luhan called him out to grab some drinks, he wasn’t expecting to see Luhan leaned over the bar with bottles of beer and shot glasses surrounding him.
“Ge, I don’t get it. Do you? If you do, can you please enlighten me and tell me what I did wrong? Why did things turn out this way? Ge, can you tell me?” Muffled words left Luhan’s lips before he gathered the strength to look up at Xiumin, his eyes practically begging the elder to help him.
“Please?”
“Lu, I-I…”
“No nevermind, forget it. I’m sorry, we shouldn’t be sitting here, let’s go dance or something. G-”
“Luhan stop it. I don’t need to be anywhere else but here with you right now. I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been in this situation before but I’ll listen okay? I know you have a lot bottled up right now.”
Alcohol is never the answer but the two friends had no other answer in front of right now and Luhan needs some encouragement before he can really pour out his feelings. Xiumin placed his right hand over Luhan’s shoulder and patted lightly before lifting his left hand to get the bartender's attention.
“Two gin tonics please.”
“I gave her my all, she took my heart a-and and she just, she broke it okay? She broke me. I’m torn ge, everything hurts. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to talk, it hurts to move, it hurts to wake up every day knowing she isn’t mine anymore. I mean, how am I supposed to face her when she’s doing fine and moving on, living her own life while I’m sitting here, drinking my sorrows away?”
Xiumin nodded, giving Luhan a weak smile as the blonde continued to rant.
“I mean, thirteen years isn’t a short time you know? We were best friends since the first day she moved to Beijing and from the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew, I just knew that she’d be the one. Having her hug me and pull on my arms, dragging me around and being called her best friend literally took me to heaven then back to hell every single day from when I was ten till we started dating. Do you know how hard it was for me to muster up the courage to ask her out? Heck, I was fifteen and nervous as . But do you also know how happy I felt when she said yes? The smile that remained on my face for eight years until last night? Probably not hey?”
Xiumin shook his head this time as Luhan spoke again.
“I remember the first time I held her hands, the first time I hugged her as her boyfriend and not her best friend, the first time we kissed, our first dance together, everything ge, she was my first everything and now she’s leaving me because she seems to have mistaken her care and brotherly love for me. A mistake? She thinks that everything we had together was a mistake. You don’t go telling your boyfriend of eight years that you had mistaken the love you had for him. You can’t just... You just can’t okay? You don’t go making out with your brother! She must have loved me as a man at one point right?” Luhan tugged at his hair in frustrated before waving his hands to get the attention of the bartender again.
“Vodka.”
“Woah, Luhan I think you should slow down a little, that’s you-”
“I really need that ing drink right now ge.”
Xiumin sighed but didn’t press Luhan further, it’s just this one time. He’ll take care of Luhan if the younger really does go over his usual limit.
The bartender returned with Luhan’s shot, not even the slightest bit surprised when Luhan took it without a chase. Xiumin shuttered as Luhan left his lemon wedge untouched, how does he do that?
“As I was saying, you don’t go making out with your brother! She was with me for eight years, we made so many amazing memories together. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Luhan reached into his pant pocket and pulled out a pair of promise rings. Xiumin sighed as he watched Luhan stare at the rings with a pained expression; Xiumin can almost feel Luhan’s hurt from the expression on his face.
“It isn’t much but it’s all a poor college student like me can afford.” Luhan then proceeded to chuckle before shoving the rings back into his pocket. “But here I am, wasting my money on alcohol.”
Xiumin was about to speak but held his tongue, Luhan doesn’t have to know about the tab being under Xiumin’s name.
“Do you think she would have liked them though ge?”
“Huh?”
“The rings, do you think she would have liked them?”
“Yes, they’re wonderful Luhan, she would have loved them. Any girl would be lucky to have a man like you Lu.”
“Too bad the only one I need is the one who doesn’t want me.”
“You’ll find someone better for you Lu, I know you will.”
“I barely scraped by for months to get those.” Luhan completely ignored what Xiumin said and took the rings out again. “I even have our initials and the first day we met engraved on them.”
Xiumin didn’t know what to say at this point, he knew whatever advice he planned to give Luhan would go unnoticed and decided to just keep quiet and listen to his friend.
“I was hoping the promise rings would bring our relationship to another level but I never even got the chance. I was hoping I’d see her beautiful bright smile as I put this on for her. The same smile she wore when I got her that giant teddy bear, or the same smile she had the first time I told her I loved her. We were so happy. I don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again. Luhan stopped speaking and took in a couple of deep breaths before continuing. “Do you think that... maybe... just maybe she found someone else? She can’t just suddenly realize that she doesn’t love me in that way right?”
“I-”
“Wait no, please don’t answer that. I don’t even want to know.”
“Okay...” Xiumin doesn’t know what it’s like to have someone you love leave you, but Luhan sure the hell looks like he’s in excruciating pain right now. Luhan is a complete mess and Xiumin could only pray that time will heal this pain.
“If she found someone else though, I hope they live a happy life together. I hope he knows that she has a soft spot for white puppies, a sweet tooth for chocolate chip cookies and a love for Lilacs. I hope he knows that she’s afraid of the dark, hates public speaking and freezes the moment she comes close to a bug. I hope he knows that she likes watching Disney movies and cries at the ending of every single sad movie known to man. I hope he knows that she wishes to see the cherry blossoms one day. I hope he knows that on top of her beauty, she has a big heart and amazing personality too. I don’t think I’ve met a girl stronger than her before ge. Did you know that she wanted to volunteer and travel to third world countries? She wanted to build schools then teach there as well. I hope he goes with her. She shouldn’t go on her own, it’s dangerous out there.”
