“I don’t want to be with you anymore!”

            “What?  Why?”

            “Because I don’t have feelings for you anymore…”  I regretted having to break up with Eli, but I had to.  If I didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to fully accomplish his dream.  I couldn’t burden him with what I was keeping from him.

            I put Eli’s ring down on his dresser and left his room, going downstairs.

            Kevin tried to stop me.  “Lizzie, what’s wrong?”

            “Leave me alone Kevin.  Please, just leave me alone.”  I was crying a little already.  I needed to get out of there.  I got in my car and went to the one person who’d always been comforting when the time for comfort was needed.

            I knocked on his door, hoping he was still home.

            Hyukkie opened it.  “L-Lizzie, what’s wrong?  Why are you crying?”  He brought me into the eleventh floor apartment and took me to one of the sofas, holding me close protectively.  “Sweetheart, calm down.  You’ll make yourself sick.”

            “I broke up with him, Hyukkie.  I actually did it.”  I sniffled and let him wipe my eyes gently with a tissue.

            “Why did you?”

            I looked down.  “I’m carrying his child, Hyukkie...”

            “Oh Li,” he pulled my chin up.  Hyuk frowned and kissed my forehead.

            I leaned against him and sniffled, letting him rock me back and forth like a small child while I continued to cry out all the pain I was causing myself and Eli.

            “It’ll be alright, Hyukjae’s here.”

            I started to become drowsy with him rocking me gently.  “Hyukkie…”

            “Shh, just relax.”  He stood up and took me into his bedroom, lying me down on the bed.  Eunhyuk slid my shoes off and sat beside me as I started to finally fall asleep.  Hyukkie kissed my cheek.  “I’ll be here for you Li.  That I promise you now.”

            When I woke up, it was finally night time.  I felt really nauseous and took slow, deep breaths to calm myself.

            My best friend walked in.  “Hey, you’re awake.”  He smiled and sat beside me, touching my forehead.  “Feel alright?”

            “The first signs of the little miracle being present.”

            “Baby sickness?”

            “How’d you know?”

            He smiled sympathetically.  “You lose all your color when you get nauseous.”

            I pouted and laid back down on his bed.  “You know, sometimes I ask myself why I always come to you.”

            “Because if you went to your other best friends, you’d run the chance of Eli finding out about this,” he rubbed my belly.

            I sighed and looked away from his eyes.  “Hyukkie, I don’t want anyone to know the baby’s his.  I’m going to tell Kevin and Kiseoppie though.  They can keep secrets.”

            “I wouldn’t mind telling the guys that you and I are together.  They will notice your growing belly in a few months anyways.”

            I laid my hand on his.  “I kind of want to ask you about that.”

            He squeezed my hand softly.  “I’ll tell them that the baby is mine.  You don’t have to worry.”

            I sat up and hugged him.  “I couldn’t ask for a better best friend than you, Lee Hyukjae.”

            “Thanks Lizzie.”  He kissed my cheek.  “Are you hungry?”

            I nodded.

            He stood up.  “Let’s go out to eat.  It’ll be fun.”

            I was unsure.  “Really?”

            “I’ll ask Hae to come with us.”

            “My Sungminnie oppa, too?”

            He smiled.  “Sure, I’ll ask him.”

            I got out my makeup brush and took to cap off, fixing my makeup to cover the dark circles under my eyes.  I applied a light colored lipgloss and stood up, holding my best friend’s hand so he could ask his friends if they’d come to dinner with us.

            Hyukkie, Donghae, Sungmin, and I rode in my car to a restaurant fairly close to the dorm.

            I knew of the place.  It was the first restaurant Eli had taken me to when we arrived in Korea.  I smiled as the memory came to mind.

            Hyukkie squeezed my hand lightly.  “What is it?”

            “Nothing, I was just thinking about something.”  I took a sip of my drink.  I glanced at my phone when it rang.  “Hello?”

            “Talk to me.  What’s happened?”

            “Be at my place at nine thirty.  I’ll tell you everything then.”

            “Are you ok?  Did Eli hyung hurt you, Lizzie?”

            “Wait till I can tell you Kevin.  You’ll understand.  Can you not bring Kiseop this time?  I know he’s my best friend, too, but I want to tell you what I have to say first in private.”

            “I’ll see you in a couple hours then.”

            “Bye Kivvy.  I love you.”

            “I love you, too.”

            I put my phone in my purse and had fun with my friends.  I dropped the guys off at the dorm and drove to my house so I could relax before Kevin came over.  I curled up on the couch in my living room with a giant stuffed panda bear Eli had gotten me for my twentieth birthday.  I’d always joked around that it was our “baby” because he’d bought it when we were in America, but pandas are Asian and so is he.

