We used to love during the many days we were together. We used to hurt together- making each other’s pain our own, Where are you? Can’t you hear my voice? My pained heart is looking for you, Is calling out to you, crazily.

    Where are you? Looking up at the bright blue sky and the downy clouds passing me by, I feel as if you are here. I can see you in the bright green leaves of the trees. Your face haunts me in the clumps of flowers scattered around the garden. As I lay here in the damp grass and stare at the sky, I miss you. I miss you everyday. You’ve been gone so long. Why did you leave me here alone? Hannie, why did you have to die?

    You were supposed to be by my side forever. We were meant to be, you and I. Yet, here I am laying alone in this patch of grass watching birds fly across the sky and thinking of you. Why aren’t you beside me? Kim Heechul isn’t supposed to be left alone. You had no right to leave me like this, HanGeng. I can’t deal with my life without you.

    The breeze blowing through my hair carries your scent. I smell you everywhere. Shutting my eyes, I try to listen to the wind. Maybe if I listen close enough, I can hear you? Can you hear me, Hannie? Are looking down at me? I know I don’t believe in Heaven, but I’d like to think you’re in a nice place. What’s it like to be dead, my love? Do you miss me? I miss you.

    We used to like each other- you laughed at my smile. We used to cry together- you were pained by my tears. Where are you? Can’t you see my tired body? My pained heart is looking for you, is calling out to you – crazily.

    Please come back to me? I call out your name every night and in my exhausted waiting, I wander around and look for you.

    I feel you the most when I lay in the garden. Being surrounded by nature brings you closer to me. Remember our walks in the park? Do you remember how we made love in the bushes? You were so scared of getting caught, but I knew it would be alright. You were so innocent, Hannie. Did I corrupt you? If so, did you go to hell? Did I doom you? Please, tell me it’s not true? Hannie, speak to me?

    “Mr. Kim!” a voice calls out to me, but I ignore it. “Mr. Kim, it’s time to go inside.”
 
    It’s nurse Sungmin. I’d know his voice anywhere. I don’t want to go inside. I want to stay here with you.

   “Mr. Kim, please? Don’t make me get the other nurses to drag you in like last time.” Sungmin sounds frustrated. Maybe I should listen to him?

    “Mr. Kim?!”

    With a heavy heart, I lift myself out of the sift grass and turn to look at the angry nurse standing a few feet away. He’s tapping his foot and glaring at me. I wish he wouldn’t look at me that way. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

    “Can’t I stay a little longer? I’m talking to Hannie.”

    “Mr. Kim, you know good and well Hannie can’t hear you. If you wish to talk to him, Dr. Choi will let you use the phone in his office.”

    “Dr. Choi has a phone that can call heaven?” I asked with raised brows, receiving a strange look from him. “Or does it call Hell?”

    “Mr. Kim please come inside? It’s time for you medications. You seem to need them today.”

    “I don’t need medication,” I shake my head as I stand and follow him back inside the hospital. “I’m not crazy.”

    “I know Mr. Kim,” Sungmin sighs as if he doesn’t believe me, but it’s the truth.

    Kim Heechul isn’t crazy. No, I’m the only sane person in this horrible place. After Hannie’s death, I checked myself into the SM Mental Hospital on purpose. Life just wasn’t worth dealing with without Hannie. It was easier to exist somewhere I could spend my days thinking about him. In the real world I’d have to work, go out with friends, and live a life. Here, it was all about Hannie. Yes, the residents were insane beyond belief, the nurses were rude, Dr. Choi was way too nosey and they all thought I was crazy, but it was better than the alternative. No, I’m not crazy; I’m only pretending to be.

    “Now play nice with your roommate, Mr. Kim.” Sungmin instructed, handing me a cup of brightly colored pills and a bottle of water as we stopped in front of my assigned room. “I will come fetch you for dinner in a few hours.”

   “I look forward to it,” I smile sweetly, stepping inside my room and tossing my medication into the trash. I’m not insane, so taking it would be stupid.

   “You shouldn’t do that,” my roommate scolded as I took a seat on my tiny bed and started staring through the bars of our room’s only window. “Nurse Bunny will find out and be mad.”

    “His name's Sungmin?” I correct, finding my roommate’s strange idea that every person in this world was actually an animal annoying.

