My heart, my tears, my memories of you

Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest

Though I cry and I cry, the memories won’t erase

And again today, I drench my empty heart

     I have never been so happy to see my patient room as I am in this moment. Spending a day on the upper floor, had been traumatizing and quite disturbing. It makes me glad that I hadn’t been labeled as a violent case, though I am not crazy, so all labeling of me is false. Eunhyuk looks up with a bright smile as I enter the room. His eyes are red from crying.

    “What’s wrong, Eunhyuk?” I ask as I flop down on my bed and focus my gaze on the stained ceiling tiles above. “Did you miss me?”

    “I’m worried,” Eunhyuk informs, his voice sounding soft and feeble. “I heard Dr. Horse talking this morning. You’re going to fight the Dragon again today. I’m not allowed to go with you. What if he burns you?”

    “Dragon?” I repeat, recalling that this was the name Eunhyuk had given Hannie. “Hannie’s dead. I won’t be fighting any ghosts.”

    “But…,” Eunhyuk begins, his voice trailing off as Nurse Sungmin appears in the doorway.

    “Mr. Kim, you need to follow me. I’ve been instructed to sedate you before your meeting.” Sungmin instructs, his words causing a cold chill to run through my body.

    “I’m not going to let you do that,” I deny, trying to keep my focus on the ceiling and ignore the other men in the room. “I do not need to be sedated. I’m not dangerous.”

    “Please, Mr. Kim? If you don’t come quietly, I’ll have you dragged there.”

    “You can try,” I growl, sitting up and glaring at the nurse in the doorway. “I will not be sedated. I’ll come to the meeting, but I won’t let you drug me for it.”

    “Let him be, Nurse.” Doctor Choi orders as he enters the room and offers me his hand. “Come with me, Kim Heechul. It’s an important day for you today. So, be on your best behavior.”

    “I’m always on my best behavior,” I inform with a smirk as I stand from the bed without taking the doctor’s hand.

    “NO!” Eunhyuk shouts, “You can’t go with the Horse. He’s going to carry you into the fire!”

    “Eunhyuk, I suggest you stay quiet, or I will have you restrained.” Siwon warns, “I am not going to harm your boyfriend.”

    “I’m not his boyfriend,” I mutter as Eunhyuk springs up from his bed and pulls me into a tight hug.

    “If the Dragon tries to burn you, pour water on him.” Eunhyuk whispers into my ear, before pulling back and smiling at me. “Or, you can bite him. It worked before.”

    “Hannie’s dead…,” I begin, but am cut off by Eunhyuk’s soft lips on mine.

    Like before, the kiss is soothing. It calms my nerves and chases unpleasant things from my mind. As Siwon pulls me from the room, my fingers go to my tingling lips and a smile spreads across my face. Something about Eunhyuk’s kisses brings back a warmth inside me that I haven’t felt since HanGeng’s death. In this entire crazy place, Eunhyuk is the only one I trust, even a little bit.

   “This way, Mr. Kim.” Siwon guides me into his office and gestures for me to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

   I hate this chair. I have spent many hours seated upon it listing to Siwon babble on and on about my mental health. Nothing Siwon ever said to me was true. He is under the delusion that I am insane. Siwon thinks I need treatment and counseling. He prescribes medications that I refuse to take, for I am not insane. One day, when I tire of this charade, I will leave this place. As of now, I cannot imagine living in the outside world, not while the pain of losing Hanie is so raw inside my heart.

    As a take a seat in the chair, something cool touches my wrist. Looking to my right, I see a nurse I do not recognize. He gives me a stern look as he tries to tie by right arm to the chair with a leather strap. I jerk my arm away, only to have my left wrist forced against the arm of the chair by Siwon.

    “What are you doing?! Let go!” I shout as I struggle to be free. “Stop!”

    No one is listens as they continue to hold me down, more leather straps securing me to my seat. Sungmin approaches with a needle in his hand and I scream loudly in protest. I will not be sedated again. My protests are in vain, for the needle soon pierces my skin and a searing pain radiates up my arm.

   “Why,” I sob, hot tears stinging my cheeks. “I told you that I would come to the meeting. Why are you doing this to me?”

    “Because, we cannot have a repeat of yesterday.” Siwon explains, “This is for your own good.”

    Siwon takes a seat at his desk and begins taking notes as the world starts to slow around me. This wasn’t the first injection I have been given in this place. I recall a previous event shortly after I arrived. It had been in Siwon’s office as well, but the rest of the event was a blur to me now. I can remember very little from my first days here.

   “Bring him in, Sungmin.” Siwon orders, “Make sure none of the other patients disturb us.” 

    The nurses file out of the room, leaving me alone with Doctor Choi. I hate the handsome man sitting in front of me. His words are smug and his actions are bold. He thinks he knows everything about me, when he really knows nothing. If he knew that I am just pretending to be ill, how would he react to how wrong he’s been?

    “Rella, are you alright?” Hannie’s voice suddenly fills my head. “Why are you restrained?”

    I shut my eyes and try to push his voice from my mind. It’s painful to hear his voice again. I can’t let it get to me. I can’t let the pain in.