            “You think Eli misses you?”  I sighed and held it in my left arm while I rubbed my belly softly.  “Am I ever going to tell Daddy about you, little one?  If I do, how will I?”  I sighed and went into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of banana milk.  I smiled at a picture of Eli that I’d taken while he was sleeping.  I went back to the living room and drank the milk while I watched The Ramen Girl.

            There was a knock on the door when I was switching dvds so I could watch Tuck Everlasting next.  I pressed the open/close and off button on the dvd player.  I turned the tv off, too, and walked to the door, opening it.

            “Hey Lizzie.”  Kevin hugged me and placed the overnight bag he always brought over when he’d spend the night at my house on the floor beside the closet in the foyer.

            “Let’s go in the living room.”  I curled up on the couch with the panda bear and my white with gold flecks and black blanket my aunt had crocheted for me.

            Kevin sat on the other side of me.  “So, what happened?”

            I sighed.  “Kivvy, I’m pregnant.”

            His eyes grew wide.  “You…it’s Eli’s?”

            “Of course it’s Eli’s.”

            “Lizzie, you know Eli would love to be a father.  Especially if you’re the mother,” Kevin set his hand on mine.

            “Yeah, I know.”

            “Why’d you leave, then?”

            “Kevin, you guys are idols.  How do you think people would look at me if they knew?”

            “Laura, he wouldn’t care.  Eli loves you.”

            Tears had already formed in my eyes.  “I feel like I’d only be a burden to him with this baby, Kevin.”

            He pulled the panda out of my arms and pulled me close, rubbing my back softly.  “You could never be that to him.  He thinks the world of you, Li.  You know that.”

            “My decision is my own Kevin.”

            “It shouldn’t be though.  The baby’s half his, too.”  He dried my tears.

            I laid my head against his shoulder.  “For now, Hyuk said that he’ll tell people that he’s the baby’s father.   At least when I start to show.”

            “I think you need to tell Eli, Lizzie.  He deserves to know about the baby.”

            “I will tell him Kevin.  Not yet though.  I really need to think about this.”

            “Promise me you’ll tell him.  Before you have the baby or very soon after,” he held out his pinky.

            I wrapped mine with his and pressed my thumb to his.  “I need to give him something anyways.”  I stretched and yawned.  “But right now, I need to sleep.”  I got out of Kevin’s lap and wrapped my blanket around me, taking my panda from Kevin.  “Thanks Kivvy.”

            He smiled and stood, tousling my hair gently.  “Anytime Lizzie.”

            “Let’s go sleep.”

            Kevin and I slept in my big king sized bed, snuggled comfortably under the covers.

            I woke up and got sick.  Thankfully, Kevin had already left.  I rinsed my mouth out and went downstairs.  I smelled coffee from the kitchen and walked in.  “Hyukkie, I hate you.”

            “I’m sorry.”  He kissed my forehead.  “I got you your favorite drink, though.  Do you love me?”

            I tasted the drink.  “Did they add cinnamon to it?”

            “Yeah, they did.”

            “It tastes so much better now.”  I kissed his cheek.  “I love you Hyukkie.”

            He smiled.  “Love you, too.”

            I sat down at the table and looked up at my best friend outside of U-Kiss.  “I told Kevin what happened.  He’s not gonna tell Eli, but he made me promise that I have to tell Eli before I have the baby or soon after.”

            “As in how soon after?”

            “I think he meant soon after as in I’ll still be in the hospital.”

            “When are you planning on telling him, then?”

            I let out a breath.  “Whenever I feel that I can actually see him without breaking down immediately, I’ll tell Eli.”  I thought of the necklace I’d bought for him.  I bought a pair of them for us, but I got a second one to wear instead of Eli’s compliment.

            “You got sick, didn’t you?”

            “Did you hear?”

            “No, but you haven’t fully gained your color back.  You look sick.”

            I looked at him.  “It’s a small price to pay, Hyukkie.”  I laid my hand over my belly.

            Hyuk got a vitamin for me and set it in my palm.  “Take your medicine.”

            I took the pill.  “Happy now?”

            He caressed my face.  “Much more.  Besides the sickness, how are you feeling?”

            “Ok.  My hormones are all wacky and stuff, but it’s alright.”

            “Are you busy today?”

            “I’ve gotta stay home and do some things.”

            “Free tonight then?”

            “I’m still going with you Hyukkie.  I haven’t forgotten.  I just won’t drink.”

            “If you so much as touch a glass, I’m telling my mother to make Gosam tea and making you drink a glass every morning for the next two weeks.”

            “I only will touch a glass if you start getting too drunk.”

            “I’ll drink one beer.  Only one,” he promised.

            I smiled.  “Ok.”

            He kissed my forehead.  “Need help with anything here?”

            I shook my head.  “No thanks.  Call me to let me know when I should get ready tonight, please.”  I hugged him.

            Hyuk hugged me back.  “I will Li.”

            “Thanks Hyukkie.”  I walked him to the door before going to the kitchen again.  There was a bag on the counter with a note stuck on it.

