The discovery of my uality was an awful one. One bright and sunny day during middle school, a weird thought entered my head. I wondered what it would be like to kiss my gym teacher, Mr. Shim Changmin.

I was frightened by this. But the more I tried to stop thinking about it, the more I actually did.

The scariest thing was probably when I had a dream about him. I woke up sweating and cried when I realized what was happening.

At this time, I shared a room with Lu Han. He found me sobbing at three in the morning and held while I confessed what was wrong.

I was scared. Our family didn't accept "anything against God" and I never questioned my father. Lu Han, the good child, wasn't happy with me at first and stopped talking to me for a whole week.

However, once he had time to think more about it, he apologized to me and said that no matter what, we were brothers and it was his job to take care of me.

~

Chanyeol stabbed the chocolate cheesecake in front of him like it was the source of all evil. His glasses were placed beside the plate because his tears kept falling down. It wasn't a good sight to see at all.

"If...if it helps I'll beat him up tomorrow after school," I managed to say.

Chanyeol shook his head and continued stuffing his face. By the looks of things, he solved his heart breaks with food.

"I-I'm just an idiot, is a-all," He whispered.

I couldn't take it anymore. We were in the cafe of a bookstore, and people were staring. This would never help him. I took out some money from my wallet to cover the bill and grabbed Chanyeol's hand, making sure to get the glasses too, and pulled him out to my car.

"Where are you taking me?" He tried to pull away but my grip only tightened.

"Remember what I said about those cliche sappy romance movies? We're watching one at your house."

~

We ended up sitting on the floor of his room with a portable DVD player at our feet. Chanyeol and I sat next to each other, in more or less an awkward position. He had a bowl of chips in his lap, and our eyes were focused on the screen. But clearly, our minds were elsewhere.

"This movie is really boring," Chanyeol sniffed as he nibbled on a chip.

"It'll get better! Mr. Smith and his wife go all out in an epic battle with guns and grenades," I tried to smile but it probably just made me look weird.

Nevertheless, Chanyeol laughed, "That does sound cool."

It sounded forced.

Without hesitation I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. He tensed up a bit before relaxing again.

A long sigh came out after the Columbia scene. "You ok?" I asked.

"No..." My shirt suddenly felt wet.

"Hey," I pulled him closer, "It's going to be ok, I'll be here to help you...ok?"

"It's my fault!" He cried into my shoulder, "He was getting so jealous and I screamed at him and I made him cry! I'm...I'm so horrible...I want to die."

My eyes widened and I gripped his shoulders, "No Chanyeol, don't, don't say that..."

"I shouldn't even be alive...my whole existence is scewed up. God, I want to kill myself, and no one would miss me," He whispered.

I held him up to face me, and I already felt the tears coming down my face, "How can you say that?"

His jaw dropped at the sight of my despair, "K-Kris..."

"How can you say any of that? How can you not think of anyone in your life? How can you not think of me?"

My words really stung him and his head dropped in shame, "I-I can't think of what else to do!"

I hugged him once again, as if the only thing to keep him from falling was my hold. The tears just kept coming. All of the bad memories resurfaced.

"Don't cry," Chanyeol whimpered, "Please..."

"He killed himself," I blurted.

Chanyeol's breath hitched, "Who?"

I nuzzled my face into his neck, embarrassed to show him this side, "My first crush. He killed himself."

Chanyeol's head was probanly spinning now. Poor thing.

~

"You heading home?" Ms. Kwon smiled warmly as I was putting on my shoes.

I nodded, "Chanyeol fell asleep so I tucked him in."

"I see," Her eyes glazed over, "Is it alright if I talk to you about something? Before you go..."

I stood up, giving her full attention, "It's not a problem."

She bit her lip, and it looked like she felt awkward, "You...you remind me so much of myself. It's heartbreaking, really. And you're too kind."

Most would take the last part as a compliment, but it sounded like an insult, "I'm...sorry?"

"Don't be sorry. It's just...well, you care for a lot of people, but you make it clear who is most important to you," She finally met my eyes.

I gulped, "Tao."

Ms. Kwon let out a deep breath, "Yes. My sister was the most important too."

My eyes widened, did she mean...

"Chanyeol's mother, Boa...she was a high-functioning autistic. Just like Tao. And she was only fifteen when she gave birth to her beautiful baby boy."

I felt all the blood drain from my face, "W...What..."

"Yes...Back then, people weren't as aware of the disability and we had to keep it a secret in case people tried to put her in a mental institution. I always tried to protect her, but even then...some man took advantage of her," Suddenly, her eyes turned dark.

"So..." I could barely talk now.

"It wasn't...consentual, but she was so happy when she found out she was pregnant. Under no circumstances was I allowed to bring her to an abortion clinic. She'd throw so many tantrums if I even brought it up..."

Why had Chanyeol kept all of this to himself? Was that why he was talking like that earlier?

I cleared my throat, "Where...what happened to her?"

Ms. Kwon blinked back tears, "Almost a week after Chanyeol's birth, we were crossing the street from the hospital. She...she saw the truck before I did...and instead of running she...haha...she threw her baby to me."

I slumped to my knees and felt the tears again. Ms. Kwon rubbed my back and whispered, "Kris...I know you want to protect him and...and keep him living in his own world...but you, you can't protect him forever. And you can't protect him from everything."

The truth hurts.

~

When I stepped in through the kitchen door, my eyes landed on my father inhaling a cigarrette and the remains of a removed smoke alarm on the kitchen table.

"I thought you quit," I commented, closing the door.

Dad took a deep breath and brought the cancer stick to his lips again, "Your brother is in the deepest and I need this."

I blinked, worried for Tao, "Is Tao ok? He isn't hiding in my closet, is he?"

"It's Lu Han," He finally met my eyes.

"Wait-what? Did he do something?" I held my breath.

Dad hesitated before finally saying, "He got a girl pregnant."

_________________________

Hardest chapter to ever write. RIP Jeff.

If you're confused, yes Chanyeol fainted when he was with Kris.

Please comment!!!!!!