    “Have a seat, Mr. Han.” I hear Siwon speak, his words confusing to me.

    “Why is he tied up?” HanGeng’s voice yet again enters my mind. “Is he being violent again?”

    “It’s just a precaution. I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday. He’s not been very stable the past twenty-four hours.”

    “I’s been months, why isn’t he getting better? I checked him in here to be cured, not tortured,” HanGeng’s voice speaks again, everything about what he’s saying feeling wrong to me.

   “He’s not being tortured, Mr. Han. His condition is worse than I had previous thought. His delusion goes beyond just believing you’re no longer with us….,”

   “Hanie’s dead!” I scream, refusing to open my eyes. “He’s dead! This isn’t real!”

   “Mr. Kim, please calm down.” Siwon orders, “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

   “Rella, please..,” HanGeng’s voice sounds again, this time closer.

   A hand rests on my arm and the feeling of it is too real. I can smell Hannie’s cologne and feel his breath on my skin. It’s as if he’s sitting right beside me.

    “Make it stop!” I plead, the pain in my heart too horrible to bear. “I need Eunhyuk! I need him to kiss me!”

    “Who’s Eunhyuk,” HanGeng asks, “What is he talking about?”

    “I need a kiss! I need a kiss!” I sob, hoping that Eunhyuk’s lips would take away the pain. “I need it to stop. I need…,”

   My words are cut off by a pair of warm lips pressing against mine. Unlike Eunhyuk’s calming kiss, this one causes a surge of blind panic within me. The lips taste like Hannie’s. They’re so familiar, yet strange to me. I want to give in, and at the same time, fight back. This doesn’t feel real. It can’t be real. Hannie’s dead. I killed him.

    “That’s better,” HanGeng’s voice whispers as the kiss breaks and a slump in my chair.

    The sedative is taking effect. My limbs feel heavy and my body is limp. I still refuse to open my eyes.

    “Rella please?” HanGeng begs, “You have to remember who you are.”

    “I know who I am,” I declare, my voice sounding slow and slurred. “I’m Kim Heechul.”

    “Yes, you are.” Siwon finally speaks, “Mr. Kim, why are you here?”

    “Because you think I’m crazy.” I state, not sure why I am admitting to my charade. “I’m not crazy!”

    “Why do you believe that?”

    “I don’t believe it. I know it.” I declare, “I want to leave. I’m ready to check myself out. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

    “Mr. Kim, you cannot check yourself out.” Siwon denies. “I have to sign that you’re ready to be discharged, and you are far from ready.”

    “I checked myself in, I can check myself out!”

    “Mr. Han check you in upon doctor’s orders,” Siwon argues, “You’re a very sick man, Mr. Kim.”

    “Hannie’s dead, he couldn’t have…,”

    “Stop saying that I’m dead,” I hear HanGeng shout, before a hand is brought across my face in a stinging slap.

    The bow causes my eyes to open and focus on the man who’d struck me. HanGeng is kneeling in front of my chair. He looks as real as Siwon does seated behind his desk. I pull at my restraints, wanting to reach out and touch him, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. HanGeng places his hand alongside my face, the sensation hot and tangible. Tears well up in my eyes, causing my vision to blur.

    “How?” I sob, confused by everything I was seeing. “I don’t understand.”

   “I’m not dead, Rella.” HanGeng states, my face. “I’m right here.”

    “I killed you,” the words pour from my lips without reason. “I did something wrong. I killed our love. It was my fault.”

    “What was your fault, Mr. Kim?” Siwon probes, “What are you speaking of?”

    “It’s my fault he slept with her,” I continue, nothing making sense to me as I do. “I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t what he wanted. I killed us. I killed us!”

     “Rella, no…,” HanGeng begins, his other hand resting on my knee.

   My eyes go to his left hand and I see a silver ring on his figure. I don’t remember that ring. Hannie never wore jewelry.

     “What’s that?” I ask, “Are you married?”

     “No, I…,” HanGeng stammers, removing his hands and standing up.

    “Answer the question, Mr. Han.” Siwon orders, “This is the first time he’s spoken of reality in months. Answer his question.”

    “I was married a couple months ago,” HanGeng explains, his expression grave. “She was pregnant. I had to…,”

     “Ghost!” I suddenly scream, the figure in front of me seeming more spectral than human. “Ghost! Help! Make it go away!!!”

    “Mr. Han, I think it’s time for you to leave. He’s going to hurt himself it he continues to struggle like this.” Siwon instructs, standing from his desk and pushing HanGeng’s ghost from the room.

    My whole body feels heavy as nurses flood the room and remove my restraints. I can’t move or fight them. Everything feels surreal. I don’t remember how I got back to my room, but the next thing I see is Eunhyuk’s concerned face hovering over me. Needing the warmth my roommate’s touch brings me, my arms slowly lift and pull him closer. Eunhyuk doesn’t hesitate, and kisses me. His lips feel good against my own, a calming peace overtaking me as I slip into the darkness of sleep.

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Wow, that was a long time between updates. I'm going to try and start finishing this one now. So, comments are my fuel. Let me know if you're still interested?