            You need to eat and keep the baby healthy.  Eat all of it, at least for me.  I love you best friend – Hyukjae <3  P.S. Go easy on the banana milk.  You’ll make yourself sick if you drink too much of it.

            I smiled and ate the little slice of banana bread Hyuk had gotten for me.  I went to clean the house and took a nap after I was finished.

            “And though I’ve gone away, I still see what you’re going through.  It kills me everyday, to know I’ve killed what meant most to you.  So when you pass my grave, leave a rose for what might have been.  But know that it’s ok, to shed your fears and find love again…”

            I picked up my phone when I heard Briane start playing.  “Hello?”

            “Time to get ready!  Did you eat your breakfast?”

            “Yes Eomma.”  I giggled and went to my bedroom.

            “I’ll be there in an hour.  Love you!”

            I smiled.  “Love you, too, Hyuk.”  I set my phone down and got ready so I could go out to the club with Hyukkie.

            I waited downstairs after putting on a slightly tight fitting black knee length dress.

            Hyukkie and I went to the club near my house.

            I sighed as Hyuk drove past the U-Kiss dorm and leaned back in my seat.

            “You ok?”

            “I’m fine, Hyuk.”  I got out of the car and walked with him to the entrance.  I stayed close to him as we walked inside and went to the bar.  “One beer,” I reminded him.

            “No touching my glass,” he sipped on the alcohol.

            I looked up when I felt someone take my hand.  “Hey,” I said softly when I saw Kevin.

            “He’s being an idiot, Li.  You need to talk to him.”

            “Why?”

            “Li, he’s downed half a bottle of vodka by himself.  I know you don’t want him to know about the baby and everything, but this is bad.  You know how he gets when he drinks.”

            I felt a little annoyed that Eli would just try to drown his sorrows in a bottle.  “Is he drunk?”

            “Not even slightly,” Kevin looked over to his left.

            I caught sight of his eyes for a brief second and watched as his ex girlfriend got on his lap and started making out with him.  Tears came to my eyes.  “I don’t want to see or talk to him.”  I excused myself and dragged Hyukkie upstairs with me.  I pulled him to the usual spot I went to and leaned against him as I cried.  “He’s such an !”

            Hyuk rubbed my back.  “I don’t think it was his choice in doing that.”

            “But it ing happened!”  I pulled back and leaned all the way against the wall, seeing over Hyukkie’s shoulder a little bit.  “Kevin wants me to talk to him.  Should I?”  I looked to my best friend, searching for answers in his eyes.

            “I think you should just talk to him.  Only talk,” he bit his bottom lip.  “I’ll give you some room.  Be gentle Li.  I can see the fire in your eyes.”

            I sniffled a little.  “I’ll come over there when I’m through talking with him.  Maybe we can finish our night with a good time.”

            He smiled and kissed my forehead.  “I won’t even drink anymore.”

            “You still have half a beer left.”

            “I don’t need it.  I’ll be in the corner.”

            I watched him walk to an empty table and leaned against the wall fully before looking to the table with Hoon, Kevin, and Eli.  I locked eyes with Eli and gave him the “come here” beckon.

            “Now,” I mouthed to him.  I grinned mentally when I saw the fear in his eyes as he stood up to walk to me.  I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him downwards so he’d be eye level with me.  “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Eli?”  Besides breaking my heart even further with that cheap , I thought.

            He swallowed.

            “You’re just making this harder for me, you know,” I spoke softly.

            “Li, I,” he started to say.

            “Don’t say anything.  Not one goddamn word, Eli,” I said, feeling my jaw clench.  “Got me?”

            He nodded as tears started to come to my eyes.

            “Why did this have to happen now?”  I blinked and blinked to make them go away, but they wouldn’t.

            Eli pulled me into his arms as I broke into tears.  His hand caressing my back felt amazing as it always had.

            “You , why did you have to do this to me?”  I clung to his body for dear life, crying out all the pain I’d endured.  I was dying inside, knowing I wouldn’t be in his arms for a while if ever again at all.

            “Li-Li, why did you leave?”  His voice was low to where only I could hear it.

            I was leaning against his chest.  “You can’t know that.”

            “Don’t I have a right to?”

            “I’ll tell you when the time is right.  The timing now Eli.”  I pulled back and slapped him.  “That’s for making me cry .”  I pulled him down and kissed him as he covered his stinging face.  “But this is for not getting completely drunk,” I muttered.  I pulled back to take one last look into his eyes.  “I have to go baby,” I said it with as much love and passion as I could muster up.  I set the note with the cross on top of it in his hand and escaped.

            Hyuk looked up.  “How’d it go?”

            “Can we go home?  I’m not feeling in the club mood anymore.”

            He got up and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.  “Of course baby.”

            I smiled.  “Thanks Hyukkie.”  I hugged his waist as we walked out.