We used to love during the many days we were together
We used to hurt together- making each other’s pain our own

    Dr. Choi stares at me from behind his large black lacquer desk. His wire frame glasses are perched on the end of his nose and his pens are arranged neatly in the pocket of his crisp white coat. I hate this man. All he ever does is look down at me and judge every word that falls from my lips. He thinks I’m insane; I’m not. He wants to fix me; there’s nothing to fix.
 

    “Have you spoken the Hannie today, Mr. Kim?” Dr. Choi asks, tapping his fingers on the desk expectantly.
 

   I just look at him and cross my arms. It’s none of his concern whether I’ve spoke to Hannie in heaven or not. If I say yes, he’ll think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. I know Hankyung is dead. I know he can’t really hear me. It just makes me feel better thinking he can.
 

   “Come on, Mr. Kim.” Dr, Choi frowns, his dark eyebrows knitting together in annoyance. “These session are going to go nowhere unless you talk to me. I’m not letting you leave this room until you say something.”
 

    “His name is Hankyung. Only I can call him Hannie.” I correct, breaking the silence just for the sake of it. “Now, if we’re done for today…,”
 

    “No, we still have twenty more minutes.”
 

    “I have nothing to say to you.”
 

    “Let’s talk about the last time you saw Hankyung. How long ago was it?”
 

    “Six months,” I admit, seeing no harm in it.
 

   “And you checked yourself in here when?”
 

   “About the same time, give or take a week. You know all this. Why are we talking about it?”
 

    “Calm down, I’m just checking your memory.”
 

    “My memory is just fine, Siwon!” I huff, not liking the young doctor’s snide tone. I’m his elder. He should treat me with respect. “I don’t like answering the same questions a million times.”
 

    “Fair enough,” Siwon nodded, “Here's a different question; How's your relationship like with your roommate?”
 

    “Eunhyuk? Fine, I guess. Why?” I shrug, not sure where he was going with this. In all our sessions, he’d never brought up anyone else except Hannie. What was he trying to do this time?
 

   “Hyukjae has been filling my ears with talk of his boyfriend, Mr. Cat.” Siwon explained, “I just want to learn your side of the situation before I proceed with his treatment. Patient relationships are frowned upon, you know?”
 

    “That zoo animal is not my boyfriend,” I sigh, picking a piece of lint off my hospital gown. “He’s in love with me, but it’s one sided.”
 

    “Why would he fall in love with you?”
 

    “I don’t know. Ask the monkey for answers.” This was getting ridiculous. Like I knew why that gummy kid liked me. I’m not even nice.
 

    “He says it’s because Mr. Cat is lonely and needs a monkey to cheer him up.” Siwon stated, “I suggest you smile more and maybe Hyukjae will point his delusions elsewhere. His infatuation with you isn’t helping his state of mind.”
 

    “It’s not my problem,” I shrug, rolling my eyes. “My heart belongs to Hannie. Hkyujae will just have to deal with that.”
 

    “I see…,” Siwon nodded, pushing his glasses up and leaning back into his chair. “I think it may be best for you to have another meeting with Hankyung. You’re clearly reversing the progress from the last meeting.”
 

    “Are you crazy or something?” I can’t help but ask. Dr. Choi is always going on and on about raising the dead and taking to people in heaven with his desk phone. Sometimes I think the poor man is more insane than his patients. “Voodoo rituals aren’t my thing. If you want to raise the dead….,”
 

    “Mr. Kim, you’re missing my point.” Siwon interrupts, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You’re meeting with Mr. Han in two days. I suggest you start thinking about what you want to say to him. Hysterical screaming isn’t going to work this time.”
 

    “What are you taking about? Hannie’s dead and of course I’d scream if his zombie came walking through the door. Face it Siwon, you need more help than I do.”
 

    “You may go now,” Siwon dimissed, waving his hand tiredly towards the door.
 

    “We still have fifteen minutes.” I remind him. Spending the rest of the day in the activity room with a bunch of crazy people didn’t sound fun to me. Though, Dr. Choi was annoying and a bit strange, I preferred the quiet of his office over most spaces in this horrid place.
 