Xiumin felt his heart crack for the younger, despite his previous rant for her leaving him, Luhan still has the heart to wish her the best. Xiumin stretches up momentarily and catches a familiar figure passing by. She looks just like Yueyin...
“Lu, I thin-” Xiumin stopped himself from finishing his sentence when he see’s Yueyin staring straight at him, her left hand over to cover her cries and right hand waving frantically at him to not let Luhan know she’s there. Xiumin is at a complete loss of what to do. Why is Yueyin here and why is she crying? What’s going on? Now that Xiumin really thinks about it, it doesn’t make sense for her to suddenly leave Luhan. Xiumin himself is no expert in the love department but he's seen the way the two of them looked at each other... Xiumin looks over at his broken friend and decided that he’ll have to apologize to Yueyin another time.
“Lu, I think I see Yueyin.” Luhan turns and faces the direction that Xiumin is looking at and gasps.
“Y-yueyin.” Luhan practically jumps off of his chair and sprints towards the petite female, the tears streaming down her face breaking his heart all over again.
Yueyin turns around and tries to run but doesn’t stand a chance next to the sprinting Luhan. Luhan grabs her arm and pulls her into a hug.
“Let go of me Luhan, I don’t love you anymore, don’t you get it?”
“No, I’m not letting you go. If you don’t love me anymore what are you doing here? Why are you crying?”
Yueyin didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t think of an excuse but she doesn’t want Luhan knowing the truth either.
“I-I”
“Yueyin, please give me another chance. I know that somewhere in there you love me the same way I love you. All this time we spent together couldn’t have meant nothing to you.”
Yueyin didn’t even have the time to reply before Luhan crashed his lips against hers, hugging her body close to his as she slowly returned the kiss. When the two finally pulled apart Luhan looked down at the love of his life and wiped the tears from her face.
“You do love me. Yueyin, why did you say those things to me last night if you love me?”
A new batch of tears left Yueyin’s eyes as she bit her lips and shook her head. She tried her best to compose herself, she wanted to push Luhan away, she wanted to tell him to leave, but she couldn’t do it. She simply couldn’t. The things she said to him last night had taken up all of her strength. Every single word that left her lips tore her in two but she has no choice, she has to do this for Luhan. The two of them can’t have a future together, it’ll be better for Luhan this way.
“Yueyin...” Yueyin looked up at the soft gaze Luhan held on her one last time before pushing herself away from his hug.
“We can’t be together Lu, just leave me a lone and don’t make things any harder for yourself okay?” Yueyin clenched her hands into two tight fists to keep herself together, she can’t break down just yet.
“Bu-”
“I don’t love you Luhan! Don’t you get it?!”
“No, I don’t get it Yueyin! Why did you return that kiss? I know you love me, is something wrong? Please just tell me, anything is better than this.” Luhan grabbed Yueyin’s hand and placed it over his chest. “Babe, do you feel that? My heart beats for you.” Yueyin bit her lips as more tears threatened to spill from her eyes.
“And mine doesn’t Lu, I’m sorry.” Yueyin tried to pull her hand away but Luhan’s grip was strong.
“Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself! Why the hell are you crying if you don’t love me as well? You’re hurting too aren’t you?”
“Lu, just because I don’t love you in that way doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you. I’m sure you’d cry if you knew you were inflicting pain upon someone you cared about. Now let go.”
“No, I’m not letting go. I’m not letting go until you tell me the truth Yueyin.” Frustrated tears poured from Yueyin’s eyes, she couldn’t do this anymore.
“The truth? You want to know the truth? I’m sick Lu, we have no future together!” Luhan felt his head spin at the words that left Yueyin’s lips.
“Wh-”
“I have SMA. Lu, we can’t have a normal life and family together. You’ll be stuck with someone who’ll lose her motor functions, I’ll need medication, I’ll lose control over my muscles, I’ll have trouble eating, breathing, you’ll have to take care of me and I don’t want that! I don’t want you ruining your life for someone like me. You have a bright future ahead of you Lu, work hard and make your dreams come true. You’ll be the greatest journalist out there and I know so. Can you please just let go of my wrist now? I-I just want to go home.”
Yueyin couldn’t help but feel a small pang of pain in her heart when Luhan’s grip loosened, a smaller and more selfish part of her was hoping he’d put up a bigger fight. But, this is for the best, why would Luhan want to spend his life with someone like her? Yueyin turned around and was about to leave when Luhan wrapped his arms around her from behind.
“Please don’t go, I don’t think I can last another second without you by my side. The past 18 hours have been the most difficult moments of my life. It physically pains me to not be with you, don’t you understand that? Yueyin, I don’t care if I have to take care of you for the rest of our lives, we’ll fight this together. What kind of a man would let the love of his life go and face the world on her own when she needs someone by her side? We don’t have to have a normal life and family together, I’m content knowing that I can spend my life with you. Yueyin, I mean it when I say I love you.” Turning Yueyin around, Luhan got onto one knee and pulled out the two promise rings.
“I know these aren’t much, and they were originally a promise ring between the two of us, but I think… I think this is the right time to do this. Yueyin, will you marry me?”
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