We used to like each other- you laughed at my smile

We used to cry together- you were pained by my tears

     Hannie’s arms are wrapped warmly around me as we lay on the plush white rug in front of our television. Our clothes have been lost somewhere in the room, and there’s a thick blanket draped over our bodies. His hand is intertwined with mine as we stare up at the spinning ceiling fan, basking in the afterglow of .

    “I feel like I’m floating,” I say, meaning every word. “You make me fly, Hannie-ah.”

   HanGeng doesn’t answer and I look over to the side, only to find his attention is on his phone, and not me. I frown at him and make a frustrated sound. He’s been glued to his phone for weeks. Not even five minutes have passed since our love making ended, and it was already in his hand.

   “Who are you texting?” I ask, “Hannie, look at me.”

   “It’s Sooyoung,” HanGeng dismisses me, “There’s a problem with a shipment at the company.”

    Sooyoung in HanGeng’s coworker. He’s been in contact with her almost constantly since she was hired a couple months ago. I don’t see any threat in it, other than the time she takes from me. Hannie was loyal to me. He preached of loyalty and trust the first day we met. To me, there’s nothing more important than trust in a relationship. If Hannie ever broke my trust in him, I’d lose my mind.

   “Put that thing away,” I scold, reaching for the phone as it begins to ring.

   Hannie sits up and answers it, ignoring my protests. He waves me off and climbs to his feet, talking excitedly to the person on the other end. Hannie leaves the room, the phone glued to his ear. After a few minutes, he returns wearing a pair of pants and putting on a shirt, the phone gone from his ear.

   “Where are you going?” I panic, sitting up and reaching out to him. “It’s date night. We were going to watch a movie…,”

   “I need to go to the office. Sooyoung’s having trouble with a few things and needs my help.” HanGeng explains, “Sorry, Rella…,”

  -My love, my tears, our memories

Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest

Though I cry and I cry, the memories won’t erase

And again today, I drench my empty heart-

    “Sooyoung…,” the name rolls off my tongue as I awake from sleep to find Eunhyuk curled against my side. “She killed Hannie..,”

    “What are you mumbling?” Eunhyuk groans, opening his eyes and blinking up at me. “Are you feeling better, Heechul-ah? I was so worried. I think something happened in Siwon’s office…,”
   “Siwon?” I repeat, finding it strange that he just addressed Dr. Choi by his name. “What happened to Dr. Horse?”

    “Horse?” Eunhyuk states with scrunched features, “Why would I call him that?”

    “What’s our nurse’s name, Eunhyuk-ah?”

    “Sungmin,” Eunhyuk replies with a confused expression.

    “Who lives across the hall?” I press, wanting to test the limits of Eunhyuk’s mind.

    “Donghae,” Eunhyuk answers, “He thinks he’s a sea king. I think he’s crazy.”

    “What about you, are you insane?”

    “No,” Eunhyuk shakes his head. “I’m not insane.”

    “Then, why are you here?” I question, studying the look in my roommate’s eyes.

    “I’m hiding from my sister,” Eunhyuk admits, “She thinks it’s my fault.”

    “What’s your fault, Eunhyuk-ah?”

    “Umma and Appa,” Eunhyuk whispers, tears forming in his eyes. “It’s my fault they’re gone. I deserve to be here. In here, I can’t hurt anyone else.”

    “What happened that day, when the tiger…,” I begin to ask, but Eunhyuk sits up and covers his ears.

     “No, I can’t…,” Eunhyuk shouts, “I can’t remember. Don’t make me say it!”

    “It’s alright,” I sooth, sitting up and pulling Eunhyuk into my arms. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

    “What happened when you killed you boyfriend?” Eunhyuk turns the questions on me. “What do you think you did?”

    “I don’t know,” I reply honestly, “I remember coming home from work. It was cold inside the apartment. I heard something in the bedroom, a noise…, voices…, a name.”

   “What name?”

   “Sooyoung..,” I whisper, something surfacing in my mind and causing pain in my heart. “She was there too. She was…,”

    Panic feels me and I can’t remember anything more. I double over and my breathing becomes shallow. The memories hurt. I feel like everything is shattering again. Eunhyuk’s arms wrap around me and his pulls me upright. I look into his kind almond shaped eyes and part of the panic fades away. His lips touch mine, and everything calms inside me. I feel warm, safe, and loved. Eunhyuk’s touch drives away the pain and clouds my mind with happy thoughts.

    Lying back on my pillow, I pull Eunhyuk down atop me and guide him into more kisses. His hands slide under my shirt and everything slows down. As his lips touch my neck, it feels as if time ceases to exist. Not long ago, I would have stopped him. I would have been afraid of betraying Hannie’s memory. But, something has changed. I feel as if Hannie already betrayed his own memory. I deserve some warmth in my life. I deserve to move on. These thoughts are surprising to me, but I try not to care, for Eunhyuk’s touches feel too good to say no to.

    I sit up slightly, and allow my shirt to be removed, before doing the same for my roommate. Eunhyuk’s skin his soft under my fingertips as I touch his toned chest, brushing over his dark s and causing him to moan. The sound makes my heart flutter. It’s been so long since I heard another man’s voice in such an intimate manner. It’s a satisfying sound that goes straight to my head and urges me to continue.

    “You’re really pretty,” Eunhyuk whispers as he kisses a trail down my body. “I’ve never done this before, you know?”

    “Done what?” I ask, Eunhyuk’s fingers gently tugging my drawstring pants down.

    “Had , been touched…,” Eunhyuk murmurs against my stomach. “You’re my first kiss.”

    “Eunhyuk-ah…,” I begin to protest, Eunhyuk’s confession of innocence making me nervous. His first time shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be in an institution. “Wait…,”

    “What is going on in here?” Nurse Sungmin’s voice shrieks, following by the sound of pills plinking against the floor.

   Sitting up with a jerk, I glance down to find my pants are just above my knees and I’m flashing the room. Nurse Sungmin tosses his tray in the air and flees the room. Eunhyuk breaks out into laughter as he reaches for my pants and helps me pull them back up.

    “I guess we’ve been caught,” Eunhyuk chuckles, “I think we’re going to be punished.”

   “I can’t go back upstairs,” I whine, the idea of ending up in another straightjacket terrifying. “What are they going to…,”

    My words are cut off by Siwon appearing in the doorway with a scowl in his face.

    “You two need to come with me,” Siwon orders, “Now.”

   “You know, this is all your fault.” I begin as Eunhyuk helps me up and hands me my shirt. “You told me to play along with him. You told me to be his boyfriend. Boyfriends have , you know…,”

    “Play along?” Eunhyuk repeats, sounding hurt. “You were told to pretend to like me?”

    “I do like you,” I protest, “I do..,”

   “Dr. Choi told you to lie to me.” Eunhyuk begins to sob, “You’re not my boyfriend. You don’t love me…,”

    “Eunhyuk-ah..,”

    “Did he just call me Dr. Choi?” Siwon states in shock. “Not horse?”

    “You’re not a horse!” Eunhyuk shouts, stomping his foot. “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

   “Because, you’ve been calling me that ever since I arrived here.” Siwon reminds, “You call everyone by an animal name.”

   “I know I did, but that was before.”

   “Before what?”

   “Before I remembered I was human,” Eunhyuk answers, looking up through tear filled eyes. “Before I fell and love and decided I didn’t want to pretend anymore. I’m tired of being sick. I don’t like it here anymore.”

    “Alright, Eunhyuk. Come with me to my office and we’ll discuss this further.” Siwon offers, extending his hand. “Mr. Kim, I’ll speak with you later.”

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