Jiyeon

song as you read

“You should eat.” Seungho fed me porridge, but I kept on shaking my head.

“It’s okay. I’m really not really hungry.” He sighed. “Don’t force me.”

“Okay…Okay.” He sighed again in defeat. He looked at the porridge first before eating it. “Since you’re not eating it, I’ll just eat it.” Tears began to stream down his cheeks, but he kept on smiling every time I look at him.

“Seungho-ah…”

“Don’t mind me.”

Sniff.

“Don’t cry please.”

“I’m not crying. It’s just that…this porridge must have some onions in it.”

“Stop joking.” I took the bowl of porridge and spoon from his hands and placed it on top of the small cabinet beside the hospital bed I sat on. “I remember when we were children… You would always cry when you are forced to eat when you don’t even feel like eating.” He laughed, wiping his tears. “I’m sorry, Seungho-ah… For everything.” I held his hand and smiled, and then using my other hand I brushed off his tears. “Seungho you’re still the same,” I began to cry as well. “You’re such a crybaby over such little things.”

At dawn, I was awakened again by another nightmare. Lately, Shihoo only had a few roles in my dreams… In my nightmare, my father was there. He was the one who stabbed my chest with a knife. Luckily, it was just a dream. Just a strange dream.

But what do I really do? How can I find Myungsoo?

I closed my eyes again, drifting into the dark abyss of yet another nightmare.

“Myungsoo?” I saw Myungsoo in an empty room. He was lying on the ground, his eyes searched mine and when he finally saw me, he smiled weakly.

I wanted to go near him and help him, but my whole body was heavy. I couldn’t walk nor move.

“J-Ji-Jiyeon…”

“Myungsoo…” How did this happen to him? Why is he in such a condition? Why is he lying on the ground like that…? Why does he look so lifeless? I had to do something, but every time I shout and cry his name…

I was getting farther away from him unconsciously. He was so close, yet so far. Someone was taking me away from him, I struggled to get away. “Myungsoo! Myungsoo!”

I shouted at the top of my lungs, until no words came out anymore. I couldn’t say anything anymore. It was like… hell.

“I’m sorry, Jiyeon-ah.”

“You know it’s a very good idea that you purposely came to me just to see him.”

Talk, talk Jiyeon! This is just a dream… This is just a dream...

The moment I opened my eyes, I see Shinhye in the hospital watching Yonghwa asleep. She stood up when she realized I was there, and a big smile formed on her face. “You came!”

I woke up.

“Are you okay, Jiyeon?” Suzy asked worriedly. “My gosh, I was so scared when you were talking in your sleep saying ‘talk talk talk’! How do you feel? Did you have a bad dream?” I just nodded my head and looked around for Seungho. “Where’s Seungho?”

“Well, you know, he’s not that well yet. So the nurses brought him back to his room.” Suzy smiled. “Harabeoji is still the same… And… I still can’t believe our cousin really did that. I mean, I’ve never even seen him since I was a child. Tell me, how does he look like? Is he scary?”

“Don’t ask me.” I shut my eyes closed, trying not to remember about that horrible person.

“Uh- right. Sorry.” Suzy sighed. “I called your sister by the way.” I quickly sat up, eager to listen to her about my sister. “Unfortunately, someone else answered the call. A doctor. Shinhye is currently resting on the hospital. But I talked to your mother. She said I should take care of you, while they care of Park Shihoo and then… look for your father.”

“Father? Why?”

“Obviously he went missing, that’s why they’re looking for him.” Suzy said sarcastically.

I made a troubled look and Suzy noticed it. “What’s wrong?” She asked. I shrugged, saying it was nothing. But something was really bothering me. What if father does something stupid like that in my nightmare? “I’m going crazy.” I fussed. “I just want to die!”

Suzy shook her head. “Don’t go crazy or die either,” she squeezed my hand with her hands and lowered her eyes. “If you go crazy, everyone might all go crazy, like a virus. You know what my mom said? She said that her brother was a good man but because he failed once and gave up right away, he went crazy and finished his life just like that. His death caused the downfall of his own son. He went crazy. I don’t know how far he went crazy but because of that, he’s now a criminal. Jiyeon if you go crazy, you either end up your life or you become a crazy criminal. If either of that happens then how about your parents? Your sister? How about harabeoji? He cares about you a lot. There’s also your best friend who keeps on ignoring me because he can’t stop worrying about you and then there’s your boyfriend who sacrificed his life for your sake. Would you really go crazy and affect their lives too? Is that all you’re gonna do? Go crazy and do nothing and just…die?” My eyes widened.

“It’s not that I’m judging you or anything, I’m just so scared,” she sighed. “I’m worried that everyone might get involved, or that mom might get involved. Dad already left a long time ago so I don’t really care about him.” She chuckled, a tear falling from her eye. “That’s why I’m trying my best here to be on my guard. It’s not my fight, but I will consider this as my fight too because I’m scared of losing important people from me. Jiyeon, that’s what you should put in your mind not the thought that you will just go crazy and die peacefully. You can’t just runaway when everyone’s still hanging on a cliff.”

I still have them. My mother… Shinhye…Harabeoji...Seungho… and Suzy’s here trying her best to find the right words to say to me. Myungsoo who sacrificed his life for my sake.

I can’t just runaway and leave them hanging. She’s right.

 “Suzy… Thank you.” I fell asleep again shortly. I promised myself before sleeping again that I will get up and stop lying on a bed helplessly. Well, promising that on own actually worked because I managed to wake up early and when I was awake Suzy was already sleeping on a chair w