    “I know, but you’re clearly not ready to listen to me.” Siwon stated, pushing a button on his desk and speaking again after a high pitched voice greeted him from the intercom system. “Ryeowook, Mr. Kim is ready for his walk.”
 

    “Walk?” That was new.
 

    “Since you seem to like the garden so much, I’m having nurse Kim walk you around the perimeter. You clearly want to be here, so I’m sure you won’t try and run off, right?”
 

    “No, I checked myself in. Why would I want to leave?”
 

    “Come with me, Mr. Kim.” A petite nurse dressed in blue scrubs greets me as he steps into the tiny office. “We can have a snack while we walk. Would you like some ice cream.”
 

    “I’m not four,” I frown at the nurse’s tone. He was speaking to me like a pre-school kid. “But, ice cream does sound nice.”
 

    “Make sure he behaves,” Siwon warns as I follow the small man out of the room.
 

Where are you? Can’t you hear my voice?
My pained heart is looking for you
Is calling out to you- crazily

    “Hannie’s favorite ice cream flavor was strawberry,” I explain to Ryeowook as we stroll along the front sidewalk of the hospital. Not many patients were allowed on this side of the fence, thus making it quiet.
 

   “Is the vanilla ok?” Ryeowook asks me, sounding worried. I preferr chocolate, but it isn’t a big deal. Though, most patients would throw a hysterical fit if they didn’t get their way. The nurse looks fearful of my next response, proving he’d seen such a thing happen on many occasions. “It’s fine.”
 

    “Can I ask you a question, Mr. Kim?”
 

    “Call me Heechul hyung,” I correct. After all, Wookie has been looking after me for months. It feels strange being addressed so formally. “Are we not friends, Ryeowook?”
 

     “Well…, if you want us to be.” Wookie shrugs, careful of his word choices.
 

    “Go ahead and ask your question. I won’t freak out on you.” I reassure, my ice cream cone as we take a seat on a bench near the parking-lot. The sun was warm on my skin and the breeze was light. It was a nice day for a walk.
 

    “How did he die, your friend?”
 

    The question catches me off guard. No one had asked me this before, not even that nosey bastard Dr. Choi. Most usually referred to Hannie as someone tangible or chided me for talking to him. They never wanted to really know what had happened to him. Hyukjae had tried to ask once, but it had been too soon and I’d screamed at him. Poor monkey had cried so hard afterwards, I almost felt bad about yelling at him.
 

    “Well, he…,” I begin trying to remember the night it had happened.
 

    I came home from work early that day. The shop had closed for the holiday weakend and I’d finished inventory. It was a Thursday. Hannie didn’t work on Thursdays. It was his day off. Instead of going to the store to buy food, like I’d told him I’d do that morning, I went straight home. Hannie always got lonely on his days off. I wanted to surprise him.
 

    The apartment had felt cold when I walked inside. The air was suffocating, yet freezing. Somehow, I could tell something was wrong. I remember hearing noises and then after that my mind went blank. The next thing I remember is stumbling into the hospital a week later and demanding to be checked in. Hannie was dead and I couldn’t deal with pain. I needed an escape.
 

    “Yes?” Wookie prods, when I didn’t continue.
 

    “I don’t remember.” I answer finally, “Is that strange to you? Shouldn’t I remember something?”
 

    “Not necessarily,” Ryeowook shrugs. “Maybe that’s why you’re here; to try and remember. Everyone copes with things differently. For example, there’s a patient on the fourth floor who thinks turtles ate his parents. It’s just his way of dealing with what really happened.”
 

    “What happened?”
 

    “I can’t tell you that. It’s against the rules.”
 

    “So, does Hyukjae think everyone’s an animal because he’s coping with something horrible?” It makes since now that I thought about it. “What is Leeteuk dealing with that would make him think he’s Emperor of Korea? How about Donghae and his sea king persona?”
 

    “I’m not allowed to discuss…,”
 

   “And what the heck is wrong with Kangin? I’ve been here for six months and I still have no clue. He just glares at people when they get too close to Teukie.”
 

    “Youngwoon thinks it’s his job to protect Jungsoo.” Ryeowook answers, “He thinks he’s still in the army and he’s guarding a dignitary.”
 

    “I thought you couldn’t discuss patients?”
 