   “He's Nurse Bunny.” Hyukjae agured sincerely, or should I say Monkey Hyukie. Poor thing believed he was an orangutan trapped in the zoo.

    Lee Hyukjae is one of the saner people in this institution and I was lucky to be rooming with him. He isn’t violent or aggressive. All he does is call me Cat and make monkey noises in his sleep. His delusion is mild and he can carry on a normal conversation for the most part. It was just bothersome when he shouted at people, such as the guy that lives across the hall and thinks he is King of the Sea. Hyukjae believes this man is a fish and that being out of the water would kill him, therefore he screams every time he sees him and swears the Fish King was going to suffocate. The two couldn’t be left alone together for long or Monkey Hyukie will throw water on him.

    “Please Mr. Cat, take your pills?” Hyukjae asks as he sits down next to me and placed a shy kiss on my cheek. “I don’t want them to lock you in the pound again.”

    Another annoying feature about my roommate is that he is completely head over heels in love with me. But, I can never love him back. Doing so would betray Hannie’s memory. No, I would never love another ever again. I will wait for the day I die alone and then I will be reunited with my true love.

    “Are you talking to the dragon again?” Hyukjae asks, referring to Hankyung-ah. How he knows my Hannie is a dragon, I do not know.Though, Hannie died before I met Hyukjae, he is able to recall every detail of his face. This fact scares me.

    “Not at the moment, no.” I answer, scooting away from my roommate. “Do you still think I’m a cat?”

    “Of course,” Hyukjae smiles, “You’re Mr. Cat and I love you.”

   “Shouldn’t a monkey love another monkey?”

   “But, I love you.” Hyukjae defends, “Animals shouldn’t cross breed, but it happens. Our babies will be adorable.”

    “I’m a boy, Hyukjae. We can’t have babies.” I chuckle in response to my roommate’s state of thinking. Hyukjae was so innocent seeming most of the time; one reason why I let him love me. I don’t dare scold him. It would break the poor monkey’s heart.

    “I’m going for a walk,” Suddenly the room was too stuffy. “Want to come with me?”

    “But, nurse Bunny said not to leave my room until dinner.”

    “I’m just going to the activity room. Nurse Bunny won’t mind.”

    “Alright,” Hyukjae nodded as we both exited the room and made our way down the long hallway towards the main room.
 

    “Show respect to Emperor Park,” A bulky man in a hospital gown, I knew as Kangin, scolds as we entered the room. “Everyone must bow when entering his presence.”

    “I’m not bowing to your boyfriend,”

    “King Dinosaur!” Hyukjae shrieks in my ear upon spying the patient’s delusional leader, Park Jungsoo, seated near by. “Don’t eat me!”

     “He’s not going to eat you. Calm down, Monkey.”

    Park Jungsoo has the strange delusion that he is the Emperor of Korea and he's been somehow transported to the future. Why this man had this stupid idea, I have no clue. He doesn’t speak to many people, other than to command things of them. Kangin is attached to Jungsoo’s hip like a palace bodyguard, but other than believing Jungsoo was from the past, he didn’t seem to be too unbalanced. I’ve yet to figure out what’s wrong with him.

    “How dare you commoners speak to me in such a manner,” Jungsoo scolds us from his position at the table playing checkers with himself. “I need to concentrate on my game. Be gone with you!”

    “You heard the Emperor, keep moving!” Kangin instructs us. Rather than start a fight on the basis of crazy, I decide to keep moving.

   “Go play with the sea king over there and give me a moment, ok?” I ask Hyukjae, pointing to where Donghae sat in the corner talking to the fish tank.

    “FISHY OUT OF WATER!” Hyukie shrieks upon spotting Hae. He then grabs a Styrofoam cup from off one of the tables and dumps it’s contents over Donghae’s head.

    As an argument brakes out, I decide to make myself comfortable beside the window. It is never prudent to be involved in a fight. This place is horrible, Hannie. It’s better than being out there without you. I can deal with a little insanity. Being in here is like being in another world; a world in which you never existed. Tears filling my eyes, I cast them to the floor and try to fight back the pain, but it’s no use. I cry everyday over you. Do you hear my tears? Can you see me weeping? Hannie, where are you?

    My heart, my tears, my memories of you. Drop by drop, they are falling against my chest. Though I cry and I cry, the memories won’t erase. And again today, I drench my empty heart.

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