    “I can’t,” Ryeowook clarifies, standing up. “You’re just one of the more normal people I get to talk to throughout the day. I keep forgetting you’re a patient too.”
 

    “Thanks, I guess.” Maybe I should act crazier? He might figure out I’m a fraud. “Can we go back inside? I need to talk to Hannie. I promised I would before lunch.”
 

    “Really? Dr. Choi’s letting you call him now?”
 

    “I can’t call him, he’s dead.” Really, people? It’s not that hard to comprehend this. “Just take me inside!”
 

    “Fine,” Wookie blinks, looking shocked by my outburst. Good, maybe he’ll think I’m insane now? “I’ll bring you your lunch in an hour. After that, you have a group therapy session with Dr. Zhoumi.”
 

    “Hannie, can you hear me?” I muble to myself as I follow nurse Kim back inside. I don’t care if Wookie hears me or not. He’s used to my ramblings by now. “What happened to you, Hannie? Why can’t I remember? Are you blocking it from me? Can you do things like that when you’re dead? I miss you. I wish you were here. My heart aches right now. I just want someone to hug me, but there’s no one. Can you hug me from heaven?”
 

    Suddenly, a pair of warm arms encircle my waist from behind and someone nuzzles their face into my back.
 

Hannie, is that you?
 

    “I’ll hug you.” Hyukjae’s voice offers, his arms tightening around me. “You’re not alone.”
 

    We’d arrived back at my room, Wookie had left and I hadn’t even noticed. Talking to Hankyung did that to me sometimes. I forgot where I was for a moment or who I was with. Hyukjae’s arms felt warm around my waist, his embrace oddly comforting. Though, the boy was out of his mind, I liked to believe that he really did love me. It was one of the things that kept me a little sane in this crazy place. Someone still cared about me.
 

    “You’re going to cry again, aren’t you?” Eunhyuk asks, letting go before moving to stand in front of me.
 

    His eyes were sincere and a bit sad as he pushed me back onto my bend and moved to climb on top of me. This was something new. Usually, Hyukjae just hugged me of placed innocent kisses on my cheek, before declaring his undying love. Never had he done anything like this. Moving to sit up, I’m pressed back down by my roommate. He’s now sitting astraddle of my thighs and peering down at me with curious eyes.
 

    “What are you doing?”
 

    “I got in a fight.” Eunhyuk states, catching me off guard. “Dr. Horsei is mad at me.”
 

    “Who did you fight with?”
 

    “Mr. Fish.” Eunhyuk answers, reaching around to untie my hospital gown.
 

    “Hey!” I shout, batting his hands away. “What are you trying to do?”
 

    “Fishy says you’re not my boyfriend because we don’t have .” Eunhyuk pouts, “He’s right. You never touch me. Why won’t you touch me? Am I ugly?”
 

    “No, you’re not ugly.” I answer, telling the truth. Hyukjae is a bit unconventional looking, but he isn’t ugly. His face just is something you had to study to find attractive. “You’re eyes are pretty.”
 

    “You really think so?” Hyukie beams, finding my complicate exciting. He really does have pretty eyes.
 

    “Yes, but Donghae’s right. We’re not dating.”
 

    “Yes we are,” Eunhyuk pouts, his eyes filling with tears. “I love you. Why can’t you love me back? You hate me, don’t you. You’re just like all the other animals. You hate me.”
 

    “Hyukjae, it’s not like that. You’re a nice guy. A bit crazy, but nice. It’s just Hannie…,”
 

    “That dragon left you!” Hyukjae shouts, climbing off me and standing up. “He never comes to visit unless he’s ordered here by the doctors. Can’t you see, he doesn’t love you anymore?”
 

     “What are you rambling about?” Hyukjae is the worst about speaking of Hannie like he were still with us. It disturbs me and makes me want to scream. “Hankyung-ah is dead! He can’t visit me!”
 

    “No, Mr. Dragon isn’t…,” Eunhyuk begins, but is interrupted by Dr. Choi sticking his head inside the room and glaring at him.
 

    “What have I told you about this subject, Mr. Lee?” Siwon asks Hyukjae. “Do you need to be moved to a different floor? I‘m sure Jongwoon would like a roommate.”
 

    “No! I don’t want to move in with the turtle!” Eunhyuk panicks, grabbing my hand and pulling me up to stand, before hiding behind me. “I want to stay with Heechul-ah.”
 

    “Heechul?” Siwon frowns, “Not Mr. Cat?”
 

    “Cat?” Eunhyuk asks, confused. “His Heechul-ah, not a cat.”
 

    “Who am I, Hyukjae.” Siwon asks carefully. It seems something had suddenly changed in Eunhyuk's mental state. He’s never called me by my name before.
 

    “Dr. Horse,” Eunhyuk answers like it was obvious.
 

    “Who are you?”
 

    “Eunhyuk,”
 

    “Are you a person or a monkey, Hyukjae?”
 

    “I’m a person,” Eunhyuk answers, “Heechul-ah’s a person too. He’s my boyfriend and we’re going to have now, so you need to leave Dr. Horse.”
 

    “We are not going to…,” I begin, but am silenced by Siwon.
 

    “Play along with him, Mr. Kim. This is progress.”
 

    “We are not having .”
 

    “But, Heechul-ah…,” Eunhyuk whines, “Please?”
 

    “No.”
 

    “Can we at least cuddle?”
 

    “N…,”
 

    “Mr. Kim, please?” Siwon urges.
 

    “Fine, we can cuddle until Wookie brings our lunch. Are you both happy?”
 

    “I love you, Heechul-ah.” Eunhyuk smiles, pulling me towards the bed as Siwon steps from the room to document Hyukjae's sudden progress.
 

    “Whatever.”
 

Please come back to me- I call out your name every night
And in my exhausted waiting, I wander around and look for you
 

    “Hannie,” I whisper as Hyukjae settles into my arms and shuts his eyes.
 

    We’re lying in my bed. Hyukie feels warm against my chest. His breath tickles my neck and his arms hold me tight. It feels almost right to be lying here with him. I want to pull him closer, but I’m afraid. Does this betray Hankyung’s memory? Am I allowed to get closer to another?
 

    “I’m sorry, he’s just a friend.” It tastes like a lie on my tongue.
 

   Why was that a lie? Eunhyuk loves me, but I don’t love him. Shutting my eyes, I try and access my feelings for the man in my arms, but they’re only a fuzzy haze. Everything in my head is fuzzy; Hyukjae, Hannie’s death, my past, and the present. Nothing makes sense. Am I truly going crazy?
 

   “I’m not insane,” I try to convince myself as tears begin leaking from my eyes. “It’s an act. I’m acting.”
 

    “Don’t cry, Heechul-ah.” Eunhyuk whispers against my chest. “I know all the animals are scary, but I’m here for you.”
 

    “Why am I not an animal anymore, Hyukjae. What happened to you just now?”
 

    “Mr. Fish said I can’t love you because we’re not the same species. He said cats and monkeys can’t love together. I don’t want to be a monkey if I can’t be with you.”
 

   “Why do you love me?”
 

   “I don’t know,” Eunhyuk admitted, “I just do.”
 

    “I only love Hannie,” I reply, my heart panging a bit with the statement. It didn’t feel right.
 

    “Why? He hurt you. Dragons are mean, Heechul-ah. They’ll spit fire on you.”
 

    “Hannie wouldn’t do that.”
 

    “If he tries I’ll throw water on him.” Eunhyuk promises, “If I’m allowed to have any, that is. I threw some on Mr. fish today because he made me mad and needed to breathe. Nurse Bunny banned me from the cafeteria.”
 

    “Donghae’s not a fish. He can breathe just fine.”
 

    “Of course he’s a fish, silly.” Euhyuk giggles, leaninp up and kissing my cheek. “Are you sure we can’t have , because Fishy said…,”
 

    “Stop listening to the fish. He’s just jealous.” I interrupt. While Hyukjae is attractive and he feels nice in my arms, I’m not ready to be that intimate with another person. It’s too close to Hannie’s death. I can’t betray his memory.
 

My love, my tears, our memories
Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest
Though I cry and I cry, the memories won’t erase
And again today, I drench my empty heart

_______________________________________________________________

Ok, so some of you may have figured this out already, but Hankyung isn't really dead. So, don't freak out. It's not a character death.

Everything will be explained later.

Comments = Faster Updates!